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Summary and ... other stuff. New beginning.

Friday, November 12, 2010


I don't really know where to begin, and this being at a loss for words is new for me - as anyone who's read my longer-than-the-blog comments knows.

My husband had more than his share of health challenges but no one expected him to die, least of all, me. Nevertheless, die he did, and I'm still trying to figure out how to proceed from here. It looks like I'm going to be a hay farmer, at least for the time being, since he bought all this.... stuff... with that goal in mind. I don't even know what half of it is - some of the things look more like a cross between a carnival ride and a helicopter crash than actual farm equipment.

Money disasters? Nah, you don't want to hear about them. Everybody's got a money disaster story this year, and some are a lot more interesting than mine.

My house is pretty much destroyed. I spent all of August and September caring for my husband, frequently in hospitals far from home, and October and November being Stuck. I finally figured out that the reason I was Stuck is because some part of me thought that if nothing changed at all, if nobody moved, then maybe time would somehow stand still and I'd get John back. Since that obviously isn't going to happen, now I need to dig in and get the mess cleaned up - not just his things, but the living room and the laundry room and you name it, it's a colossal disaster.

One of the rooms I couldn't bring myself to go into was the kitchen. Cooking and eating together were things John and I enjoyed doing, and doing it alone seemed wrong and just too sad. So I lived on apples with cheese or peanut butter (apple tree out back), microwave popcorn, takeout and Scotch. And I didn't move. For six weeks.

So, somewhere between July and now, I gained ten pounds.

I'm beginning to UnStick. I've taken walks every day recently and have begun to sort through the two laundry baskets full of mail and paperwork. I bought some vegetables. I have good days and bad days, and I don't push myself too hard but I am beginning to push a little bit - I'm afraid if I don't, I'll stick in the quagmire forever.

And I'm starting over, six pounds heavier than when I first started here almost a year ago.

I'm opening a new chapter in my life - new in almost every way, with no husband, no kids at home, no set path - and I'm interested to see what will happen next



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

A10TIVTRTL 12/18/2010 9:39AM

    Hippichick is right - don't even think about your weight right now. Keep moving and keep unsticking and yes, any female friends that might help would be a good idea - except JaneDoe, you can leave that comfort food at home! I'd like to for-real live on that road with you, too, Scooter - but at least we do get to connect on Spark Street.

My husband just lost his best friend to an aneursym and he is devastated and depressed. Reading what you said about your own stuck time has helped me understand a little better what he is going through, so thank you for sharing your story.

Take care of yourself, take care of yourself, take care of yourself.

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UUCEEJAY 12/4/2010 7:11PM

    emoticon One day at a time. Give yourself a lot of pats on the back for every little thing you manage to do. Baby steps will lead to bigger steps.

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/15/2010 11:45PM

    You have come long way and are starting a new life. We will be here to help in any way we can.

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ENUFF81020 11/15/2010 12:12AM

    Hi there,
I'm late in getting here--but I want to express my sheer awe at your understanding of your feelings and needs and the way you share them. I love the names "Stuck" and "Unstuck." It seems as if you are ready to move on again, starting out gently, but going where you need to go. You have had a lot of activity in your life recently with the illnesses and hospital and John's death--but now, things are slowing down and giving you a chance to put your stamp on things again. As I read this, I believe that you are on your way and all that you need is a bit of help from your friends. Take advantage of any offers you get and don't be afraid to hint or to flat out ask for help. Most people are waiting to be asked, so go for it, with jobs that are too big or too much for you to handle on your own. If you want company, get some and if you want to be alone, do that. You are getting unstuck and you are finding your way. Keep it up!!

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HHOUSE8 11/14/2010 7:20AM

    I followed Hippichick here and am moved by how real and true you write. Sorry for your loss and all that entails. It seems that though this is a massively challenging time, it is the beginning of something....a new life of sorts. There's hope in here. You are awake, aware, reaching out, staying conscious. Remember to forgive yourself when you forget. I'm with hippichick - Call in the troops! I find that people WANT to help each other, we mostly never know what to do though. The more you can muster up the gumption to ask for help, the sooner the path will reveal itself to you.

