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Unhealthy Relationship

Friday, April 11, 2014

I'm no spring chicken. I mean, I don't have one foot in the grave yet or anything, but I'm not the vivacious 20 year old I used to be. I have life experience, I've experienced ultimate highs and lows. I've lived through some relationships that I've had to question myself why I put myself there. Usually, the solution was easy. Once I realized how toxic the relationship was I removed myself. I deserve a pat on the back for that, I deserve to celebrate my ability to recognize the toxicity of a bad relationship and my ability to change it.

But, there is a deeper issue. I have an extremely toxic relationship with something I simply cannot walk away from....food. I must have food to survive. Food is everywhere. It is at the most joyous events, it is at the most difficult times, it's everywhere, all the time. Every minute of every day is a challenge because of the horrible relationship I have with food. It's a comfort when it should only be a fuel. It's one constant, it's there for me when I need it, I can shove it away when it turns my stomach. This is the perfect storm of a relationship.

I've never found it so difficult to alter a relationship, mold it into what is best for me, but this I must do. It is time to STOP thinking about food every waking moment. Food to make me feel better emotionally but feel horrible physically. The emotional fix is so much more temporary than the physical damage I do every time I eat with my emotions. Sure, I feel better emotionally when I stuff my face with pizza. But an hour later the heart burn creeps in, I feel like a slug, and guess what....I'm depressed all over again because dang it "why can't I get over this"..."I'm such a failure". "Well, I sure did screw up this meal, it's Tuesday now, Sunday is my diet start day so may as well just eat like cow for the rest of the week and get back on track on Sunday."

Meanwhile, during those 5 days I put on as much weight as it takes 2 weeks to take off. Weigh-in on Sunday....OMG, how did I gain that much weight? That's IT, I'm going to be soooooo strict! This is a ridiculous cycle I've been on for a very long time.

It is time to reevaluate my relationship with food. I'm so over it controlling my life. It is time for me to take control and maintain control. This isn't to say I'm not going to mess up but I'll be danged if I am going to mess up and use it as an excuse to mess up for the rest of the week. I'm over it. I'm done with food's controlling nature. Feed to fuel. Period.

Food, you've officially lost control of me. DEAL with THAT!

Happy Sparking everyone!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYSDAY 4/14/2014 10:17PM

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SWEETLIPS 4/13/2014 10:27PM

    Be gentle with yourself. You are identifying something that will help you through this process. Be mindful to work as your budget can sustain, and do the best you can one moment at a time. For me, it is a lot of prayer and once I made changes in my diet, I have met with some positivity. One day at a time, you can do this because you want to now from within! Blessing to you!

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KRYSTL719 4/11/2014 11:26AM

    Sweetie you sure aren't alone. There are thousands of us who know exactly what you feel. It will take time to learn how tto keep that stuff away. Don't bring it in the house. I know I cant. I have a food addiction too. But if you see clearly what hour goal is AND STAY VOCAL ABOUT IT... remember you will see the benefits. Yes you will.
You know what's worse? Having a sugar and junk food addicted spouse who eats crap in my face constantly. I do. But it gets easier. He can eat it, and I get frustrated and its natural, so I let it pass, but if he leaves it lay around I eat it or immediately whip it somewhere.
Hes gotten so much better and so have I. I write my thoughts and goals daily. Its helped so much. I read lots of sp blots and success stories and it keeps me focused. Best of luck. I can help you as well as others when you need it. We all learn ourselves. :)
Keep yourself first.
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HAPPYMENOW58 4/11/2014 10:50AM

    Great blog! You are looking within and will be all the better for it! emoticon

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One of these days....

Monday, April 07, 2014

One of these days I'm going to make it to goal.
One of these days exercising is going to be a habit instead of a chore.
One of these days I'm going to walk through a mall and know that people aren't looking at me because I'm overweight.
One of these days I'm not going to be the "fat chick".
One of these days my cardiologist will say "you don't need these meds anymore".
One of these days I won't have to turn sideways to get through some rather narrow turnstiles.
One of these days I'm going to buy a pair of jeans from the junior department.
One of these days I'm going to feel comfortable enough to join a group exercise class.
One of these days I will accomplish all of the above...for the very first time....as a non-smoker!
One of these days.......

Until I hit one of those days, I'm going to keep working one day at a time.....one meal at a time....one walk at a time. Because all of these ones....turn into one of these days.

