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September check in (rant alert!)

Monday, September 15, 2014

This blog is going to get quite ranty so if you're not into that, consider yourself warned.

I haven't been keeping up with my September plan. I've missed several planned workouts and/or they changed to walking rather than a specific hard-core cardio session as planned. Walking is not exactly the same as a full-blown heart pumping cardio session, so yeah, haven't been up to par in that department. I've been better about planning my breakfasts/lunches for the week but still have had several slip ups and forget the weekend. Last weekend was my bf's birthday and that was a full night of badness (food and alcohol) the day after he wanted to go to our favorite sushi place and since we didnt really go out to eat for his birthday, we did that as well. It is nearly impossible not to overindulge at this place, for us anyway. Then during the week I had one day in particular that I was incredibly tired so I had too much coffee (which I can't drink without sugar so...yeah) and I was so worked up from stress at work that I had a (couple) glasses of wine after work. I never do that. ugh. then this past weekend we ate dinner out and ordered delivery the next day. Not healthy in the slightest. Really not doing a good job of that no-binging on weekend thing.

I don't know why it's so hard for me. Just be healthy! Just choose the carrots over ordering wings! just make yourself work out when you're stressed, its better for you than wine for sure! I'm always feeling like I'm taking 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. But its my own doing and fault.

Work has been awful. I think I mentioned a while back that my supervisor told me I probably wouldn't get my promotion, which I'm due for in january (but the fiscal year/performance reviews happen end of september) so I've been working incredibly hard to prove I deserve it. Still my coworker, who technically is more senior than me, is always getting work referred to her and is clearly favored--so how am I supposed to prove myself if I'm not given the same opportunities? I've been trying to create my own work and prove I'm just as valuable.

THEN, I requested my holiday leave on august 5th. I'm only asking for the 2 days before both thanksgiving and christmas because I fly home. My supervisor literally refused to approve them. They have been sitting in our leave system and I brought it to her attention and she's not approving them. She has told me repeatedly that when I request it in the system has no bearing on whether its granted or not (poll, if leave is NOT granted on a first come first serve basis, what IS a fair way to approve or disprove it?). my supervisor told me she needed to wait until she knew what my coworker (the more senior one) was doing for leave. Why her plans were contingent on mine made my head spin. Why do i have to wait for her? What if she wants the same days? How are you going to decide who get its? Are you going do deny my leave b/c she wants it too? How is that fair?? My supervisor told me that her boss, my second level supervisor, wanted one of us (me or my coworker) to be in the office. Now let me preface this with the fact that i was clear I was willing to work half days or be flexible, I just needed to know if I was needed in the office--it wasn't about having to work or not I just NEEDED TO KNOW if my supervisor WOULD approve my leave or not so I could book my flights around times I was needed or not. I thought that was common courtesy. But no. Anyways, I approached my second level supervisor saying I was concerned about my supervisor not approving my leave, flights are getting expensive, and I don't know why she has to wait to hear from my coworker (who was on leave by the way) to approve my leave. She didn't understand why my supervisor had to wait either or what my coworker's plans had to do with it. I didn't WANT to undermine my supervisor by going to my second level supervisor but she was lying to me. My second level supervisor never said one of us needed to be in the office, only that the team needed coverage, and there are others on my team besides myself and my coworker (not to mention, as a supervisor, shouldn't you be willing to make sacrifices and work? that's part of the responsibility of the title). My supervisor is asking for a full 2 weeks off, christmas week through new years week and she cannot approve my one day. Having both me and my coworker be off might jeopardize her ability to take her leave so she needed to make sure or demand one of us work so she could take her leave. So not only is she being immature she also lied to me. I ended up confronting her, I told her that I had talked to my second level supervisor and she never said one of us needed to be in the office, so I didn't understand why my supervisor was telling me that; she was pretty much caught red-handed. she said when did you talk to (my second level supervisor?) I said recently shes like oh, um i guess I'll go confirm with her, so she ended up having to approve my thanksgiving leave, although she's still refusing to approve my christmas leave. To make matters worse, she does this to me every year! And someone always ends up being able to cover the office. But by the time she approves my leave, which is the case now, flights are ridiculously expensive, so now, I may not even go home for thanksgiving until wed night or first thing that morning when flights are cheaper and I may end up working that day anyway. Phew. It has been unbelievably aggravating feeling like she was prioritizing my coworkers needs over mine, lying to me, and having no qualm about taking 2 weeks off herself. OH and the second level supervisor sent out an email saying if you've taken the weeks off for both holidays in the past, be sure to allow your staff to take it off, and asking that they only take off one holiday, not both. So my supervisor comes over crying to me about how UNFAIR that is, and can you believe it?! LADY, you won't even approve my one day and you think not being able to take both weeks off is unfair?

Moral is, even though she verbally approved my thanksgiving leave its not approved in the system and my flights are still not booked. ugh. She claims she's retiring in june and if I can just make it until then I might be okay. If I am denied my promotion come january I will need to consider my options. But that promotion would be a big one :( Sometimes I fantasize about quitting my job and doing the things I love...finally opening my etsy jewelry shop and running a franchise of my favorite barre studio. I even went so far as to request more information about starting a franchise. Imagine the freedom of being your own boss for two businesses! Being creative and staying fit would be part of the job!

