The nightmare of Irresponsible Parents

Sunday, May 19, 2013

I¡¦ll try to keep this short(er) and I know that many people here are around the age of my parents so I think your advice and insight might be worth it. I ask you to forgive me if I come off sounding like a bad child.

My Mom just turned 50 and my Dad is 52 both are working but never have enough to pay their bills (no CCs but always delinquent.) Neither have any retirement nor savings. They are divorced. My Father has tax debt and likely other debt we don¡¦t know about¡ he's bipolar and makes terrible decisions, he is frequently in new relationships and when this happens he totally cuts himself off from my everyone for months at a time. My Dad was very emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up. His health is not good because of years of alcohol abuse but who knows if he has any serious health problems (not the sort to go to the doctor ever.) He doesn¡¦t care about me and I am ok with that. He is under an illusion that should he get sick the tribe will take care of him.

I will not. I will not even spend my own funds to bury this man when he passes.

My Mom is not bipolar but has horribly low self-esteem. She is about 130 pounds overweight for her height. She held a part time job when married to my Dad (who was far better off then in every way) but for the last 8 years she has been in a relationship with another alcoholic abuser. This man binge drinks 3-5 days a week and when drunk is horribly emotionally abusive to her. But she can't leave she cannot afford to live on her own and even though she treats her terribly she often defends his behaviour or says something dismissive like I never hear it!¨ I *hate* this man for being so mean to her accusing her of not working hard enough or being a bad cook or otherwise just being a sexist POS.

My Mom being so overweight is a huge health risk. She already has high blood pressure and recently just suffered gout. Her Mother was very sickly and died young (around 50) of breast cancer a year before I was born. That being said my Mom refuses to go the doctor for anything. She has no insurance or savings of any kind and I fear that age + health she is a ticking time bomb.

What the hell is she (my brother & I) going to do if she gets so sick she cannot work, has no savings and no health insurance? When I ask her she starts literally screaming at me saying she isn't going to live thinking like that.

Today I tried again to talk to her about getting started on better health pathway. I think if she first starts watching what she eats/working out maybe 3x a week she would lose major weight and other good things will fall into place. This is what happened to for me. How does she react? Screaming for me to stop trying to control her life. She calls me a snob and a bitch. She does this a lot.

This bitch ordered flowers and had them sent to her work last week for Mothers Day.
The horrible thing is, I am starting not to care. I am going through a lot now with my job/move.

Alcohol, irresponsibility and this sticking one's head in the sand made my Brother's/my childhood miserable. to I realised a couple of years ago that the only reason things were slightly better when I was a child is likely because my Mom owed a lot of money to my Grandparents.

My Brother has two small kids and works a lot. He is a good man, BUT he NEVER calls her and I am starting to wonder if work is only an excuse.

I am leaving to begin a my dream job soon and some days I just feel like cutting her off completely. I am leaving the country indefinitely and cannot give up my job for anything. I am looking to move into the next phase of my life soon: continued career, perhaps marriage and child in my 30s but how can I have my own family when my parents even try won't take care of themselves?

I want to do what my brother has pretty much done, but the reality is---she has been so mean to me the older we get. I *LOVE* her and want her to be healthy/happy. Some questions advice we could use:

-How can I best approach my Brother about at least calling my Mom more (like once a month) and encouraging her to life healthier? I don¡¦t want him to be mad at me but he isn'¦t being much of son.

-What would happen if my Mom got an illness such as cancer and had no means to pay her medical bills or support herself? Is there an insurance that we should look into? That I should look into for myself (keeping in mind I will be abroad.)

-If you could tell me I am not the only one with circumstances like this, it would be great.

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Incredibly happy!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I am skeptical of metaphysics and self-help that advocates surface positive thinking; but as you know ( previous entries) I have struggled with severe anxiety most of my life and this has been exasperated by lengthy international job contract searches and negotiations. I am not a negative person but the nature of my stressful living situation + anxiety twists most thoughts in this direction so I must take meaningful steps to change this.

Yesterday I wrote this:

"Soon I will become a positive, valued teacher and co-worker. This vocation is so important and precious that naturally it will take time to be sorted.

I deserve this position and it has now come to me through diligence, ambition and passion for education. I am appreciated not only for who I am on paper but also proven through my expertise and actions.

I know that I am and will continue to be a big blessing to my colleagues and the children I teach. My duty to myself and this vocation is to keep learning, preparing and remaining positive for this position. I ask the powers that be (God) and my ancestors to bless this process and dream. May we come together and make great things happen."¨

The thing about positive affirmations is that you are *supposed* to believe them but of course this is easier said than done.

My anxiety has a tendency to crush me so I got into the habit of checking email right before I go to bed so I could avoid no news all day and dream about a response the next day.
Yesterday I checked my email to find a formal contract and job offer. Wait VORBEI!!!

I have obtained the dream job! This position/place I have been envisaging of working for even before I graduated with my MA in May 2011. I applied twice over the course of three years, most recently in October. I saw there was a still a demand in February and got a little mad. I fit the ideal candidate portfolio so I sent an email asking if there was something wrong with my qualifications.

