Thursday, December 29, 2011
Well, itís short and sweet. A few lessons learned that I simply donít want to lose sight of as my mind gets caught up in planning for 2012. My road in 2011...
Iíve been saying that what is important to me is to regain my strength, my flexibility, my stamina. Iíve been strength training three times a week since August, and have seen a difference in all of those areas. The challenge is that I havenít lost any weight at all... and really, I have to admit to myself and to the world that that is a bit disappointing. Not crushing, just... sad, somehow. I know rationally that it will happen eventually (likely when the onco okís cardio for me) so I have to keep my eyes on the prize. Itís about taking my power back.
Having a trainer at the gym is the BEST. She is pushing me far beyond what I would be comfortable doing on my own. If Iím having a problem with something (dizziness, scars causing pain, etc.) she knows which exercise is safe for me to do, which ones will break up the scar tissue and give me more flexibility, etc. BEST money Iíve spent in a looonnnng time!
When I first learned Iíd be having a bilateral mastectomy, I was pretty convinced that I would go breast free (i.e. no restructuring, and no foobies). As it turns out, my particular situation has made that a requirement, at least for the moment. I was very self conscious of my ďflat topĒ (especially with a round belly just below it LOL!). Returning to work where part of my job is to stand in front of groups of people and give presentations and training was particularly emotional. As it turns out (and as is usually the case) I worried for nothing. I have one co-worker who began after I went on leave who didnít even realize Ė she was amazed that I ďcamouflage it so wellĒ. Turns out people just donít spend that much time looking there Ė who knew!?!
I donít have a large circle of friends and family is quite limited as well, but what I do have are the absolute best at support, making me laugh, sharing and caring, and I am so very very blessed to have them in my life. Seriously, hearts and love go out to all of them.
The past couple of years have been focused nearly exclusively on recovering from IBC. Now Iím going beyond Ė 2012 will be made of awesome! Iím wishing all my SparkFriends an awesome 2012 as well!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Well, itís the Holiday Season and Iíve been taking advantage of it to declutter and finding creative ways to pass on some things to others that we donít use anymore.
The two guys who delivered our freezer last week-end each got a Kínex type set for their boys, and a , floor size Snakes and Ladders for the little girl.
Iíve just free-cycled three separate types of Trivial Pursuit games, Electro-Magnnetix, Xpandagon and a wooden Sudoku set.
My DH has brought various games to his work for his clients, as well as some clothes.
It feels wonderfully light and bright to see those smiles and know that weíre sharing instead of tossing things away (as *some* people in the family wanted to do!) And seriously, so little effort went into finding new homes for these like-new items, so I encourage everyone out there who does have some things lying about unused to share when you can.
If I donít get in to Sparking again soon, I just want to wish everyone a wonderful Holiday Season. I hope you can spend it with family and friends, in good health, and in good spirits!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Iíve been away from Spark for quite some time. I think I needed to step away for a bit and actually experience life so I could assess how things are going: good, great, and room for improvement LOL! I obviously wonít be able to be online as often as I was when I wasnít working, but I will try to get on more regularly.
Good stuff... well, now that I think of it, not much. Iím feeling like I have a lot of great stuff going on right now. Being back at work has been wonderful, and Iím feeling a great sense of accomplishment and empowerment at seeing my past experiences coming together for this particular job. Things I love to do Ė especially writing and working with groups Ė are a big part of this job and two loves that I hadnít been able to incorporate into my work in the past.
My guys (husband and son) are also doing great. My son turned 18 at the beginning of the month, and itís astounding to me that this young adult was that small baby all those years ago. Heís at college to do a paramedic course, and heís loving it. My DH is doing well too, and has settled into himself at work as well as at home. Heís such a wonder to me Ė creative, empathetic, helping people shine. I often pause and just glow in being grateful for all my blessings.
I went basement shopping this morning with my sister (i.e. going through clothes that I had stored down there) and I found some clothes that I can't wear anymore since the mastectomy that fit her. But here's the great part -- the clothes that were too small for me last year fit me now. So even though I haven't lost weight, I have obviously firmed up. Woo Hoo! Then we went shopping and she bought me some workout clothes in thanks for giving her my clothes. Bonus!
