Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Today: Radiation therapy 16/25 ; Day 72 in the New Year Countdown
I’ve been working on my vision board lately, and have concluded that I forgot myself somewhere along the way. I am reaching a more serene place, where I lived when I was single, and know that my DH will be more comfortable there as well. He’s never been a ‘high needs’ type of person. That’s all on me LOL!
I want my life to reflect my personal values more clearly. Care for others begins with care of me (good nutrition, exercise, rest, etc.) and encouraging the same for others. Care and nurture of the environment: re-use and recycle rather than buying new – clothes, furniture, etc. The strength of community: encouraging community resources (library, farmer’s markets, common transportation, etc.) over individualized (buying books, shopping at chain stores because it’s easier, using a car for everything, etc.) Volunteering: donating time, experience and skills (and money when possible). Living my spirituality daily through prayer, meditation, awareness and appreciation.
I never expected to get married, and I think I never really consciously adapted to it. I somehow got caught up in cluttering my mind and my house with some sort of image of what marriage is, and what a home is. I’m looking hard through the eyes of “want versus need”. I am realizing that I felt some type of security with things around me, that I had images of a house filled with collections and books and things. This has become less true over the years, to the point that I now view it as clutter. It’s taking up space that we have to pay for, and we feel crowded in our own home. Maintaining and keeping things clean eats up our time. I want to strip it all down to a minimum, so that when our DS leaves the nest (he’s in his last year of high school, and is already discussing sharing apartments with his buddies when he goes to college) we have relatively little. We may even move to a more central location and get rid of the car altogether.
I’m feeling lighter, and I’m feeling that there’s more light.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
My DH and I were in the basement pulling out our winter clothes, and I found a treasure trove of clothing that I now fit in. I guess I’ve lost at least one size since starting this return to health, and hadn’t really noticed!
Among other things I found squirrelled away in our catacombs:
• An ultrasuede sleeveless dress and long jacket to go with it
• Two ultrasuede shirts – one black and one Christmas red
• A few other long-sleeved shirts
• A winter coat
• A dressy vest, and a casual quilted vest (which I can use to cover a multitude of sins in my older clothing)
That is going to save me a lot of money, as I was afraid I would be buying an entire winter wardrobe. Between the July mastectomy and the weight loss since late August, I didn’t know how anything would fit! My sister is coming over tomorrow, and she’ll be taking away some of my now oversized (for me) clothes, so bonus decluttering going on as well.
The cherry on top of my sundae includes amending one of my goals (yet again), namely:
• Review Total Commitment binder every day
This binder is basically my vision board, and it holds pictures, poems, inspiring blogs... the usual stuff. Well, another thing we found in the basement is a huge 3X6 foot magnetic whiteboard. My husband is putting it up as I type, and I’ll have an actual Vision Board that I can play around with to my heart’s content. I’m pretty visual, and I can’t express how happy this makes me. It will be right by the stationary bike. What better way to start an exercise session than to meditate on my goals, and what better inspiration when I start wearing down at the end of the cardio program!
I am definitely dancing a happy dance today!
(PS: New Year’s Countdown: 76 days left!)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Ok, so I've never been self-conscious about the way I look. I doubled my weight before my thyroid cancer was discovered and dealt with. This year I'm dealing with breast cancer, with all that that entails. My hair is just starting to grow back, so I have a peach-fuzz head. I had a double mastectomy in July, with no reconstruction or foobies, so I'm flat on top and generously rounded at my tummy. Oh, and I have a spare pair of 'breasts' under my arms, swelling that I am told will eventually disappear - I have my doubts.
So, not a model shape in anyone's book.
This past week-end, we travelled to the in-laws for an anniversary as well as Thanksgiving. Pictures were taken. By anyone holding any electronic gizmo that exists in the free world. So MANY, MANY pictures are taken. There I am, smack dab in the middle of them, taking up twice as much space as anyone else (sometimes more!) To make myself seem larger, I had my arms crossed as I sat on the sofa (actually, I was supporting the arm that had lymph nodes removed because after 6 hours in the car it was hurting). Anyway, my upper arms are the size of my sister-in-laws' and nieces' waists. And my peach fuzz head cannot compete with their glorious heads of hair.
I look at those pictures and I know, in my head, that that's me. I'm surprised each time I see a picture, or a reflection in a mirror or a window. Even after something like 8-10 years, I'm still surprised. But this week-end, I cringed when I saw the photos. I'm frustrated that *that* is a representation of me. I just can't relate to that person. Not sure what that means... I hate looking at them, but I don't find them motivating or de-motivating. They're just there, and I wish I had an auto-delete button for any picture taken of me when I'm so 'not on top of my game'.
What I do find motivating is the fact that I can walk further without my back aching. That I can do groceries alone now, and without hanging on to the shopping cart like it's my own personal walker. I'm enjoying the learning process re: nutrition and what works for me (which has changed since the thyroid and breast cancers). I'm loving the feeling that I am now in better control and steering my own ship insofar as possible, whereas before I was being swept by whatever tide happened to be coming in or out. I wish there were a photo that could show that, and keep those feelings in memory and share them so that everyone looking at photos could feel this empowered. It's a great feeling!
So I'll have to remember this for my Christmas wish list - an auto-delete button!
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Well, I expected it to happen, just not so soon. I’ve dropped the 10-Minute Daily Exercise Streak. Not because I don’t think I can do it, more because it was just looming there in my mind and I wasn’t focussed on what I need to be focussed on. The fatigue from the radiation treatments already seems to be rearing its ugly head (only on day 5/25!). So I figured I’d better focus on just being active, without any framework around it, and on getting my nutrition and sleep in line.
I feel really good with that decision, and was able to better enjoy my walk tonight with DH. My meals are falling into place as well, and snacks are better planned so sodium is better controlled. All in all, things seem to be going in the right direction.
Now if I can just get to sleep at a reasonable hour, and sleep through the night. It’s always been one of my worst problems (I’m a night owl.)
Wishing you all a restful and peaceful sleep...
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