I found out I had been accidently overlooked and they were so apologetic. I went from crestfallen that the dream job didn't want me to being fast tracked through interviews, qualification checks in a matter of weeks. Other job possibilities were looming but I WANTED THIS.

...and I still had to wait and wait. Yes, I had to send an email for follow up on Monday after three weeks of post interview wonder.

I'll keep this journal short and sweet but I believe that the take away from this story is simple: be brave enough to ask for what you want keep improving/expanding your skillset in the meantime. Seek advice when you need it. If you can, make yourself an irresistible candidate. Yes, my degree is great, my ambition great but the fact that I worked in a newly founded Kindergarten in Russia and speak German made me *irresistible.* The email began yesterday with: we definitely want to hire and welcome you.

If I had not sent that secondary email in February I would still be wondering.

I thank you all for your prayers and well wishes, I pray for many people here and many people I know and I know good energy makes all the difference.
****
I still need your prayers. We now begin the bureaucratic processes of obtaining residency and work permits. I do see a trip or two to the German consulate in the near future. German bureaucracy while not corrupt dots every j and crosses every t. There is a tendency for over exactness, including myself, with Germans. This could take a couple of weeks or months. I could be rejected the first time or I could need some obscure piece of paperwork.

I will commence my new position in August or September in the Greater Frankfurt area! I look forward to continuing to being a part of the great German Kindergarten tradition. Some of you may know that the concept of Kindergarten began in Germany. I find it an incredibly inspiring history and follow foundational pedagogical principals to this day. Some of you might also know that the very first Kindergarten in the US was established in Wisconsin by German immigrants. My Mother is a Wisconsin Bavarian.


{A sign in Bad Blankenburg Germany marking the first Kindergarten, taken on a nerdy pilgrimage in July 2012!)

For those who might be wondering: I think I must be in some sort of shock¡KI am exhausted and happy but not teary eyed---yet.


{Kazan Russia April 2012-Planting our Indoor Garden, gardens a huge principal of the original Kindergarten.}

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{A bit of teacher humour...my Mom knows I can't do math...}

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Crippling anxiety

Monday, April 22, 2013

Your brief words of encouragement and comfort would be wonderful at this moment.
I have become a prisoner to my anxiety, unwanted negative thoughts coming from anxiety and its been gnawing away at my days (about two weeks.)

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (panic attacks) and OCD when I was 20 years old. I wake up in a state of panic now and often find myself shaking/ ‘panicked’ breathing throughout the day, I am having trouble even exercising (it doesn’t seem to help much but does get accomplished.). I find myself sometimes in tears with the sensation of needing to crawl out of my skin.

This was very much under control…

Until I began interviewing for my dream teaching job about a month ago. I needn’t go through the story again (it’s in other blog entries) but I have badly wanted this job for three years and now I am so close, passed my second interview and patiently awaiting what comes next---I have been waiting for two weeks and that is feeding a great deal of my extreme angst. In many fields two weeks would mark a critical point of perhaps concluding it isn’t happening; in my case where so much needs to be verified/approved by various entities quite possibly not but HORRIBLE negative outcomes plague my mind.

I can’t help it. This job search has been so arduous, so painful and disappointing and now to be so close but have the imprints of all the past disappointment/disillusionment are causing me current, unbelievable pain.

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Checking in from Austria

Thursday, April 04, 2013

Hello everyone,

I trust everyone had a nice Easter holiday. I just wanted say Grüße Gott or hello from Austria where I have been relaxing, tourist-ing and speaking German for the past two days. I also got a chance to spend a day in Brussels Belgium too---mmmm waffles.

First things first: I got an email from my soon-I-hope supervisor saying he is on vacation too until the 8th. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that a.) It shows that he knows time is of the essence b.) is extemely thoughtful and professional---funny enough I fly back from London on the 9th so I can only pray I come back to the USA to find good news.

You might be wondering how health and fitness have been for the last fortnight or so. A voltage adaptor that didn't fit in England meant that I had to do away with my workout DVDs but to compensate I have been doing A LOT of walking.

According to my bodymedia each day I have been gone I haven't done less than 15k steps a day or exercised less than two hours. Even when you are away making fitness a priority is a very deliberate choice. In England that meant walking around one of the many popular parks in the city such as Hyde Park. In one day I even walked 9 miles! Here in Vienna I walked for around three hours at Schonbrunn palace and its beautiful gardens. This is apparently a very popular outdoor fitness spot in Vienna as I saw so many runners in their gear!

Of coruse the overall European lifestyle lends itself to 'built in fitness.' As I have discovered in the past tendency to walk everywhere, use public transport, eat smaller and slower meals means that you see a hell of a lot less obesity in Western Europe than in the USA. England is somewhat of an exception as many people have a weakness for take away.

I have noticed, even without tracking, that I am probably taking in about 600 calories more a day here than in the USA. That being said I am constantly on my feet and find myself noticably hungrier here. Could this have something to do with overall increased calorie burn? For instance on April 2nd my Bodymedia indicates I burned almost 3000 calories which is double than what I would burn at home (without excercise.)

