RYANHE's Recent Blog Entries

Weight Loss and Life

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

So I have been incredibly struggling with this weight loss thing for actually my entire life!! When I joined spark I thought I would do really good, but have not. And I have been trying to figure out why. Yes of course I would like to blame it on Spark and the environment, my job, my family life, my friends or lack there of...but come on in reality it is me and also in reality it is HARDER THAN HELL TO LOSE WEIGHT!!! If this was the only thing I had to focus on then GREAT! I would be a rock star and be skinny and pretty...but I have much much more responsibility in my life than just my health.

Nevertheless I try and the scale says a number that is smaller than when I started and then of course the next day it is 2-3 lbs heavier!!! And of course all of that is a disappointment to me and makes me want to give up. But recently as I have been thinking and hearing about new things with weight loss and exercise I think I have finally learned something that many of you who read my blog probably already know...

Weight loss is hard, sometimes it can be a self-defeating thing and it also can be something that I lose at quite often...it is also a journey for every single person and NO ONE loses weight the way someone else does. i.e there is a spark member who has claimed to lose 13 lbs in 2 weeks!! Well 1. he claims he is very strict on his diet and exercises (i think) to the extreme, and 2. he is a man!! ALL women know that men just have it easy and can lose much more weight at one time than a woman can.

The other thing I learned.... is seeing a ton of weight loss banners that say join this program or that program and you can lose 150 lbs!!! Then you see the tiny writing that says "*Results not typical" so basically I have come to the conclusion that the weight loss programs out there are doing false advertising!! :) LOL!!!!

It would be great if I could just eat someone elses food products and look like a queen in just a few months but it won't happen!! It would be great if I could be like the other spark member and have all the time in the world to focus just on ME, but that isn't going to happen either! It would be great if I could even just figure out a diet for myself and an exercise routine that I can ACTUALLY do and accomplish...and I hope that I can get that figured out...

Nevertheless if you gain a lb one week or lose 20 the next getting healthy and staying healthy is hard work and when you have to do it on your own and you don't even have a doctor to help you etc. its just gonna have to be hard!!! Doesn't mean that I don't try but it also doesn't mean that I beat myself up if I make a mistake or am not perfect at a meal!!

I am not happy with myself and my weight at all and I full on admit that... I just have to learn to be ok alone and do this on my own!! I think the journey has started with all the realizations that I have had lately...now its up to me to make a plan and move forward.

Thanks for reading!! :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RISSATRAIN 1/14/2009 12:10PM

    Men totally suck with their fast metabolisms. Its like some cruel joke from mother nature.
The work is hard and some times its so frustrating when you think your doing everything right!
This is why I can't weigh myself everyday. The fluctuations are to defeating and confusing.
I hope you find success and motivation today!

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BootCamp with Coach Nicole

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Today was day one of the bootcamp and I did the video which kicked my butt!!! However it was good for me to do it.

Starting: 270 lbs

Before picture


Say "BYE BYE " Elmo...and something else

Thursday, January 01, 2009

I still just laugh at that stupid little toy that I got, again as a 36 year old ADULT..(I had to add that!!) I have a neighbor whose daughter gave birth to a little baby boy about 6-8 months ago. So I have decided that when I she comes down to visit "grandpa" (thats what we call her dad) that I am going to walk my behind over to the house and say "Here is a gift that I got for Christmas, and its obvious that I don't need a Pizza Elmo, so could you give it to the baby please!!!"

Onto another thing that made me laugh so hard!!! I have a web page that I have set to 'private' because I have an ex-friend that will not leave me alone! She is a very mental person and oh my if Karma is real then she has a whole bathtub and then some FULL of SH** coming back to her...and hopefully sooner than later!! :)

Thats mean but sorry she is basically the devil!!! Anyhow... I have noticed that my profile views keep going up and I know it is her because she is the only one (other than whomever reads this blog) that knows about my webpage...cause she was right there when I created it!

So I didn't want her looking at the picture of me smiling.....so I downloaded a picture of an engagement ring and put that up as my profile image!!! :) When she looks at it again it will start a slew of rumors and gossip from her that I personally think will be funny because it will make her look like a donkey...and the thing that is funny 1.5 years AFTER I ended this friendship....she still calls me and wants to talk....I just don't answer the phone and she obviously doesn't get it that its over!!

Here is the picture I posted to play games with her!!!


When the dog barks

Monday, December 29, 2008

Growing up in my family was rather difficult, with deaf parents, abuse, siblings with epilepsy, asthma etc. Food was scarce because my ex father refused to properly support the family that he helped create. Most of the time we had corn meal mush for breakfast, fried corn patties for lunch and corn bread and soup (if we were lucky) for dinner. When there was money given to buy food we could not get enough of it, although most of the meals were casseroles so that my mom could stretch the money as far as possible.

My grandparents (mom's parents) would help as much as they could but they did not have a lot of money. One day when I was in kindergarten my mom came to get me from school and said "Grandma is here and she is taking us to McDonald's for lunch." The only comment out of my mouth was "Can I have my OWN french fries?" Eating out was something that NEVER happened in my family.

As my parents divorced and there was more money and food, the stress of the divorce, the abuse etc. was handled (I didn't know at that time) by putting food in my mouth...i.e chips, soda, my mom would make home made cookies, cakes, sweet rolls etc.

I never learned portion control and would eat until my stomach hurt or I would get sick!! Most of the time it was eating, and TV watching...only exercise was more than likely when I had to go outside for recess in elementary school.

