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Clarification

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Okay, yeah, that all sounded a little melodramatic yesterday when I said it. I didn't mean so much, "I have no future at all now! *sob*", as simply that what we'd planned isn't going to work out and I have to chart a new course, for which I as yet have absolutely no plan. It's more along the lines of the Reinhart School of Had I But Known...

I have no idea about grief support groups, but I've never been much of a group type person - never even liked Weight Watchers. I trust myself to get through this, like I've gotten through other tough times. I'm getting tired of all the crying - as I mentioned to someone here- and I can just imagine how tiresome it must be for the poor folks around me.

The Hospice people haven't been in touch in a little while and that's fine. I have the cremains (love the word) here now and we're not planning any sort of service, at least at the moment. Stuff - little stuff especially, to which I've always been particularly vulnerable - catches me off-guard now and again and I choke up, but all and all Im trying to look forward rather than backward, tie up loose ends (who knew there would be so many?) and move on. Unsteadily, maybe a little crookedly, but on.

The first couple days I relied on a loose mix of Xanax, AppleJack, and Subway, but I've cut those either down or out - besides, if I don't start cooking daily soon, I'm going to drown in CSA potatoes and baby eggplants. And we can't have that. Somewhere around here I've got a great recipe for an eggplant/apple casserole, which is perfect for these fall nights.

As I recall, some terribly clever person pointed out that the only certainty was change. Nothing like getting whacked in the head with an aphorism to get your focus back to where it should be.

I am thinking of changing my name here. Scooter was my husband's nickname for me, and it makes me unnecessarily sad to see it, so I think I'll change it .... only I have no idea what to change it to. Any suggestions? And remember, this is a family newspaper.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 10/22/2010 2:22PM

    Everyone has their own way of grieving that works for them. You are doing fine. If you change your name be sure and send me an email with the new one.

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ENUFF81020 10/22/2010 4:24AM

    I'd like to suggest that you do whatever feels best--and if you aren't sure, hang on--those answers come in that magical, powerful and almost mythological thing called time. We seem to rely on it for so much, but as you have pointed out in telling John's story, we have no control over time or in how much we have or in how it plays out. You have earned the right to do anything that you wish though--change your name if you'd like--and change it again and again, if you so desire. Wait if you'd prefer or keep it the same if it feels familiar and secure. There are no rules and no "rights" or "wrongs" to this, which adds to the difficulty and the enormity of your situation. However, you are here on SP and you are among old friends and new people who wouldn't know you if it weren't for your story. I am so impressed with your matter-or-fact nature and ability to continue with everyday things like paying the electric bill. You have a gift and I hope that when the time is right that you will be able to appreciate it and celebrate it.
Gentle hugs,
Sylvia

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SUZYMOBILE 10/16/2010 8:54AM

    I agree with whomever said it sounds like you're going through a very natural and healthy state of grieving. To be honest, I hadn't checked in on you because I thought you might have figuratively pulled the covers up around your ears and just stayed in bed for the past weeks. I think that's what I'd do! You are a strong, smart woman, though, and I have no doubt that you're going to discover, slowly, who you really are and what your own definition of the future might be. emoticon emoticon

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GRAMMIE1959 10/14/2010 10:56PM

    I have nothing wise to say so I will just send my very biggest spark hug to you.
Vivian
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DANCINGGARDENER 10/14/2010 9:46PM

    I have always thought user names were such an interesting concept of modern life... normally our parents, or our lovers, or our community, or even our children name us.

Out here on the internet we are asked to name ourselves.

I've used DancingGardener online since before there was a world wide web (seriously, I've been on the internet since before there were web pages and email) In ways, I am more DancingGardener than I am any other name because it is MY name for MYself.

I respect your wanting to name yourself. Self-naming can be big. I can understand getting a little distance from John's nick name for you. I don't know what you want to name yourself but I am pretty sure it comes from somewhere inside you and that all we can do is suggest names that right true to you....

