Monday, August 04, 2014
Here it is Monday and I find myself needing to regroup and recommit. Again. But cest' la vie, I've been trying to enjoy my summer--its always been my favorite time of year.
I've been working my butt off at work trying to prove I am deserving of my promotion, so when I get home, the last thing I feel like doing is being more productive.
Last weekend, not this past weekend, my boyfriend and I took a little weekend getaway to Shenandoah, which was truly the perfect getaway. We drove out there on Friday and got a 6.6mile hike in. Then, we still had to drive up to our campsite but it was closer to evening by then, so it was prime wildlife time--we saw tons of deer and 3 separate black bear sightings, including a mother with her cubs, the cubs were so tiny! I was glad I was in the car though, throughout our hike we kept a steady stream of showtunes going so we would scare off any bears lol. I totally killed my knees by the end of the hike, but it was worth it. Just a lot of uneven surface with rocks and going down, my knees simply can't handle it; I'd rather go up. Luckily, we reversed the hike by accident and we actually did the steep part going up at the end of the hiike which worked out better for me. I was carrying my camera backpack, snacks/water for the day, and after 3+ hours, Spark claims I burned over 800 calories. I doubt, but it was still a work out.
Saturday we had a ziplining tour in the morning, we've both been ziplining before so although it was tons of fun, there wasn't much novelty there. But at the end of the tour we had to rappel our way down, and not against anything. Normally you rappel down a wall or something, nope, this was freely down with a rope, it took a lot to trust yourself that when you let go you didn't just free fall down--adrenaline going!
That afternoon we relaxed, as planned, not that my knees could handle anymore hiking anyway, and did a little tour of Virginia wine country in that area. It was a beautiful day, warm, the wineries we went to had some great views, oh, and the wine was good ;) bf let me do most of the tastings so he could drive--always have to be responsible.
That evening we built up a big campfire, drank more wine, and ate lots of s'mores. Totally negated my hiking from the previous day but so worth it.
Sunday we made the drive back, stopping at a few more wineries, I drove so bf could do more of the tastings instead :)
Anyways, while that little weekend getaway was perfect, I think it really kicked my sweet tooth into overdrive (must have been all those amazing s'mores). And we didn't have time to go grocery shopping sunday evening when we got back so the whole week was pretty much a food wash. I tried to get salads for lunch but I had several binges, including one evening where my dinner was popcorn. This past weekend was also a mix of health and not so much. We did a fitness trail (fitness stops like bars and stuff along a bike trail) near us, which took about an hour to complete, and we were legit trying to run/jog between stations. Really enjoyed that. But Friday we went to a wine/chocolate/cheese bistro bar and consumed far too much of all those things, and Saturday fared no better. But, grocery shopping finally got done over the weekend and I am DETERMINED to stick to my calories this week.
I keep reading that diet is more important than exercise. I really need to hunker down and focus on that. We leave for our whirlwind new england road trip to see friends/family in 3 weeks and I want people to NOTICE my efforts. I have my meals planned this week. I just need to not let myself slip so much on the weekends and get my binging under control.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
First of all, I just want to say a big thank you to all of you especially on my last blog for all your support and encouragement! And for helping me feel not so alone and for understanding that sometimes we just get into funks, and thats okay. Your words are truly appreciated.
I'm feeling a little better than that last blog. I know I need to focus on things I CAN control, and I usually do have that mindset, sometimes I just get caught up. One thing at a time.
My job. My managers still suck. But I realized its not the end of the world; my manager should be lucky that I care so much about my job and doing well that I'm busting my butt proving that I DO deserve my promotion despite her saying I won't (again, how can you tell me months out I won't get it? obviously you're not even reviewing my performance since the period isn't over and I've done nothing but good work). Also they gave me a special project I am thrilled to be involved in. I still put my feelers out and applied to a couple other jobs. My boss is also retiring in another year or so, so at this point, I really don't mind staying where I am. I'm working hard, I mostly like what I do, it pays well and I get vacation. Those things are important to me. While I would also like recognition for the things I do, I can't have it all. This job is not a be all end all of my career.