So beyond that...some of you may or may not know that I have a history of anxiety; I've gone to therapy for it and it went so far as anti-anxiety/depression medication was prescribed for me but I just didn't have the guts to go through with it. I know you can't live your life in fear but with everything going on in today's world has just been really stressful for me. I live in dc metro and literally work across from the White House. With ISIS and terrorism on high, that's not exactly a comfort. There was an African leadership summit at the white house at the beginning peak of the ebola outbreak--which by the way is no where near under control. Living in such an international area it's really a plane flight away. I really need to just take a break from the news for my mental health sake, but its hard because I do like to be informed.

And then there's my food and weight struggles. I've stopped weighing myself because nothings changed, and if i do lose I succumb to the mindset, I don't really need to lose, so I give in. But at the end of the day, I don't really like how I look and I can't fit into some of my pants so that's what needs to be my motivating factor. I worry about all the events (being in my best friends wedding, etc) I have coming up and my worst fear (I guess I let what others think weigh too heavily) is that people who I haven't seen in a while think I've let myself go. I love my best friend but she does come from a judgmental family (shes the one who was in a pageant, looked anorexic, and her mom was like wow doesnt she look amazing?!) her cousin, the other maid of honor, put on a couple pounds recently (literally a couple) and her mom described her as "so heavy you wouldn't recognize her anymore" and these are the people I have to be presentable for to be in the wedding. not to mention the cousin, the other maid of honor, is already being immature about planning. its like just because she's not the only maid of honor she's refusing to cooperate with me. Case in point, the bride recently emailed us options for save the dates, the cousin responded to her immediately. I emailed the cousin saying hey I think it would be useful to have a place we can bounce ideas and keep each other posted for planning. I knew she's started thinking/planning for the shower so I asked her what shes done and what I can do. I have some ideas for the bachelorette so I shared those and asked for her thoughts. I have received no response from her. This unresponsiveness has happened a couple times already. I mean, she has to acknowledge I too am a maid of honor and that we need to work together to plan, which means communicating--right?

And then there's the ever present thought in the back of my mind that gets me down is why 7.5 years with my bf and he doesn't want/can't/won't commit to me. Holidays are always an issue because we don't spend them together and I'd like to and I've expressed this, and when we don't its kind of like well I guess there's no reason to, we're not engaged or anything but that just drives the point home. So yeah, we'll see what happens this year.

Sorry for the novel rant. I warned you, if you made it this far, thanks for reading and for your support! Here's to turning around the rest of September!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARADAWN 9/16/2014 12:10PM

    Too much stress in your life, no question. #1 the job - I know you are trying to hold out to see if you get a promotion or if your boss retires next summer but I would suggest looking for a new job NOW. The best time to look for a job is when you have one and are not desperate to make a move. You should look for a job that has better opportunities than you currently have and is already at the promtion level you are hoping to get - win / win! If there is nothing out there and time passes then hopefully the promotion and boss leaving will happen. I always say don't just complain about something - do something! I believe you will feel a lot better if you are actively looking for a job and not just sitting around waiting for others to make things happen for you.

As far as having your own Etsy shop what is stopping you from starting now? Why don't you put a few things out there and if your business grows then make the decision weather to do it full time or not. The best job is the one that doesn't feel like work.

On the wedding stuff- ugh. What HORRIBLE people. They judge others because they are lacking in their life. IGNORE them. You don't need their approval and once they realize you don't care it will take the fun out of it for them.

Boyfriend - talk with him. I am sure you have before but if it really bothers you still then make a decision. Make a list of what you are willing to put up with / not and stick with it. If the holidays are make or break it then let him know. If you want different things in life (marriage, children) then you will not be happy together. If you can come to an agreement on the future then it is worth sticking around.

Remember - YOU are the only person that can make yourself HAPPY

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CLRWILLIAMS25 9/15/2014 2:23PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon (I think you deserve all of these right now)

You are under some serious stress girl! I hope you feel at least a little bit better after getting it all out on paper. I can totally see why you're turning to comfort things like wine and food instead of exercise (which we know is good for you, blah, blah blah, but doesn't have that instant need-to-feel-better-now tag on it that all the bad stuff does).
Your boss sounds like a total pain to deal with and I think it's good that you stuck up for yourself and went to the next supervisor. Just because you were there second, doesn't make you any less important to the organization. Hoping you can get something finalized soon so you can make travel plans.

I hope that you can your bf can come to some sort of understanding soon. Maybe try to get some holiday schedule locked down (maybe make the first concession of being with his family for their regularly scheduled event and asking to change event time/day with your family) to show you are trying to be accommodating so you can spend the day with each other.

Even if you're "just walking," it's still better than just sitting. It may not be a giant sweat session, but a few minutes outside will definitely help lower anxiety and stress. (sometimes, I just count steps or trees or sidewalk cracks on a short walk so my mind isn't free to wander and get worked up). Come back and rant away. We're here to listen emoticon

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BONOLICIOUS2 9/15/2014 12:53PM

    Oooooooo girl. Sorry, this is going to be a LONG comment!

1) Your job satisfaction affects ALL aspects of your life. If you're unhappy at work, the wine and wings are going to happen. I know because I'm there with you... by the time you're at home, you're done. You have this "F everything" attitude because you've been dragged down and around all day. You can't give yourself respect when nobody else is respecting you, not sure why it goes like that, but it does. It really doesn't sound like a good situation. I hate suggesting going to HR but maybe you could "check in on the time off process" and maybe hope they get the hint that your boss is totally being a B about it? I've been having a lot of those "quitting to do what I love" dreams as well, but someone recently pointed out to me that EVERY job has ups and downs and don't follow your passion as a means of escaping something, or you may be really disappointed. Food for thought!

