Wednesday, March 12, 2014
This is supposed to be a blog about my goals for the spring challenge. I am so frustrated and disappointed in myself I do not know what to write.
I went to the store this morning with the intention of buy some larger sized t shirts to wear to the gym. The ones I have are getting too tight.
WHen I started this journey in 2008, and was actually losing weight, I vowed when I gave away my larger sized clothes I would NEVER buy them again. NOw this morning I was on my way to do just that.
I am tired of this cycle. How did I get here again?
I was losing weight with consistency as I began my journey. I was meeting with a dietitian, going to the gym and tracking everything. NOne of that has changed.
What has happened is that my life became full of stress. Family stress. Situations which impacted me but over which I had no control. Even though I was still doing all of the right things, the weight began creeping back on.
Then my dietitian had a baby and quit. Then I had to move away from home to care for my grandson for over a year. My brother died. I could go on and on.
I realize we all have our challenges. I just seem to experience things so personally.
Gradually I started adding things back into my eating that I really should not have. They were comfort foods. SOon I realized I was emotional eating again. I had worked so hard to over come that. It is amazing how easily we can fall into bad habits.
I began seeing a counsellor and my doctor put me on medication to help my depression. Then I added a wellness coach at the gym, in addition to my trainer.
I feel like I have tried everything. I follow everyone's counsel. I track my food and exercise. I visit the gym four times a week. I train for an hour and do an hour of cardio two days a week. I take a stability ball class and a walk and weights class twice a week. I walk my grand dog every day for an hour. I stay within my calorie range. Yet I continue to gain weight.
I am active here on SP. I lead a couple of teams and participate in others. I try to encourage and support my friends here. I am thankful for this site. It has helped me in so many ways.
Yes, I know I am much healthier and stronger than I was in 2008. I could barely walk then, sue to severe back pain. NOw, though I still live with pain, I can walk long distances. I had sever sleep apnea, which has lessened to mild. I can do so much more than I could when I began.
I have returned to my passion, which is photography. I attend workshops to learn more about using my camera. I post a daily photoblog. Photography is my stress reliever. I do it for my own enjoyment. It is one area I feel good about myself.
I say all of this to let myself know that through all of the stress, disappointment and frustration, I am still here. I am determined to overcome whatever obstacles are standing in the way of my weight loss.
1. SO my first goal is to determine what those obstacles are. Then to find solutions to get past them.
2. My second goal is to be honest - with myself. I need to take a good look at myself and find the good in me, as well as what needs fixing.
I will continue to rack, to exercise, to reach out, to drink plenty of water - those are all solid habits.
Now back to the buying bigger sizes - I had to give up on that idea. It would be like saying it is ok to gain more weight. If the shirts are tight, I hope it will motivate me to make them loose again. I am not going to tell myself this weight gain is acceptable. Instead I need to fix the situation in a healthier way.
Thanks for all of your encouragement and support SP friends, and allowing me to be myself on this difficult journey.
Friday, March 07, 2014
I have always struggled with feeling bad about myself. I feel so unworthy of being loved. For Lent, I signed up for a daily email devotional. I like it because it takes a whole new direction of giving things up for Lent.
Today's devotional speaks about giving up the feeling of unworthiness. It really ministered to me so I thought I would share it in case anyone else struggles with this.
If you choose to check it out, please share with me what you think and how, if at all, it helped you.
I asked myself the questions, read the verses, and found some new insights into myself.
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