My boyfriend. I need to find a way to deal better when I'm put into a situation where I'm made to feel bad about myself b/c its 7 years and my boyfriend can't commit. My friend was in town recently with her mom (more on that later) and her mom was asking about us and basically asked why, what is taking him so long? I obviously don't know! My own mother always reminds me (but with derogatory undertones) that her and my father were together 7 years before getting married. Yep, I'm there. Over 7 years, hellooo. We had a uncharacteristically huge fight recently that kind of rattled me. I also brought it up again, not demanding where is my ring, but we need to be honest with each other and you need to be fair to me, so if this isn't what you want....you need to tell me. So yeah, I can never get much out of him. I think I'll end up proposing to him!
Friends. I still wish I had more friends where I live. Finding out recently that I wasn't invited to a bachelorette party for a friend I see monthly (however I was invited to the wedding) kind of hurt. I panicked during my fight with my bf that I have no support if we break up, so I ended up going out to a girlnight meetup, which was fun, but it seemed like a one time thing nobody was interested in further reaching out to each other. I had a friend from high school come visit me recently b/c she was in town for a wedding, but I hadn't seen or talked to her in years. That felt really good she contacted me and it was great catching up! It's amazing how sometimes a little hey lets catch up can bring a friend back in your life, least I hope!
Food/fitness/health. So my friend who came into town recently is one of my best childhood friends, I'll be her co-maid of honor in her wedding (don't get me started on the "co" thing). So she was in town for a pageant, which right away I will say I don't support. I can see ones (and I was actually in one and won myself in high school) that are actual scholarship programs and don't require one to parade around half naked. This was not that kind of pageant, it was a true pageant, not even talent, just be "beautiful" and walk a runway. Anyways, she hired a pageant "personal trainer" who whipped her butt "into shape" and I asked her if she had her on a diet too...she said, well its kind of unhealthy (um red flag) but it really produces results. The gist of her diet seemed to be rice cakes and applesauce, with on occasional egg and half a banana. she also had to eat every few hours and was encouraged to eat a couple pieces of candy to "stay perky." UMMMM And her mother was going on and on about how wonderful she looks and how amazing she looks and she's never had abs before and just look at her! and yet her mother admitted shes gotten comments from others that she's too skinny! I showed her pics to my bf, and a few other close friends and they all agreed she was too skinny. So allow me to body bash and be jealous for minute (also, how does that make sense that I'm jealous and yet most people think shes too skinny). okay, done. she is a stunning girl, always has been tall, we met as dancers so she still looks the part, but I'm sorry how is that worth it? and of course I'm jealous that she has the will power and can afford a "personal trainer" (although anyone who calls themself that then recommends a diet like that is NOT in my opinion, a healthy-focused personal trainer) and gets "results." But I will NEVER look like her. I'm not shaped like her I'm not tall like her I could never look the pageant part, not that I want to. Its actually sad I really dont know why she wants to do pageants and subject herself to being unhealthy in the first place. Anyways, now I'm worried she's going to keep this up for her wedding in a year. I'll be the short fat maid next to her-ha! Its fine, everyone will be looking at her. Okay, rant over.
I just need to continue on my journey in a healthy way. Which has been incredibly hard lately. I've been doing a lot of barre so I feel like my stamina isn't quite there b/c I'm not getting a lot of cardio. I really need to step it up. I've been drinking and eating too much on weekends and negating any week progress.
I'm going on vacation in August, for a whirlwind tour around new england where my bf and I are from, visiting family and friends, and in general just being tourists in our home states. Really looking forward to it! But from now until then I really need to step it up so I look good for that.
pick it up on the cardio
Less drinking, try to aim for none
Less food cheats (that giant muffin last week, donuts were brought into work, frozen yogurt "because its hot out")
More meal planning.
I know, not smart goals
Just over 5 weeks until vacation! mini vacation weekend camping in less than 2, whoo hoo! I love summer!
Monday, June 23, 2014
a mental health day?
a yoga and spa session?
an eat-pray-love find my soul type getaway?
I've been feeling down lately. Like break down. melt down. quarter life crisis. I can't even exactly pin point what it is, which is almost more frustrating than feeling this way.
