Saturday, August 10, 2013
I have been in a major funk for a while. Yes, I know why, and while I'm trying to pull myself out of it, it tends to get the better of me more than I'd like to admit. Now, to add a special twist to things, I'm starting to have WEIRD dreams. My eyes popped open just before 3 this morning, and I was wide awake, and royally pissed off. I have no idea what I was mad about, my by jaw was clenched and my brow was furrowed big time. I accidentally woke my husband up with the light of my phone when I looked at the time, and he was like "What are you doing?" to which I got even more upset and answered "I don't know!" before getting out of bed. I tried to figure out what was making me so angry, but couldn't figure it out, and chalked it up to an anger dream. Have you ever had one of those?? They are so freaky!
It took me forever to fall back asleep too. I would be half awake, half asleep and my thoughts wouldn't make any sense (I can't even remember what I was thinking/dreaming about) but I'd feel myself starting to get really mad again, and my half awake brain would try to step in to the dream brain to calm everything down. Waking up was a real battle today too! I feel really tired this morning, like I went 10 rounds last night!
Today is my sister's birthday AND bridal shower, and tomorrow is my mom's family reunion. I am extremely bummed out that I am not able to attend, which is the only thing that I can think of that I might be subconsciously angry about. I thought I'd worked through it though, so I'd be a bit surprised if that was it!
I had a massage yesterday to start working out the tension I'm carrying around (and feeling hardcore now that I've been banned from my beloved Aleve!). It was a great start, but now I'm sore - I don't think I drank enough water yesterday and I feel bruised where she worked the most. I have been trying to take time for "me healing," and this is one of the biggest ways I'm trying to do that.
In terms of how I've been physically feeling lately, my stomach/core is a mess. I am still getting sharp pains, and after looking up more information about the gallbladder, it makes me wonder if that would be part of what is going on internally. I'm trying to get in to get the ultrasound done, but I know it won't happen tomorrow! All this information at our fingertips is wonderful and terrifying, isn't it?? I feel like there are so many overlapping symptoms, and I have at least a handful or more from each new possible issue! So confusing, don't you think?
Anyhow! I should be getting back to work. Which reminds me, I've been considering applying for a different job within the library. I feel like my job hasn't shaped up the way I expected, and I admit I'm a bit disenchanted. Perhaps being in a department that isn't so confrontational and needlessly hyper would be a good thing for me right now!!!! So much to think about...
Saturday, August 03, 2013
This has been quite the week. I felt very ill on Sunday, but since I'm the only staff that works the weekend, I toughed through it, but on Monday I was sent home from work! I passed out for over three hours when I got home, and started to feel better after that.... Tuesday I had an appointment with an internal medicine specialist, Wednesday my aunt and uncle arrived from Ohio, and Thursday I had an appointment with my new OBGYN. Busy week!
I didn't feel like I was in the right place on Tuesday, and fully admitted that I suspected that I should be at an endocrinologist, not internist. The lovely doctor agreed with me, but did a full work up anyhow before saying that she suspects that I may have endometriosis. She has told me to stop taking pain medication because it may be irritating my stomach lining, and has prescribed some medication to try to repair any damage my pill-popping did. I'm also going in for another ultrasound, this time for my gall bladder. My primary and the internist had noted bloating and sensitivity in that area, so it's a precaution! I've looked in to endometriosis, and I definitely have a lot of the symptoms, however, everyone is in agreement that there is most certainly something hormonal going on too... so we're still looking!
Thursday's appointment was interesting to say the least. My OBGYN is all but convinced that I have PCOS. She lamented how poorly this syndrome is named, and that studies have shown that as little as 25-30% of women with PCOS actually have cysts on their ovaries! I have a whole new set of blood work ordered yet again, this time focusing in on my hormone levels. I may have an official diagnosis soon, or we will for sure know that it is NOT PCOS. Either way, it's an answer! After much discussion, I am accepting that she wants me to be on birth control for the next six months. One of the reasons I started this doctor journey is because my husband and I have not been able to achieve pregnancy. I don't really want to be on birth control, but I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity. My husband can get tested during this time, to see if there are any hurdles from his end, I will get my period regulated again, and it gives me a deadline to go whole hog for food and fitness.
