Friday, December 06, 2013
when running is usually just to finish. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing. I just ran a 5K in less than ideal conditions. The temperature dropped 30 degrees from this morning, I couldn't feel my fingers about 1 mile in, and I'm still carrying 7 pounds that I don't need. My time was 2 minutes longer than it was when I ran this race last year. But I finished.
My last race (14 miler) also occurred in less than ideal conditions. It was misting to raining the entire time. The moon, which was supposed to help illuminate the midnight run couldn't be seen. I finished. In last place. But I finished. I had no choice though.
I suppose that's the thing about races, I feel I have no choice but to keep going. Even if I don't finish with the time I want, I still have to make it back to the starting point/finish line. I try to apply that to my life when I want to quit things that are less than ideal. However, in life, I don't want to end up back where I started...
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Geeked before the race
Geeked after. I had to make a costume change due to a temperature drop and rain.
A week after my 14 mile trail run, and I still haven't written anything. That's the longest distance I've covered to date, and there were hills, and it was dark, and it was raining. I finished last 3h3m, but I finished. After that I figure the flat marathon I have coming up in January will be a piece of cake. I spent most of the time thinking about someone but I had a few deep thoughts out there in the woods. Most escape me now. The one that jumps to mind is that even when it's dark, you have to keep moving. Eventually, you'll come across a glowstick to let you know you're still headed in the right direction.
I sure hope that's true because things seem quite dark right now. I've gained 8 pounds since starting a teaching job. The kids drain the life out of me, so I'm too exhausted to workout or cook after school. I've been stress eating a lot of crap. On top of that, I allowed myself to become smitten with someone who later changed their mind about me. And I've been acting like a damn fool ever since -- texting that I still like them though they very clearly said they want to be my friend. Of course, that's not even in the cards anymore because of how ridiculously I've behaved, but I just couldn't help myself. The whole thing has just illuminated how lonely I am. In the long run, I suppose that will be a good thing. It's forced me to go out to a club or two so far. It also kind of catapulted me into registering for the trail run in the first place. I realized that since I wouldn't be waking up in that person's bed on Saturday mornings, I needed to find some other way to occupy myself. And the idea of a different race every week was born.
I figure if I can do a 14 mile trail run alone in the dark -- one of the other runners told me I was brave to do so -- then I can start putting myself out into the world. However, I feel like I'm too old for clubs. And I don't want to meet anyone that way. But then the question becomes "how?" And then the question becomes "how will I mess it up?" I worry that there is something flawed in me, and that other people become aware of it within 3 week periods and then change their minds about me. Problem is, I don't know what the flaw is. I run half marathons... but I'm still scared of people. But now I'm just rambling. I finished a 14 mile trail run. Yay.
Saturday, November 09, 2013
I ran my 2nd 10K today (they seem to be pretty rare in these parts) and finished under my goal time of 54 minutes. 52:56:09. I didn't make it last year because of a train. I'm 8 pounds heavier than I was then, so the negative voice in my head has decided to fixate on what time I could have had if it hadn't been for that. 14 of 144 in my age division. Top 10%, but the voice in my head is fixated on it not being the top 10. I don't know why I do this to myself... I got my runner's high (and some jambalaya) at the finish though, so that was nice.
Saturday, November 02, 2013
And I feel pretty good about myself. It's only the third time ever I've covered that distance. I'll be ready for the 14 miler in 2 weeks.
12 mile down. And I remember that I am a strong woman. Not the weak little girl I acted like for the past month and a half.
12 mile down. And I can note this as an obvious difference between my 12 year old and my soon to be 28 year old self. (I've been thinking a lot lately about how nothing has changed in the 16 year interim. About how damaged I am emotionally. About how that means I'll always push people away from me... but that's another blog post entirely.)
12 mile down and I feel amazing.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Today I showed myself just how committed I am to this healthy lifestyle thing, and I couldn't be prouder. I'm between cities right now, starting up training in one and finishing work in another.
I rose at 5:30AM to meditate, and then at 6:30AM headed into a 1.25 hour commute for 1.5 hours of actual work. I had planned to stay where I was for a few days because I had errands to run, and I didn't want to do so much driving. (I had already spent at least 2 hours driving yesterday.) However, I had to turn things around to give my sister a ride somewhere. 9She's int eh new city with me as well.) I hoped to make it back to my new city and go for a run at 5 but didn't succeed because of traffic. I also lost some time to having no sense of direction. I picked up my sister around 6:15PM and dropped her off at 6:45PM. The round trip from her location to my home and back would have been 40 minutes and the roads here are hell to drive on. She was only going to be there for about 90, so I decided to just wait in the car. My plan was to get some training-related reading done. However, I was too drained by all of the driving to focus. And I was bumming about not getting in a run and worrying about breaking my measly 10 miles/week streak. If I break that streak, I thought, I'll lose all my motivation. Running/exercise will go out the window. Diet will follow. Two years from now I'll be starting this journey all over again.
Then I thought, I have my shoes in the trunk. Nevermind that I only have yoga pants on me, not running shorts. Nevermind that I don't know how safe the neighborhood was. Nevermind the boys shouting what sounds like "Shake Shake Shake." (The first street I went down wasn't all that great.) Nevermind I have no idea how many miles I would actually run when it was all done. Nevermind.
Not only did I maintain my 10 miles/week streak (I'm on week 19!). I exceeded it by 1 mile. I ran more miles today than I did on other days this week I when I had all the time in the world.
I'll likely start teaching soon. So this is the way I'm going to have to work out for a while, forcing it in no matter what my location or how limited my time is.
Now I'm to off to bed. Kundalini tomorrow morning and then I tackle the real challenge--completing what's supposed to be 40 hours worth of work in a mere 10.
I'm not worried though. I know I can do it. I feel pretty f-ing invincible right now. I'm committed. And so proud of myself!
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