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JRSWHIMSY 10/14/2010 5:57PM

    Xanax laced AppleJacks... Do they have those at King Soopers? That would be such a comfort before a long day... Or after one...

Carefully not to trip over the loose ends ;o)

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WONDERFUL2BME 10/14/2010 4:05PM

    Feel all the love coming your way. I agree that the name scooter could be a comfort in the long run. My brother in law is called scooter by my sister and he has the owl as his totem or signia. It caught my attention. You are doing the right thing. I have had tremendous loss in the last year and have started coming up for air. Just when I thing "okay I am handling this great" I end up having another melt down and that is normal. What you are experincing is normal. Just remember that and it will help.

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SHERYLDS 10/14/2010 10:00AM

    I like HIPPICHICK1 suggestion.
I would make it Lady_Phoenix emoticon

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HIPPICHICK1 10/14/2010 9:17AM

    Phoenix. You are a Phoenix rising from the ashes.
Lots of love and hugs.
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STARLASUE 10/14/2010 8:56AM

    I am sure seeing "Scooter" hurts now, but there may be comfort in keeping it - for a while - it may not feel that way today, but soon. John is only a thought away in your heart. And there he still calls you "Scooter". It is not the same as having him nearby to touch, to hold, to plan with and grow old with. But he is near and no matter where your future meanders, he is in your heart and soul; he is with you. The bittersweet endearments that bring pain today will bring soft rememberances later.

Change it if you must, but consider it well first... You are still his 'Scooter' even if he has slipped into the next part of his journey.

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BETHGILLIGAN 10/14/2010 8:27AM

    It sounds like you are grieving in your own way which is healthy. I don't think it's a straight road and you will have setbacks, good days, bad days but it is all normal and healthy. We are here for you. If you are not comfortable with a group setting, don't discount a counselor or clergy if you feel you are getting "stuck" in the grief cycle. You sound healthy and strong to me! You continue to be in my prayers.

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SLIMMERKIWI 10/14/2010 4:08AM

    It actually sounds like you are going throug a healthy form of grieving and realisations. When my Mother-in-Law who lived with us died, Hospice offered me grief counselling if I needed it (I was VERY close to my MIL) - I chose not to because for me, grief and death is a natural part of life. It was offered on a one-to-one basis if need be! You have become a farmer in your own right now - what about something along those lines - how about "HAY_FARMER"

Kris

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I figured something out

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

(I actually came over to the computer to pay my electric bill, but got distracted and here I am.)

I keep trying to compare this to when my mother died two years ago, and this morning I understood the difference: when a parent dies and you clean out the house and put everything away, you are essentially letting go of your past. It was over anyway, of course, and you're just dealing with the tangible reminders of it.

When your husband dies, you have to let go of the future that the two of you had planned together. I know there never were any guarantees, but you automatically count on certain things, and giving them up is hard, hard. The past is still defined, but the future you "knew" is gone and there are no guidelines for a new one - it just feels like no future at all.

I know that's not right, that there will be a future of what I make it and all that - I honestly do acknowledge the truth of that - but putting one foot in front of the other and walking alone into the completely open future doesn't feel like liberation and possibilities. Not yet anyway. Maybe someday.

Now for that electric bill.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 10/22/2010 2:11PM

    I lost my fiancee when I was a young girl so I know about losing the future and making a new one. You are a very wise woman.

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ENUFF81020 10/22/2010 4:14AM

    Hi there,
This is not a time for focusing on the "future" or "moving on," but a time for you to grieve and reflect and think and cry and maybe laugh a bit as well. People need all of the emotions that we are capable of and we need that gift of time. Answers and decisions will occur when you are ready, There is no formula for this and no "pat answer" for any of these questions. I know that adds to the intensity and the difficulty that you are experiencing. Please know that there are a lot of people--like me, who don't really know you but who have become aware of your story and who care about what happens to you now and in that "future" you mentioned. I think you are thoughtful and honest and those resources will help you a great deal. I have prayed for you tonight and I offering my hand, shoulder and anything else that might help you if you need it. Take care of yourself. Sylvia


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HIPPICHICK1 10/14/2010 9:23AM

    The future in only a concept. All that any of us really possess is the present.

