How would your parents describe you?

Monday, April 25, 2011

So this is the third question.

I don't know to be honest, i went home yesterday and asked my mother what she would say and she was stuck for words. A few she came up with were 'independent' and 'determined' but that's all she had. She said it was something that she would need to think about in more detail before she could give me an honest response. But I like those two words.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEGANBY2011 4/26/2011 12:00PM

I think you are those plus "strong" and a "gift". I think your approach with your students is wonderful. I think you are "honest" and "caring". I love your sense of humor and your friendship. Spark on my dear, Megan Report Inappropriate Comment

365 Days of Blogging-I wish I could stop X from happening

Sunday, April 24, 2011

So, I'm sure that there are alot of sparkers who have written about something really noble, like war, prejudice, world hunger etc. Well, I'm taking this as 'stop X from happening TO ME'.

So, I choose purging-mainly the vomiting up of food or use of laxatives.

As you know, or may have guessed from the above statement, I have stuffered with bulimia through my life. Don't get me wrong, I am doing much better, and I don't have the violent binges even 1/4 as frequently as I use to, but they still occur. And that is why I wish I could stop them from happening. They're painful,hulmiliating, and almost totally self inflicted.

Wait-almost, I hear you ask. Surely totally-who is making you do this?

Well, Emotional Eaters will probably understand this better. When I binge, it's like I switch off completely and almost go into a coma like state. I only come round when I finish eating, and then I feel like the realisation of what I've done hits me. And the best way to describe that, is like having a drill sergent screaming in your ear about how you've failed, you're a mess, you're disgusting FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT. And, when someone is yelling at you like that, it's easy to give in and shut them up. It's hard to get away from voices in your head.

I mean it's not just the voices, it's the sheer panic. Have you ever hit snooze on your alarm and WAY overslept? Times that by a hundred and that's what I feel. I mean, the way I feel, after a binge-a really big binge-it's how I imagine that Arab guy felt in the Mummy when the scarb beetle was crawling under his skin-I want to get it out by any means possible.

Then, after the purge, there's this light headed relief, that lasts all of 10seconds, followed by more self loathing and hate, because you know you've done something terrible to yourself. And you hate yourself for doing something so stupid and dangerous, you hate yourself for being 'weak' and you sometimes hate yourself for being proud.

So if I could stop anything from happening, I'd stop binge and purging.


(Sorry it's a bit deep, regular blog to hopefully come this evening)

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEGANBY2011 4/25/2011 12:08PM

Thank-you for sharing this deeply personal part of you. I feel like I finally understand. This has always been a mystery to me. Now a light has been turned on. I know you are strong. I will keep you in my prayers. Megan Report Inappropriate Comment

HEEEYBOOBOO 4/25/2011 11:15AM

I've definitely felt my share of self-loathing. And I'm glad that you can recognize that it's not good for you. I think denial is the absolute worst thing you can do with something as serious as this. You're already ahead of the game in terms of that. :) I hope that you're finding the support that you need in SP. If there's anything you need - you know where to holla! Report Inappropriate Comment

365 days of blogging-What do you do?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I saw this on a Sparkbuddies page, and I love it, so I'm stealing it!

What do I do?

I'm a secondary school teacher, currently in my second year of teaching. My specialism is English, which is excellent because I love reading. The age range I teach is 11-16 year olds, I don't teach six form, which I'm secretly releaved about, because I've been mistaken for a student around school a few times (someone tried to place me in detention) so....yeah!

Outside of work, I like to run. I'm more of a winter evening runner than a summer morning runner. This morning for example, I went for a run in the lovely sun came home soaked in sweat and VERY dehydrated. I don't like it! I like to warm up as I run, it makes me happy. I also love to cook and I like watching cookery shows. I've just joined a Roller Derby team, which I'm really enjoying, even though I'm not very good at it yet. But, I'm sure I'll get better, I just hope it's soon!

So, that's what I do, so tomorrow it's what do you wish you could stop happening.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEGANBY2011 4/25/2011 12:02PM

You are a very accomplished person. It is so nice to get to know you better! Megan Report Inappropriate Comment

So, about this faith and religion thing...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

First and foremost, before I get started, these are just my IDEAS about faith and belief. I don't think that I'm ultimatly right or anything, but I just wanted to get it off my chest, so if something I say offends you, I'm really sorry-I'm not out to offend or attack anyone.

So I have seen alot of threads on religion recently, usually from the point of view of either 'There is' or 'There isn't', if that makes sense. Is there anyone out there who would class themself as Agnostic-in the sense that (like myself) you don't really commit to one religion, or the idea that there is no 'Higher Power'

Personally, I don't think that there is one true religion, and I don't think that you go to a bad place in the afterlife if you follow a different path to the person next to you. I believe in an afterlife, so therefore I do think that there might be something in being spiritual so to speak. However, I think to follow a specific religion and say that this is the way that a higher power wants us to lead our life is flawed, because (as stated in Dogma, which I love) the laws set down by these higher powers are translated and written down by people, who are flawed. So we translate and interpret to our own ideas and that's when hate crime and such occur. I mean look at the portrayal of women in religion! And look at how people have treated natives when they went over to other countries because they believed something different. And they justified it by saying it was a right given to them by a higher power?

I can't follow religion, because I feel like there are too many moral views that I don't agree with. I can however, follow a spiritual path and try to be the best person I can be. Whoever judges me in the afterlife, if they are a truly benevolent being, they'll see that and not how I worshipped them. I know that many people think that unless you follow this and that religion then you are punished. If that's true, then I guess I'm doomed. But then wouldn't that mean that it would be useless for me to try and be a good person? Or should I fake a belief?

I know that alot of people will feel strongly about what I'm saying, and I would like to say that I do respect people who have a faith that they feel strongly about. I would appreciate it if you respected what I felt and didn't just attack or try to convert me!

Peace to all!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEGANBY2011 4/21/2011 1:16PM

I love your blog. I consider myself to be VERY spiritual, but like you I don't follow a specific guideline. I believe in being the very best person you can be. Make sure that people are better off having been in contact with you - that is what I try so hard to follow. Good job, you got me to think about it again. Report Inappropriate Comment

TIJ-RAH 4/20/2011 1:01AM

Great post on the "OA w/out God references" thread, and your blog! I have encountered people on spark who feel the need to drown out others with their strong religious opinions. It is refreshing to read open minded posts like yours! I personally believe that there are many paths that can lead to the same universal truth. Report Inappropriate Comment

MRE1956 4/19/2011 3:56PM

Here, here! As to your last statement - why don't people just GET A CLUE? Report Inappropriate Comment

RIVERSOFMELODY 4/19/2011 5:31AM

wow, you seem so similar to me in views about religion. Simply marvelous! Report Inappropriate Comment

Quick log in

Monday, April 18, 2011

GAH

Just ran 10km for the first time in ages. Well I say I ran it, it was intervals really, but the fact that I'm holding onto was that I managed the 10km. It took me 1hour and 15mins, which I think was pretty good considering that I have been a bit slack in running-I've BEEN running, but short distances rather than the full amount. My 10km is the second weekend of May so I need to focus and stop messing! The 10k is one of my goals for 2011, and whilst I would LIKE to run the whole thing, just DOING it will make me feel amazing.

So BRING IT ON!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEEEYBOOBOO 4/18/2011 9:43AM

Yay!!! Great job! Report Inappropriate Comment