I get so caught up in the misery of the daily grind--is this all there is to life? I'm not meal planning. I can't bring myself to do much of anything in evenings, especially if I do work out. I resent that my daily life is work, workout, sleep (badly, at that). I'm not working out as hard as I should so I don't think my endorphins are kicking in enough to curb my anxiety. I'm not rested. I can't function without coffee in the morning. I'm not motivated. Last night the tension pain in my neck and shoulders was so bad I barely slept. I don't sleep well normally but it was especially bad.
My job, which I was once excited about because it directly uses my degree (which was important to me) and I was on a career track, has been in the decline. My supervisor has already told me I won't get my final promotion (which is completely unethical and maybe unlawful to tell me that months out, which means you're not basing the decision on my performance...but that's a whole other rant) and my management in general treats us like children. They drastically reduced our telework for no reason. She gets upset bc we wear capris (dress capris) to work. She thinks none of us actually work when we do telework. She is complete idiot, really, I have had to show her how to send emails and format Word documents before. I'm feeling under appreciated and its not good to feel like your supervisor doesn't feel like you do anything (when teleworking, or in general) the only reason I don't take it too personally is because she feels that way about her whole team. She just can't manage her employees. So yeah, the level of frustration I have is really getting to me.
I'm just extra down b/c this past weekend posted all over facebook was a couple of our graduate school friends getting married. So it felt like a double whammy--1) that this couple had been together less than my bf and I and are now married, and 2) we were like the only people from graduate school who were not invited, so that kind of hurt, and highlighted the fact that yet again, I feel like I have no friends.
And then of course there's the never ending struggle with my body. I haven't been able to lose any weight and I am still down only 5 lbs from my starting and a full 7lbs up from my lowest. But I can't get motivation to eat less and track, so what can I expect?
My birthday and my anniversary with my bf came and went recently and I'm now a year older and we are another year more together and nothing's changed. I know that sounds ungrateful. I just don't know what to do with my life, or what I'm expecting out of it. I know I should be grateful, and on paper, I am doing well, I have a good job, I'm able to pay my bills and enjoy the expensive area I live in, I love my kitty and I have a wonderful committed boyfriend. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the mundane and fantasize about leaving everything behind and traveling the world...you know? *sigh*
Monday, May 19, 2014
This blog really has nothing to do with Spark or related health/fitness things. I will say I am doing 2 weeks of barre3 online workouts because I have a 2 week trial. And I'm trying to stay within my calories as much as possible and eat healthy. You know, the usual. The three pound loss that showed up recently was bloat loss post bad eating wedding weekend.
Anyways, I'm feeling a bit blue right now and need to get it out. I'm kind of down on myself because I don't have a lot of friends. Summer is coming and there's so many things going on and all I can think is that I really wish I had friends to go out and do stuff with. Or even just a casual, come hang out by my pool with me!
This has always been an issue with me, feeling like I don't have friends and having anxiety about people not liking me (could be related to me not having many friends to begin with, but I guess that's another issue). If I reach out to people and they don't respond, I assume they don't like me and I give up and get depressed. I feel like I make friends easily but when it's not reciprocated I think, I guess they didn't really like me after all.
I moved down here almost three years ago from graduate school. College was hard for me because I was never friends with my roommates and I didn't bond with people my freshman year and I feel like most people did, so if you didn't, you pretty much missed the boat on lasting friendships. I came out of college with 1, maybe 2, friends I still keep in touch with, and of course, my boyfriend. I'm envious of girls that plan getaway weekends and reunions. Graduate school was better, I think being in a small cohort allows you all to bond better. I was lucky that a few of those friends ended up moving down here too. But, I just found out today that one couple is moving back home for job/family (she just found out shes pregnant). *sigh* I understand this is the course most people take in life. But to be completely selfish, there goes 50% of my friends/people that I knew down here. So yeah, do the math. 2 people. 2 friends. I've blogged about this before but it really gets to me that I don't have a great set of "sex and the city" type friends I can count on and be close with, and I feel like I should have that, and want that, at this point in my life. I love my bf and we have so much fun together, I DO consider him my best friend, but its not healthy for him to be my only social life, and I long for girls nights and the like. I keep feeling like if my bf and I ever broke up I would have zero support and zero friends to lean on, and it kind of makes me panic. I have a little bit of a girlfriends outlet at work, two of my coworkers are similar in age and we often get coffee or go get lunch. But they ask me about my weekend plans or tell me about theirs but there's never any consideration to hang out beyond work.