I've been very discouraged/bothered as more and more labels get added to my medical profile. Diabetic (very borderline, but the pre-diabetic diagnosis has been removed from the medical lexicon), obesity, infertility, possible PCOS, possible endometriosis, possible high blood pressure... in two months I've gone from nothing to disaster! Something I'm trying to focus on is the FACT that everything I've been diagnosed with is treatable/reversible.
I have to focus on the FACT that am in control of this situation, and though it has been ridiculously difficult to lose weight in the past, the low amylose diet seems to be quite effective, so it's time to get serious. No more gluten, bye bye majority of grains, catch you later below ground veggies! When I felt really thrown and upset, I stopped my yoga challenge, and I need to get back to it. My stress/anxiety levels are high, and it's just a FACT that yoga has been a big help! Gotta keep working out regularly, and I really need to add in strength training again.
So I have a plan. Have I had plans in the past? Abso-freaking-lutely. The don't always go AS planned, now do they? Haha. But I just have to keep focused and take everything one day at a time. I have to stick to my plan and get my husband on board to help me out. I'm hopeful that the tests will come back conclusive, and I'll be on the right track for answers. I like to have a tangible thing to fight/work through!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
I feel completely lost.
I have been following the "Low Amylose" diet for six weeks and have lost almost 15 pounds. I'm over the moon! After trying different approaches for so long, it has been so refreshing to see weight literally fall off of me for the first time EVER. I started this approach because I was 92% positive that I did, indeed, have PCOS and this is the recommended diet for the syndrome. The only thing left was an ultrasound to confirm there are cysts on my ovaries.
The ultrasound technician was a dream to work with, I felt completely comfortable. I asked if she saw anything at all, and she said that there were many small cysts on my ovaries. Instead of feeling upset, I felt relief. FINALLY I knew what was going on. I had a tangible opponent to fight! I had been doing the right things! These hormone irregularities aided in my insulin resistance! I didn't just do this to myself!
The next day, I'm told that my ovaries look fine.
What am I supposed to do with that? How can this be? I don't FEEL RIGHT, and it's not my thyroid, and now it's not PCOS... well what IS it then? Another day crying in the doctor's office trying to get my questions and issues out clearly, but stumbling over myself because I'm emotionally distraught.
I don't FEEL right. "What does that mean? How so?" Valid questions that are nearly impossible to answer when your brain is in overdrive trying to make sense of the contradictory information you've just received. My stomach hurts, I get dizzy, I'm not in control of my emotions. I feel off. I don't feel like myself.
Another battery of tests have been ordered. Now we are looking for signs of Celiac or Chron's Disease. (I don't even think I'd test positively for Celiac if I have it, since I haven't been regularly eating gluten for months, and that contradicts the guidelines for testing!) Internal medicine, endocrinology, OBGYN... more doctors. More stress. And more than anything else, I am terrified that no one will ever figure out what is wrong, or that I'll have to leave the area (and network) to get answers.
Something in me just doesn't quite accept that I don't have PCOS. It's not always an easy thing to diagnose, and symptoms vary. I don't know how else to put it other than a gut feeling, but I just keep thinking that I have way too many of the symptoms, and that there is most certainly a hormonal issue happening.
I just want answers. I want to know that I'm not crazy, that I'm not having psychosomatic symptoms! I want to feel GOOD for a change. I the occasional pity party, but I feel like the last chick at the pity party ball right now. I don't want to be a whiner, and that feels like all I'm doing. Ugh. Am I just getting all the frustrations out of the way now, so that the rest of my life will be smooth sailing? Cause... that would be RAD!
OH, and just for funsies, my body has decided to bless me with an extra period this month. Cause that's EXACTLY what I want and need right now! :P Thanks ovaries.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I have started and stopped SO many blog entries over the last two weeks. Now I'm ready to share, learn, grow, and change!
I've been at my new job for almost two months now, and I've been beyond pumped to have insurance! I started seeing a chiropractor for my chronic shoulder, back, and knee pain, and in two weeks I feel MARKEDLY better! It is absolutely astounding and wonderful! SO, hooray for that!
