Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I'm so embarressed I could cry!!! In fact, I'm fighting back tears...
I dunno what I was thinking. A couple weeks ago my 2 best friends (both crazy skinny and so cute) and I went out on a girls night. We went down to a local bar for some drinks and dancing. Bought a new shirt, thought I could possibly have a good looking, feel great night..
Well, I was wrong!!! Just recently saw the pictures the bar put up of that night.. :'-( My shirt came up and sat on top of my spare tire around my stomach, my face is swollen and pudgy as can be, my make-up terrible.......
I couldn't be more embarressed!!!! The fiance just got home from work and I feel like if I say one word the dam will break.. Ugh, I feel the most aweful I've ever felt....
... I can't even handle it, I just wanna cry......
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Ok so i'm really... Well, I dunno what I am, actually. I'm not mad, not sad... But anyways, so we finally got some new uniforms ordered for work. Unfortunatly I did have to go up a size.. Which I'm not mad about, I knew I had to. I've come to the realization is I have to be comfortable no matter what size I am so I was prepared to get the bigger size. But with these pants, the waist is really weird. The size and comfort in the legs and what not is perfect.. But the waist is really tight! Unfortunatly I carry all my fat in the belly (muffintop, spare tire) area. It's really annoying! And so these pants are just good enough to be able to button and wear but they rest right on the fattest part of my stomach! So they kinda dig into my fat a little bit.. It's really uncomfortable...
But like I said, I'm not upset about the bigger size. I was prepared to have to do that. And I guess it's my way of using it as motivation. I don't want to have to go up another size and I would love to feel accomplished and get some wiggle room in these while in the process of going down a whole size.
So yea, not really mad and surprisingly not discouraged. Just uncomfortable.
Here's to beating the war with my pants...
Friday, January 20, 2012
I am just so mad at myself!! I don't understand why I can't do this! I don't understand why I even let myself get like this! I hate that I have been such a lazy person all my life! If it weren't for basketball all my life until I graduted high school I would have looked like this a lot sooner.. I just hate it! I hate that as soon as basketball was over I didn't force myself to keep in shape. Even during basketball I never felt in the best of shape. Most days I would be tired after just 2 drills....
Everytime I have gone to Mcdonalds (in just the last week alone) why can't I have the will power to not go?!?!?! I do good for a day or so with eating what I have at home and making good decisions but somehow I always manage to make bad choices and then once I cave in (which I always do) and have fast food once then I can't stop!
I have nights like this (when I'm sitting here at work where I can't get up and take advantage of being pissed off and motivated) far too often! I do this on again/off again thing too much!!! I know I know I gotta just make myself do it, and I do, for a little while. Then I fall for eating cookies as if they are the last cookies on earth and if I don't eat them right then and there I'll never have a cookie ever again. Which may be a good thing but I never can say no! I get off my butt and do some kind of excersice one day then the next I'm tired from work or from the workout the night before and I convince myself that I don't wanna waste the time I have or just come up with some excuse! WHY CAN'T I DO THIS????? I know it's not suppose to be easy, I know it takes patience and dedication and a whole life change... But I just can't seem to stick with it!!! I feel like a failure with how many times I have gotten to this point! The idea of putting motivation pictures up everywhere and buying nothing but chicken and turkey burger and salad stuff and all healthy stuff but nothing seems to get in the way when I am craving a whole package of oreos! I always sink as low as using some of my gas money to be able to go buy those oreos!! I'd have SO MUCH MONEY if I didn't go to Mcdonalds or Taco Bell or Zips!
...I hate that i break down and start crying while getting ready to go out and celebrate my fiance's 21st birthday, a night that should be all about him, because I have no clothes that fit... I hate that I look down and see rolls sticking out over my work pants (that I can't even button).. I hate that I can't workout one night nice and hard and see a difference already.. I hate that junk food can't just dissappear so I don't have to try to make the right decision,... But worse of all I hate that me looking like this is my fault.. I feel so foolish complaing when it is all my fault.. No one else's. And yet I still fall into this pattern, everytime. I wish I could be like ok, this is it. From here on out I'm doing the right thing... I just wish it were that easy.
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