2) Anxiety - I'm with you there too! It seems to be getting worse for me as well. You're much more exposed! Work stress will definitely make this worse. I think I am going to try a little meditation challenge of sorts because I don't want to rely on meds. Maybe we could do that challenge together?!

3) Oh you KNOW I know about this marriage thing! Have you guys talked about it recently? Seriously - you're not going to feel better until you have the hard talk. Men need to be told what to do usually lol. Not necessarily a reflection on your awesomeness!

4) This judgmental witch you are dealing with for this wedding... you do not owe ANYONE ANYTHING for your appearance at this wedding. You're gorgeous, I've seen pictures, and all her behavior says is that she's an unhappy person. If she dares to make a comment to you, I'd tell her that - gee you must be so unhappy! Maybe gently tell the bride about the lack of communication in the bridal party as well? Or maybe pull this person aside and say "hey, whats the best way for us to communicate so we can plan this together?" Because you KNOW at the end of it all she'll pull the "I did it all" card. Grrrr. PEOPLE.

Overall... your blog really hit home for me. I probably could have written it myself. I've been coming home from work and drinking, or eating bad things, or both in the same night. I have distinctly ignored working out. I know what I need to do but my brain just can't seem to make me do it. I wish I had better advice for how to get out of this funk but I haven't found my own way out yet. That seems to be what it is - a funk, you know? I don't think its a matter of forcing ourselves to work out or forcing ourselves to eat better. I think we need to find a way to fix our brains first. What do you think?

Hugs though to you... this ish SUCKS. I am so sorry!

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ABAKER34 9/15/2014 12:10PM

    I don't know what to tell you about the job situation, other than that is definitely a crappy way to run a department and if your supervisor's goal is to run off her employees than that is the way to do it.

I completely know what you mean about stressing out over working in DC. I work as a gov't contractor down the street from the Navy Yard in SE DC and last year we had employees in building 197. Our building was under lockdown until they found the shooter. All I can say to try to ease some of your anxiety is that there are crazy people all over this country and that if you spend all of your time worrying that they will pop up where you work/live, then you can ruin the best years of your life worrying.

With the boyfriend thing, I dated my boyfriend for 11 years before we were married (we started dating at 16). I would be PISSED at the holiday thing if you guys have been together that long and are not celebrating together, because even years before we were married, we were totally committed, we co-owned a house together, had a dog, etc. We shared family holidays, we would go see his family, then go see mine. I thought of his parents like a mother and father because I'd known them for so long, and they already thought of me like a daughter. I would definitely talk to him about that.

I'm glad you were able to rant, have a good week and keep up all of your hard work that you are doing!

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ARUNNINGKAT 9/15/2014 12:05PM

    Wowza, girl! You have a lot to stress you out right now! Hope that typing your blog helped you start to feel a little better! I know that sometimes just talking about it helps a little.

Give yourself a break when you mess up on your goals (a little wine helps sometimes!) and work to get a few workouts in. I am right there with you on this! I have got to get my determination back! And too much coffee? Oh yeah, right there with you on this one too. My latest vice is Iced Pumpkin Spice Lattes. I know that for me they are a comfort food..... but I should save them for end of the week or something.

Hang in there! There has got to be a turnaround for you very soon! We are here for you!

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IRP1114 9/15/2014 11:43AM

    So glad you made time to get stuff off your mind! It really is a lot to deal with and constantly think about.
Sigh. I wish you good luck and hope you can did deep for the pacience required to deal with work!
You are doing what you can in this journey girl! Keep focused on how you feel and less on others options. You enjoy eating those healthy meals you prepare for yourself. That alone is a big plus in your goals for getting leaner! And you also enjoy a good sweetly workout when you do make the time to get them in too! So don't beat yourself up for what you haven't done. Just keep moving forward with all of your healthy habits and make yourself happy with you ; ) I know you will get to that happy place with your body soon. Give yourself a chance and take it easy on yourself mentally. I think the break from the news is a good idea. Maybe at least wait until later in the day to read some and maybe follow it with something that will lift your spirits back up?
I am with you on making the best of September : )! Let's do this!

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JENSTRESS 9/15/2014 11:19AM

    Oh. My. Word. Holy stress levels batman!!!

I really feel for you. That is so incredible. I can't even imagine.

I don't know what to do about your job. I would definitely start putting feelers out for a new job. But that is me, and I don't know the entire situation with your promotion, and what it could entail. It just seems like that is just not worth it, unless you'd get out from under your unbelievably terrible supervisor.

The wedding situation, sounds like the movie Bridesmaids, like this cousin is just trying to take over. I almost would consider cc-ing the bride on something, like, "hey, just wanting to check in, I sent you some emails and wanted to check to see if you had received them, because I hadn't heard from you..."

The boyfriend, that just makes me angry for you. 7.5 years together, engaged or no, makes no sense to me that you wouldn't be sharing holiday time. I mean, in some states you would already have a common law marriage!!! I'm not saying that he will or won't commit. I don't know what the problem is, and I don't know how he is with you the rest of the time, but something seems off there.

I hope you have luck turning everything around, and with your promotion and everything else.

