Monday, September 15, 2014
This blog is going to get quite ranty so if you're not into that, consider yourself warned.
I haven't been keeping up with my September plan. I've missed several planned workouts and/or they changed to walking rather than a specific hard-core cardio session as planned. Walking is not exactly the same as a full-blown heart pumping cardio session, so yeah, haven't been up to par in that department. I've been better about planning my breakfasts/lunches for the week but still have had several slip ups and forget the weekend. Last weekend was my bf's birthday and that was a full night of badness (food and alcohol) the day after he wanted to go to our favorite sushi place and since we didnt really go out to eat for his birthday, we did that as well. It is nearly impossible not to overindulge at this place, for us anyway. Then during the week I had one day in particular that I was incredibly tired so I had too much coffee (which I can't drink without sugar so...yeah) and I was so worked up from stress at work that I had a (couple) glasses of wine after work. I never do that. ugh. then this past weekend we ate dinner out and ordered delivery the next day. Not healthy in the slightest. Really not doing a good job of that no-binging on weekend thing.
I don't know why it's so hard for me. Just be healthy! Just choose the carrots over ordering wings! just make yourself work out when you're stressed, its better for you than wine for sure! I'm always feeling like I'm taking 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. But its my own doing and fault.
Work has been awful. I think I mentioned a while back that my supervisor told me I probably wouldn't get my promotion, which I'm due for in january (but the fiscal year/performance reviews happen end of september) so I've been working incredibly hard to prove I deserve it. Still my coworker, who technically is more senior than me, is always getting work referred to her and is clearly favored--so how am I supposed to prove myself if I'm not given the same opportunities? I've been trying to create my own work and prove I'm just as valuable.
THEN, I requested my holiday leave on august 5th. I'm only asking for the 2 days before both thanksgiving and christmas because I fly home. My supervisor literally refused to approve them. They have been sitting in our leave system and I brought it to her attention and she's not approving them. She has told me repeatedly that when I request it in the system has no bearing on whether its granted or not (poll, if leave is NOT granted on a first come first serve basis, what IS a fair way to approve or disprove it?). my supervisor told me she needed to wait until she knew what my coworker (the more senior one) was doing for leave. Why her plans were contingent on mine made my head spin. Why do i have to wait for her? What if she wants the same days? How are you going to decide who get its? Are you going do deny my leave b/c she wants it too? How is that fair?? My supervisor told me that her boss, my second level supervisor, wanted one of us (me or my coworker) to be in the office. Now let me preface this with the fact that i was clear I was willing to work half days or be flexible, I just needed to know if I was needed in the office--it wasn't about having to work or not I just NEEDED TO KNOW if my supervisor WOULD approve my leave or not so I could book my flights around times I was needed or not. I thought that was common courtesy. But no. Anyways, I approached my second level supervisor saying I was concerned about my supervisor not approving my leave, flights are getting expensive, and I don't know why she has to wait to hear from my coworker (who was on leave by the way) to approve my leave. She didn't understand why my supervisor had to wait either or what my coworker's plans had to do with it. I didn't WANT to undermine my supervisor by going to my second level supervisor but she was lying to me. My second level supervisor never said one of us needed to be in the office, only that the team needed coverage, and there are others on my team besides myself and my coworker (not to mention, as a supervisor, shouldn't you be willing to make sacrifices and work? that's part of the responsibility of the title). My supervisor is asking for a full 2 weeks off, christmas week through new years week and she cannot approve my one day. Having both me and my coworker be off might jeopardize her ability to take her leave so she needed to make sure or demand one of us work so she could take her leave. So not only is she being immature she also lied to me. I ended up confronting her, I told her that I had talked to my second level supervisor and she never said one of us needed to be in the office, so I didn't understand why my supervisor was telling me that; she was pretty much caught red-handed. she said when did you talk to (my second level supervisor?) I said recently shes like oh, um i guess I'll go confirm with her, so she ended up having to approve my thanksgiving leave, although she's still refusing to approve my christmas leave. To make matters worse, she does this to me every year! And someone always ends up being able to cover the office. But by the time she approves my leave, which is the case now, flights are ridiculously expensive, so now, I may not even go home for thanksgiving until wed night or first thing that morning when flights are cheaper and I may end up working that day anyway. Phew. It has been unbelievably aggravating feeling like she was prioritizing my coworkers needs over mine, lying to me, and having no qualm about taking 2 weeks off herself. OH and the second level supervisor sent out an email saying if you've taken the weeks off for both holidays in the past, be sure to allow your staff to take it off, and asking that they only take off one holiday, not both. So my supervisor comes over crying to me about how UNFAIR that is, and can you believe it?! LADY, you won't even approve my one day and you think not being able to take both weeks off is unfair?