Planning for food and having the energy to cook continue to be issues with me, but I refuse to let go of my 3X per week sessions with my personal trainer. Iím gaining so much strength and stamina, and Iím feeling my confidence in my physical body coming back. Itís been a very long time coming, and I canít let go of that now that Iím on the road to recovery. Decemb er 3 will be my one-year mark of being cancer-free (which I count from the day my treatments ended), and I still have a long road to go but I have tangible knowledge that I can do it now.
So food is taking somewhat of a second place to training, but I still strive to eat healthy meals Ė I just donít necessarily cook them! Pre-cut veggies, fruit salad from the coffee shop across the street, sushi (no sauces)... my choices are healthier than they used to be, even if Iím not preparing it myself.
Some lessons learned, if I can call it that...
Part of the answer for me is to be hyper vigilant right now as my struggle changes from day to day, and to accept that I will have to at least have a modicum of awareness for the rest of my life. Push through, always, always keep trying, and once things work donít be afraid to try new things anyway. Changing things up is what keeps it fresh and keeps it working!
Changing my inner dialogue, because if I keep repeating to myself something wonít work, is unpleasant, will be hard... it will be! If, on the other hand, I keep repeating to myself that yes, I can do this, and picture myself doing it, it becomes so much easier! So yeah, fake it til I make it!
Treat myself as well as I would treat my child (e.g. healthy foods, keeping active, etc.) or a stranger (e.g. no bashing or rudeness, no Ďpickingí on them for their appearance, etc.) Why do I treat myself worse than I treat others? I am just as important as them, and appreciate support rather than negativity just as much as others do!
I hope everyone out there is doing great and, for those in Ottawa, appreciating this mild weather weíve been having. The snow will come soon Ė and hopefully skating on the canal for me!
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Ok. I knew Ė I KNEW Ė that my return to full-time work after having been off for 1.5 years would be tiring, and require some adjustment. I didnít expect how much it would cost in terms of my metabolism (youíd think Iíd know by now LOL!) or my stamina, which practically disappeared.
It feels great to be working again, though, and Iíve been getting a lot of positive feedback on and on my work since my return. Thereís been some tension with new staff, but hopefully weíll work it out. You wouldnít know it by my blogs (or lack thereof), but Iíve rediscovered my love of writing. Most of my work has involved writing lately, with a few meetings thrown in, and Iím coaching a couple of colleagues in taking a more strategic approach to their activities. I have one whiz kid who has been teaching me loads of things on the programs that have been installed on our computers since I left. Itís left my morale high, but my energy low. I am slowly building more stamina, and donít fall asleep as soon as I get home anymore.
I did insist on keep up my 3X per week sessions with my personal trainer, which I began in mid-July. It was really, really difficult at first, and I would run out of breath and have to rest 4-5 times per session. My trainer was accepted at med school and moved, so I was assigned another trainer. I missed sessions because of that change, and because of long week-ends where either my trainer or I (or both of us) were away.
Still, I feel a difference. I no longer have to stop to catch my breath. I walked to the sushi restaurant near work with no pain in the legs or ankles. Weíre increasing the weight for my exercises. Iím still wiped out when I get home and basically go straight to bed after my shower, but the thing is... itís working!!! I cannot believe how empowering it is to have tangible evidence that Iím on the road to regaining my strength, my flexibility, my stamina. Iíve decided that this winter, Iíll be skating and snowshoeing again. Iím thinking of doing my first 5K next spring (I have a co-worker whoís ready to do it with me, and so are my DS and DH).
We also had a wedding out of town recently Ė old friends that have been together for a decade and decided to finally get married. It was a truly beautiful event and although I didnít get to go to all of the festivities (energy low, and heat high), I did get to bask in the joy at some of them. The whole thing was spread over two days, so there were multiple occasions to see everyone.
All of this means I havenít been keeping up on Sparking as much as I would like to. Unfortunately, this also means that I havenít been very supportive (sorry SparkFriends!). Most days I get home and just canít think of another thing to write, or even bear to look at a computer screen. I have been trying to spend some time to browse blogs and message boards, but those times have been few and far between.
I have a lot of catching up to do so off I go!
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