Monday, June 23, 2014
a mental health day?
a yoga and spa session?
an eat-pray-love find my soul type getaway?
I've been feeling down lately. Like break down. melt down. quarter life crisis. I can't even exactly pin point what it is, which is almost more frustrating than feeling this way.
I get so caught up in the misery of the daily grind--is this all there is to life? I'm not meal planning. I can't bring myself to do much of anything in evenings, especially if I do work out. I resent that my daily life is work, workout, sleep (badly, at that). I'm not working out as hard as I should so I don't think my endorphins are kicking in enough to curb my anxiety. I'm not rested. I can't function without coffee in the morning. I'm not motivated. Last night the tension pain in my neck and shoulders was so bad I barely slept. I don't sleep well normally but it was especially bad.
My job, which I was once excited about because it directly uses my degree (which was important to me) and I was on a career track, has been in the decline. My supervisor has already told me I won't get my final promotion (which is completely unethical and maybe unlawful to tell me that months out, which means you're not basing the decision on my performance...but that's a whole other rant) and my management in general treats us like children. They drastically reduced our telework for no reason. She gets upset bc we wear capris (dress capris) to work. She thinks none of us actually work when we do telework. She is complete idiot, really, I have had to show her how to send emails and format Word documents before. I'm feeling under appreciated and its not good to feel like your supervisor doesn't feel like you do anything (when teleworking, or in general) the only reason I don't take it too personally is because she feels that way about her whole team. She just can't manage her employees. So yeah, the level of frustration I have is really getting to me.
I'm just extra down b/c this past weekend posted all over facebook was a couple of our graduate school friends getting married. So it felt like a double whammy--1) that this couple had been together less than my bf and I and are now married, and 2) we were like the only people from graduate school who were not invited, so that kind of hurt, and highlighted the fact that yet again, I feel like I have no friends.
And then of course there's the never ending struggle with my body. I haven't been able to lose any weight and I am still down only 5 lbs from my starting and a full 7lbs up from my lowest. But I can't get motivation to eat less and track, so what can I expect?
My birthday and my anniversary with my bf came and went recently and I'm now a year older and we are another year more together and nothing's changed. I know that sounds ungrateful. I just don't know what to do with my life, or what I'm expecting out of it. I know I should be grateful, and on paper, I am doing well, I have a good job, I'm able to pay my bills and enjoy the expensive area I live in, I love my kitty and I have a wonderful committed boyfriend. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the mundane and fantasize about leaving everything behind and traveling the world...you know? *sigh*
Monday, May 19, 2014
This blog really has nothing to do with Spark or related health/fitness things. I will say I am doing 2 weeks of barre3 online workouts because I have a 2 week trial. And I'm trying to stay within my calories as much as possible and eat healthy. You know, the usual. The three pound loss that showed up recently was bloat loss post bad eating wedding weekend.
Anyways, I'm feeling a bit blue right now and need to get it out. I'm kind of down on myself because I don't have a lot of friends. Summer is coming and there's so many things going on and all I can think is that I really wish I had friends to go out and do stuff with. Or even just a casual, come hang out by my pool with me!
This has always been an issue with me, feeling like I don't have friends and having anxiety about people not liking me (could be related to me not having many friends to begin with, but I guess that's another issue). If I reach out to people and they don't respond, I assume they don't like me and I give up and get depressed. I feel like I make friends easily but when it's not reciprocated I think, I guess they didn't really like me after all.
I moved down here almost three years ago from graduate school. College was hard for me because I was never friends with my roommates and I didn't bond with people my freshman year and I feel like most people did, so if you didn't, you pretty much missed the boat on lasting friendships. I came out of college with 1, maybe 2, friends I still keep in touch with, and of course, my boyfriend. I'm envious of girls that plan getaway weekends and reunions. Graduate school was better, I think being in a small cohort allows you all to bond better. I was lucky that a few of those friends ended up moving down here too. But, I just found out today that one couple is moving back home for job/family (she just found out shes pregnant). *sigh* I understand this is the course most people take in life. But to be completely selfish, there goes 50% of my friends/people that I knew down here. So yeah, do the math. 2 people. 2 friends. I've blogged about this before but it really gets to me that I don't have a great set of "sex and the city" type friends I can count on and be close with, and I feel like I should have that, and want that, at this point in my life. I love my bf and we have so much fun together, I DO consider him my best friend, but its not healthy for him to be my only social life, and I long for girls nights and the like. I keep feeling like if my bf and I ever broke up I would have zero support and zero friends to lean on, and it kind of makes me panic. I have a little bit of a girlfriends outlet at work, two of my coworkers are similar in age and we often get coffee or go get lunch. But they ask me about my weekend plans or tell me about theirs but there's never any consideration to hang out beyond work.