Moral is, even though she verbally approved my thanksgiving leave its not approved in the system and my flights are still not booked. ugh. She claims she's retiring in june and if I can just make it until then I might be okay. If I am denied my promotion come january I will need to consider my options. But that promotion would be a big one :( Sometimes I fantasize about quitting my job and doing the things I love...finally opening my etsy jewelry shop and running a franchise of my favorite barre studio. I even went so far as to request more information about starting a franchise. Imagine the freedom of being your own boss for two businesses! Being creative and staying fit would be part of the job!
So beyond that...some of you may or may not know that I have a history of anxiety; I've gone to therapy for it and it went so far as anti-anxiety/depression medication was prescribed for me but I just didn't have the guts to go through with it. I know you can't live your life in fear but with everything going on in today's world has just been really stressful for me. I live in dc metro and literally work across from the White House. With ISIS and terrorism on high, that's not exactly a comfort. There was an African leadership summit at the white house at the beginning peak of the ebola outbreak--which by the way is no where near under control. Living in such an international area it's really a plane flight away. I really need to just take a break from the news for my mental health sake, but its hard because I do like to be informed.
And then there's my food and weight struggles. I've stopped weighing myself because nothings changed, and if i do lose I succumb to the mindset, I don't really need to lose, so I give in. But at the end of the day, I don't really like how I look and I can't fit into some of my pants so that's what needs to be my motivating factor. I worry about all the events (being in my best friends wedding, etc) I have coming up and my worst fear (I guess I let what others think weigh too heavily) is that people who I haven't seen in a while think I've let myself go. I love my best friend but she does come from a judgmental family (shes the one who was in a pageant, looked anorexic, and her mom was like wow doesnt she look amazing?!) her cousin, the other maid of honor, put on a couple pounds recently (literally a couple) and her mom described her as "so heavy you wouldn't recognize her anymore" and these are the people I have to be presentable for to be in the wedding. not to mention the cousin, the other maid of honor, is already being immature about planning. its like just because she's not the only maid of honor she's refusing to cooperate with me. Case in point, the bride recently emailed us options for save the dates, the cousin responded to her immediately. I emailed the cousin saying hey I think it would be useful to have a place we can bounce ideas and keep each other posted for planning. I knew she's started thinking/planning for the shower so I asked her what shes done and what I can do. I have some ideas for the bachelorette so I shared those and asked for her thoughts. I have received no response from her. This unresponsiveness has happened a couple times already. I mean, she has to acknowledge I too am a maid of honor and that we need to work together to plan, which means communicating--right?
And then there's the ever present thought in the back of my mind that gets me down is why 7.5 years with my bf and he doesn't want/can't/won't commit to me. Holidays are always an issue because we don't spend them together and I'd like to and I've expressed this, and when we don't its kind of like well I guess there's no reason to, we're not engaged or anything but that just drives the point home. So yeah, we'll see what happens this year.
Sorry for the novel rant. I warned you, if you made it this far, thanks for reading and for your support! Here's to turning around the rest of September!
Tuesday, September 02, 2014
So, I didn't get to where I wanted to be as far as weight loss/fitness goals before my vacation. Oh well, I'm over it. Vacation was wonderful, spending time with friends and family and people I don't live near was really great. Plus we had beautiful weather and it was super fun playing tourists, even if it was in our own home states (Mass for me, VT for my bf, plus NH to visit a couple friends of ours).
In all, we visited four wineries, two distilleries, a cidery, a cheese factory, an ice cream factory (Ben & Jerry's!!), and a chocolate factory...um yeah not kidding lol. Apparently being "touristy" equals being a local foodie (what is the equivalent of that for beverages??) My favorite things I ate were some Grafton garlic cheddar cheese and cider fudge (we were in Vermont after all!) Plus going out to dinner pretty much every night. We did quite a bit of walking, hiking, and some kayaking. Overall I gained a couple pounds and was in a desperate need of a cleanse upon returning home--just in time for September!
