Wednesday, June 05, 2013
The meeting with my spiritual director this morning was just what I needed. It included a contemplative prayer session in which I felt affirmed & blessed in my need to be alone in my home as part of my long-term healing from the many experiences of anger from those I loved & lived with.
And I got in tons of exercise today--fast walking that really worked me. And I made one of my favorite (batch) dishes, peanut-garbanzo curry.
S & I had a good talk after supper. Turns out that she is more fragile than I realized & has felt pretty insecure around me all along. We agreed that some of it is her own stuff, but there were definitely some statements/interactions that I needed to apologize for. Then I transitioned to the issue of wanting to live alone. I assured her it wasn't because of this incident but that I'd become increasingly aware of my need for solitude. She received it well. Turns out that she had begun thinking of moving out but was picturing next spring, while I'd like it to be sooner, by the end of the summer. Some people in the community she's part of may be moving in October, which would open up a space for her . . . so I told her that if it looks like the best option won't be available till then, she can stay that long. But that's the outer limit, & she said she'd try to work out something before then.
We also agreed that after she leaves she can come back & visit with my kitty Gizmo, whom she's very attached to. Plus the condo association may be willing to pay her for a few hours of work each month on the garden shrubs & the basement vermicompost bins, which she's been getting into shape.
I am feeling hugely relieved & blessed. Big thanks to those of you who have "listened" by reading & commenting--I so appreciate it!
Monday, June 03, 2013
This is not related to weight or physical health, but I need to think it through & my blog seems a good place to do that. Please don't feel that you have to read this whole thing--though if you do & have some wisdom to share, that is welcome.
Since September 2011 I've had a housemate, S. (Not a roommate--when you each have your own room, that college-era term can be misleading! ) She is a few years younger than me, was divorced long ago & not in a current romantic relationship, goes to the same church (where since last fall she has managed the small office). I offered her the room in my condo when I learned that, because her then-housemate was getting married & S had very little income, she needed a low-cost place to live. I proposed that she pay very minimal rent in $$ (as in just $100/month) & the rest in cleaning/organizing work for me @ $20/hour. She accepted gratefully.
Over the months, with her help lots of cleaning/organizing HAS been done, & my condo is much more pleasant now. We split most groceries & take turns with batch cooking; each of us makes her own decisions about what to fix, but fortunately our tastes are generally compatible. And we eat REALLY frugally but enjoy it--you've seen examples of my dishes here in the What's Cookin' Good Lookin' posts.
And S is a good person, very generous & altruistic. Some things she does get on my nerves, but that happens with anyone one lives with, right? I try to rise above it, saying something only if she's actually being dysfunctional in some way--which she almost never is. We're both quiet & try to be considerate.
But every single time she goes out of town, I am overjoyed. I guzzle the solitude as if it were a spring of water & I were desperately thirsty. I am a little disappointed when she returns. I've been paying attention to this & talked to my spiritual director about it: my responses are telling me that I really prefer to live alone, & eventually I'm going to have to tell that to S & ask her to make plans to find another home. But because she recently told me in a note that she is feeling at home in my place, I've assumed that would be a year or two down the road.
Here's the current issue: Recently S roasted a chicken--not one of my preferred dishes among those she makes, because I like big flavors, & even though S is trying out different seasonings (using a list, "20 Ways to Roast a Chicken") it always comes out pretty bland, which means we just have some chunks of plain chicken on our plates. But that's not a big deal, though maybe she was a little put out that I didn't offer enthusiastic praise for the dish when she served it. What happened was that last night she boiled the carcass with a LOT of water to make broth. Good thing to do--broth is useful. I spent the later part of the evening watching a Netflix film, & eventually she went to bed. When I went to the kitchen to take my nightly supplements, I found that she had left me a note asking me to put the broth in the freezer.
She had removed the carcass, but the broth was still in the stock pot. It didn't make sense to me to put it in the freezer in the pot, so I pulled out a couple of plastic containers with tight-fitting lids & filled them up. Before putting them in the freezer I put labels ("ch broth 6/2") on the lids with masking tape--a practice she asked me to start way back when, so that we always know what's in a container & how old it is. It was quite late & I wasn't pleased to have this sprung on me, but it wasn't a big deal & soon I was off to bed.
This morning when I went to the kitchen to get ready to leave for work, she thanked me for putting it in the freezer & said, "But I didn't expect you to put it in containers."
Me: Well, I wouldn't put a pot in the freezer--then we've have a hassle breaking off chunks of the broth when we wanted to thaw it.
S: It would have been fine--this morning I would have been able to skim off the fat and put the broth into smaller containers.
Me: [??] (thinking, wouldn't the broth be hard-frozen by then?)
S: [sudden flareup] Well, if you weren't so stuck in your ways & sure that you always know the best way to do things, you'd save a lot of time. You waste a lot of time doing things inefficiently.