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STARLASUE 10/14/2010 8:48AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLIMMERKIWI 10/14/2010 2:49AM

    I, too, can understand the uncertainty of the future! Is there any reason that at least SOME of those dreams that you and your husband had together can't be achieved?

Did you ever see the movie Titanic? Rose and Jack had planned to do all of these things together, but he died? Well, Rose went ahead and achieved them all, it's just that he wasn't there in person, but he was in spirit! The same with your John!

Hospice will be there to help you if you feel that you need some help at this time! They aren't JUST for the terminally ill - they support the family holistically, including AFTER the sick person has passed on! Have a wee think about it!

Take care,
Kris xx



Comment edited on: 10/14/2010 2:52:07 AM

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WONDERFUL2BME 10/13/2010 6:43PM

    I understand the uncertainty of the future. I discovered July 16 my husband is divorcing me and I didn't have a clue. So here I am with a whole different future ahead of than what I was anticipating. A wise woman told me that all relationships end and nothing stays the same. With the wisdom we have from the past, we can carve a future of amazing possiblities. Thinking of you. emoticon

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JRSWHIMSY 10/13/2010 4:22PM

    Pay the electric bill. It's a step in the right direction. And I'm not gonna give you the carp about how everything is gonna be okay and you're strong and blah blah blah, there's lots of other people here for that. I give you permission to be weak. iIgive you permission to cry, and rage, and keep your husband's toothbrush for just a little longer if you really want to. The future will come whether we like it or not. Be here today.

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LINDAKAY228 10/13/2010 12:31PM

    It will get easier with time, although there will always be grief. But there will be gradually more sunshine and less dark clouds. But allowing yourself to work through the grief now is so important. Sometimes people try to push it away too soon and then later it surfaces in some other way. When my father died when I was 8 years old I don't remember us talking much about it. Then when she remarried 3 months later, a lot because I think she was afraid to be alone and raise us alone, she said she didn't want my new stepdad to be hurt and so not to talk about my dad around him. So me and my brother shut that door to our lives. Many years later when I was suffering a lot with depression and going through counseling, I had to work through the grief that I never got the chance to back then. I don't know that it would have hurt my stepdad as much as my mom thought to talk about my dad, and he and my dad had been friends, but my mom was very insecure. I know she didn't mean to hurt us. So work through the grief, and if possible try to find a grief counselor. Sometimes hospice program will offer grief counseling even if you didn't have hospice.
I've never lost a spouse to death, only divorce which isn't the same, so I can't know fully what you're feeling. I watched my mom after the death of my stepdad after they were married for 25 years because when he died she relied heavily on me to help her through it and reacted differently than she did all those years before when she lost her first husband. But I haven't personally experienced it so I'm not going to tell you I know how you feel. But I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon

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2BMYOWN 10/13/2010 12:20PM

    You sound SO much like my daughter....it's just been a bit over a year since she lost her husband and while she's managed to 'move on' to a certain extent, she still feels the exact same way you do. The biggest thing that forced her to even get up each day was her twins....if she had not had them, I'm not sure what would have happened to her. Trav was the one she thought was her 'one and only', and to lose him literally knocked the floor right out of her entire world....AND her feelings about her future that are inalterably changed. She has said those same words to me over and over again, even now....."Mom, my future is gone, we had so many plans....." She doesn't even want to consider a future with someone else, at this point...and she may never, I don't know. She is positive she will never marry again. When something like this happens, it just leaves you floundering. Are there any grief support groups in your area that you could attend? I don't know if you would even want to do that, but it did seem to help Mandy in the beginning.....but what helped her the most, I think, was finding that there were other women in the same position, it somehow helped her to know that she wasn't the only one having to grasp this kind of loss and that there were others who fully understood just what she was going thru. I have been keeping you in my daily prayers since I read what happened, and while I know that there are no words adequate enough to soothe this kind of hurt and loss and void, I just wanted you to know that we do care and think about you daily. God bless......