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Vacation road trip & September plans

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

So, I didn't get to where I wanted to be as far as weight loss/fitness goals before my vacation. Oh well, I'm over it. Vacation was wonderful, spending time with friends and family and people I don't live near was really great. Plus we had beautiful weather and it was super fun playing tourists, even if it was in our own home states (Mass for me, VT for my bf, plus NH to visit a couple friends of ours).

In all, we visited four wineries, two distilleries, a cidery, a cheese factory, an ice cream factory (Ben & Jerry's!!), and a chocolate yeah not kidding lol. Apparently being "touristy" equals being a local foodie (what is the equivalent of that for beverages??) My favorite things I ate were some Grafton garlic cheddar cheese and cider fudge (we were in Vermont after all!) Plus going out to dinner pretty much every night. We did quite a bit of walking, hiking, and some kayaking. Overall I gained a couple pounds and was in a desperate need of a cleanse upon returning home--just in time for September!

Visiting my friends was great--except when she asked my bf when he was making an honest woman out of me! I wanted to crawl under the dinner table and die. Then, my friend who I'll be a maid of honor for, dragged me to look at wedding bands (we were all out together being touristy, including my bf! why she needed to do that is beyond me...) her fiance yelled at her, why would you do that, that's putting so much pressure on [my bf]!! Umm yeah awkward. Other than that it was great seeing them lol! I know some of you reading this will relate though ;)

Anyways, between hiking and all the factory tours and watching glass blowing, I took way too many pictures to post.
But here is my favorite one I took of a paddle boarder on Lake Champlain:

We drove up Mt. Mansfield (the tallest in Vermont) and took a small hike to a summit but we were literally in the clouds and it was freezing so there wasn't much of a view and we didnt last long:

Here are a couple of me from hiking:

I'm still not thrilled with how I look. I just think my arms and face look chubby. I'm still sitting at 109lbs (up 6lbs from my low), been here for over a year now.

And, we got a lot of puppy time over our vacation, I love dogs (all animals really) so that was really exciting; this is my fav shot of my bf's parents' golden:

But, my cat, who my parents watched for the week, seemed to really miss us and she was all cuddly and snuggly with us, far more than usual, when we returned:

So for September. I've already developed a fitness plan for the whole month. I'll be focusing on my barre (I have an online subscription, and it does wonders for my hip posture, so I'm trying to keep that up) but trying to up my cardio so I'm shooting for three days a week of each with some flexibility on the weekends for hiking or rest days. As for food, I am FED UP with what I should eat or focus on. Whole30. Strict paleo. modified paleo. low carb. carb cycling. Literally my only focus right now is to stay within my calories most days (shooting for weekdays, and not totally bingeing on weekends) eating low-ish carbs, and whole good foods. If I don't have time to prepare dinner and need to throw in a trader joe's frozen healthy-ish meal (I recommend the mojito salmon!), so be it.

My bf's birthday is Friday and we are going out. I'm planning on this being a cheat meal/night. As long as I can get back on track I'll be okay. Fall is around the corner (even though today was 95+ degrees in the DC area) and its a wonderful season and great for hiking, but I need to get my weight and eating under control before the holidays roll around! ahh!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KCLARK89 9/8/2014 8:05PM

    Yay glad you had a good time!! You look fantastic :)

I hear you 100% on the meal plan deal. It's so frustrating trying to fit into a "plan" rather than just make healthy choices and take bits and pieces/recipes that you love from each place and make them your OWN plan!

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CHODGES83 9/3/2014 11:51AM

    I think your food plan is great. Just make healthy -ish decisions and eat what makes you feel good. A treat now and then isn't the end. Plus calculating calories is way less time consuming, at least I think so. Less stress makes a happier food relationship!

Pictures are wonderful! Sounds like a great vacation.

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BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 9/3/2014 11:01AM

    You always go on such fun trips! Before I read your comments about how you look, I was thinking to myself, she looks great! So fit and tiny! I think your arms look absolutely fantastic!!

Have a great September!

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CLRWILLIAMS25 9/3/2014 9:30AM

    So glad you had a great vacation! Love the photos you took and all of the touristy things you visited (my kind of vacation lol). Your September plan sounds great. And you do have a few months 'before the holidays'- you can definitely make a change by then :)

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KABMPH 9/3/2014 8:49AM

    What a fantastic vacation! And you always take such good photos. I've wanted to try stand-up paddleboarding since I first heard about it but haven't gotten up the courage to try. Maybe next summer.

I went on a road trip this summer, too, and ate BBQ all along the way. It was divine!

"Before the holidays" means you have just under 4 months. You can do it!

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EMMY_DUCKIE149 9/3/2014 8:48AM

    Pics look great! Awesome paddleboard/sun shot! Yay, animals!

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LLBLOVER 9/2/2014 10:35PM

    Glad you had such a great time! I, too, am going home for a visit in two weeks, and I am SOOO excited, but I know that food is going to be a MAJOR issue! Great photos, cute furballs, and you look fantastic, by the way!!!

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Weekend getaway and August plans

Monday, August 04, 2014

Here it is Monday and I find myself needing to regroup and recommit. Again. But cest' la vie, I've been trying to enjoy my summer--its always been my favorite time of year.

I've been working my butt off at work trying to prove I am deserving of my promotion, so when I get home, the last thing I feel like doing is being more productive.

