Saturday, June 18, 2011
I'm moved to think about this by MEZZOANGEL's most recent blog...it's actually been on my mind since a good friend committed suicide on May 29th. None of us really understand why he did this...in the sense that we all so deeply valued the moments he spent with us...but we do know that the pain of his moment-to-moment life had become too much for him to bear and that in a moment, he took his own life. He had made plans, goals if you will, of trips to visit his children and he was growing a new kind of vegetable in a cooperative project with one of his neighbor's children...among other things. But those goals did not hold him in life. Hm.
Paula made the very good point that many on this site are somewhat...is it too much to say obsessed?...with their goals for healthy living, weight loss, etc. to the point where, when the goal is attained, there is a sort of exhaustion reaction and a return to old habits. Not to say that goals are bad...but when goals get out of balance with the moment-to-moment joy of living that makes us want to live and gives us the energy to pursue goals in the first place, something is wrong.
I have been alternately goal-obsessed/goal-allergic/goal-conflicte
d for most of my life. As I think back, it began with my dad's often reproaching me and my mother for being "trifling" and "good-for-nothing" because the things we did were not productive enough in his eyes. And they certainly earned no money. My dad had his own struggles with the need to be productive and to support us adequately, and he didn't always bear them gracefully. So from early days I can remember feeling driven to find a way to make money in order to live, and feeling that I would have to be miserable in my work, because none of the things I loved made any money. It didn't make choosing a vocation any easier.
Cut to present day, post-divorce (marriage should never have happened, it was one of those desperate get-away-from-home, can't-support-myself things), nearing end of career as singer/voice teacher/music director. The career I have made required an incredible amount of discipline in order to achieve the goal of being good enough to win employment and respect in my field. I have always been conflicted about that discipline and have in many ways done just enough to achieve the goal, despite my very real interest in music and in singing. It's as though something about the presence of the goal poisons the process.
The first place in my life where this was directly addressed was years ago in yoga class, where I first heard the phrase "goal-oriented" used in a negative sense. My excellent teachers used it to describe the kind of yoga where you aim to imitate the look of the pose, rather than experiencing your body as it approaches the pose, as it relaxes and/or settles into the pose - to whatever degree it and you are capable of the pose. Being oriented toward the goal of the perfect pose robs you of the very process needed to find the pose. Wow.
This concept gradually opened up the process of practicing singing to me...as opposed to the struggle for perfection in singing which created tension and technical problems. Without my journey to let go of goals in this negative sense, I could never have become a good singer. The work of H. Wesley Balk furthered my understanding of this in relation to performance and I was fortunate to find a graduate school where our teachers worked on this principle. Process, not product, was the focus. Every day, every rehearsal, I still find that the key is to focus on the process with awareness, and then the product comes. It may not come immediately, but it comes. Always. And the more joyfully and hopefully we can focus on the process, the better...
The approach of being in the moment has become second-nature to me when it comes to music, but I have had to relearn it when approaching my "goals" of losing weight and becoming more healthy by walking, running, eating differently. I have had to remind myself to do what I need to do in the moment for me and my body, whether or not that gives me the perfect result on the tracker that day or that week. The process has been most successful when I listened to me and gave myself the right to do/eat/exercise the way that felt right for that day.
Support can be found here for this approach - I think of CJ's most recent blog "Celebrating the Joy of Movement" and how she has discovered on her own her own way to dance which is enabling her to enjoy movement, rather than consider movement a "task" or a "goal" and hence something that she has to force herself to do.
I think also of the "Slowest Loser" and of Carolyn, and how she is so patient with herself and gives herself the right to take small steps toward healthier choices, and accepts herself even when she gains weight, but just starts again, knowing that the healthy choice IS the best choice, but you just gotta splurge sometimes and that is OK.
Inspiration comes in many forms. On the days I know I need to make myself run, I think of Esther getting out there no matter how she feels (with so much more going on in her life than I have in mine) - and I am always glad I did. But on the days when I KNOW I need the sofa, I am going to have the sofa and a good book - and the next day, I am glad that I did that too.