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Do you promise?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


MTNGRL says:, "... believe me a day will come that what has happened is not the first and last thing you think about. It takes a while but it will be that way."

Today has been a bad day. They don't alternate with good ones so much as every day has patches of each, in varying amounts. It's hard to believe it's been a week. I think it was easier in the beginning because it was such a physical and emotional relief not to sit bedside day and night. Now the reality is really starting to sink in.

Thank you, each and every one who has taken a moment to comment on a blog or send me an email. It helps so much with the alone feeling - kids, as much as you love them, never really know the grown-up you and so are a different sort of comfort than an adult who has been there (and once you get to a certain age, you have, or you know someone who has.) I'm rambling here, and phrasing things badly, so I think I"ll sign off for tonight. It's been a really long day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 10/22/2010 2:09PM

    I understand completely. I lost almost all my family between 95 -98 so I know all about grief and the stages you go through. Just know that we are here for you. emoticon

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ENUFF81020 10/22/2010 4:02AM

    My good friend Emily (MTNGRL) has said this in a way that I never could. All that I can say is that aI am so sorry for all that you have been through and all that you have lost. My prayers are with you--and even though you haven;t met me and don't know me from anybody, I'd like to extend my hand in friendship to you. If you need anything that somebody online can help with, please take my sincere offer seriously and let me know. Time is the ultimate ingredient in healing and allowing our lives to move on, in a more positive way. God bless you as you grieve and as your life is continuing with this monumental change. Again, my condolences to you, Sylvia

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STARLASUE 10/14/2010 8:47AM

    It changes. Easier? Farther down the road. Grief is such a convoluted journey. Take it a minute at a time if you must. Know you have lots of loving friends here.

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MTNGRL 10/13/2010 10:12AM

    I still stand by what I said. It won't be soon and when it happens you may feel as I did, a little guilty. But some time that day will come. The holidays were very hard for us that first year as well as any birthday and event through the years that my children celebrated. It is the sadness of knowing the person you love, the father of your children is not standing next to you celebrating those times. We actually held a "memorial" service on his birthday that first year, 2 month after he died. It was sad but healing for all of us. I still have the beautiful words our 6 & 8 year old wrote in 1986 as a tribute to their Dad.
Your husband will always be in your heart and that will always be.
But a day will come, I promise that won't be so painful .

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YARELL 10/13/2010 6:48AM

    I have started this comment 5 times... and everything I write sounds harsh, or trite... useless words.
Does it get easier? I don't know. It gets different, where it isn't the whole horizon, you start seeing around it a bit, without noticing.
Then a little more, and a little more.
Hag with little kids, go find some whacky, wild little ones and hag with them. Play their games, laugh with them. That helps.


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SLIMMERKIWI 10/13/2010 5:35AM

    What you are experiencing, as painful as it is, is normal for grief. It is really healthy that you are having some good patches mixed in.

My observations have been that it is generally easier the first few days because there is a certain "numbness" involved, and there are also generally a lot of people around, but as time goes on, the people become less and the numbness wears off. This is often where it is difficult working through all of those emotions - but you WILL get through this, and you have the support of your friends here, and those in your "real life" to help you through.

Take care, and big hugs,
Kris xx

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UNICORN212 10/12/2010 8:56PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

That is pretty much all I can say. Things will get better with time. The pain will become less, and you will cope with what needs to be done. Life goes on, even when we are not sure we want it to. Allow yourself to grieve, and be kind to yourself. John would want to to carry on and be able to thrive, even without him.

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UNICORN212 10/12/2010 8:55PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

That is pretty much all I can say. Things will get better with time. The pain will become less, and you will cope with what needs to be done. Life goes on, even when we are not sure we want it to. Allow yourself to grieve, and be kind to yourself. John would want to to carry on and be able to thrive, even without him.

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JILLINWONDER 10/12/2010 7:52PM

    I just "met" you via blogs tonight, and my thoughts are with you. Your farm, your daughters, and your cats are beautiful, and you too. Blessings.