Now I'm not a fool. I've known that something was wrong within my body for a while now, but I didn't feel I had the time nor the money (sans insurance) to really start to tackle things. So I waited. Now, I'm reaping the "rewards" that come with putting off problems! My mother, sister, aunts, and grandma all have Thyroid problems, so when I started cooking for myself and exercising and STILL continued to gain weight, I immediately thought that was the problem. I set up a wellness exam and got some blood work done. The same day, I heard back that my thyroid levels are normal, and I was so confused. What was happening then? Why am I gaining weight? What am I doing wrong?
My glucose readings were through the roof. I had an idea what that meant, but I started to look up information anyways. Both my grandfathers and many people on my father's side of the family have or had diabetes. My own sister fights high blood sugar, which I didn't know until after I got these results back. I was told I needed to take another glucose test, this one the fasting variety. Again, the results were extreme. My doctor started asking me questions about my cycle among other things. I had heard the term PCOS (Polycyctic Ovarian Syndrome), but I didn't really know what it meant. I started researching again.
Holy cow. Could this be it?
I started mentally checking off symptoms:
*Weight Gain & Trouble Losing Weight (Um... totally.)
*Extra Fair on the Face (Haha... my students used to ask if I was growing a mustache when I didn't wax it!)
*Acne (I don't know.. I wouldn't say acne, but I don't know a lot of 30 year olds that have the pimple issues I still have!)
*Irregular Periods (Unbelievably heavy, often six weeks apart, sometimes "ghost" periods. I've felt like a slave to my cycle for a while now... it seems like I have PMS and hormonal issues for two to three weeks at a time. I'm constantly waiting for my period to START already, and then it feels like my body is trying to purge from the inside once it does start! Is this TMI? I'm sorry if it is!!!)
*Fertility problems (M and I have been not NOT trying for a while now. Infertility is usually diagnosed after 6-12 months of active trying. I can't say that we would be diagnosed, but it's been about six month and no babies yet!)
*Depression (Yes, yes, and yes. I am a naturally positive and upbeat person, and I feel like I've been dealing with depression in various forms for years. In college I was diagnosed with SADD, so of course I moved to a place the sun literally don't shine for months on end! Haha!)
Clearly, all these things have been happening over the last two years... some further back than that. It kills me that I might have caught this earlier. I've had insurance for 27 out of the 30 years I've been alive. Most of these symptoms have been around in some combo since puberty. When I think back to high school, I suspect I was tested for this then. I'm undergoing the same procedure now...
So now I have been referred to a diabetic educator because I am officially Insulin Resistant. My doctor has NOT said Type 2 to me, and believe me, I asked. However, all the paperwork has said Type 2, which worries me. She doesn't want to put me on medication until after my test results for PCOS come back conclusive. At this point, I don't know what to think if I DON'T have PCOS.
I found myself irrationally upset with my doctor as she spoke to me. I wanted to scream at her that I KNOW how to count carbs. I HAVE been avoiding added sugars and simple carbs. I wanted to tell her DON'T talk to me like I haven't been fighting this fight for years. I know that I am obese. I know that. Don't you think that I know that? Haven't I told you that I've been trying? Didn't I tell you that I've changed the way I eat? That I work out regularly? DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M LYING TO YOU!
Instead, I started crying. And felt completely overwhelmed. Even though I have been preparing myself for weeks to hear this, once it was reality it hit me hard. I've cried over the fact that I should have done something earlier. I've cried over the fact that I did this to myself. I've cried over the fact that I am going to have to sever ties with my comfort zone. And I absolutely freaked out when I was told that I really need to try to calm down and relax because stress it not going to help (Did I mention that my blood pressure is also sky high?). Anyone else do that?
I've been researching and pinning new recipes on pinterest like a crazy person. I, like most, just want someone to tell me what to eat to control my blood sugar. I've been trying out a low amylose diet, recommended by ladies battling PCOS. So far, it seems positive! Every now and then, I am struck with the reality of what is happening. My legendary sweet tooth is going to need to be extracted, quickly, and without anesthesia! A lot of the foods I have grown to rely on are on the no-no list. I have to approach carbs in a whole new way, and gluten and I have to break up. I find myself getting PANIC STRICKEN and asking M absolutely INANE questions like "Oh my God. How will I live without crackers?!" or "What am I going to do to replace chocolate when I have my period?!" Like I said... inane. This isn't about cravings, it's about changing.