Already this week I have burned 4300 calories in exercise according to Bodymedia---which is double what Sparkpeople suggests!

My eating has been only 'ok.' As anticipated I am eating a lot more bread here but it is of superior taste and quality. In England I enjoyed a lot of Lebanese take away and Indian foods. I am neither making the worst or best choices.

I am not sure what to do think. If I find I lose weight I will be happy, but while away my only goal is to maintain the weight I saw before I left. I do plan to do a week or so detox of fresh fruit, vegetables and a ton of water when I get back but for now.... I want more brot und milch reis!

Samantha

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London Conundrum!!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Hello everyone,

Greetings from London! I have been here a week now and what a crazy week it has been-as one opportunity seems to have imploded (the family is *insane*;) the other what I have been calling my ‘dream job’ is in the palm of my hand. …That is to say I did my second interview yesterday and once again It went really, really well, no official offer granted yet because the person I interviewed with does not have that jurisdiction.

In 2004 shortly before I first came to London to live for the summer as a 20 year old undergraduate intern, I was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. As the daughter of an alcoholic (whose parents were divorcing at the time) I had suffered up until that point in one degree or another but as things and years went by that settled.

It’s 2004 again!

On the extremely happy end of things it truly feels like this job I have been vying for 2+ years will come true. I am not an HR expert, but you better believe my OCD fueled readings of job advice boards and overall sense of human interaction/intuition my chances look fantastic. I CAN’T STOP thinking, wondering and praying over this and I really want to because it is driving me mad.

These next couple of days are going to be agonizing the offer which I can almost taste is not likely to come tomorrow Good Friday, the weekend or even Easter Monday. Not to mention if their intentions are good there are people to check back with in Germany and probably some other logistical stuff. Yes, I sent my thank you emails and have firmly planted myself as a confident, well trained, ambitious candidate and I have to let it take its course but this is so HARD!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH, please put me out of my misery already!



I don’t want to bog down this blog with too much negativity because overall I am in such a grateful and anticipatory state. …But I have to give a bit of space to what has become of my governess trial---the whole reason I am in London this time around.

As my previous blog mentions the original plan was to come here, live with a family from an Arab gulf state and see if I might be a suitable *governess* for the two daughters. For those of you who are not familiar a governess is a teacher and/or academic tutor, in this age most governesses are highly skilled speaking several languages and carrying degrees/experience in education…like me.

If the child(ren) are younger some nannying is likely required. Not in this case as the children are two bilingual, IB International school educated teenagers who need academic support. …so that is what the mother said she wanted.

I don’t want to waste too many of my words on these people so I’ll make what could be a long drama succinct. She said she wanted me to bond with them but the daughters were so conceited they wouldn’t talk to me, look at me or even open the door when I arrived at the home…and I tried. This became even harder because she asked me to stay home and clean their rooms when we could have been outside ‘bonding.’ She said she wanted an educated, worldly governess to academically support them but screamed at me and accused me of being a disappointment on the second day saying the daughters didn’t like me (as if they knew me, the entire day I spent with them they played ‘too cool’ around their friends. )
Earlier that day I had seen the most incredible tantrum ever thrown by a *teenager* ever: screaming, whaling, throwing stuff, hitting things… I knew Russian four year olds with more composure.

For a property worth millions the house was so untidy…things strewn about everywhere, numerous shopping bags lying about, shoes and purses purchased for more than our monthly pay checks any which place, medicines left dripping off tables! Did I mention I also know Russian three year olds that I taught to clean up after themselves?

I realized on the second day that I was standing in an exquisite home populated by a family that because of their immense wealth were able to live in a world in which they had no sense of responsibility or care for even the slightest things and an enormous sense of entitlement. People become objects to collect and disregard too. Couple this with a the fact that they come from a very paternalistic state where even I as a foreigner would need a permission from a male relative to visit and a man to guarantee my bank account…you can see what happens. Immaturity + money… .

Does any of this shock me? No because I spent the last year around Russian billionaires. In one way I have learned a lot from this experience and that in itself is important.

I never had a chance. The Mother kept me at home and the daughters wouldn’t acknowledge my presence anyway. That being said I promised myself to do to the trial in full as scheduled. Mom had another idea out of nowhere two days ago she said “this isn’t working!” and threw me out. Fine. …Yet now she is toying with myself and my agent as we are both owed agreed wages! She wants me to leave where I am staying but why should I? She said I was going to be living in when in reality I have been in a hotel since arrival. I hope this gets sorted soon!

…So now you see the London conundrum in one way I am extremely happy, in another sad/angry but nonetheless relieved and all around SUPER ANXIOUS! This weekend cannot go fast enough, my time in London cannot go fast enough (it’s a great city with a very special place in my heart but I am not a tourist this time around.)



…So please I will keep you in my Good Friday thoughts and prayers, please keep me in yours that all has a great resolution soon.

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