Last weekend, not this past weekend, my boyfriend and I took a little weekend getaway to Shenandoah, which was truly the perfect getaway. We drove out there on Friday and got a 6.6mile hike in. Then, we still had to drive up to our campsite but it was closer to evening by then, so it was prime wildlife time--we saw tons of deer and 3 separate black bear sightings, including a mother with her cubs, the cubs were so tiny! I was glad I was in the car though, throughout our hike we kept a steady stream of showtunes going so we would scare off any bears lol. I totally killed my knees by the end of the hike, but it was worth it. Just a lot of uneven surface with rocks and going down, my knees simply can't handle it; I'd rather go up. Luckily, we reversed the hike by accident and we actually did the steep part going up at the end of the hiike which worked out better for me. I was carrying my camera backpack, snacks/water for the day, and after 3+ hours, Spark claims I burned over 800 calories. I doubt, but it was still a work out.

Saturday we had a ziplining tour in the morning, we've both been ziplining before so although it was tons of fun, there wasn't much novelty there. But at the end of the tour we had to rappel our way down, and not against anything. Normally you rappel down a wall or something, nope, this was freely down with a rope, it took a lot to trust yourself that when you let go you didn't just free fall down--adrenaline going!
That afternoon we relaxed, as planned, not that my knees could handle anymore hiking anyway, and did a little tour of Virginia wine country in that area. It was a beautiful day, warm, the wineries we went to had some great views, oh, and the wine was good ;) bf let me do most of the tastings so he could drive--always have to be responsible.

That evening we built up a big campfire, drank more wine, and ate lots of s'mores. Totally negated my hiking from the previous day but so worth it.
Sunday we made the drive back, stopping at a few more wineries, I drove so bf could do more of the tastings instead :)

Anyways, while that little weekend getaway was perfect, I think it really kicked my sweet tooth into overdrive (must have been all those amazing s'mores). And we didn't have time to go grocery shopping sunday evening when we got back so the whole week was pretty much a food wash. I tried to get salads for lunch but I had several binges, including one evening where my dinner was popcorn. This past weekend was also a mix of health and not so much. We did a fitness trail (fitness stops like bars and stuff along a bike trail) near us, which took about an hour to complete, and we were legit trying to run/jog between stations. Really enjoyed that. But Friday we went to a wine/chocolate/cheese bistro bar and consumed far too much of all those things, and Saturday fared no better. But, grocery shopping finally got done over the weekend and I am DETERMINED to stick to my calories this week.

I keep reading that diet is more important than exercise. I really need to hunker down and focus on that. We leave for our whirlwind new england road trip to see friends/family in 3 weeks and I want people to NOTICE my efforts. I have my meals planned this week. I just need to not let myself slip so much on the weekends and get my binging under control.

Wish me luck!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IAMZBEE 8/5/2014 9:51AM

    WOW! Looks like an amazing weekend! All of that hiking and walking DEFINITELY negated those s'mores. emoticon

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KABMPH 8/5/2014 9:07AM

    Sounds lovely!

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BONOLICIOUS2 8/5/2014 8:17AM

    Wowwww beautiful! That is Virginia?! I always think of 495 when I think of Virginia and shudder.

I also had no idea Virginia has BEARS. Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Although you ate smores and all of that, a few days away with wine and camping and everything is good for your SOUL. Gotta take care of that too sometimes!

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KIKKI-G 8/4/2014 9:32PM

    Sounds like a good time & what weekends are all about !

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IRP1114 8/4/2014 3:40PM

    Glad you are enjoying your summer! I agree it is time to kick it up a notch!! Let's do this! emoticon

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CLRWILLIAMS25 8/4/2014 2:37PM

    Love your photos from your trip! I feel like this is the perfect time of year to visit wineries and see the other half of our state :)
So cool you saw black bears, especially the babies :) I have been hiking with others while they've seen bears, but I always seem to miss the actual bear sighting!
Like PPs have already said, stick to your plan and you'll do great! Also, I follow Get In Shape Girl on FB and the challenge she posted this month is to do 100 reps of something every day. Might be easy for you to add in to your evenings (or at work!) to get a little bit of exercise in after a long day.

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CHODGES83 8/4/2014 1:40PM

    Sounds like a great weekend! Definitely need those every so often- I'd like them to be more often than not, ha!

Hope this week treats you well!

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EMMY_DUCKIE149 8/4/2014 1:25PM

    Jealous of your weekend adventure. Sounds fun!

Get it! Stay determined!

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ARUNNINGKAT 8/4/2014 1:00PM

    Your weekend adventures sound like so much fun! I realized last weekend that I really need to get out and enjoy nature more than I do now. I miss it!

I know you will do a great job of sticking to your goals and achieving what you want to before your upcoming trip!

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BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 8/4/2014 12:54PM

    Your weekend trip sounds right up my alley!! Glad you had a great time with your bf! Planning your meals for the week will definitely help to keep you on track.

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On my mind lately

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

First of all, I just want to say a big thank you to all of you especially on my last blog for all your support and encouragement! And for helping me feel not so alone and for understanding that sometimes we just get into funks, and thats okay. Your words are truly appreciated.

