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SCAREWALDORF's Recent Blog Entries
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Saturday, March 10, 2012
Yes, I hate to admit it, but stress fueled bulimia made an unwelcome appearance this week. I had to arrange an assembly-my first assembly-for Wednesday and I was so freaked out and stressed about it, that I went through a cycle of eating and then being sick, eating then being sick, over and over. By Friday I was pretty despondant and I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep for all eternity. But I woke up this morning and decided to just give it
ONE
MORE
GO.
Sometimes that's all you need isn't it. Three hours of roller derby later, I don't feel so rotten. I still over ate today, but by 500kcals rather than 10,000. I'm not kidding, I added it up.
I haven't sucumbed to my bulimia that badly in so long. I feel really down about it. I thought it was all over and that I had beaten it, but I under estimated its strength. Breaking the cycle was easier this time though, so I guess I can thank whoever for small mercies.
Anyway, the negativity subsided somewhat at Roller Derby, but when we did our mixed Scrim, I found it hard to think of anything positive about my performance. I know that I did ok-I managed to knock down their jammer once or twice, but I just couldn't think of anything else positive. All I could do was critsise myself-I wasn't fast enough, I didn't think/react quickly enough, my jamming was sub level. I would never speak to any other team mate like I do myself. I don't think anyone would speak to others as they do themselves. I wanted to ask others on my team what they thought, but I didn't want to look...I don't know what I didn't want to look like.
Anyway, now I have broken the cycle, I'm hoping to maybe get a bit more happy. We have lesson observations next week, so I need to think of a way to not sucumb to stress eating.
Gritting teeth and bearing it maybe?
Promise to be more upbeat next time.
xoxo
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Going to keep this short and sweet. I went out for a run this morning in the rain and cold. I realised that I had made a school boy error in wearing a sleaveless vest under my running jacket. Within minutes, I was soaked to the skin and freezing cold. I managed to keep on going for 8 miles until I decided I was far too cold and wet. So I got to my front door and got my key out. I managed to get it into the key lock, but my arms were so numb I couldn't find the strength to turn the key-I had to ask a passer by to let me into my own house! Unreal!
Any way, this strange and amusing story is nothing to do with the title. Well, little to do with it. It made me realise that I don't just need to be physically strong, I need to be able to be mentally strong. I mean...two miles? Two miles is not that much, and to give up two miles short ecause of a slight chill, now that I thnk about it, is really annoying.  I think that most people would agree with me. I'm strength training a little more now, and I intend to keep it up. Watching 300 is great fit-spo. Of course I don't want bodies like the blokes, but the muscles would be nice. So although my focus is mainly on cardio and endurance, I'm going to start thinking about my mental strength as well. I've already set myself a new goal to do a set of push ups a day four or five times a week. And I'm looking at an article on Sparkpeople on how to do a pull up. One day...
OH AND...
he still hasn't texted. LOL
Well, he's still in Morocco isn't he?
Saturday, March 03, 2012
Oh good gosh. This week has been both brilliant in terms of socially and awful in terms of sparking and diet. I've managed to reign it in today, going for a run AND tracking calories. I've gone over by about 200kcals, but the point is that I have tracked them today. I should be properly back on track tomorrow, seeing as I have cooked up three batches of food, so that should last me the week hopefully! No excuses to binge because I'm too tired to cook something proper. At least I find the exercise part easy. I don't know why that is. I have no problems in meeting my target for kcals burnt, but limiting myself? I'm like a shark in a feeding frenzy!
***Before you read the following, I have a lifestyle and I'm happy with it. I'd appreciate no judgement on my life choices!***
So, last weekend I went out with my friend and I met a guy called Dan. He and his friend were perhaps the only decent people in the club that night. Well, decent guys. I say this, because every other man that came anywhere near us seemed to think that because I was in the club, it was ok to grope and grab me and grind against me. Which earned two of the ****s an elbow to the stomach, I can tell you. I am not patient with drunk creeps. It did not help matters that my friend (who is married but the way) was dirty dancing with anyone who came near us, and so I guess they thought I would be fine with it too. Not happy!