As for now...this day is successfully underway. Good food, good exercise...good day.

Happy Sparking everyone!

  
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CINDYSDAY 4/8/2014 2:43PM

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Friday - April 4

Friday, April 04, 2014

Welp, I had a super successful Thursday. When I got home from work last night my son and I walked the dogs around the block. I couldn't convince Paisley to stay behind, she'd just been spayed on Wednesday, so she trotted right along side Cyber and away we went. Unfortunately, I forgot my fitbit yesterday so I don't know how many steps I got in.

Today is going great as well. Food as follows:

Breakfast - Yoplait 100 Calorie Greek Yogurt - Tropical Fruit (YUM!!)
Snack - Strawberries and Blackberries - Can't wait until Strawberries are in season around here....counting down the days when I can go pick my own!
Lunch - Tomato, Cucumber, Radish and WW Rigatoni w/Vodka sauce....um, yum!
Snack - A WAY large apple...it's a MUTANT apple...I've never seen one so big! Sheesh, don't know if I'll be hungry for dinner.
Dinner - I'm going to make Sesame Chicken with the Campbell's Skillet Sauce. I've never had it before, I sure hope I don't ruin 2 lbs of chicken! I'm going to serve it over Angel Hair Pasta. I don't know what veggie I will make with it if I make any at all, that apple may still be lingering! LOL

I'm still at work but I'm really hoping to walk the dogs again tonight when I get home. It seems like it wants to rain, hopefully it will hold off. As it is right now I have 9,583 steps so far today. A dog walk will put me way over my 10,000 step goal. I'm so excited, I haven't met that goal in a LONG time....in fact I don't think I've met it since my heart attack. This is a huge accomplishment!

Anyway, I'm super happy it's Friday. I don't really have any plans in place for the weekend...those are the weekends I love best!

Happy Friday everyone....and happy sparking!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYSDAY 4/5/2014 9:42AM

    sounds like you are doing great!

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Well....shoot

Thursday, April 03, 2014

I got so carried away with saying I'm back that I forgot to post my progress today.

Breakfast - Yoplait 100 calorie greek yogurt
Snack - Granny Smith Apple
Lunch - Crockpot Beef Stew, Sliced Tomato, Sliced Cucumber, Radishes
Snack - Grapes/Apple
Dinner - Smartones Meal - Not sure which kind I'm going to grab out of the freezer
Snack - Some kind of ice cream(ish) bar

Exercise - 30 min walking at lunch
Will take the dogs for a walk after their dinner tonight, or at least my husky Cyber:
Because my Shichon (Shih Tzu/Bichon mix) Paisley was spayed yesterday...poor baby:


Anywhoo! Until tomorrow friends!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYSDAY 4/5/2014 9:43AM

    very cute fur babies!

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BECKYBRN 4/3/2014 10:05PM

    What a great looking husky and very cute Shichon (I hope the healing from being spayed happens quickly). Good for you that you came back and posted your progress!
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Went a different route that ended up leading me right back here

Thursday, April 03, 2014

There simply is nothing better to keep me motivated towards good health than this darned website. On the advice of a friend I decided to go a different route for the past couple of months. Look where that route brought me! Right back here, back to the basics, back to what actually worked for me. I can't WAIT to post some weight losses on here.

I have a few things working against me but I refuse to call them brick walls, they are obstacles that I need to figure out how to conquer. This is my intention. My first obstacle, I don't have the stamina I used to have since the heart attack I had in July. I have to build back up to it. It's hard to acknowledge that I can't walk for 60 straight minutes without even thinking about it.

Since the heart attack I've quit smoking (I actually quit tobacco in May of last year but used electronic cigs right up until the day of my event) so my metabolism is SHOT. It seems to be worse than a speed bump!

Because of the heart attack I'm on countless meds for my heart...three of which have side effects of weight gain. WHAT?!? Guh!

So at my last cardiologist visit I complained to him of my weight gain. He said "I'm not worried about weight gain, we'll deal with that next year, all I care about is that you don't go back to smoking". This is all well and good and almost a free pass to eat as much food as I'd like (I've been eating healthy, just way too much of healthy!) but now I feel horrible! I'm sluggish, I've never been this big and I'm OVER IT!

I'm back to tracking. I'm back to adding more and more exercise each day.

I'm back.

Until tomorrow, friends....Happy Sparking!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYSDAY 4/5/2014 9:45AM

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