Take good care....
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PAULA3420 11/13/2010 11:06PM

    I'm sorry I haven't been around much to give my support. Have been missing you and as I read your blog, I saw your determination and inner strength shine through and growing stronger with each step you took.

Do you have friends and/or family that can come and help support you as you get Unstuck?? I know there have been times when I needed and cherished the help from others. If it be for you, I wish it for you.

And, I so agree, the weight will fall off as you move. If, I can ever do anything for you, Please just Shout. emoticon

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STARLASUE 11/13/2010 5:24PM

    emoticon

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HIPPICHICK1 11/13/2010 10:24AM

    It's so nice to see you here on Spark and blogging. I'd been thinking about you lately and wondering how you were.

I'm happy to hear that you have chosen to get UnStuck.

May I offer you a suggestion? Call in "the troops." Call in your women friends and get them to help you with all the tasks that are too much for you alone, whether it is doing laundry, cooking a meal or packing up stuff that needs to go. Accept all the help you can get. Then ask the Universe to send you someone to help you with the farming. Don't worry that you can't afford to hire someone. You didn't ask the Universe to send you an employee, you asked for help. Help is free. So ask.

Don't worry about your weight right now. It simply isn't as important as getting UnStuck plus it will probably just drop off of you because you have made a choice to eat well again and walk.

I honestly wish I lived close by, then I could come and cook you dinner and have a scotch with you and give you a hug too.

Lots of emoticon emoticon

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CINDYC53 11/13/2010 2:36AM

    So nice to click on your page tonight to check in on you and read this blog. We're all here for you, cheering you on, or just being present if you feel like talking.
I agree with the advice to take care of yourself, in a loving & gentle way. Hopefully that will help with the unsticking.
I liked reading in your last blog about your trip & time with your daughters. When I went through a very sad divorce 10 years ago, my grown daughter was my greatest friend & refuge. I'm glad you have two to lean on.
I'm going to bed - but sending you love & warmest thoughts.
Cindy

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SUZYMOBILE 11/12/2010 8:55PM

    It makes my heart warm that you're beginning to "unstick"! It reminds me of the exercises I'm doing now, for a frozen shoulder. I have to stretch to the edge of pain if I'm going to be able to move my arm normally again. It hurts to stretch that way, but I feel the circulation and the free movement coming back. I'm so happy that's happening to you, too!

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JANEDOE12345 11/12/2010 5:21PM

    Can we please move to the same road? I would so love to come to your house and hang out. I'll bring the comfort foods!

I am glad to see you back. Other people beat me to it and said it more eloquently, so -- what they said.
Pam
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SLIMMERKIWI 11/12/2010 4:00PM

    My Dr has on occasion said that sometimes weigtloss attempts take a back seat to what is going on. I am sure that your husband's death would most certainly fit into that category! If apple and peanut butter was all you felt like eating - so what? You were eating!

You are working things out really well - you are obviously a very strong woman with a good brain capable of nutting things out. Things WILL start to come together (they are already), and you will continue on and your husband would be very proud of you :-)

Kris

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JRSWHIMSY 11/12/2010 3:46PM

    I'm really glad to hear from you again, I frequently think of you and wonder how you're doing. One day at a time, one minute at a time, one peanut butter covered apple at a time. Weight comes and goes, you've lost something more tragic. I'm glad you're moving again *hugs*

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BETHGILLIGAN 11/12/2010 3:25PM

    I love reading this blog! And, I love that you are "unsticking"! You are such a brave woman. You have amazed me in so many ways as I've followed your blogs. I hope you have a good support group. You continue in my prayers as you embark on your new life.

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SHERYLDS 11/12/2010 3:17PM

    We missed you....WELCOME BACK emoticon

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PENNYAN45 11/12/2010 1:53PM

    It is good to hear from you again. I'm so glad you're back - and writing a blog. You have been dealing with a lot in your life, and I would say that 10 pounds is the least of it. I wish you well as you begin to take the next steps to get some order back in your house -- and in your life. You are so wise to go easy on yourself and just take things as they come.