Visiting my friends was great--except when she asked my bf when he was making an honest woman out of me! I wanted to crawl under the dinner table and die. Then, my friend who I'll be a maid of honor for, dragged me to look at wedding bands (we were all out together being touristy, including my bf! why she needed to do that is beyond me...) her fiance yelled at her, why would you do that, that's putting so much pressure on [my bf]!! Umm yeah awkward. Other than that it was great seeing them lol! I know some of you reading this will relate though ;)
Anyways, between hiking and all the factory tours and watching glass blowing, I took way too many pictures to post.
But here is my favorite one I took of a paddle boarder on Lake Champlain:
We drove up Mt. Mansfield (the tallest in Vermont) and took a small hike to a summit but we were literally in the clouds and it was freezing so there wasn't much of a view and we didnt last long:
Here are a couple of me from hiking:
I'm still not thrilled with how I look. I just think my arms and face look chubby. I'm still sitting at 109lbs (up 6lbs from my low), been here for over a year now.
And, we got a lot of puppy time over our vacation, I love dogs (all animals really) so that was really exciting; this is my fav shot of my bf's parents' golden:
But, my cat, who my parents watched for the week, seemed to really miss us and she was all cuddly and snuggly with us, far more than usual, when we returned:
So for September. I've already developed a fitness plan for the whole month. I'll be focusing on my barre (I have an online subscription, and it does wonders for my hip posture, so I'm trying to keep that up) but trying to up my cardio so I'm shooting for three days a week of each with some flexibility on the weekends for hiking or rest days. As for food, I am FED UP with what I should eat or focus on. Whole30. Strict paleo. modified paleo. low carb. carb cycling. Literally my only focus right now is to stay within my calories most days (shooting for weekdays, and not totally bingeing on weekends) eating low-ish carbs, and whole good foods. If I don't have time to prepare dinner and need to throw in a trader joe's frozen healthy-ish meal (I recommend the mojito salmon!), so be it.
My bf's birthday is Friday and we are going out. I'm planning on this being a cheat meal/night. As long as I can get back on track I'll be okay. Fall is around the corner (even though today was 95+ degrees in the DC area) and its a wonderful season and great for hiking, but I need to get my weight and eating under control before the holidays roll around! ahh!
Monday, August 04, 2014
Here it is Monday and I find myself needing to regroup and recommit. Again. But cest' la vie, I've been trying to enjoy my summer--its always been my favorite time of year.
I've been working my butt off at work trying to prove I am deserving of my promotion, so when I get home, the last thing I feel like doing is being more productive.
Last weekend, not this past weekend, my boyfriend and I took a little weekend getaway to Shenandoah, which was truly the perfect getaway. We drove out there on Friday and got a 6.6mile hike in. Then, we still had to drive up to our campsite but it was closer to evening by then, so it was prime wildlife time--we saw tons of deer and 3 separate black bear sightings, including a mother with her cubs, the cubs were so tiny! I was glad I was in the car though, throughout our hike we kept a steady stream of showtunes going so we would scare off any bears lol. I totally killed my knees by the end of the hike, but it was worth it. Just a lot of uneven surface with rocks and going down, my knees simply can't handle it; I'd rather go up. Luckily, we reversed the hike by accident and we actually did the steep part going up at the end of the hiike which worked out better for me. I was carrying my camera backpack, snacks/water for the day, and after 3+ hours, Spark claims I burned over 800 calories. I doubt, but it was still a work out.
Saturday we had a ziplining tour in the morning, we've both been ziplining before so although it was tons of fun, there wasn't much novelty there. But at the end of the tour we had to rappel our way down, and not against anything. Normally you rappel down a wall or something, nope, this was freely down with a rope, it took a lot to trust yourself that when you let go you didn't just free fall down--adrenaline going!
That afternoon we relaxed, as planned, not that my knees could handle anymore hiking anyway, and did a little tour of Virginia wine country in that area. It was a beautiful day, warm, the wineries we went to had some great views, oh, and the wine was good ;) bf let me do most of the tastings so he could drive--always have to be responsible.
That evening we built up a big campfire, drank more wine, and ate lots of s'mores. Totally negated my hiking from the previous day but so worth it.