Thanks to yoga and to singing (which has been said to be "yoga for the inside of your body" - Stephen Colbert) for helping me rediscover the joys of being in the moment and in my body. Thanks to Spark for helping me connect that to healthier eating and moving. Right now, I have still not attained my ultimate goal of 130 lbs. It does not bother me at all, and I don't really care how long I take to do this, because I am happy, moment to moment, with the way I'm eating and living. Since early this year, I've been consistently 136-139 pounds, and I can see a progression toward healthier habits in my eating and in week-to-week exercise choices. I'm pretty sure that this will continue and grow, since I really love feeling stronger and having more energy. I don't feel my "goal" pressuring me...it is just patiently out there...and I am moving toward it because I truly like the process.
There are lots of other things I want to do in life besides obsess about healthy living - "so many books, so little time" - so many places to go, people to meet and get to know, languages to learn, songs to sing, things to write.
I can do all those things, bit by bit, as long as I listen to my own inner voice and do the next thing that seems right. Truly focusing on the process is the key.
So Paula, you are so right. We each have to find our own way to this for ourselves. We have to encourage ourselves to take time for ourselves so we can feel our feelings about it and think our thoughts and get to the point where action feels right. All that stuff is good.
Have a wonderful day...and cherish each moment which is so precious and may never come again.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Today I did W7D1 of the rookie run training for the Spark Virtual 5K. I was surprised that I only cheated once - on the 4th or 5th leg when the run segment had me going up a long hill fairly steep at the end. So I did walk for 1 minute of that run segment...
But all things considered, not too bad for a 65-year-old!
It occurred to me that my playlist was a BIG part of my success. AND that my playlist has a lot of quirky things in it - but also some really fun oldies that work great for running. So I thought I would share. Not always easy to find approximately 4 minute songs that work for running!
The first two are by Abba and you will recognize them!
Now another of my faves, Kate and Anna McGarrigle, Canadian folk-rock, from their album Love Over and Over...
These are not available as mp3s - but the album is great. Songs are Son, Sun Shining on the Water (4 mins.) and Move Over Moon (3:11 minutes - I used it for week 6).
Now a real blast from the past. This came for leg 4 or 5 just when I really needed a boost...
And here's another oldie...
A lot of Elton John is either too long or too short for this playlist...but this one's just right!
Here's another quirky choice - Cha Cha Lounge, the cut titled Brazil...
A terrific jazz CD with lots of runnable stuff on it!
Now what about those 1-minute segments? Here's where I get really quirky but it works, because no need for a particular tempo when you're walking.
Bach does very nicely! Check out the shorter tracks. Almost any recording of this will do but this one is available in mp3s...
If you want to get REALLY different, try Samuel Barber's song cycles - I have sung most of these short songs. They're recorded here by Cheryl Studer and Thomas Hampson. Wonderful, and just the right length...
Folk music does well for shorter cuts - I have a Chieftains song on here, The Arrival of the Wren Boys, and also some cuts from Jay Unger's Civil War recording - When Johnny Comes Marching Home, Kingdom Coming, Angel Band.
So with the aid of these songs to move by, I MOVED MY BUTT! and here's to all who are running the Virtual 5K!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I would never have dreamed I'd be doing this!
But I DO like to run! Especially since I'm getting better at it - so it is more fun!
I just took the plunge and signed up for the April 10-16 Virtual 5K - Rookie Runner's version. I considered the walk/jog approach - in fact I did Day 1 of that training program today - but I THINK I can do the running thing.
I THINK I can, I THINK I can, I THINK I can, I THINK I can...
said Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...
After doing the 25-minute segment, with 4 1-minute jogging intervals, I measured off 1.25 K, which just happens to be the length of my most convenient walk, with no major hills. (In the 25-min. seg. I did today, one of my walk segments was a rather major hill - I think I don't need this...)
This addresses my need to get outside...I will just hope I can manage that for 3 days a week...and then for 3 other days, I will do Leslie DVDs or Bollywood or my cardioglide or Pilates or some such thing.
This also addresses the boredom issue, and gives me a goal to work toward.
Thanks to MEZZOANGEL and JOHNTJ1 for being part of my inspiration to do this!
to all my sparkfriends who are so disciplined in their approach, AND to all of my sparkfriends who are less disciplined but very creative and full of joie de vivre in this struggle toward health and fitness and strength!
The training has begun!
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