I hope you will take really good care of yourself in the days and weeks ahead.


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Home again, home again, jiggedy etc.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Safely home from our trip (although we took one of my daughter's, "This way is only a *little* bit longer and looks like it's so much nicer" routes, so a ~ 6 hour trip was accomplished in only eight hours....)

Daughter #1 and I had a lovely visit with Daughter #2 in Pittsburgh, PA. It was absolutely wonderful to be away from home and every single pressure therein, from grief to firewood. We ate fattening and expensive food, went through the Phipps Conservatory - huge interconnected greenhouse sorts of things with all different plant collections studded with unbelievable Chihuly glasswork here and there - went t a couple thrift stores (I bought a dark blue cashmere 1940s-50s swing coat for $45!), went to a great funny play, and in general hung out and laughed and relaxed. It was tough to leave, although another couple nights on that sofa may well have done me in entirely. We'll all be together again in only a month for Thanksgiving - we're going to do that in Pittsburgh as well.

It was wonderful to come home and see all the lovely supportive comments left for me by my friends here. You all have really been a great help to me, and a great comfort as well.

One day soon I'll be reworking my SparkPage here completely (by my own instinct, as well as SP majority rule, I'm keeping the Scooter name for now). I'm ready to start living more healthfully and finding out where the new paths lead.

And on that note, I'm crawling into bed for a good night's sleep!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PENNYAN45 10/30/2010 11:02PM

    Welcome home! I am happy that your visit with your daughters was a good time for you.

Thinking of you and wishing you well!

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DANCINGGARDENER 10/29/2010 6:07PM

    Welcome home... you make me all mushy just thinking about how much I look up to you - you are so gosh darn amazing.

Sorry, I know it sucks to be an inspiration but, eh, whatcha gonna do?

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MORTICIAADDAMS 10/27/2010 4:32PM

    It sounds like you had a nice visit. I like scenic routes too even if they are longer. LOL. The conservatory sounded wonderful. I am anxious to see what your new sparkpage will be like. emoticon

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SUZYMOBILE 10/27/2010 9:09AM

    We're with you on your journey! You never do know what will come, but I have a feeling it will be good.

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BETHGILLIGAN 10/27/2010 8:40AM

    So glad you had such a good time with the daughters!! You sound good, healthy. You have a lot on your plate but it seems some get aways do you a world of good!!!

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STARLASUE 10/27/2010 6:26AM

    Glad you had a good time away. A nice respite from it all. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WONDERFUL2BME 10/27/2010 12:22AM

    I am so glad you visited with your daughters. After I found out about my loss, I went to Hawaii with my oldest daughter, son in law, and 2 grandchildren. I was the best thing I could've done. I was able to realize how much I have in my children. I have 5 grown kids and 5 grandkids so plenty of people around.

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HIPPICHICK1 10/26/2010 9:55PM

    You are an inspiration to me! You have such courage as I've never seen before. I'm so happy to hear that your trip went well and was fun and relaxing.
Welcome Home!
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Doing pretty well here

Friday, October 22, 2010

(although, honestly, I was better overall until I looked out the window this morning and discovered the world was all covered with cold white stuff.)

I make little daily forays into normalcy, taking care of all the regular stuff and dealing, somewhat gingerly, with the more difficult things. For those of you who lift weights, and lift heavy, you know how the first four or five lifts go easily, then the next one, the form is a little off or you don't get the full range of motion? Doing emotionally difficult tasks, like cleaning out his drawers and closets, is like that for me. I can do literally a few minutes work at it, then it becomes minutely more difficult, so I stop and go busy myself with something else.

I also have to be careful doing mindless things like washing dishes, because my mind, if not directed, tends to dwell on sad or unpleasant images, (maybe it's part of the chronic depression thing, just magnified - I'm not sure) so I drag my computer into the kitchen and stream Food Channel or NPR or something.