I'm feeling a little better than that last blog. I know I need to focus on things I CAN control, and I usually do have that mindset, sometimes I just get caught up. One thing at a time.

emoticon My job. My managers still suck. But I realized its not the end of the world; my manager should be lucky that I care so much about my job and doing well that I'm busting my butt proving that I DO deserve my promotion despite her saying I won't (again, how can you tell me months out I won't get it? obviously you're not even reviewing my performance since the period isn't over and I've done nothing but good work). Also they gave me a special project I am thrilled to be involved in. I still put my feelers out and applied to a couple other jobs. My boss is also retiring in another year or so, so at this point, I really don't mind staying where I am. I'm working hard, I mostly like what I do, it pays well and I get vacation. Those things are important to me. While I would also like recognition for the things I do, I can't have it all. This job is not a be all end all of my career.

emoticon My boyfriend. I need to find a way to deal better when I'm put into a situation where I'm made to feel bad about myself b/c its 7 years and my boyfriend can't commit. My friend was in town recently with her mom (more on that later) and her mom was asking about us and basically asked why, what is taking him so long? I obviously don't know! My own mother always reminds me (but with derogatory undertones) that her and my father were together 7 years before getting married. Yep, I'm there. Over 7 years, hellooo. We had a uncharacteristically huge fight recently that kind of rattled me. I also brought it up again, not demanding where is my ring, but we need to be honest with each other and you need to be fair to me, so if this isn't what you need to tell me. So yeah, I can never get much out of him. I think I'll end up proposing to him!

emoticon Friends. I still wish I had more friends where I live. Finding out recently that I wasn't invited to a bachelorette party for a friend I see monthly (however I was invited to the wedding) kind of hurt. I panicked during my fight with my bf that I have no support if we break up, so I ended up going out to a girlnight meetup, which was fun, but it seemed like a one time thing nobody was interested in further reaching out to each other. I had a friend from high school come visit me recently b/c she was in town for a wedding, but I hadn't seen or talked to her in years. That felt really good she contacted me and it was great catching up! It's amazing how sometimes a little hey lets catch up can bring a friend back in your life, least I hope!

emoticon emoticon Food/fitness/health. So my friend who came into town recently is one of my best childhood friends, I'll be her co-maid of honor in her wedding (don't get me started on the "co" thing). So she was in town for a pageant, which right away I will say I don't support. I can see ones (and I was actually in one and won myself in high school) that are actual scholarship programs and don't require one to parade around half naked. This was not that kind of pageant, it was a true pageant, not even talent, just be "beautiful" and walk a runway. Anyways, she hired a pageant "personal trainer" who whipped her butt "into shape" and I asked her if she had her on a diet too...she said, well its kind of unhealthy (um red flag) but it really produces results. The gist of her diet seemed to be rice cakes and applesauce, with on occasional egg and half a banana. she also had to eat every few hours and was encouraged to eat a couple pieces of candy to "stay perky." UMMMM And her mother was going on and on about how wonderful she looks and how amazing she looks and she's never had abs before and just look at her! and yet her mother admitted shes gotten comments from others that she's too skinny! I showed her pics to my bf, and a few other close friends and they all agreed she was too skinny. So allow me to body bash and be jealous for minute (also, how does that make sense that I'm jealous and yet most people think shes too skinny). okay, done. she is a stunning girl, always has been tall, we met as dancers so she still looks the part, but I'm sorry how is that worth it? and of course I'm jealous that she has the will power and can afford a "personal trainer" (although anyone who calls themself that then recommends a diet like that is NOT in my opinion, a healthy-focused personal trainer) and gets "results." But I will NEVER look like her. I'm not shaped like her I'm not tall like her I could never look the pageant part, not that I want to. Its actually sad I really dont know why she wants to do pageants and subject herself to being unhealthy in the first place. Anyways, now I'm worried she's going to keep this up for her wedding in a year. I'll be the short fat maid next to her-ha! Its fine, everyone will be looking at her. Okay, rant over.

I just need to continue on my journey in a healthy way. Which has been incredibly hard lately. I've been doing a lot of barre so I feel like my stamina isn't quite there b/c I'm not getting a lot of cardio. I really need to step it up. I've been drinking and eating too much on weekends and negating any week progress.

I'm going on vacation in August, for a whirlwind tour around new england where my bf and I are from, visiting family and friends, and in general just being tourists in our home states. Really looking forward to it! But from now until then I really need to step it up so I look good for that.
emoticon pick it up on the cardio
emoticon Continue barre
emoticon Less drinking, try to aim for none
emoticon Less food cheats (that giant muffin last week, donuts were brought into work, frozen yogurt "because its hot out")
emoticon More meal planning.
I know, not smart goals
Just over 5 weeks until vacation! mini vacation weekend camping in less than 2, whoo hoo! I love summer! emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGEL_AMBER 7/16/2014 9:05AM

    Wow that diet sounds crazy that your friend is on. And unhealthy. I would assume she won't be able to keep it up long-term and I bet in a few years she may actually turn to you for weight loss advice.

My boyfriend took 5 years to propose and it was always a huge fight for us. I just wanted to know where we stood. If we had the same goals. I eventually said 'look i do not want to force you to propose, but I just need to know we are on the same page because I would like to spend the rest of my life with you. And if you asked me right now I would say yes and marry you. I just need to know you feel the same way."

After that fight - he proposed 5 months later.

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CHODGES83 7/15/2014 3:38PM

    Your story about the skinny pictures made me think of Bethenny Frankel. Not sure you saw the picture of her in her 4y/o daughter's pjs, but it just seems irresponsible. I understand there are thin people, but they still need to be healthy and treating their body well. Being thin shouldn't outweigh being healthy (weird choice of words, but you get what I'm saying, think). I'd say you're doing what you should be and your goals are great! Keep it up and enjoy that vacation!

