SARSPARKS25   31,687
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Not The Strong One

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I have been gone for awhile. I have been coming and going and login almost daily. However, I have NOT been working out. I have NOT been eating healthy. I have gotten so far off track that I am starting back at the beginning. I know that it happens and I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but I feel horrible. A lot has happened this past year and though the things are not excuses, I find myself slipping further from my goals and into a depression. Let me start at the beginning...

My first obstacle that I started to notice when I was really making progress was my lack of good time management. This was in part due to my inability to get good sleep. I found myself staying in bed longer to get sleep since I can't stay asleep through the night. I started slowly slipping at that time. This was a little over a year ago. Since then, I still struggle with my sleep from time to time, but have started taking melatonin and valerian root to help with my sleep.

The second thing that happened was I met someone. Yes, I met the man that I planned to marry. Things moved faster than he was ready for and he broke my heart a little over a month ago. Throughout our time together, I found that I spent my free time with him, talking to him or doing things for him. I made these choices and I am not unhappy about them. However, I know I should have still taken the time for myself. After all, here I am all alone and not any closer to my health goals.

It may seem silly to some, but the past month or so I have found myself in a sort of depression. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel or how I am supposed to wake up each morning and go about my day without this man. I have been doing it so I know that it can be done, but deep down I am broken. My heart is broken. I feel as though I just don't care anymore and that makes it even harder to get back on the health horse. How do you suddenly go about your life after losing the person you love? The person that you made future plans with? The person you were going to marry and have a family with? I am having a very difficult time dealing with the pain and the lose of this man as well as the loss of our future together. Sure, there are other fish in the sea. I hear this all the time. It makes it even harder because I KNOW there are other people out there yet my heart still belongs to him. I can't be unfair to anyone. I can't knowingly get involved with another man while I know my heart is not available to them. Yes, that means that I have to give it time. I have to allow myself to heal and move on from the pain and heartache. I do believe there will come a day that I can move forward and date again. I just do not see that light at the end of the tunnel yet.

Many will say this is the best time to really focus on myself. I couldn't agree more! I also can't lie and say that I am motivated. I lack the motivation as I am in the depression. I started seeing a counselor. It helps, but is not the answer I am looking for. The one thing I have learned in my life is if you don't know what to do then don't do anything at the moment. So I am just going about my life and hoping that things will get better, that answers will come my way. I am back here because I WANT to get healthy and I WANT to exercise and do things that make me happy. I just know that it is going to take time to get back into things here as well. I am starting slow...very slow.

I share this with all my spark friends because I feel I have been a bad friend. I am sure everyone will understand, but I want to be a better person. I want to be healthier physically and emotionally. The break up and heartache is making that very difficult. Thank you for reading and listening. It is not easy to admit that I am beaten down. I am so used to being the strong one for everyone that it's hard to share my feelings, but right now...I am not the strong one.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JULS_MARIE 6/27/2012 8:44AM

    Im so glad that as I continued reading you said that this is the best time for you to get back on track. It can go either way at this point (I know I would struggle with binge eating). You just gotta start each day off with a little bit of determination. There are so many reasons to get out of bed in the morning. You don't deserve to be in a relationship if he wasn't in it just like you don't want to find someone new if you're not all the way in it.. I have been there time and time again. And I finally feel that everything is how it should be. I cant imagine how life would have been if it wasn't for breakups and taking chances. You got this! You gotta dig down deep for yourself, I know you want it so bad-we all do!! Maybe make a fun playlist and just dance if that's what you gotta do to get out of a funk!

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Staying Positive

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Sometimes I just need to scream. I need to rant and rave and vent about things just to get them out and then it is like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I firmly believe that letting things out is one of the best ways to stay positive. Sure, maybe during my vent I seem completely insane with negativity or "feeling sorry for myself", but think about it this way. I am only human...if I don't get those things out, then they will remain inside me and never go away! It is like throwing out the trash. Once it is full, if you don't get it out then it starts to completely stink up the house and that is ALL you can think about is that nasty trash!