Anyway, evetnually II made her move to another part of the club to escape a particularly forceful and persistant creepazoid. She agreed, but brought his friend along (NOT HAPPY!) and continued to grind on him. At this stage I'm like 'whatever, you're kind of being a ho and I don't like this when you have a husband.' And I guess it must have shown on my face, because two guys are laughing at me and my friend. One comes over and tells me to stand with them and chat. He manages to do this without placing his hands on any part of my body, so already he is the best bloke I have met over the whole night. We get to talking and I find out that they are both really nice, if slightly tispy. I swap numbers with Dan and I think that's the end of the night, but we end up going to their house. We talk til about 5am, and then Dan and I retire to his room (DON'T JUDGE ME!  ) leaving my friend and his friend in the living room.
So, the walls are really thin in his flat. No, no, we didn't make any noise. But they did. I was so mad at her. She'd been whinging about her husband for most of the weekend, but I didn't think she would do something like that. And the most irritating part was that she didn't seem that upset about it. Did I mention she has three children? I just let her blab on about it in the morning, I was fuming. And she seemed to be very taken with the friend, because she was really pushing me to text Dan. Now, I know (and many of you will know) that a one night stand (Do I have no shame?) can't really develop further. But I humoured her (to shut her up) and texted him to say thanks and that and figured that would be it.
Then he texted back. And not just a thanks, bye text, an actual conversation text. So I was thinking, 'ooo, hello!' So we get chatting and I ask if he has a day or night off that week before his holiday to sleep and recover. I really did just mean that. But, you know when you say something, and then you thnk about it and you're like 'awww man!' Well that was one of those texts. He sent a text back saying he was busy all week and all I could think was 'I look crazy.' 
Then, he texts me saying 'actually, my plans for Wednesday have been cancelled, so if you're free, you can come over and I'll demonstrate my amazing cooking skills."  
So I was pretty psyched! but then I remembered I had an aerial silk class on the Wednesday and I couldn't go, so I texted him back and said so. His response?
'gutted. Well, if you don't mind waiting til around 8:30, we could do it on Thursday?'
So now I'm thinking, hey, he may actually be INTERESTED in me? God dammit, this is just my luck, he's interested and the only two nights he asks me out, I have stuff going on. And then lady luck smiles on me and my aerial class gets cancelled.
So I tell him this, and then he keeps asking me questions, asking me what I like to eat, drink, do I need him to come get me? And then the date comes around. It was fun. He cooked me vegetable curry, came to pick me up from the fountain and was generally a gent. I texted him thanks on Thursday morning (I got in at 12, so technically...) and he texted back. Then I texted him friday morning to say have fun on holiday and I haven't had a text back. I'm not really that bothered. Two dates (shh!) is not really enough in my view to form an attachment so I don't mind that much if he doesn't call when he comes back from aboard. As long as I don't come across like this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaGFV0YJg-0 I'm happy.
In other news, I saw the Crucible on stage on Thursday-AMAZING! And...that's it really.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Got to practise felt apprehensive.
Got on track to block.
Got knocked down
Got back up again
Got knocked down.
Came off
Watched others get knocked down.
Felt better
Got on track to Jam
Got knocked down
Got back up again
Got knocked down and stepped on with skate
Started to feel a little rubbish
Got off track
Watched someone get kicked in face with skate
Start to worry about losing teeth and check mouth guard.
Get on track
Got knocked down
Got back up again
Got knocked down
Got back up again
Really starting to feel rubbish.
Give self pep talk about how everyone started this way, how I can only get better, how at least I'm getting up again and not giving in.
Got knocked down
Got back up again
Get sent off for cut track major
!"^!)(&")*^&!!)!£@"(^(!*£!)£!@!!!!!!
End of practise.
And yet I'll be there at 9am Saturday.
I best at least have an impressive bruise to show people.
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