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BONOLICIOUS2 7/15/2014 1:17PM

    Ummm wow! I really want to see the pageant pix haha. But that sounds crazy! I often find myself wishing I could afford a nutritionist and a trainer, but I also don't want to depend on anyone else for my success. Don't you think it means a bit more when you kick your own self into gear?! But us folks conserving our cash have to do what we can and that is the best we can do. AND THAT IS OKAY!

And your guess is totally as good as mine on why we're not wifey material. Good jobs, cook and clean, sweethearts not on drugs or blowing our credit cards. Hmmm...

Anyways, be the best you that you can be and keep on truckin'!

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RYDERB 7/15/2014 1:01PM

    I'm so happy to learn you're feeling better. Stay strong. You're amazing and could never be "the fat" maid-of-honor. Good luck getting in your cardio. emoticon

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ARUNNINGKAT 7/15/2014 12:27PM

    Love your goals! That whole meal planning and keeping food in check is quite the battle isn't it??

It is great that you put things "down on paper" so to speak. I think that is very healthy and helps assess where you truly are, rather than having all your thoughts just swirling around in your head, always present, but never completely organized. Or at least that is how I feel sometimes! emoticon

Take care of yourself! You are going to rock your vacation preparations and have a great trip!

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VEG954 7/15/2014 11:16AM

  You are doing all things necessary to make positive changes.
Lighten up and give yourself credit for what you have done.

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In need of...

Monday, June 23, 2014

a hug?
a mental health day?
a yoga and spa session?
an eat-pray-love find my soul type getaway?

I've been feeling down lately. Like break down. melt down. quarter life crisis. I can't even exactly pin point what it is, which is almost more frustrating than feeling this way.

I get so caught up in the misery of the daily grind--is this all there is to life? I'm not meal planning. I can't bring myself to do much of anything in evenings, especially if I do work out. I resent that my daily life is work, workout, sleep (badly, at that). I'm not working out as hard as I should so I don't think my endorphins are kicking in enough to curb my anxiety. I'm not rested. I can't function without coffee in the morning. I'm not motivated. Last night the tension pain in my neck and shoulders was so bad I barely slept. I don't sleep well normally but it was especially bad.

My job, which I was once excited about because it directly uses my degree (which was important to me) and I was on a career track, has been in the decline. My supervisor has already told me I won't get my final promotion (which is completely unethical and maybe unlawful to tell me that months out, which means you're not basing the decision on my performance...but that's a whole other rant) and my management in general treats us like children. They drastically reduced our telework for no reason. She gets upset bc we wear capris (dress capris) to work. She thinks none of us actually work when we do telework. She is complete idiot, really, I have had to show her how to send emails and format Word documents before. I'm feeling under appreciated and its not good to feel like your supervisor doesn't feel like you do anything (when teleworking, or in general) the only reason I don't take it too personally is because she feels that way about her whole team. She just can't manage her employees. So yeah, the level of frustration I have is really getting to me.

I'm just extra down b/c this past weekend posted all over facebook was a couple of our graduate school friends getting married. So it felt like a double whammy--1) that this couple had been together less than my bf and I and are now married, and 2) we were like the only people from graduate school who were not invited, so that kind of hurt, and highlighted the fact that yet again, I feel like I have no friends.

And then of course there's the never ending struggle with my body. I haven't been able to lose any weight and I am still down only 5 lbs from my starting and a full 7lbs up from my lowest. But I can't get motivation to eat less and track, so what can I expect?

My birthday and my anniversary with my bf came and went recently and I'm now a year older and we are another year more together and nothing's changed. I know that sounds ungrateful. I just don't know what to do with my life, or what I'm expecting out of it. I know I should be grateful, and on paper, I am doing well, I have a good job, I'm able to pay my bills and enjoy the expensive area I live in, I love my kitty and I have a wonderful committed boyfriend. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the mundane and fantasize about leaving everything behind and traveling the know? *sigh*

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IRP1114 6/27/2014 2:37PM

    emoticon emoticon
Sparkmailed you! emoticon

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GREGGWEISBROD 6/27/2014 1:54PM

    *hugs* :( Any summer vacation plans on the horizon? :D Those always help me out my daily grind funks. I've read a few of your recent posts just now as well, and that sucks about your struggles forming a nice group of friends to chill with. I feel like I just luckily land ass backwards into circles of friends, cause whenever I actively try to make friends it's always an awkward and self-conscious mess. *one more hug* :)

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SONICB 6/26/2014 3:03PM

    Sending emoticon your way. Really sorry to hear about the job situation... I hope things get better for you soon. Hearing ahead of time that I wouldn't get that final promotion might lead me to at least start looking at other jobs to see if there are better opportunities out there.

Re: the marriage thing... I find that a lot of people rush into it (after dating for only 1 or 2 years!). I might not be one to speak having been with my bf for almost 6 years in August, but a lot of couples I know who married after 1-2 years end up divorcing or cheating on each other.

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RYDERB 6/25/2014 4:06PM

Hope things turn around soon.

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RAINEMARIE214 6/24/2014 3:10PM

    I feel like 6 months ago I could have written this blog entry for you :( I am sorry you are feeling so down.

