Thursday, November 18, 2010
. Who used to be your superhero when you were a child?
I don't recall having one. The only superheros I remember were Superman and Mighty Mouse, and I didn't like either one of them.
2. Most hated chore on the chore list?
Unloading the dishwasher.
3. If you were to start your own restaurant, what would it be called?
4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Betsey Johnson perfume.
5. If you had to only eat three things for the rest of your life, day in and day out, what would they be?
Apples, potatoes and coffee.
6. What are you listening to right now?
Nothing - I'm not a big radio or tv person. But when I"m doing housework, I like NPR.
7. What's the last sporting event you watched?
In person? My daughter's rugby game (they were State Champs!)
8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
Yesterday - where I live, pretty much anything is out of town.
9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Nah. It'll come out on the television soon enough, or my other daughter can Torrent it for me.
10. What was the last thing you had to drink?
11. Last food that you ate?
Oatmeal. (Goodness, my life is exciting!)
12. If you were a time traveler and could only go back in time or forward in time, which would you choose?
13. If you could tell your best friend one thing that you canít stand about him/her what would it be?
To stop talking occasionally so other people can slide a word in edgewise! (But I love her anyway.)
14. If you were to be famous what would you like to be known for?
Writing well and being kind.
15. What does your last text message say?
"The weather here is lousy - you still coming here today to finish the siding, or waiting til tomorrow?"
16. How early do you start holiday shopping?
When the mood strikes, which can be anywhere from June to December, or when I see a perfect thing for someone, which I invariably lose by the time the holidays roll around..
17. If you wrote a movie, what would the title be?
18. When did you first realize you needed to change your lifestyle food-wise?
I was raised to eat properly, so I didn't have so much of an epiphany as just realizing I needed to quit the nonsense. And I realize this approximately once a week.
19. What color ink do you prefer to write with?
Black. Medium for writing, fine for puzzles and drawing.
20. What was your favorite toy as a child?
The outside world - we lived in what was then the country (Now it's a suburb of Philadelphia.) Indoors, I liked jigsaw puzzles, and I still do! I even collect wooden ones.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Win: the sunroom, which was added to the house two years ago (more or less) will finally be sided by tomorrow - all the windows closed in, soffits added, all that good stuff. Oh, and I put a door in the frame to the the back stairs, so the cold air from the second floor storage will stop wailing down into the kitchen. I have a big door to add to the front of the house, to seal out the cold there, and Paul (the most recent workman) is bringing a storm/screen combo door to put over the kitchen door, which will, I hope, prevent the little snowdrifts from forming against the kitchen wall when it's windy.
Lose: it's costing twice what the estimate was, and taking twice as long, and it still isn't heated properly (or at all.) That project is yet to be completed, but the plan is to run water heater registers around the baseboards on two walls - should be enough, and not a big project. I just hope we get it done before winter. Something else I hope we get finished is cutting wood for the outside furnace. Oh, and one more thing: I fell over the porch (don't ask) and smacked up my body pretty badly. I suspect tomorrow morning is going to consist of lots of surprise pain and bruising. I don't think anything's broken, but we'll know for sure tomorrow. (You ever notice how everything hurts worse if you're injured because you've been stupid?)
Goals: I've realized that above all else, what I really want is to have the house and the grounds cleaned up and ready for winter. Seriously. I can't stand living in this chaos. Even my Getting Healthy goals are taking a back seat to these projects. The good part is that all this cleaning up and working is using lots of calories and certainly has to count as exercise (and if it doesn't, don't tell me.)
Indecision...I have about 3/4 of an inch of grey roots. To dye my hair, or let it grow out grey? The country woman/hippie part of me says to let nature take its course; the part of me that grew up in a big city and still wants to look good (or as good as I can at this age and weight) says for goodness sakes, dye, pluck and do whatever else we can think of. When I was an extremely buff landscaper, I still wore make-up to work - hey, why not look your best? I can't decide if giving all that up is a healthy moving on or an unhealthy throwing in of the towel.
Friday, November 12, 2010
I don't really know where to begin, and this being at a loss for words is new for me - as anyone who's read my longer-than-the-blog comments knows.
My husband had more than his share of health challenges but no one expected him to die, least of all, me. Nevertheless, die he did, and I'm still trying to figure out how to proceed from here. It looks like I'm going to be a hay farmer, at least for the time being, since he bought all this.... stuff... with that goal in mind. I don't even know what half of it is - some of the things look more like a cross between a carnival ride and a helicopter crash than actual farm equipment.
Money disasters? Nah, you don't want to hear about them. Everybody's got a money disaster story this year, and some are a lot more interesting than mine.