And before you all tell me to join groups or try Meetups, I've definitely done that. And yes, I should do more. But the meetups are always so awkward, I've rarely clicked with anyone, and if I do, I revert back to the nobody reaches out to me (even if I reach out to them) so I guess they didn't like me mindset. I also had a bad experience where I fell in to a group of ladies I met via meetup, but then they started cliquing and blatantly not inviting me out beyond meetup. Definitely not looking for high school drama in my friendships.
Sad, but true, this lack of friends makes me anxious about getting married. Not that that will ever even happen, but I have had the thought that I wouldn't have anyone to be in my party let alone invite to the wedding. Not sure what it is about me or why its so hard to find friends! I need to focus on positivity and what I DO have in my life, not what I wish I had. But friendships are an integral part of a fulfilled life and I just feel like there's a void in mine.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I'm in full beat myself up mode right now and I need to snap out of it. The wedding that I've been talking about was this past weekend, the one where the bride asked me to do a reading in the ceremony. I guess I did well, people I obviously didn't know (since I pretty much only knew the bride and groom and a couple of the wedding party) kept coming up to me after saying what a wonderful job I did. More importantly, the wedding was wonderful, the bride looked gorgeous, the weather held out, the speeches made everyone cry, and overall, it was the perfect day (or what looked like it) for her and I was so happy for her!!
I got to re-wear a dress that I wore for my cousin's wedding a few years ago. The dress has one strap so I wanted to do my hair sweeping on the opposite side, it came out like this:
I got several compliments on my dress and even the bride told me I looked gorgeous, and I'm like what are you saying, not as much as you!! I have a hard time with compliments. Pictures came out and all of it went right out the window. If you've followed me for some time, you know I am incredibly self-conscious of my arms, and here's why:
I have a hard time looking at this. I literally hate my arms. Even my dress that I got so many compliments on looks all weird and bunchy and I'm like what were people seeing? I pretty much just think I look awful. I am TRYING my hardest to blame my inability to pose properly for pictures and that I don't ACTUALLY look that big. Here's another pic of me at yet another wedding we went to recently:
I did the 'ole hand on my hip elbow sticking out bit that is most flattering on my arms, but it doesn't always look natural, so I opted not to do it in the one above. Obviously that was a big mistake. But it has me thinking, how in the world am I ever supposed to get a flattering picture that is not the contrived hand on hip pose? Literally, it makes me dread being in my friend's wedding party or heaven forbid it actually happens, my own wedding, where there will literally be hundreds of pictures taken of me. Any advice on posing for pics?
I gained 4 pounds over the weekend which I'm sure is mostly bloat (I rarely drink alcohol two nights in a row) and eating badly. On Saturday before the wedding we found this brunch place near our hotel that was amazing:
Yeah, that would be fluffy French toast with craisins and pecans and brown sugar sauce. To. die. for. and I ate almost ALL of it. The wedding then had a candy bar which I proceeded to finish my bag of on the flight home. Mother's day was good, I hadn't been able to make it home in a few years to see my mom but I did this year since the wedding was close, and she was very happy to have me and my sister home. We spent all day drinking tea and sitting out in the sun... it was just lovely. Then of course being wonderful mom she is, showers her love (love=food) on me and I was sent home with copious amounts of baked goods, cornbread, banana bread, and oatmeal raisin cookies. Talk about carb overload.
I keep thinking about how thick my arms look. I don't know what will help. While I am up a few pounds from where I've been and where I'd like to be, I don't think diet and exercise will help me. I don't know what to do. Right now my plan is to get strict with my calories and continue working out, and no alcohol until my birthday (june 3).
And here's a picture of my baby, I had my friend cat sit her when I was gone, pretty sure she fell in love with her. She tends to have that effect on people :)
Monday, May 05, 2014
Well folks, as most of you know who regularly follow me, I have a wedding coming up this weekend, where I will be standing up in front of everybody doing the first reading. And I had wanted to cut sugar, alcohol, carbs for 4 weeks prior to it and make some progress weight/toning wise. So I'm trying not to be so negative and say I outright failed, but yeah that's pretty much what happened.
I'm debating about not weighing myself this week because if I don't like what it says (and I can pretty much guarantee I won't) I'll probably feel even more self-conscious and uncomfortable at the wedding. My arms will be on full display and last time I tried on the dress I felt like I had a lower belly pooch, and its not even that fitted. I did an hour of Bob Harper strength training on Saturday and I'm STILL sore. Lots of squats and arms. I tell ya, if I do that workout regularly I might actually have arms I'm not so self conscious about. I was feeling strong and toned after that one for sure. Maybe I should do that workout again before I leave for the wedding so I can carry that feeling rather than being disappointed by what the scale says and having that exacerbate my insecurities.
I've been giving in. When I was in a particularly sour mood, I said to my bf well we might as well get X (pizza) b/c I'm not going to look like how I want to for the wedding anyway. He gave me a (much needed) lecture that I don't give myself enough credit and that I'm pretty and people look at MY body and say they wish they looked like that and that I'm a catch. *sigh* He would say that, he loves me, and I know this, so why isn't it enough for me to accept myself?! We didn't get pizza, but I did cook up some carb heavy lobster raviolis (again, with the carbs) and tracked it.