But overall, I can feel myself edging back into what passes for normal. Rather like when one has been through a long illness, I do a little bit more each day, allowing for setbacks and days I can't budge off the sofa.

Mostly, though, I've gotten out of that period where spontaneous misery lurks, and things are looking better. At least early in the day. At night all bets are off, so I tend to go to bed even earlier than I usually might (like, *cough* 7:30.)

Grief is as much a time of self-discovery as anything else I've ever experienced - you just have to be brave and listen to what it's telling you about yourself and your life. And as you learn, the pain ebbs.

I've also discovered that, as awful as this may sound, I can work the Recent Widowhood thing to my advantage. Phone bill late? "My husband used to take care of these things for me [a blatant lie] but now that he's gone...*sniffle*..." and the phone company falls all over itself accepting my payment without even imposing late fees.

Today Daughter #1 and I are off to visit daughter #2 for a couple days, returning her car - with its new transmission - and generally goofing off. Dogs will be groomed while we're gone, which is always a treat to come home to.

And I sincerely hope that all that white stuff is gone by then. It's coming soon to stay, I know, but I'm just not into Dreaming of a White Halloween.



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WONDERFUL2BME 10/24/2010 3:54AM

    Something that helps me while I'm working around the house organizing and such is to listen to audio books on my ipod.

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ENUFF81020 10/23/2010 12:40PM

    There are so many wonderful things in this blog--I particularly like the parts where you are giving yourself permission to have whatever feelings that you have. That is perfect for all of us, but particularly necessary in your life right now.
I can imagine that going through John's things brings a flood of feelings and memories to you. We all have our own "things" that are connected to each of us and do identify us as well. Those things are an extension of who we are and while they can be dear, they will open those floodgates of painful feelings.
As for the snow, I am so with you--I'm not sure I want it for christmas anymore. It is simply not right to have it for Halloween. enjoy your time with your daughters. Take care of yourself!
Sylvia

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SUZYMOBILE 10/23/2010 10:02AM

    I am so amazed and impressed by your journey of self-discovery! I always figured you were an amazing woman. Now I know it! (Love the "recent widow" ploy, too! I may try it just for the hell of it.)

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SLIMMERKIWI 10/22/2010 7:02PM

    I am really pleased that you are able to think things through properly. I really LOVED your comment about taking advantage of "widowhood" - I have done that myself but different scenarios! I actually believe that it helps us to be "normal" when we can think like that :-)

Take care,
Kris xx

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DANCINGGARDENER 10/22/2010 6:26PM

    Hey....
So glad to hear that you are getting back on top of things. Normal can be so luxurious can't it?

Remember, form over load. As soon as you feel your form slipping, put down the burden and walk away. It'll all "weight" for you.

And remember, rest between reps is essential.
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You'll be okay... the fact that you are listening for lessons through the pain guarantees it.

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(drive safe)

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JANEDOE12345 10/22/2010 6:03PM

    emoticon

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MORTICIAADDAMS 10/22/2010 2:56PM

    You sound stronger every day. You are getting things done and able to cope better.

It's too soon for snow.

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HIPPICHICK1 10/22/2010 11:58AM

    Glad to hear how you are doing. Keeping your mind occupied with "happy thoughts" does indeed sound difficult. Grief is one of those things we will all experience over and over in our lives. But would we ever not love again to save ourselves from future grief? Nope. Probably not. So tis the circle of life.
Safe travels, my dear one.
P.S. We had a little snow last night too! All gone now, but the rains are coming.

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SHERYLDS 10/22/2010 11:26AM

    emoticon thinking of you.

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STARLASUE 10/22/2010 10:07AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BETHGILLIGAN 10/22/2010 9:16AM

    Wow! Your strength amazes me!! It sounds like you are moving along--I think setbacks with days on the sofa is so normal. I don't know you but I feel so proud of you; I admire you. I love your insight that grief is about understanding/discovering ourselves. So true but had never thought of it that way. Take care of yourself!! Have a good weekend.