So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to change. I'm going to learn, and I'm going to CONTROL this. I'm going to finish getting tested for PCOS, and if that's what I have, I'm going to do what I need to do to CONTROL it. As upsetting as this has been, after the initial overwhelming feeling subsided, I think I felt relief. At least I KNOW that something is wrong, and the I wasn't crazy. If I have PCOS, at least I will KNOW that I wasn't slacking off, I really was working as hard as I thought I was. That, in some way, is a relief. I can stop beating myself up some. My scale can stop being scared that I'm going to smash it to pieces when it says THE WRONG THING to me, haha!
This wasn't the easiest blog to write, but I really do feel better now that I've said it! If anyone has dealt with/is dealing with PCOS, Insulin Resistance, or Type 2 Diabetes and have words of wisdom for me, please feel free to share! I'm like a sponge searching for information to soak up!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Hello fellow Sparkers!
Man, has a there been a LOT of change in my life recently! And guess what? For once, I can really say that it is pretty much ALL positive change! HOORAY! I don't even want to go in to the vast amount of "less than good" that went on since the last blog post I wrote in SEPTEMBER. Let me just say that I was sick with pneumonia and/or bronchitis for over four months, I was stressed out, over worked, and on the verge of a true breakdown.
Thankfully, God decided that I had paid my dues long enough, or knew that I was one shift away from having more than I could handle on my plate, and I was granted a wonderful nugget of hope. Two promising FULL TIME WITH BENEFITS job leads turned up just when I needed them to. The first one didn't work out, and I'm quite glad it didn't. If I had been offered that job, I wouldn't be in my NEW JOB that I am LOVVVVVIINNNNGGGGG!!!! (Just imagine me with the BIGGEST smile on my face right now!)
It almost seemed like fate - I had gotten some distressing news about a co-worker that was bound to have a serious impact on my work schedule. I was at the end of my rope and I came home in a panic and told my husband that I simply couldn't take it anymore, I had to quit. I bemoaned aloud "Why can't I just find a job in a library?! I just want to work in a library again!" seconds before I started searching all my usual job posting websites. And guess what?! There was a position open, in a library, and not just any library, the Michigan Tech library! Getting to work at the same school where hubs is a PhD student? What could be better? It is a union position, and I happened upon it, I kid you not, an hour and a half before open applications for external candidates were being accepted. I had a mini panic that I wouldn't get my application, cover letter, and resume together in time, but it was as if fate had prepared me for the task at hand once again. I had applied for a part time library position at Finlandia University (the smaller liberal arts college in the area) in January, and all I needed to do was tweek two sentences, and off the resume and cover letter went! Within a few days I had heard back and had an interview set up! And, well, I already gave away the punch line, haha.
So here I am, starting my second full week at work! I'm only working 40 hours a week for the first time in over a year and a half, I have benefits, AMAZING fringe benefits (including a new iPhone and paid phone bill, $150 in "TechFit" money that I can use towards gym memberships or fitness classes, rewards for my points on SparkPeople, and hey, carpooling with my husband and having lunch/dinner together regularly is quite the perk too!), great co-workers, CONTROL over the food I put in my mouth, and CONTROL over my exercise habits. YAY! HOORAY! RIGHT ON!
That said, I'm still adjusting to this new life. I have grown accustomed to being awake well past midnight most nights, and running on fumes. I just had my first real weekend in months, and I now can really FEEL how tired and beat up I really am. It will take a while to heal this used and abused body, but I know I'll get there!
Right now I'm still seeing a number on the scale that makes me cringe a bit (and by that I mean a LOT). Right now I'm noticing that my clothes are not fitting the way that I like, and things that used to be loose are getting tight again. It is sad that I have "backslid" during the past year and a half, but I'm glad I have been able to more or less maintain 20 pounds below my first starting weight. I may be starting fresh, but at least I'm not starting OVER. In the back of my mind I just couldn't handle the idea of getting back up to the 290s and 300. Now it's time to adjust, start again, and celebrate the successes and victories along the way!
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