Thursday, I don't know whether it was the nice weather or what (I also had Friday off so it felt like a Friday to me) but we went out for Mexican b/c we had been craving it and wanted to try out this new place by us. Well, I overloaded on chips and salsa for sure, and ahem, 2 margaritas, my only minor victory was I ordered fajitas and literally didn't eat the tortillas so my meal, was basically chicken veggies and guac (no cheese or rice). Friday my bf was craving ice cream so he got, obviously the worst kind imaginable, Ben and Jerrys, and we split the pint. Yeah that happened. Again, I tracked it, and it obviously took me way over my calorie intake for the day. And Saturday we decided to have mint juleps for Kentucky Derby Day, and I had one too many. Yesterday was the monthly Sunday dinner meal: fried chicken, mac & cheese, cole slaw, strawberry shortcake for dessert. Ugh, I didn't eat the pre meal bread and I didn't finish my dessert but still.
I have been exercising a LOT. Last Wednesday I took my first rest day in 12 days. Thursday I did the steps a couple times at work then we walked to dinner, so I'd hardly call Thursday a workout day, but still. Friday I walked to CVS (about a mile from my apartment) got most of the way home only to realize I forgot the main reason for the CVS trip (ha, happen to anyone else?) so I walked back basically doubling my anticipated walking and ended up doing about 3 miles. Saturday was the Bob Harper day. Yesterday I did cardio recovery and walked to the dinner.
Oh and we have pizza in our fridge. BF ordered it yesterday (he wasn't able to come to the Sunday dinner with me, so that was his solution). My goal is to avoid that.
I have a lot to do before we leave on Friday, cleaning the apartment, my friend/cat sitter will be coming over, doing my nails (I know, priorities), packing (I am the WORST packer, it takes me forever) and of course daily workouts right through before we leave. Focus! No more giving in!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Boys, I'm sorry, so stop reading if you don't want to read about girl problems.
It's TOM. And I'm tired and craving nothing but chocolate and carbs. I've been over my calories (by like 500-600, from my upper range) the past TWO days. I have however worked out the last few days, and I've surpassed 1000 fitness minutes for April!
But, back to my issues at hand. Ever since my last blog my approach has been to just focus on tracking everything, even if its "bad food" in my mind. And last night, when I was craving carbs really badly, I caved. Dinner was spinach chicken sausage with onions and peppers sautéed in tomato sauce; I normally have this over a bed of greens, preferably arugula. Sometimes we do zoodles (zucchini noodles). But the bf cooked pasta for himself (enough to feed an army might I add) but I was craving it so bad I had some. Only about a cup, maybe a little more. I guess it was worth it. It added a comfort element. But you have to understand, as I'm trying to be mainly paleo, I've essentially cut out grains. Except sometimes going out, I never have bread anymore. I never have cereal. Or pasta. And no, I don't miss it, except apparently during TOM. I used to start my day, thinking I was "healthy" with kashi cereal and powered protein milk. The thought of it makes me cringe. After reading many a paleo article as to why grains are so bad for you, I do kind of view them as "processed" foods now and obviously, I'm trying to avoid processed foods. No more protein powder out of a container. No more wheat thins out of a box except occasionally, which were my FAVORITE snack. I used to eat chobanis all the time, now its on my list as "processed" and a no-no b/c of added sugar. As my "mainly" paleo approach, I do allow myself dairy, but I eat my greek yogurt now plain with fruit. I'm not trying push my "healthy" eating habits down anyone's throats or come off as this is the "right" way to do things. I'm merely emphasizing what a big deal it was for me, although it shouldn't be because feeling guilty about food is a dangerous and slippery slope.
Oh, and on Monday I basically ate a small bag of chocolates. Yes, I tracked it, but that still happened. My point is that I've gone from one enemy to the next, before I wasn't good about tracking, now I'm tracking but not entirely caring what I eat. I need to find a happy medium. It also hasn't helped that the bf did the grocery shopping this week and didn't get things I like for my lunch. Last week I pretty much took the same thing every day which was grilled chicken with tomato, avocado, and hot sauce (paleo). I can't blame him, I could actually PREP and cook chicken to use myself, but that would require work (ha).
Anyways, we're traveling for the wedding next Friday, so I still have 9 days to make progress. Not a whole lot. I "lost" the bloat weight from a bad weekend but I'm still about 6-7 lbs up from where I wanted to be. I know you all keep telling me it shouldn't be about the scale, and even during this TOM week I'm feeling less pudgy than normal, but I guess I am what I am. I just don't want to be self-conscious. My friend sent me what I'll be reading during the wedding today. Sort of nervous about it.
So, goal. Make every day now until count. Track. Exercise. Try to be as good as possible sticking to what I consider "healthy." Okay, go.
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