And before you all tell me to join groups or try Meetups, I've definitely done that. And yes, I should do more. But the meetups are always so awkward, I've rarely clicked with anyone, and if I do, I revert back to the nobody reaches out to me (even if I reach out to them) so I guess they didn't like me mindset. I also had a bad experience where I fell in to a group of ladies I met via meetup, but then they started cliquing and blatantly not inviting me out beyond meetup. Definitely not looking for high school drama in my friendships.
Sad, but true, this lack of friends makes me anxious about getting married. Not that that will ever even happen, but I have had the thought that I wouldn't have anyone to be in my party let alone invite to the wedding. Not sure what it is about me or why its so hard to find friends! I need to focus on positivity and what I DO have in my life, not what I wish I had. But friendships are an integral part of a fulfilled life and I just feel like there's a void in mine.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I'm in full beat myself up mode right now and I need to snap out of it. The wedding that I've been talking about was this past weekend, the one where the bride asked me to do a reading in the ceremony. I guess I did well, people I obviously didn't know (since I pretty much only knew the bride and groom and a couple of the wedding party) kept coming up to me after saying what a wonderful job I did. More importantly, the wedding was wonderful, the bride looked gorgeous, the weather held out, the speeches made everyone cry, and overall, it was the perfect day (or what looked like it) for her and I was so happy for her!!
I got to re-wear a dress that I wore for my cousin's wedding a few years ago. The dress has one strap so I wanted to do my hair sweeping on the opposite side, it came out like this:
I got several compliments on my dress and even the bride told me I looked gorgeous, and I'm like what are you saying, not as much as you!! I have a hard time with compliments. Pictures came out and all of it went right out the window. If you've followed me for some time, you know I am incredibly self-conscious of my arms, and here's why:
I have a hard time looking at this. I literally hate my arms. Even my dress that I got so many compliments on looks all weird and bunchy and I'm like what were people seeing? I pretty much just think I look awful. I am TRYING my hardest to blame my inability to pose properly for pictures and that I don't ACTUALLY look that big. Here's another pic of me at yet another wedding we went to recently:
I did the 'ole hand on my hip elbow sticking out bit that is most flattering on my arms, but it doesn't always look natural, so I opted not to do it in the one above. Obviously that was a big mistake. But it has me thinking, how in the world am I ever supposed to get a flattering picture that is not the contrived hand on hip pose? Literally, it makes me dread being in my friend's wedding party or heaven forbid it actually happens, my own wedding, where there will literally be hundreds of pictures taken of me. Any advice on posing for pics?
I gained 4 pounds over the weekend which I'm sure is mostly bloat (I rarely drink alcohol two nights in a row) and eating badly. On Saturday before the wedding we found this brunch place near our hotel that was amazing:
Yeah, that would be fluffy French toast with craisins and pecans and brown sugar sauce. To. die. for. and I ate almost ALL of it. The wedding then had a candy bar which I proceeded to finish my bag of on the flight home. Mother's day was good, I hadn't been able to make it home in a few years to see my mom but I did this year since the wedding was close, and she was very happy to have me and my sister home. We spent all day drinking tea and sitting out in the sun... it was just lovely. Then of course being wonderful mom she is, showers her love (love=food) on me and I was sent home with copious amounts of baked goods, cornbread, banana bread, and oatmeal raisin cookies. Talk about carb overload.
I keep thinking about how thick my arms look. I don't know what will help. While I am up a few pounds from where I've been and where I'd like to be, I don't think diet and exercise will help me. I don't know what to do. Right now my plan is to get strict with my calories and continue working out, and no alcohol until my birthday (june 3).
And here's a picture of my baby, I had my friend cat sit her when I was gone, pretty sure she fell in love with her. She tends to have that effect on people :)
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