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Clarification

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Okay, yeah, that all sounded a little melodramatic yesterday when I said it. I didn't mean so much, "I have no future at all now! *sob*", as simply that what we'd planned isn't going to work out and I have to chart a new course, for which I as yet have absolutely no plan. It's more along the lines of the Reinhart School of Had I But Known...

I have no idea about grief support groups, but I've never been much of a group type person - never even liked Weight Watchers. I trust myself to get through this, like I've gotten through other tough times. I'm getting tired of all the crying - as I mentioned to someone here- and I can just imagine how tiresome it must be for the poor folks around me.

The Hospice people haven't been in touch in a little while and that's fine. I have the cremains (love the word) here now and we're not planning any sort of service, at least at the moment. Stuff - little stuff especially, to which I've always been particularly vulnerable - catches me off-guard now and again and I choke up, but all and all Im trying to look forward rather than backward, tie up loose ends (who knew there would be so many?) and move on. Unsteadily, maybe a little crookedly, but on.

The first couple days I relied on a loose mix of Xanax, AppleJack, and Subway, but I've cut those either down or out - besides, if I don't start cooking daily soon, I'm going to drown in CSA potatoes and baby eggplants. And we can't have that. Somewhere around here I've got a great recipe for an eggplant/apple casserole, which is perfect for these fall nights.

As I recall, some terribly clever person pointed out that the only certainty was change. Nothing like getting whacked in the head with an aphorism to get your focus back to where it should be.

I am thinking of changing my name here. Scooter was my husband's nickname for me, and it makes me unnecessarily sad to see it, so I think I'll change it .... only I have no idea what to change it to. Any suggestions? And remember, this is a family newspaper.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 10/22/2010 2:22PM

    Everyone has their own way of grieving that works for them. You are doing fine. If you change your name be sure and send me an email with the new one.

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ENUFF81020 10/22/2010 4:24AM

    I'd like to suggest that you do whatever feels best--and if you aren't sure, hang on--those answers come in that magical, powerful and almost mythological thing called time. We seem to rely on it for so much, but as you have pointed out in telling John's story, we have no control over time or in how much we have or in how it plays out. You have earned the right to do anything that you wish though--change your name if you'd like--and change it again and again, if you so desire. Wait if you'd prefer or keep it the same if it feels familiar and secure. There are no rules and no "rights" or "wrongs" to this, which adds to the difficulty and the enormity of your situation. However, you are here on SP and you are among old friends and new people who wouldn't know you if it weren't for your story. I am so impressed with your matter-or-fact nature and ability to continue with everyday things like paying the electric bill. You have a gift and I hope that when the time is right that you will be able to appreciate it and celebrate it.
Gentle hugs,
Sylvia

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SUZYMOBILE 10/16/2010 8:54AM

    I agree with whomever said it sounds like you're going through a very natural and healthy state of grieving. To be honest, I hadn't checked in on you because I thought you might have figuratively pulled the covers up around your ears and just stayed in bed for the past weeks. I think that's what I'd do! You are a strong, smart woman, though, and I have no doubt that you're going to discover, slowly, who you really are and what your own definition of the future might be. emoticon emoticon

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GRAMMIE1959 10/14/2010 10:56PM

    I have nothing wise to say so I will just send my very biggest spark hug to you.
Vivian
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DANCINGGARDENER 10/14/2010 9:46PM

    I have always thought user names were such an interesting concept of modern life... normally our parents, or our lovers, or our community, or even our children name us.

Out here on the internet we are asked to name ourselves.

I've used DancingGardener online since before there was a world wide web (seriously, I've been on the internet since before there were web pages and email) In ways, I am more DancingGardener than I am any other name because it is MY name for MYself.

I respect your wanting to name yourself. Self-naming can be big. I can understand getting a little distance from John's nick name for you. I don't know what you want to name yourself but I am pretty sure it comes from somewhere inside you and that all we can do is suggest names that right true to you....

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JRSWHIMSY 10/14/2010 5:57PM

    Xanax laced AppleJacks... Do they have those at King Soopers? That would be such a comfort before a long day... Or after one...

