Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Whatever I'm looking for, it's not in the fridge.
Or the pint of strawberries in my breakfast/lunch/snack.
Or the cashews I keep at my desk for serious hunger.
Or my lunch.
Whatever I'm looking for, it's in my heart, not my stomach.
Friday, July 23, 2010
I've started seeing a therapist. Well, to be precise, I had a first meeting with one, and have another on Monday. Then I'll choose and go from there. (One has lousy hours and is far away. The other is close, but I haven't met her. I want to see how I get along with both.)
But mostly, I've taken to using my long walks to try to deal with some of the angst that I'm holding onto. I spend a lot of time dealing with my own ... everything, really. There's a lot about myself that I've hidden from for a long time.
I do have a walking buddy for some of it. He's a good friend from work, and he's really easy to talk to. He also calls me on all of my crap, which is good when one is in a deep funk like this. We walk, and we help each other. Thankfully, he also doesn't let me dwell like I'm prone to, so we still have a good time together. (That, and he has the most adorable dog.)
The rest of the time, I choose to walk alone. When I walk, I let the stress and strife flow through my feet. When I rest, I observe and reflect.
The world moves around me. Through me. Below my feet.
Heartache isn't easy. Heartache is hard. Heartache can eat you alive if you let it. My feet take me away from heartache, a little more each week.
I walk, and I feel. I walk, and I cry. I walk, and I breathe. I walk, and I ache. Like the pain after a long walk, I know that my heart's pain is not permanent. It does not define me. It does not control me. It is not all I have, all I am.
I walk to challenge myself, physically and emotionally. I explore places I've never seen, feelings I've never shown. I walk distances I couldn't imagine a few months ago. I walk to tear down the walls I've built against my own strength, in body and in heart. I walk, and I find parts of me I thought I'd lost, or never knew I had.
I walk, and I know I will be OK. I will be OK, if I keep walking.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Being sick and having no appetite are very enlightening when one is trying to lose weight. (No pun intended.)
Today is the first day I've recognized what true hunger was, versus "wanting to eat" or "being time to eat" or worse, wanting food for "comfort".
It's funny, I'm so incredibly hurt and upset and angry right now, and the food I have sitting in front of me holds no appeal. The thought of eating is entirely repulsive. I suppose it's also good that I can find something positive in all of this...
(I realize I'm being cryptic. I can't really talk publicly about most of what's going on right now, and I apologize for that.)
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
So I've been "back" for two weeks now, and today's the first day I actually tracked my calories. It's been at least 9 months since I tracked, and probably closer to 12 since I tracked faithfully.
Well, that was an eye-opener. At least I know why I gained 25 pounds in 6 months. Apparently I've forgotten most of what I learned about portion control.
What amazes me is that it only takes ~500 extra calories a day to go from maintaining to gaining at that rate.
Wait, 500 calories? I bet I can find 500 calories that I didn't need. Let me see...
1 cheese stick put back = 90 calories
1 nature valley granola bar (package) put back = 190 calories
1 cup cherries put back (actually wasted, they were brown) = 75 calories
That's 350 calories right there. And I'm far from deprived. Now I just gotta find that last 150 calories at dinner... Hang on, I CAN do this!
Monday, May 24, 2010
I'm starting over.
That's right, I'm back! It's been 9 months since I've been on SparkPeople last, and almost 18 months since my previous start. I've gained back 25 of the 50 pounds I lost last year. So I've got my work cut out for me.
So what am I doing differently? Well, for one, I'm not doing this to lose weight. This is my life, and I'm taking it back.
I'm taking advantage of what worked last time. I learned that I am quite happy on a high-fiber, high-protein diet. I learned that I love fresh foods and that I am not afraid of new foods. I learned that it's OK to want dessert, and it's OK to not always get everything you want. I learned that there are other ways to get chocolate in your diet besides chocolate bars and brownies :)
What didn't work last time was my exercise. I wasn't consistent. I wasn't goal-oriented. I didn't have a plan, and apparently, I don't function well without one.
This time, I'm taking on weight loss as part of my training. I'm doing a 3-day, 60-mile walk for breast cancer in Philadelphia in October. The Susan G. Komen Foundation sponsors the walk and provides all sorts of support programs, including a couple of structured training plans. I'm three weeks into the 24-week training plan, and it's daunting. I know that I can do it, but I also know that in order to be successful, I really have to FOLLOW the plan. What that gives me is twofold: I have a plan that I don't really have to think about, and I have a goal to work toward. Walking 60 miles in 3 days isn't something that can be achieved overnight, but it IS a challenge I can work toward.
I spent too much time seeing this as work. That's changed. I'm going to take it slow, and make real lifestyle changes. I'm doing my best to ask for help when I need it. I'm listening to my body and to my heart, and I'm doing what I can to make it work.
I will still be writing. I don't think I know how NOT to write. But I probably won't share every day. I can't expect to be profound all of the time, right?
Get An Email Alert Each Time SCIENCE_WRITER Posts