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2BMYOWN 10/12/2010 7:19PM

    Hugs to you, sparky bud, I think a lot of us older folk have been there and know exactly what you mean. Keeping you in thoughts and prayers in hopes the day comes when the memories will bring a smile to your heart instead of the sadness, but yes, you're right, it takes awhile to reach that point. Time is the only healer, in things like this, unfortunately. God bless.....

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JANEDOE12345 10/12/2010 7:16PM

    We are all here, poised to hear your progress and concerned that you keep coming back to check in. We all have something we wish we could offer, some way to filter the experience for you. But all we can do is to keep a watch out for messages and keep sending our concern to you. We are not going anywhere, friend.
Stay well,
Pam

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BETHGILLIGAN 10/12/2010 7:10PM

    It will get easier! You are in my prayers!

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And that's that.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

John passed away Tuesday, in the very early morning hours. I still have trouble believing it, and alternate between being perfectly fine and being totally weak-legged overwhelmed with sorrow. I know it'll get better, I really do...I just can't imagine how or when.

While I am neither particularly vengeful nor litigious, it seemed impossible to me that his Ct scans in February apparently showed no cancer, and by late September he had advanced, end-stage liver cancer. I was sorta/kinda considering consulting a malpractice attorney. However, I had several email swaps with an oncologist at Mt. Sinai, who reviewed every image and every report John had had in the last year, and his opinion is that in February he had no cancer and by late September it was very advanced. The doctor - and this guy is widely considered to be one of the top hepatic oncologists in the world - said that such rapid progress is unusual but by no means unheard of. And I'm glad. I don't know how I could have lived with the "if only-s" - if only we'd gotten a second opinion faster, gone to Mt Sinai sooner, paid more attention - I dunno. That whole bag of pain doesn't have to be opened, and I'm grateful.

Kids are doing as well as can be expected, each in her own way. I gave the college one the option of taking the quarter off, but she chose to go back to school and I'm glad she did. The older one who is taking a year off between college and grad school is home with me and is, in theory, helping me get the place cleaned up and sorted and all that. We haven't made much progress yet.

In other, but related, news, I suddenly found myself a hay farmer. While I'm a certified NYS nursery professional and horticultural this, that and the other, I don't know beans about hay. Someone asked me what sort of tractor we had, and the only answer I had for him was, "It's blue." Half the equipment we have I can't identify; a couple pieces look more like a helicopter crash than a machine. Anyway, Steve came out today to walk around and talk to me. Steve knows everything there is to know about hay and cows and fields and soil nutrients and what you feed to this animal as opposed to that one and what they sleep on and how many bales of what size and weight you get out of X number of acres and on and on and on. So far he's convinced me that a) I have lots of good hay-able land but that b) I need to recertify my organic status and c) it would make much more sense to make big bales ( one covers with plastic using an extremely cool machine) than the small bales I currently seem to make.

So far, the only thing I'm absolutely set on is that I *do not* want cows. I don't want to be a dairy farmer. I don't care that NY has lots of them and they do well. I don't care that my barns are perfect for cows and look at all that... whatever it's called when they eat what's growing out of the ground. Foraging? Grazing? Whatever. No cows. No. Cows. No chickens, either. I loathe chickens - except when they're scared and they run away, flapping their arms and shouting. That just never gets old for me, so I imagine if I did have chickens, they'd all die of coronaries from my constant harassment of them, just to see them run away.

But (thank God) it's autumn, and I don't have to make any big Hay Decisions right away. Steve said I should Brush (Bush?) Hog all the fields and then ... I forget what it's called already, but you throw seeds over the newly mown ground and apparently it comes up in the spring and is all happy. So I can do that ... with the Brush/Bush Hog and the blue tractor.

And then... I guess we'll just have to see what happens next.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PENNYAN45 10/14/2010 7:15PM

    I am just seeing this for the first time. I am so sorry about your loss of your husband.

