Monday, May 14, 2012
I have been tracking food, exercising, and drinking water like crazy since March 19, 2012. That's 9 weeks I believe. I am really proud of myself, I quit drinking Mountain Dew (all soda), I quit eating fast food, I quit drinking mochas and other flavored coffees, I said enough to chips, dips, cookies, candies, etc. enough was enough.
I am really proud of myself for accomplishing all of that and more and as of last week had lost 30 pounds.
Then this past week I really struggled with exercise, water, food, and cravings. I didn't give into the cravings in a bad way, I didn't binge, or go crazy, I just didn't do what I normally do and it shows in my weight gain this week. Now I'm surprised that the gain is 3 pounds but it is what it is.
So at this point I have 2 choices............. I can beat myself up, give up, and quit. That's what the old me would have done, the old me who for whatever reason didn't value herself.
OR, I can take it for what it is.............. a tiny little bump in my journey and move forward. Reality is I wasn't going to have a loss every week until I reached goal, everyone has good days, bad days, it happens, life happens, the unpredictable happens, Mother's Day happens and I wouldn't trade my home made french toast (made by my 13 year old) for anything.
I'll take the 3 pound gain, take the mistakes I made this past week, and use those things to motivate me to get right back on track. I will drink and track my water, I will track my exercise, and I will track all of my food!
I'm not giving up this time because every time I gave up in the past the only person I was hurting was myself, and it's time to stop hurting me.
It is what it is and I start fresh right now!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Why did I let my health get so bad? Why did I let myself get so heavy? I have my excuses, depression, hypothyrodisim, boyfriend's accident, feeling sorry for myself, and the list goes on and on. The result of all of it. Horrible foot pain, horrible knee pain, hip pain, lower back pain and those are just physical, there's no point in listing the emotional pain.
Maybe the title of this shouldn't be why, maybe it should be what................... as in what am I going to do to fix these issues. Change my attitude first! No more excuses. I am too young to have all these problems, my girls are too young to have a mom that can't participate in their lives.
I'm on meds for depression, high blood pressure, and thyroid. I want off the blood pressure medicine, that's one of my goals.
I have seen doctors for my feet and knees and along with eating better and exercising I am doing everything the doctors recommend.
It's easy to sit back and ask myself why, to go through all the things that have happened, and how terrible things were, but what's the point? As my dad always says "this is the first day of the rest of your life" so today I am going to drink my water, track my food, exercise, and look forward to what the day has to offer.
It's going to be a good day!
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
How could I forget that yesterday was the two year anniversary of my boyfriend's accident?
Probably because everything is no longer a crisis, there aren't doctor's appointments every week, there are no more surgeries, thank you God! for seeing us through.
I am sad that he lives in an assisted living facility and the kids and I live in our home. I am sad that our lives don't connect the way I think they should. I'm sad for all he lost, for all I lost, for all we lost as a couple, for what all 3 kids lost.
I am ready to move forward, get back out into the world, doing things, go places, enjoy the weather and the great city we live in but he's not. And it makes me sad to realize that he may never be ready. It makes me sad because I know that the kids and I will go on and he won't be there to enjoy it with us, to be part of the memories. It's his loss though and I can't hold myself back any longer. If I am ready and he's not, I still have to move forward.
The best thing I can do is take care of myself so I can be good for the kids and strong for him, strong for myself most importantly.
Friday, May 20, 2011
I have been extremely stressed, exhausted, emotional, angry, sad, over the top, crying, just all over the place and I have been getting migraines.
I am not happy with myself, not happy with my relationship, not happy with anything.
I have started falling back into old habits such as not wanting to go anywhere, wanting to stay in bed, spending too much time on the computer, too much time watching televisions, not enjoying this beautiful weather.
I haven't exercised, I haven't tracked my food, I don't even know if I've eaten fruits or vegetables recently.
Last night after having eaten Panda Express and realizing I didn't taste any of the food, I didn't enjoy any of the food, I ate while on the computer, shoveled it all in I went to bed full and miserable.
Then I started putting the puzzle together of the last few weeks and things became very clear to me.
I am on several meds for depression and hypothyroidism. I ran out of one of my antidepressants and didn't get it refilled because I felt good and thought I was doing fine.
I called my doctor this morning and have an appointment on Tuesday to get back on my meds, get my head straight, get back to my exercising and eating right, reduce my stress levels, start being a good mom again, etc. this has been painful and difficult and makes me want to give up!
I just wish I could handle life on my own, I wish my head was ok, I wish I could do this without medication. I can't keep it together without medication. Really?
Depression is an illness and I know that and some illnesses have to be treated with medication. There is no shame in depression, no shame in taking medicine, no shame in asking for help, no shame in admitting I can't do this without help.
I guess I just wanted to be normal but I then I think HA what is normal? and normal for who?
I am an emotional eater and if I didn't know it before, everything that has happened in the past two weeks proves it. I just cram it in and don't even taste it. Sadly it doesn't make anything better. I'll pull it together. I'll get back on track. I'll be ok.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
since my boyfriend's motorcycle accident. One year ago today at 11:38 a.m. I got the call that he had crashed and was hurt and to get to Seattle ASAP. I remember everything about that day as if it happened yesterday. Thankfully as I scrambled to find babysitters and notify his brother I didn't know how badly he was hurt or even what had really happened. I was able to drive in heavy traffic without freaking out, being upset etc. I remember I didn't even pack medications, clothes, etc. I thought maybe he had a broken leg and we would go home that night.
Little did I know what I would be faced with, what he would be faced with, and our poor children. It's been a year of celebrations, heartbreak, disappointments, setbacks, healing, learning, more praying than I've ever done, a year of discovery. The longest, hardest, most exhausting year of my life. And that's just me.......
My poor boyfriend, tall, strong, healthy, active, loved to work, loved to ride, loved to keep busy and now he's making a monumental comeback but active, work, riding, busy are not part of life anymore. My heart aches for him as I watch him struggle, as I watch him succeed, as I watch him heal, and all with the loss of vision that he had for 49 years. I can't even imagine. The last thing he saw was the doctors and nurses in the ER and when he woke up 8 days later he couldn't see.
His mother passed away, all three of our girls turned a year older, holidays, his birthday, my birthday, 10 months in a nursing home (we appreciate everyone calling it rehab but we knew). So many surgeries, so many trips to the hospital, so much medicine, it's overwhelming at times, it's exhausting, but everyday I am thankful that he lived. God watched over him and he lived.
So now we move into our second year of recovery. We hope all his surgeries are done. He is home. He is using a walker. His hands are working again. The miracle of all is he has both legs, both feet (they wanted to amputate both legs below the knee the day after the accident. I wouldn't let them.
I know he thinks of all he can't do.
I remember this day one year ago and what he looked like when I walked into his room in the ICU. I remember May 3, 2010 when I thought he was going to die right there in front of me. So all I can think about is all he CAN do.
This has changed our lives forever. So many lives were changed that day. I can't even imagine what the riders who saw him go over the guardrail are dealing with even to this day.
Tomorrow is a new day. It's the first day of the rest of our lives. It's a gift from God.
I have struggled and struggled to find myself in all of this. So strong and encouraging for everyone else but still can't seem to take care of myself.
Tomorrow is a new day.
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