Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Man! Today I lounged in bed, not feeling all too great. I stumbled out of my room this morning to pour some cereal for the boys and because I actually was a bit hungry, I ate some myself. I snacked on a few crackers and an apple later in the afternoon. By noon I was feeling much better and made myself some lunch, helping myself to a portion of the edamame I'd given my son for lunch.
And then I went to track everything and let me tell you what... IT ALL ADDS UP! What I would have considered "practically nothing," if you had asked me estimate all came to a grand total of 1100 calories! Holy canola, I guess somebody's getting on the treadmill after the boys are in bed this evening!
I hope that someday I learn how to look at food and think "yes, this is plenty," instead of "ACK! Give me MORE!" But until that day, I guess I'll be using the tracker!
Monday, February 17, 2014
New commitment: I'm going to blog every day. Even all I have to say is "I'm tired," or "I stayed in my calorie range," or even (gasp) something non-related to weight loss.
I find that blogging is like my own community board. I tend to get lost in those groups, with so many people responding I forget who's who... or worse, if nobody responds I just feel lonely. I like blogging better: it's more direct and more personal.
AND when I blog, I tend to stay on track.
So there. There's my blog for today!
Friday, February 14, 2014
Okay, as expected, it was a shinola weigh-in.
Since joining SP in December, I have lost 2 pounds, gained a pound, lost a pound, gained 2 pounds, lost 3 pounds, gained a pound, lost 2 pounds, gained a pound, etc.
So I officially weigh 2 pounds less than I did when I started 2 months ago, up a pound from last week's weigh-in, and it's hard not to feel discouraged.
No, I didn't track perfectly last week... but I didn't binge! I ate salads! I got on the treadmill! I really loathe to think that the only life I will have from here on out is one where I have to run to my laptop every 4 hours after (or before) I've eaten. I'm okay with tracking as a tool as long as I feel confident that I can fade it out eventually and eat intuitively; I really don't want my permanent future to be filled with calorie-counting.
I've maintained this weight for years and years without tracking calories. It is VERY tempting to just throw in the towel, accept that this is where my body "wants" to be, and stop logging in. But I know that's not what I REALLY want, because I am now constantly asking myself:
Was the old way really working?
I would love for it to NOT take 6 months for me to get my weight loss to actually START. But it's sort of looking like that's a possibility. I'm not sure if what's better: to accept that I keep making mistakes (or more like the same mistake over and over again) and forgive myself, or to just stop making the darn mistakes. I mean, of COURSE I know which one is better... but not making mistakes is obviously not in the cards for me.
I guess the good news is that I feel markedly less angry with myself than I have after every other bad weigh-in, and that I have, as of this morning, started tracking everything I eat. Again.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
I can't say I've been the BEST at tracking this week, so I am (reasonably) anxious for my weigh-in tomorrow. Without using this as an excuse to simply regress to my old choices, I'm going to sleep tonight with these thoughts in my head:
-This is a long journey. It's OKAY if it takes a while to reach my destination. I mean, it would be awesome to get there tomorrow, but I know that's not how this works. This is a transition into a new lifestyle, and as long as I keep logging in to spark people, recognizing my patterns, and slowly changing my behaviors, I am on the RIGHT track.
-I went to a pizza party this week and had 2 halves of different slices; in the past, I would have eaten 3 or 4 pieces plus dessert.
-I got on the treadmill when what I really wanted to do was get in bed.
-Every time I think I'm ready to track less diligently (i.e. every time I tell myself I can stay within calorie range without tracking), I find myself lost: I don't like the guessing part of how to feel at the end of the day, and I KNOW I am capable of tracking. I'm not ready to stop tracking, and that's okay.
-I am strong and beautiful. I am not the first person in the history of the world to face the problem of overeating; I don't have to feel ashamed or isolated if I don't want to.
The funny thing is that when I write these lists, I find myself switching between first and second voice. Sometimes I think "You are strong!" This strikes me as curious, because I feel like the narrator in my head is shifting, in a good way. When I start to say, "I suck!" the second-person voice pipes in immediately, "Don't even go there. You know you don't." And it's true.
So, good weigh in or bad, I'm still here!
Friday, February 07, 2014
A good weigh in! I sort of "cheated" by weighing myself two days ago, hoping that I would see ANY evidence that being on track was moving me the right way on the scale... but now that it's my official weigh in day, the evidence is present: I lost 2 pounds!
Do I expect to lose 2 pounds ever week? Of course not. Am I stoked that, having been back to SP since mid-December, that I'm finally 4 pounds lighter? YEEEEEESSSSSS.
And these 4 pounds don't feel tenuous and fragile. It doesn't feel as though I was holding back a dam, and that as soon as I breathe the old ways will just come flooding back. In fact, it feels quite the opposite: I feel that because of my struggles and my willingness to get back on track after all those ups and downs, my willingness to recognize my patterns and finally do something about them, I am MORE capable of staying on track now.
In other words, it doesn't feel as if those 4 pounds are waiting in the wings, ready to attack at any moment! It feels as if they're history, an older version of me, while the new me strides confidently toward eating better and getting fit.
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