I am glad that you have a daughter with you to help during this time of adjustment.



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STARLASUE 10/14/2010 8:43AM

    Karen
I have been away and limiting PC time. I totally missed this. I am so sorry to hear about John's passing. Sending you lots of love and energy. Be gentle with yourself as you grieve my friend.

Healings Hugs
Sue

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HIPPICHICK1 10/12/2010 8:53PM

    I'm so sorry to hear of this news. I haven't been getting notifications of your blogs, my dear one. I'm sending loving soothing thoughts to you now. I'll be in touch soon.
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LEMONSMILES 10/12/2010 7:44PM

    Dear Scooter, My thoughts and prayers are with you. Of course I can not even begin to imagine how you must feel this terrible loss in your life and I can only send my most positive prayers and love across the pond to you and your family. May God's strength be with you always..
Victoria emoticon

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2BMYOWN 10/12/2010 7:16PM

    I am so sorry to be happening across this so late, please accept my condolences in the loss of your hubby. Keeping you in thoughts and prayers and wishing you peace and wellness.

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LOULOUBELLE2 10/10/2010 9:49PM

    Hi There Karen,
I along with many of your SP friends are sincerely sorry to hear of Johns passing. My sincere condolences to you and your daughters. As has already been said, time will help all 3 of you heal. The next few months will be hard especially with the holidays coming...but thank God you have your Daughters and they have you to help each other through it. Farmers are great people and I'm sure that Steve will be there to help you proceed as needed. A manager might be a good thought as well. Sounds as if you do some of the work and that's good therapy for you as well.

You gave me a chuckle when you said that about chickens. I feel the same way. I love to here them squeaking loudly as they run away. My Daughter has chickens and is always watching me very carefully when I am there.

One word of advice, take things slowly...don't make any hasty decisions. Trust those you know well and take it one day at a time. Your emotions will go on a merry go round, but soon that will pass.
Vent here on Sparks, it will help you cope to.
Prayers to you and your daughters, take a deep breath and move on slowly.
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THINTWIN2 10/10/2010 3:29PM

    So sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I can't imagine anything so tragic. I do hope you don't have to make all those decisions yet and that you will have the help you need at the right time. May God comfort you through this time.
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ACIMPEGGY 10/10/2010 12:30PM

    Sweetheart, you and your DDs have my sincere condolences. Even if you believe, as I do, that Spirit never dies (I've seen/heard/felt/smelled too much evidence of that in my own life and heard of it from others), it is still SO difficult when we can't touch our loved one, hear that laughter, see them with our physical eyes...

And, as you say, there is always the possibility of guilt...'if onlyies...'

You will heal, in time. Life may never be quite the same, but in some ways is may be better. I'm glad you have some work to keep you busy.

As Spark mail, I'm sending you an anonymous poem a friend on other teams sent me. Believe it. emoticon

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MTNGRL 10/10/2010 11:55AM

    Karen, I am so sorry to hear about John's passing. Is there any way to say that that doesn't sting, I don't know. I do know I felt a wide range of similar emotions when my first husband died suddenly and I was either totally upset or totally determined to see each day through given the circumstances.
You will, no doubt about it, face more similar days and believe me a day will come that what has happened is not the first and last thing you think about. It takes a while but it will be that way.
I am glad your college age daughter went back to school and you have some "help" from your other daughter. Sharing the four walls with someone is a big help. You may want to talk to anyone who will listen about what has happened. I know that helps but your daughter may not be the best one for that. However on those nights when you are missing him she will be there to hug and comfort you if only by her presence.
As to being a Hay Farmer. You go! Lots of people here have hay as their cash crop. No animals grazing and sometimes farmers will rent the field from you for their animals. Someone down the road has lambs, twice a year they are there and there look pretty easy compared to cows. I love watching the whole hay production from the mowing to baling that happens here in the spring and summer. Nothing looks so country as a newly mowed field with "Hay rolls" littered in random locations. I always see that and think some lucky animal is going to eat well this winter.
May God give you strength and peace in the coming days. Hugs