Carefully not to trip over the loose ends ;o)

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WONDERFUL2BME 10/14/2010 4:05PM

    Feel all the love coming your way. I agree that the name scooter could be a comfort in the long run. My brother in law is called scooter by my sister and he has the owl as his totem or signia. It caught my attention. You are doing the right thing. I have had tremendous loss in the last year and have started coming up for air. Just when I thing "okay I am handling this great" I end up having another melt down and that is normal. What you are experincing is normal. Just remember that and it will help.

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SHERYLDS 10/14/2010 10:00AM

    I like HIPPICHICK1 suggestion.
I would make it Lady_Phoenix emoticon

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HIPPICHICK1 10/14/2010 9:17AM

    Phoenix. You are a Phoenix rising from the ashes.
Lots of love and hugs.
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STARLASUE 10/14/2010 8:56AM

    I am sure seeing "Scooter" hurts now, but there may be comfort in keeping it - for a while - it may not feel that way today, but soon. John is only a thought away in your heart. And there he still calls you "Scooter". It is not the same as having him nearby to touch, to hold, to plan with and grow old with. But he is near and no matter where your future meanders, he is in your heart and soul; he is with you. The bittersweet endearments that bring pain today will bring soft rememberances later.

Change it if you must, but consider it well first... You are still his 'Scooter' even if he has slipped into the next part of his journey.

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BETHGILLIGAN 10/14/2010 8:27AM

    It sounds like you are grieving in your own way which is healthy. I don't think it's a straight road and you will have setbacks, good days, bad days but it is all normal and healthy. We are here for you. If you are not comfortable with a group setting, don't discount a counselor or clergy if you feel you are getting "stuck" in the grief cycle. You sound healthy and strong to me! You continue to be in my prayers.

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SLIMMERKIWI 10/14/2010 4:08AM

    It actually sounds like you are going throug a healthy form of grieving and realisations. When my Mother-in-Law who lived with us died, Hospice offered me grief counselling if I needed it (I was VERY close to my MIL) - I chose not to because for me, grief and death is a natural part of life. It was offered on a one-to-one basis if need be! You have become a farmer in your own right now - what about something along those lines - how about "HAY_FARMER"

Kris

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I figured something out

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

(I actually came over to the computer to pay my electric bill, but got distracted and here I am.)

I keep trying to compare this to when my mother died two years ago, and this morning I understood the difference: when a parent dies and you clean out the house and put everything away, you are essentially letting go of your past. It was over anyway, of course, and you're just dealing with the tangible reminders of it.

When your husband dies, you have to let go of the future that the two of you had planned together. I know there never were any guarantees, but you automatically count on certain things, and giving them up is hard, hard. The past is still defined, but the future you "knew" is gone and there are no guidelines for a new one - it just feels like no future at all.

I know that's not right, that there will be a future of what I make it and all that - I honestly do acknowledge the truth of that - but putting one foot in front of the other and walking alone into the completely open future doesn't feel like liberation and possibilities. Not yet anyway. Maybe someday.

Now for that electric bill.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 10/22/2010 2:11PM

    I lost my fiancee when I was a young girl so I know about losing the future and making a new one. You are a very wise woman.

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ENUFF81020 10/22/2010 4:14AM

    Hi there,
This is not a time for focusing on the "future" or "moving on," but a time for you to grieve and reflect and think and cry and maybe laugh a bit as well. People need all of the emotions that we are capable of and we need that gift of time. Answers and decisions will occur when you are ready, There is no formula for this and no "pat answer" for any of these questions. I know that adds to the intensity and the difficulty that you are experiencing. Please know that there are a lot of people--like me, who don't really know you but who have become aware of your story and who care about what happens to you now and in that "future" you mentioned. I think you are thoughtful and honest and those resources will help you a great deal. I have prayed for you tonight and I offering my hand, shoulder and anything else that might help you if you need it. Take care of yourself. Sylvia


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HIPPICHICK1 10/14/2010 9:23AM

    The future in only a concept. All that any of us really possess is the present.