My house is pretty much destroyed. I spent all of August and September caring for my husband, frequently in hospitals far from home, and October and November being Stuck. I finally figured out that the reason I was Stuck is because some part of me thought that if nothing changed at all, if nobody moved, then maybe time would somehow stand still and I'd get John back. Since that obviously isn't going to happen, now I need to dig in and get the mess cleaned up - not just his things, but the living room and the laundry room and you name it, it's a colossal disaster.
One of the rooms I couldn't bring myself to go into was the kitchen. Cooking and eating together were things John and I enjoyed doing, and doing it alone seemed wrong and just too sad. So I lived on apples with cheese or peanut butter (apple tree out back), microwave popcorn, takeout and Scotch. And I didn't move. For six weeks.
So, somewhere between July and now, I gained ten pounds.
I'm beginning to UnStick. I've taken walks every day recently and have begun to sort through the two laundry baskets full of mail and paperwork. I bought some vegetables. I have good days and bad days, and I don't push myself too hard but I am beginning to push a little bit - I'm afraid if I don't, I'll stick in the quagmire forever.
And I'm starting over, six pounds heavier than when I first started here almost a year ago.
I'm opening a new chapter in my life - new in almost every way, with no husband, no kids at home, no set path - and I'm interested to see what will happen next
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Safely home from our trip (although we took one of my daughter's, "This way is only a *little* bit longer and looks like it's so much nicer" routes, so a ~ 6 hour trip was accomplished in only eight hours....)
Daughter #1 and I had a lovely visit with Daughter #2 in Pittsburgh, PA. It was absolutely wonderful to be away from home and every single pressure therein, from grief to firewood. We ate fattening and expensive food, went through the Phipps Conservatory - huge interconnected greenhouse sorts of things with all different plant collections studded with unbelievable Chihuly glasswork here and there - went t a couple thrift stores (I bought a dark blue cashmere 1940s-50s swing coat for $45!), went to a great funny play, and in general hung out and laughed and relaxed. It was tough to leave, although another couple nights on that sofa may well have done me in entirely. We'll all be together again in only a month for Thanksgiving - we're going to do that in Pittsburgh as well.
It was wonderful to come home and see all the lovely supportive comments left for me by my friends here. You all have really been a great help to me, and a great comfort as well.
One day soon I'll be reworking my SparkPage here completely (by my own instinct, as well as SP majority rule, I'm keeping the Scooter name for now). I'm ready to start living more healthfully and finding out where the new paths lead.
And on that note, I'm crawling into bed for a good night's sleep!
Friday, October 22, 2010
(although, honestly, I was better overall until I looked out the window this morning and discovered the world was all covered with cold white stuff.)
I make little daily forays into normalcy, taking care of all the regular stuff and dealing, somewhat gingerly, with the more difficult things. For those of you who lift weights, and lift heavy, you know how the first four or five lifts go easily, then the next one, the form is a little off or you don't get the full range of motion? Doing emotionally difficult tasks, like cleaning out his drawers and closets, is like that for me. I can do literally a few minutes work at it, then it becomes minutely more difficult, so I stop and go busy myself with something else.
I also have to be careful doing mindless things like washing dishes, because my mind, if not directed, tends to dwell on sad or unpleasant images, (maybe it's part of the chronic depression thing, just magnified - I'm not sure) so I drag my computer into the kitchen and stream Food Channel or NPR or something.
But overall, I can feel myself edging back into what passes for normal. Rather like when one has been through a long illness, I do a little bit more each day, allowing for setbacks and days I can't budge off the sofa.
Mostly, though, I've gotten out of that period where spontaneous misery lurks, and things are looking better. At least early in the day. At night all bets are off, so I tend to go to bed even earlier than I usually might (like, *cough* 7:30.)
Grief is as much a time of self-discovery as anything else I've ever experienced - you just have to be brave and listen to what it's telling you about yourself and your life. And as you learn, the pain ebbs.
I've also discovered that, as awful as this may sound, I can work the Recent Widowhood thing to my advantage. Phone bill late? "My husband used to take care of these things for me [a blatant lie] but now that he's gone...*sniffle*..." and the phone company falls all over itself accepting my payment without even imposing late fees.
Today Daughter #1 and I are off to visit daughter #2 for a couple days, returning her car - with its new transmission - and generally goofing off. Dogs will be groomed while we're gone, which is always a treat to come home to.
And I sincerely hope that all that white stuff is gone by then. It's coming soon to stay, I know, but I'm just not into Dreaming of a White Halloween.
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