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JANEDOE12345 10/10/2010 8:59AM

    My heart goes out to you at John's passing from this life to another stage. I hope there is comfort to know that you are welcome to communicate any time with me (or probably any of your Spark friends). Stay well,
Pam


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BETHGILLIGAN 10/10/2010 8:52AM

    Karen-Thank you for sharing such painful news. I can't tell you how sorry I am and know that you and your daughters are in my prayers. You seem so brave and strong to me. I'm not sure I could take on hay bales and tractors on a good day, let alone after such loss. We are here for you, please keep us posted. emoticon

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SUZYMOBILE 10/10/2010 8:08AM

    Karen, I was just thinking about you and I am so very sorry to hear about John's passing. I can't imagine how devastating it must be. Your Spark friends are here for you any time you want to vent or share your life, as you go through the very understandable ups and downs.

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Comment edited on: 10/10/2010 8:09:01 AM

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CINDYC53 10/10/2010 1:42AM

    I am so truly sorry for your loss. And I am glad you can come here and share with so many friends you've never met, and feel safe and loved. They say time is the key - that and leaning on loved ones.
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LINDAKAY228 10/9/2010 11:43PM

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I'm glad you have one of your daughters with you. I wish there was something I could say or do but I know that nothing I say will take the pain away and I'm way to far away to go do anything for you. So the best I can offer is to keep you and your family in my prayers.

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DANCINGGARDENER 10/9/2010 11:29PM

    John was a very lucky man to have shared his life with you. Much love to both you and your daughters... I think it would be so hard to watch my daughters loose their dad, almost more so than loosing my husband. "Posting my condolences" seems surreal but know that I truly ache for you

As for hay, pretty much all you see here in Wisconsin is the great big huge round bales. Are you thinking of producing organic hay for other people's cows. Personally I would be drawn to sheep and rabits, but that's my voracious taste for yarn talking. I say grow crops not animals... crop farmers can travel occasionally!


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SLIMMERKIWI 10/9/2010 10:44PM

    I am very sorry to hear of your loss. My experience of caring for terminally ill liver cancer patients is that by the time the diagnosis is made, it is usually fairly quick. I know that that is no solice except to say that at least he didn't linger lilke a lot like sufferers of some different forms of cancer often do! In that respect it was a blessing.

Please know that you have a lot of friends here on SP and also obviously in your "real life" to help you through this time!

I grew up on a dairy farm and alto' the practices are considerably different now, there is no way I would go back to it. It is too time consuming, and then I am a big softie and wouldn't want to get rid of the non-productive cows!

It may have been harrowing or ploughing the field that steve was referring to. My Dad used to drag a hairbrush lookingn piece of contraption behind the tracker and it would lightly rough up the ground, then he would go over with the seed spreader, flinging all the grass seed out to spring into life with the first drop of rain!

Those round hay bales are VERY common in New Zealand now, and a lot of farmers find it a lot easier to feed out. It is a lot easier to store, too, because you don't have to have a shed for them.

Perhaps you could think about contracting a "part-time" farm manager until you get back on your feet. This would give you time to learn what is needed to keep the farm running properly, and not be under a considerable amount of pressure.

Take care,
Kris

Comment edited on: 10/9/2010 10:45:39 PM

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MORTICIAADDAMS 10/9/2010 10:38PM

    Oh, Karen!! I am so sorry for your loss. You have been so brave throughout this ordeal. It sounds like he had a virulent form of cancer.

It sounds like you are getting some good advice on how to proceed. It's Bush Hog, by the way.

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DANCINGJILL 10/9/2010 10:21PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. But he is no longer suffering and just remember he is watching you from the heavens above. emoticon

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Quick update

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

We sent all his records, images, etc. to a hepatic oncologist at Mt. Sinai for a second opinion, but so far no word other than, "The CT from March looked good [that was the only one I had on hand to send him - the others come from other hospitals] but a lot can happen in seven months." No kidding.