Sunday we made the drive back, stopping at a few more wineries, I drove so bf could do more of the tastings instead :)
Anyways, while that little weekend getaway was perfect, I think it really kicked my sweet tooth into overdrive (must have been all those amazing s'mores). And we didn't have time to go grocery shopping sunday evening when we got back so the whole week was pretty much a food wash. I tried to get salads for lunch but I had several binges, including one evening where my dinner was popcorn. This past weekend was also a mix of health and not so much. We did a fitness trail (fitness stops like bars and stuff along a bike trail) near us, which took about an hour to complete, and we were legit trying to run/jog between stations. Really enjoyed that. But Friday we went to a wine/chocolate/cheese bistro bar and consumed far too much of all those things, and Saturday fared no better. But, grocery shopping finally got done over the weekend and I am DETERMINED to stick to my calories this week.
I keep reading that diet is more important than exercise. I really need to hunker down and focus on that. We leave for our whirlwind new england road trip to see friends/family in 3 weeks and I want people to NOTICE my efforts. I have my meals planned this week. I just need to not let myself slip so much on the weekends and get my binging under control.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
First of all, I just want to say a big thank you to all of you especially on my last blog for all your support and encouragement! And for helping me feel not so alone and for understanding that sometimes we just get into funks, and thats okay. Your words are truly appreciated.
I'm feeling a little better than that last blog. I know I need to focus on things I CAN control, and I usually do have that mindset, sometimes I just get caught up. One thing at a time.
My job. My managers still suck. But I realized its not the end of the world; my manager should be lucky that I care so much about my job and doing well that I'm busting my butt proving that I DO deserve my promotion despite her saying I won't (again, how can you tell me months out I won't get it? obviously you're not even reviewing my performance since the period isn't over and I've done nothing but good work). Also they gave me a special project I am thrilled to be involved in. I still put my feelers out and applied to a couple other jobs. My boss is also retiring in another year or so, so at this point, I really don't mind staying where I am. I'm working hard, I mostly like what I do, it pays well and I get vacation. Those things are important to me. While I would also like recognition for the things I do, I can't have it all. This job is not a be all end all of my career.
My boyfriend. I need to find a way to deal better when I'm put into a situation where I'm made to feel bad about myself b/c its 7 years and my boyfriend can't commit. My friend was in town recently with her mom (more on that later) and her mom was asking about us and basically asked why, what is taking him so long? I obviously don't know! My own mother always reminds me (but with derogatory undertones) that her and my father were together 7 years before getting married. Yep, I'm there. Over 7 years, hellooo. We had a uncharacteristically huge fight recently that kind of rattled me. I also brought it up again, not demanding where is my ring, but we need to be honest with each other and you need to be fair to me, so if this isn't what you want....you need to tell me. So yeah, I can never get much out of him. I think I'll end up proposing to him!
Friends. I still wish I had more friends where I live. Finding out recently that I wasn't invited to a bachelorette party for a friend I see monthly (however I was invited to the wedding) kind of hurt. I panicked during my fight with my bf that I have no support if we break up, so I ended up going out to a girlnight meetup, which was fun, but it seemed like a one time thing nobody was interested in further reaching out to each other. I had a friend from high school come visit me recently b/c she was in town for a wedding, but I hadn't seen or talked to her in years. That felt really good she contacted me and it was great catching up! It's amazing how sometimes a little hey lets catch up can bring a friend back in your life, least I hope!