Well trying to learn a new lifestyle, to not stuff my mouth when I am stressed, understand portion control, how many veggies and fruit to eat, with how much protein etc. is something that is new to me, as well as being insulin resistant the carbs are not very good for me...not in excess!! Throughout the day today I have listened to my dog barking constantly, he has been taken outside and sometimes that has worked but most of the time he has been barking I have heard my sister go to the dog closet and get him some food. So, basically she is teaching him the exact same thing that we were taught to do from small children (when life is hard and stressful stuff your face with things that make you feel good)...."when the dog barks put food in his mouth!!"

It amazes me how quickly he has picked up on the fact that if he barks, then he will get food even if it is just couple of pieces!!!

I have been overweight from a very very young age, I was overweight when I started kindergarten and that was at age 4!!! I don't remember the scale at any time in my life ever being in the downward position with the numbers...I am now 36 years old and wish I was not 270 lbs!! I wish I was a tall beautiful, blonde hair, physical woman who weighs about 120 lbs!!!

Well I guess I can dream about that, but I know I will never get to look like that...what the lesson is...... is that eating styles are "Learned Behavior." As a baby when I cried the pacifier was stuffed in my mouth to shut me up, as a toddler food was given to me to shut me up...as I continued to grow up, I also grew out thinking that it was NORMAL to always have food in my hands as well as in my mouth and sitting on the couch watching TV, now that I am morbidly obese, single, older and learning about my health what I need to focus on is changing this once was normal behavior to NEW normal behavior... And....

Just because the dog barks doesn't mean food always has to go in his mouth!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KACEY08 12/29/2008 11:02PM

    Heidi, you're an obviously intelligent woman and certainly courageous. You are choosing to learn from your past without making excuses, despite considerable challenges. That's an admirable asset. Keep at it. :)

Oh, and about the tall blonde physical 120-pound woman part. You are already beautiful. When I was 230 lbs I envisioned myself in about the same words you used. When I got to goal I wasn't any taller, nor were my legs any longer, and I need a tummy tuck......but I'm amazed at how good it feels to really be healthy and active, and you will too!

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RENA1965 12/29/2008 10:57PM

    Welcome to the club, I feel for you as had one of these wonderful childhoods too.. I like to think I learned a few things to be different and better than my parents. I was hopeless at portion control, so enrolled in something like weight watchers, it helped alot. I ate because I had a undiagnosed ADHD and couldn't understand the adults and their childish behaviour full stop. Not getting badly needed mental help, I now have two children whom have ADHD worse than me.. Good luck in your quest Rena..

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Whats a family good for anyway??

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Today is Christmas....should be a good day....today was a day that I wish never existed!! I slept in as I had a really hard night last night. I was having a ton of muscle spasms and finally at 1 AM ended up taking muscle relaxants and a couple of anti-inflammatory pills just to try and get enough relief to sleep. At 9 am I was woken up by the dogs and my sister. (Please understand that although my sister is chronologically 41, developmentally she is 6 years old. ANd I have been her care taker for 13.5 years).

She ended up being sick and ruined the opening of the gifts. Then I went to make Christmas Breakfast and right when we were BEGINNING she vomited all over the place, leaving me to clean up EVERYTHING (She had taken her medication wrong)...I then still had to get dinner in the oven...which happened 3 hours LATE!!

Then later on she was feeling just fine and sat there eating candy all day long and watching DVD's! I was so ticked!!! Then when dinner was ready I put the potatoes, carrots, pot roast and green beans on the table, we sat down to eat and she took 4 bites and said "I have eaten candy all day long so I am not hungry!!!"

I was ticked, why in the heck do I go out of my way to take care of her and try and have a nice day and it just gets ruined!!!

Then while opening presents I was given an Elmo toy... yes you read it right an ELMO!!! I am 36 years old and get so tired of being given baby toys!!! That was given to my by my aunt...she is 63 years old....why do family have to be so rude, cruel and STUPID???!?!?!

I personally think I would be better off without any of them!!!

Just so you can see the proof see the picture!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEADSTRONG 1/1/2009 9:16PM

    Here I was feeling somewhat sorry for myself that again I was alone on Christmas Eve and most of Christmas day. But I see it could be far worse. I think your best option is not to try so hard to please everyone and just try to find the good in life and people. I would take back Elmo, really not sure why your aunt would even think about getting you that, unless she was a bit mental. Focus on yourself more by trying to eat better and exercising. By feeling stronger physically, I think handling the mental challenges will be a bit easier for you. I am hoping that 2009 is your year to shine, Good Luck!

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CAGIRL1961 12/29/2008 8:09PM

    it does sound like you are very frustrated. this year for thanksgiving we went out to dinner and everyone was able to get what they wanted, and neither mom or i had to cook. as for the present, i would take it back also. that is why this is called life. live and learn. next holiday let someone else cook or go out. take it easy. carla emoticon

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NICKI2B 12/29/2008 7:34PM

    Wow! do I feel for you! My friend has been living with me two years in April. She had a breakdown and was suicidal. She is supposed to be getting her own place in the next month or two, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway, enough about my situation.
You are apparently a very generous and loving person or you wouldn't have all of the responsibilities you have. Sounds like maybe you need to find a way to get a break once in a while. The Elmo toy? Take it back. Seriously. You are not obligated to keep gifts that you don't like and are just cluttering up the place. Use the money to get something you like. I have done this a couple of times, and the first time I was very conflicted. Irritated, angry, exasperated. But when I finally took it back and got something that I liked it wasn't so bad. After all, at least that family member thought enough about me to get me something (however inappropriate). So they have no clue who I am. Obviously. I know who I am. You may consider at the next holiday meal to go out for dinner. Alot of people I know are doing that, and then they don't have all of the leftovers around, and a fration of the stress.
Hope your days have been better since Christmas!

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