You know what happened to me (and I had been with my bf less than you) but I finally said a decision had to be made and it resulted in us breaking up. I was really sad, but now, after 6 months, I know that it was the best thing for me because if I hadnt felt so "free" I wouldnt be making so many huge changes in my life right now. Two years ago I blogged constantly about how much I hated my job, felt like my career was going nowhere, and last year felt like my relationship wasnt progressing how I wanted it to. I know if my relationship hadnt ended, I would be writing those same blogs again now, though - instead, I finally had the confidence and freedom to make the changes that are absolutely necessary for me.

I am not saying that you need to do that, too. I'm just saying that it was what I needed to finally get out of my funk and make the changes that I really needed, even if it is terrifying at times! Maybe now is a good time for you to start looking for new jobs, maybe make one change at at a time and see if that helps? Maybe its time to have a serious discussion with your bf about how you are feeling.

I hope you start feeling better soon!

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EDDYMEESE 6/23/2014 9:55PM

    I am with you 100%, my friend.

1. Marriage - I'm sorry you weren't invited. Just tell yourself it is their loss. Just because they've been together less time and are now married means nothing. I do the same. I have friends who, in the last 6 years, have gone from single to dating to engaged to married to 2 kids...and my ovaries and I are sitting here watching life pass us by, lol. One thing I promise you: only you know what you have. It is easy to look at other people and wish we had what they do - but we don't really know that their life is all that great. I have friends who are "jealous" of my career (but no kids) and I'm "jealous" that they have kids (but no career). It is human nature to look at other people and think the grass is greener...

2. Friends - sigh. Like I said on your "Friends" blog, I get it.

3. Weight - at some point, you have to see past what you think you see and see what everyone else is seeing...which is a rockin' body :) But that's all up to you. It is hard, I know.

4. Work - that seriously sucks. I know you were really excited about this job. Keep the job and start looking elsewhere? Would your BF be willing to relocate or are you feeling stuck? If you can relocate, you might find more exciting opportunities elsewhere!

5. I call it "the itch". We get into that rut of life and wonder if this is all there is. I tend to start to think about just up and leaving. If I wasn't married, I'd have been long gone. It is really hard to find the meaning of life when you feel like it's all work and no play. Maybe you need to create your own play. I know it is easier said than done.

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SHRINKING_SARA 6/23/2014 4:12PM


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ARUNNINGKAT 6/23/2014 3:10PM

    Sending hugs your way dear friend! I understand how you are feeling so very well because I have been going through a similar rut lately. Slightly different issues, but the same lost feeling. Unfortunately, I still don't have it figured out so I can't provide any help for you except to let you know that you are not alone. emoticon

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BONOLICIOUS2 6/23/2014 2:25PM

    You know I hear you loud and clear... ugh. We gotta plan our meet up!

Sounds like it might be a good time to start the job search. Believe it or not, our supervisors make a HUGE difference in our job satisfaction. You could be a widget processor in a widget factory and it wouldn't matter if your supervisor gave you a career path, coaching, used common sense, etc. A bad supervisor is toxic and can definitely bleed into other areas of your life. I was reading your blog and felt the same vibe I had with a bad supervisor and it made me cringe. Gotta cut the negativity! If you want the better environment, you gotta be the one to make the change.

I also have been seeing loads of proposals and weddings on my newsfeed these days. It causes so much self doubt and everything. Is the big wedding what you want? Might be time to stick your priorities out there in clear english for the bf. If you're unsure, hang out a bit more. But don't let everyone else dictate what should make you happy or fulfilled! Follow your own path and don't forget to check in with "yourself" over others!

But seriously, I hear you. Maybe we should play hookie together one day and have sushi and mani/pedis. Yes?!

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AMBERLICIOUS88 6/23/2014 2:07PM

    Awe sweetie, I get sad when I hear someone is feeling this way. I admit I get this way a lot too...I just don't blog when I'm feeling that way, so good for you getting off your chest. Not being married doesn't make you any less of a person, and unfortunately that is not something you can control. Neither is a crappy boss/workplace. Diet and exercise IS something we can control, but don't let it control your life. Please remember, there are people out there with ALOT more than 7 lbs to worry about. And you look amazing the way you are already. I would kill for your body! When I start feeling the way you are right now, I start thinking about gratitude and how many people are so much more worse off than I am. When I think of my problems that way it seems to make them seem so small....cheer up! Maybe a spa day/massage will fix you up!

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VALIENDRA 6/23/2014 1:28PM

    I am sorry you feel that way. I cannot tell you what's the purpose of life as I have no idea. When I was a bit younger, around your age actually, that question made my life difficult. Was it really all there were to life? Working, sleeping, doing laundry and the likes... Well, it took myself some times to figure it out but eventually, I started doing something I really wanted to, changed my career path (still not happy with work but it's getting there) and I got involved in things I liked. I love volleyball though I lack coordination so I found a league in which I play every week. I tried hockey so my boyfriend and I had something to do together on a daily basis. I tried golf for the same reason. I started scrap booking and I've done pretty cool things.

Now, if work sucks, quit. That's all. You need to be happy and feel involved to give your best. So if it's not happening and if it's possible, make the move.

Good luck and feel better ☼

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BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 6/23/2014 1:09PM

    I am so sorry you're going through a tough time. Definitely do something for yourself to decompress and relax. Have you had a talk with your boyfriend recently about your feelings?

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HUSKERLAND3 6/23/2014 9:56AM

    Keep your head up.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Friedrich Nietzsche

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