Friday, October 18, 2013
I started to spot last night, and this morning the lines on pregnancy tests are whisper-faint. So it's over. I'm going on the pill for six months. We need a break.
Monday, October 14, 2013
I just had a second beta-hcg test done, and the doubling time is 66 hours. Though that's within the range of "normal" (31-72 hours), it isn't good and I've been told to stop taking progesterone supplements, and that I'll probably start to bleed within a week.
Miracles happen, but probably won't. No June baby for us.
Friday, October 11, 2013
I had a positive pregnancy test yesterday. It is faint, but not a squinter. This morning's test looked exactly the same.
I already have progesterone to take, so I'm going to wait until Monday to call the doctor. The only thing she could do is order a beta series, and this line is so faint on sensitive Wondfo tests that I don't want to know how low the beta would be today! Also, this is the fifth time I've had a line since Mimi was born, and the previous four all went kaput. So I'm not excited yet. I'll be excited when I see a heartbeat on an ultrasound.
So anyway, that's what's going on here right now.
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
So we spent a week at my parents' house. I matched proteins and carbs. I was often hungry--hungry enough to wake up in the middle of the night. I got a couple of walks in, not as many as usual because I felt so bad from sleeping badly.
And when we got home I was up 3.5 pounds. After struggling for almost two months to get four pounds down.
A pound and a half have come off in these first three days back, so that part was just bloat or whatever. I have to say the other two pounds appear to be real. And I am royally angry about it.
Do you understand why I feel so hopeless and fatalistic about losing weight? My body just doesn't want to do it. There is no easy way. There is no "just eat less and move more". I have to be in a very specific set of circumstances, and try very hard, at every single moment, to see downward movement. And I have to KEEP focusing every single goddamn second to maintain it.
And no, it wasn't mom's great home cooking. My parents have--and my husband independently confirmed this--a stingy, anxious, and joyless attitude to food. He and I are both hungry when we're there. Meals are carefully portioned before cooking to avoid leftovers, and precious few snacks are available (apples, toast, and crunchy unpleasant cereal).
I'd like to throw things. But I'll keep matching carbs and protein and eating as little as I'm comfortable with, and shrug my shoulders with a giant "eff you" to thermodynamics. This has nothing to do with discipline on my part. This is nature working against me.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I was down to 194.2 this morning! Yeah! Down 1.5 pounds in ten days, hooray!
The IR Diet is really for me. I do get hungry frequently, but I also know that it's okay to eat frequently. I don't track or count, so I don't get paranoid about tracking and counting. I don't have cravings because I can eat whatever I want... maybe not now, but soon, and I know exactly how much of it I can eat. I've eaten pizza, cheeseburgers, chocolate, peanut butter, cookies, and beer. And cheese and nuts... lots of cheese and nuts. I've had no hypoglycemic episodes and no unmanageable/uncomfortable hunger. I don't interfere with my family's eating habits, either. They get their pasta and rice and waffles and desserts. And I do too... at the right time and in the right amounts.
I do eat a lot of vegetables, don't get me wrong. I don't max out my 30 grams of carbs every two hours. I don't necessarily eat every two hours. I eat a lot of lean meat and reasonable amounts of fruit, too. I choose whole grains when I can. I have been doing a lot of walking and moseying. I drink water.
But man, always before, to lose weight I had to suffer. I had to deal with cravings, with unmanageable hunger that led to "binges". I had to deal with calorie ranges that SIMPLY WERE NOT LIVABLE FOR ME, including the ranges given by SparkPeople. I got depressed. It wasn't worth it.
I'm so glad that I know how to do this now. The IR Diet tweaks me into the "zone" where I feel as hungry as a normal person on a reasonable calorie deficit, which is livable and manageable. I never understood how people could stick to weight loss regimens full time, because they were unbearable for me. Now I understand. It isn't supposed to be unbearable.
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