Me: I don't think I waste a lot of time. [exiting]
Yeah, that was quite unexpected, & I've been reeling from it ever since. As you can see with the example of the labels, I've been flexible & willing to shift gears when something seems important to S. Of course I'm stuck in SOME of my ways--that happens naturally at our ages. I do take on new challenges in my work & my poetry writing, but I'd just rather keep things simple at home.
My own perception is that often S herself complicates things unnecessarily--for example, when she has guests for dinner (which is VERY seldom) she tries to fix numerous separate dishes, all from scratch, & is never finished with the cooking & table setting when they arrive. (This is despite the fact that she works only part time.) Or with this chicken itself the other night, which just involved us, no guests: when I got home from work at nearly 7:30 she had salad made but still wanted to make gravy. So we sat down to eat salad, & then she went back to the stove for maybe 20 minutes & I went off to work at my computer, still hungry. But I would not reproach her for something like this unless it happened on a regular basis; she is doing what she thinks best, & why stir up conflict & unhappiness?
Now she has stirred up unhappiness in me. I lived with people's irritation & anger for all my adult life--both of my ex-husbands' & my daughter's (fortunately she has matured immensely, & anyway we haven't lived together for a long time). And I'm just done with that. I've paid my dues. Plus I'm under some real freelance pressure right now, deadlines looming, & I don't want to make it worse by getting into a prolonged "working it out" discussion.
Of course I have to bring it up, though. SIGH. I was kinda hoping that she'd realize that she was out of line & send me an e-mail or make a phone call in the course of the day. That would make it much easier, but it didn't happen.
I'm wondering whether I should go a big step beyond that & ask her to start making plans to move out. Not because of this one incident, but because (1) her words showed that she has been stewing about my habits more generally & (2) I JUST WANT TO LIVE ALONE. (2010-2011 was the first time in my whole life I had lived by myself, & I just loved it.) Would that be evading Christian community, let alone the basic human value of negotiating a life with others?
My next appointment with my spiritual director is not till July 10. But maybe I'll ask for a special one soon to talk this through.
EDIT TO UPDATE: When I got home tonight, S came out & said hi cheerily as if there were no problem & asked how my day had been. I said not good & explained that her comment had been a really bad way to start the day, because it sounded as if she'd been harboring things.
She looked me in the eye & said, "Well yes, I have."
I told her I couldn't talk about it tonight because I have this deadline looming; she has a meeting tomorrow night, so we agreed on Wednesday evening. She returned to her room, & I pulled together a quick supper for myself & brought it to the living room on a tray; I've been working at my laptop ever since. And I e-mailed my spiritual director & we now have a Wed.-a.m. appointment, thank God.
Because of the way she responded--not even "Oh, I'm sorry" about the little outburst this morning--I'm thinking that it may well be time for her to move on. And just permitting myself a tiny spark of anticipation: that room could become my art studio! And guest room when needed. We shall see!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
A_BIT_AT_A_TIME asked me for a recipe, & I'm glad to share it--I had posted it in Sparkrecipes quite a while back:
It's infinitely adaptable. Currently I reduce the walnuts & pecans & include some chopped Brazil nuts & some sesame seeds. I never get tired of this breakfast!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
As of the end of the second week, I have lost 3.2 lbs! I am not FEELING slimmer yet,so I was a bit apprehensive when I weighed myself this morning. But I ate within range all this week (going just a tad over last weekend) & surpassed my exercise-minutes goal (a good portion of it with challenging routines). And whaddya know, it paid off.
I am going to give some credit to the vegetarian vindaloo I made last Sunday. I ate it for dinner every night this week (my housemate did too, so as I said, it makes LOTS more than 4 helpings!). It's nice & bulky with all that cauliflower & sweet potatoes & lentils, & provides very good fiber, so with a little brown rice (less than half a cup) & something else on the side (sometimes low-fat cottage cheese + papaya, sometimes just papaya), I felt pleasantly full. The calories are low enough that I was able to have treats--a beer, a glass of wine, or a small bar of Colombian chocolate. So it was a very happy-eating week!
And the longer daylight of this time of year definitely helps. I am enjoying rather than dreading going outside.
The solidarity among Starfish & other SP friends helps, always.
I'm going to LA to hang out with some of my sibs & nieces at the end of July! It will be a VERY short trip, but it's fun to aim toward looking more presentable in my summer clothes by then. I can largely fake it through the winter--I often do the tunic/leggings/boots thing, which is very slimming for me. But summer doesn't permit as much cover-up. Extra incentive!
Also, I'm continually inspired by people on the At Goal + Transition to Maintenance team here on SP. I get to congratulate people on one, two, five, seven, twenty-eight years of maintaining! And lots of tips are offered by these successful losers. It's so encouraging that we really can do this long term. I recommend the team for anyone who is already maintaining or getting close to their goal.
Most of all, I am glad for my decision to ACT ON MY SENSE OF WELL-BEING. What good does it do to be feeling more cheerful if it doesn't energize me to take better care of my body, right? Somehow that internal challenge has been very helpful to me.
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