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STARLASUE 10/14/2010 8:48AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLIMMERKIWI 10/14/2010 2:49AM

    I, too, can understand the uncertainty of the future! Is there any reason that at least SOME of those dreams that you and your husband had together can't be achieved?

Did you ever see the movie Titanic? Rose and Jack had planned to do all of these things together, but he died? Well, Rose went ahead and achieved them all, it's just that he wasn't there in person, but he was in spirit! The same with your John!

Hospice will be there to help you if you feel that you need some help at this time! They aren't JUST for the terminally ill - they support the family holistically, including AFTER the sick person has passed on! Have a wee think about it!

Take care,
Kris xx



Comment edited on: 10/14/2010 2:52:07 AM

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WONDERFUL2BME 10/13/2010 6:43PM

    I understand the uncertainty of the future. I discovered July 16 my husband is divorcing me and I didn't have a clue. So here I am with a whole different future ahead of than what I was anticipating. A wise woman told me that all relationships end and nothing stays the same. With the wisdom we have from the past, we can carve a future of amazing possiblities. Thinking of you. emoticon

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JRSWHIMSY 10/13/2010 4:22PM

    Pay the electric bill. It's a step in the right direction. And I'm not gonna give you the carp about how everything is gonna be okay and you're strong and blah blah blah, there's lots of other people here for that. I give you permission to be weak. iIgive you permission to cry, and rage, and keep your husband's toothbrush for just a little longer if you really want to. The future will come whether we like it or not. Be here today.

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LINDAKAY228 10/13/2010 12:31PM

    It will get easier with time, although there will always be grief. But there will be gradually more sunshine and less dark clouds. But allowing yourself to work through the grief now is so important. Sometimes people try to push it away too soon and then later it surfaces in some other way. When my father died when I was 8 years old I don't remember us talking much about it. Then when she remarried 3 months later, a lot because I think she was afraid to be alone and raise us alone, she said she didn't want my new stepdad to be hurt and so not to talk about my dad around him. So me and my brother shut that door to our lives. Many years later when I was suffering a lot with depression and going through counseling, I had to work through the grief that I never got the chance to back then. I don't know that it would have hurt my stepdad as much as my mom thought to talk about my dad, and he and my dad had been friends, but my mom was very insecure. I know she didn't mean to hurt us. So work through the grief, and if possible try to find a grief counselor. Sometimes hospice program will offer grief counseling even if you didn't have hospice.
I've never lost a spouse to death, only divorce which isn't the same, so I can't know fully what you're feeling. I watched my mom after the death of my stepdad after they were married for 25 years because when he died she relied heavily on me to help her through it and reacted differently than she did all those years before when she lost her first husband. But I haven't personally experienced it so I'm not going to tell you I know how you feel. But I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon

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2BMYOWN 10/13/2010 12:20PM

    You sound SO much like my daughter....it's just been a bit over a year since she lost her husband and while she's managed to 'move on' to a certain extent, she still feels the exact same way you do. The biggest thing that forced her to even get up each day was her twins....if she had not had them, I'm not sure what would have happened to her. Trav was the one she thought was her 'one and only', and to lose him literally knocked the floor right out of her entire world....AND her feelings about her future that are inalterably changed. She has said those same words to me over and over again, even now....."Mom, my future is gone, we had so many plans....." She doesn't even want to consider a future with someone else, at this point...and she may never, I don't know. She is positive she will never marry again. When something like this happens, it just leaves you floundering. Are there any grief support groups in your area that you could attend? I don't know if you would even want to do that, but it did seem to help Mandy in the beginning.....but what helped her the most, I think, was finding that there were other women in the same position, it somehow helped her to know that she wasn't the only one having to grasp this kind of loss and that there were others who fully understood just what she was going thru. I have been keeping you in my daily prayers since I read what happened, and while I know that there are no words adequate enough to soothe this kind of hurt and loss and void, I just wanted you to know that we do care and think about you daily. God bless......

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