I have to stay positive because no one else will do it for me. I have not been working out. My eating habits have been horrible. I am actually surprised I have NOT gained any of the weight back that I lost. However, my intentions are good to get back on track. I know what has been holding me back. I have been insanely busy lately, mostly because I have been picking up overtime at work for the past month. I have decided that once November is over, I will not pick up anymore OT this year. I want to instead work on my personal goals. Get back to eating healthy, working out daily...I need those to become habits that I cannot stop! I also want to have free time to enjoy my life. Spend time with family and friends, go to the movies, spend time on Spark and read again. I miss reading so much!

These are my goals and I am slowly but surely going to make them my reality. I have a very short work week coming up with only Monday and Tuesday so I think I can have some time to myself to really get a plan going. Right now I have a horrible cold. I am on meds for a ear infection. I can't breathe I am so congested and my neck is in so much pain that sleeping has really become difficult for me. I need to shake this! I will shake this and then get healthier and happier! :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOIE501 11/28/2011 10:15AM

    Now is a perfect time to get back on track....!! You can do it! =)

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Discouraged Big Time

Friday, November 18, 2011

One of the things I love most about Spark is the community. We are all living life and manage here and there to come on and support one another. How great is that!? It is lovely really. I don't know if it is the time of year or maybe just that everyone is just as busy as I have been, but I don't feel a community here anymore. If I am just as invisible here as I am in the real world, then I might as well not waste my time, right? I keep telling myself I am going to put more time into supporting others and I really should and really want to. It is just hard when i feel like people forget I exist the moment I am gone for a little bit. Maybe I am being overly sensitive and just complaining for no reason, but I have spent most of my life being present to people ONLY because I remained in front of their face. I am not doing that anymore! I do plan to touch base with friends here in the near future...likely over my thanksgiving time off.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOIE501 11/28/2011 10:15AM

    :)

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BECOMING_HOLLY 11/19/2011 4:11PM

    I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you as much as I should be. I really do apologize. I have been SO busy dealing with myself and my family lately that I really haven't kept up with Spark People as much as I normally do. I just am almost feeling your way maybe... that I am not as good as others on this site and that if I don't scream that I need attention 24/7 that I will be forgotten too. Thank you for this blog. Please keep me accountable!

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SARSPARKS25 11/19/2011 2:43PM

    Thanks ladies! This is a busy time of year for most people. As for the blogging...my last blog was not that long ago. I simply deleted all my other blogs. I know I have not been on much lately as life has been very busy for me as well. And frankly, if someone forgets me while I am gone, they are not worth my time anyway! :)

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TREP13 11/18/2011 5:23PM

    Sorry that I haven't been very supportive lately. I've been dealing with some emotional turmoil and haven't been there for my Spark buddies. I'm working on getting my head back to normal but know that I'm always supporting you, even if I can't always "verbalize" it.
emoticon

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XPHOENIX 11/18/2011 11:07AM

    There are millions of people on SP and it's easy for people to get shoved to the side by others that scream "look at me" or put themselves out there more often. I didn't forget you exist, but you aren't there that much babe. Your last blog was December 2010. Almost a year ago...

When the seasons change, people get thrown off track and have difficulty keeping up with themselves, much less everyone around them, but the effort is what counts. Its nothing personally against you, I'm certain. You are a gem :) Those that actually took the time to get to know you, notice when you aren't here. If they didn't get to know you yet, they are missing out :) XOXOXO Glad you are still here with us!

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After A While - - My Life Motto

Friday, December 24, 2010

After Awhile
By Veronica Shoffstall


After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIMBYUT 12/30/2010 11:12PM

    LOVE IT

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INMYBMI 12/29/2010 10:59PM

    BEAUTIFUL.. hold this one close.
Lisa emoticon

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