I try to focus on the present and not "awfulize" too much about the future. My daughters are both here (although the younger one goes back to college next week) and we all sort of prop one another up and take turns giving in to complete collapses.

Other than that, two things keep me going: the first is that, at 55, I've lived enough life to know that no matter how dreadful it seems, things do get better, and one day after the other broken hearts, like broken bones, do knit even though at the time it feels impossible. The other thing that keeps me going is the gifts that you guys give me with your notes and caring. It's amazing how much difference a kind word can make, and I'm am so blessed to have you all in my corner.

My daughters bought me a fancy cell phone - apparently my old one, which i used to make and receive calls, was insufficiently advanced. Now I can access the Internet, have spoken directions to get me from here and there (if I should ever go anywhere more complex than the grocery), take pictures, make movies, record symphonies and dozens of other things. Now if I could only figure out how to make and receive telephone calls...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYC53 10/10/2010 1:37AM

    I clicked on your page almost by chance (but nothing is really by chance, is it?) - after seeing your name on my friend feed. And I have gathered bits of your story together and my heart is full for you. I have no advice for you - but do want to say thank God for your daughters and the strength of family leaning on one another.
Your perspective has helped me work on my own during a scary/uncertain time in my family. My daughter is pregnant (5 mo) and the baby is in trouble. Long story, but he may not make it, and if he does, he may have problems. It's sometimes to "focus on the present" and not "awfulize" (such a good word). Reading your blog made me feel stronger. Thank you.
I'm going on to read your next blog now. Sending you love from yet another spark friend - Cindy

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JRSWHIMSY 10/1/2010 8:44PM

    I'm glad you're all hanging in there. I hope you can get some other medical records to send off to the docs

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LINDAKAY228 10/1/2010 7:07PM

    Thanks for letting us know what's going on. I know the waiting must be so hard to bear. I hope you hear something positive soon. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 10/1/2010 4:54PM

    I'm glad that you have the support of your daughters. You are very strong and you will get through this.

I still don't have a cell phone and have no idea how to work one. No real need or desire for one either. LOL.

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DANCINGGARDENER 10/1/2010 11:08AM

    Daughters... how amazing they are. I am so happy you have a couple, otherwise I'd have to lend you a couple of mine! They can help you get through a lot, can't they?

Keep on keepin' on with your bad self!
love & more love, Maud

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PENNYAN45 9/30/2010 11:53PM

    It's good that your daughters are there with you -- and that they are giving you modern tools to help you out.

I am praying for you and your family.

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STARLASUE 9/30/2010 7:47AM

    Keep on keeping on - you are doing it. It is a long journey you have been on. emoticon emoticon emoticon

You'll get used to the phone and then you will wonder what you ever did without it!

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SUZYMOBILE 9/29/2010 10:21PM

    It's good to get updates from you, about any old thing. I always try to check your page to see if there's a blog. It's also great to hear that you can find some relief in things like Zumba and a new toy.

Thinking of you,

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JANEDOE12345 9/29/2010 5:12PM

    Keep giving us updates. So many of us are keeping you uppermost in our positive thoughts and it is helpful to know what's up...and it sounds a little better.
Stay strong, stay nice, and stay positive!
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Pam

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C11ELF16 9/29/2010 11:48AM

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. So glad you have those beautiful daughters there for you. Take care. ((HUGS))

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LOULOUBELLE2 9/29/2010 10:43AM

    So glad that you have your DD"S with you. You are a strong family, your closeness will see you through. Hopefully you'll get the results from sending out those test results soon.
You are thinking positive and still have a sense of humor regarding that phone. They can be intimating.
My prayers and hugs go out to you and yours. We all care.
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BUNNYCATS 9/29/2010 9:36AM

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HIPPICHICK1 9/29/2010 9:09AM

    Yes a lot can happen in 7 months. Here's hoping for the best. Prayers, healing and loving thoughts coming your way, my dear one.
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BETHGILLIGAN 9/29/2010 8:39AM

    You and your family continue to be in my prayers!! Please keep us posted and good luck with the phone!!

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