Food/fitness/health. So my friend who came into town recently is one of my best childhood friends, I'll be her co-maid of honor in her wedding (don't get me started on the "co" thing). So she was in town for a pageant, which right away I will say I don't support. I can see ones (and I was actually in one and won myself in high school) that are actual scholarship programs and don't require one to parade around half naked. This was not that kind of pageant, it was a true pageant, not even talent, just be "beautiful" and walk a runway. Anyways, she hired a pageant "personal trainer" who whipped her butt "into shape" and I asked her if she had her on a diet too...she said, well its kind of unhealthy (um red flag) but it really produces results. The gist of her diet seemed to be rice cakes and applesauce, with on occasional egg and half a banana. she also had to eat every few hours and was encouraged to eat a couple pieces of candy to "stay perky." UMMMM And her mother was going on and on about how wonderful she looks and how amazing she looks and she's never had abs before and just look at her! and yet her mother admitted shes gotten comments from others that she's too skinny! I showed her pics to my bf, and a few other close friends and they all agreed she was too skinny. So allow me to body bash and be jealous for minute (also, how does that make sense that I'm jealous and yet most people think shes too skinny). okay, done. she is a stunning girl, always has been tall, we met as dancers so she still looks the part, but I'm sorry how is that worth it? and of course I'm jealous that she has the will power and can afford a "personal trainer" (although anyone who calls themself that then recommends a diet like that is NOT in my opinion, a healthy-focused personal trainer) and gets "results." But I will NEVER look like her. I'm not shaped like her I'm not tall like her I could never look the pageant part, not that I want to. Its actually sad I really dont know why she wants to do pageants and subject herself to being unhealthy in the first place. Anyways, now I'm worried she's going to keep this up for her wedding in a year. I'll be the short fat maid next to her-ha! Its fine, everyone will be looking at her. Okay, rant over.
I just need to continue on my journey in a healthy way. Which has been incredibly hard lately. I've been doing a lot of barre so I feel like my stamina isn't quite there b/c I'm not getting a lot of cardio. I really need to step it up. I've been drinking and eating too much on weekends and negating any week progress.
I'm going on vacation in August, for a whirlwind tour around new england where my bf and I are from, visiting family and friends, and in general just being tourists in our home states. Really looking forward to it! But from now until then I really need to step it up so I look good for that.
pick it up on the cardio
Less drinking, try to aim for none
Less food cheats (that giant muffin last week, donuts were brought into work, frozen yogurt "because its hot out")
More meal planning.
I know, not smart goals
Just over 5 weeks until vacation! mini vacation weekend camping in less than 2, whoo hoo! I love summer!
Monday, June 23, 2014
a mental health day?
a yoga and spa session?
an eat-pray-love find my soul type getaway?
I've been feeling down lately. Like break down. melt down. quarter life crisis. I can't even exactly pin point what it is, which is almost more frustrating than feeling this way.
I get so caught up in the misery of the daily grind--is this all there is to life? I'm not meal planning. I can't bring myself to do much of anything in evenings, especially if I do work out. I resent that my daily life is work, workout, sleep (badly, at that). I'm not working out as hard as I should so I don't think my endorphins are kicking in enough to curb my anxiety. I'm not rested. I can't function without coffee in the morning. I'm not motivated. Last night the tension pain in my neck and shoulders was so bad I barely slept. I don't sleep well normally but it was especially bad.
My job, which I was once excited about because it directly uses my degree (which was important to me) and I was on a career track, has been in the decline. My supervisor has already told me I won't get my final promotion (which is completely unethical and maybe unlawful to tell me that months out, which means you're not basing the decision on my performance...but that's a whole other rant) and my management in general treats us like children. They drastically reduced our telework for no reason. She gets upset bc we wear capris (dress capris) to work. She thinks none of us actually work when we do telework. She is complete idiot, really, I have had to show her how to send emails and format Word documents before. I'm feeling under appreciated and its not good to feel like your supervisor doesn't feel like you do anything (when teleworking, or in general) the only reason I don't take it too personally is because she feels that way about her whole team. She just can't manage her employees. So yeah, the level of frustration I have is really getting to me.
I'm just extra down b/c this past weekend posted all over facebook was a couple of our graduate school friends getting married. So it felt like a double whammy--1) that this couple had been together less than my bf and I and are now married, and 2) we were like the only people from graduate school who were not invited, so that kind of hurt, and highlighted the fact that yet again, I feel like I have no friends.
And then of course there's the never ending struggle with my body. I haven't been able to lose any weight and I am still down only 5 lbs from my starting and a full 7lbs up from my lowest. But I can't get motivation to eat less and track, so what can I expect?
My birthday and my anniversary with my bf came and went recently and I'm now a year older and we are another year more together and nothing's changed. I know that sounds ungrateful. I just don't know what to do with my life, or what I'm expecting out of it. I know I should be grateful, and on paper, I am doing well, I have a good job, I'm able to pay my bills and enjoy the expensive area I live in, I love my kitty and I have a wonderful committed boyfriend. But sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the mundane and fantasize about leaving everything behind and traveling the world...you know? *sigh*
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