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05/14/2012 - mind hamster of the day

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

My heart's not in the Spark tonight. My oldest son, Colin, did something pretty thoughtless today and I can't shake the aftershock. Back story - It's been 12 years since his dad & I separated/divorced. In those 12 years, I've rarely received a present that wasn't crafted at school, art camp or something like that and I've been very happy with that situation. However, in the last three years he and Logan, wouldn't have done anything if Paul hadn't pushed them to shop and/or actually put some thought into it. That all aside.... on Thursday, I got a phone call from him asking me if I would pick him up at school, take him to DQ for a birthday cake for his dad, and then drive him to his dad's house across town. I asked him if he pre-ordered, asked if his brother was giving him money for it.... all kinds of questions because, after 12 years of not being together, I had ZERO interest in helping that man get anything, much less pay for it, BUT I love my son and I'd move mountains to make him happy. I digress. The second part of the the last 12 years, I've had four Mother's Day Sundays with my sons. Their step-mother once told me that it was just another day, "nothing special" and that, if it fell on their weekend, I wouldn't get them for the day. That first year, when I countered with "what if I denied him spending Father's Day with the boys" she told me that "every day was father's day when they were together" ... has been a) getting breakfasts made for her b) receiving cards AND gifts and c) spending that nothing special day with my sons. Yesterday, as the step-mother was away... I got to spend 6 hours with them. I was over the moon. I was a little disgruntled that they a) didn't buy/make me a card, b) got into a video game battle with their step-sister and c) didn't help at all with supper prep or clean-up BUT I was very happy that they were here and we made a pretty good day out of those few hours otherwise. TODAY, I picked up Colin at school and, on the way to DQ, found out that he intended to borrow the money for the cake from me. He'd pay me back with the allowance that he earned at my house. I was crushed. I felt kicked in the heart. They'd already picked up a present, they were making him dinner and, regardless of whether Colin could see it or not, he was making ME buy my ex husband a birthday cake.
I'm so angry with him, mostly because he doesn't see where he did anything that should have made me unhappy. Despite that, he's apologized several times. I'm also angry with myself because I feel like I'm being petty and jealous.
And then there's just this indescribable ache. They barely recognize my birthday, Christmas or Mother's Day...... I think today I just realized how much they take me for granted.
ok, the hamster wheel is squeaking too loud for me to get any more thoughts down. In any kind of sensible matter anyway.....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CASSIOEPIA 5/16/2012 10:17AM

    After sleeping on it, I also thought of this: When they are with you, they feel safe enough to be able to ask for your help with cakes/things for their father. Obviously, they don't have that luxury when they are with the other parent, or they would be asking Dad to buy a cake for YOU. You provide them with a safe place to be, safe enough that they can ask for things that are difficult.

I'll bet they aren't afforded the opportunity at Dad's house to work on things for you.

You are a great Mom. Never doubt that, even when things are not the way they should be.

Love ya, and hope you are having a better day.

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LIZZYP609 5/16/2012 8:26AM

    emoticon I wish I had some great advice for you. I don't. I know how it feels though even though the kids Dad and I are still together.
I have a feeling the boys know exactly what is "expected" of them from their dad. Maybe they think you don't have those same expectations or it isn't a big deal one way or another.
Don't ever feel bad for your feelings. Own them, deal with them and do your very best to worth through them. emoticon

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CASSIOEPIA 5/15/2012 9:54PM

    Love the advise and support already given.

I hurt for you Penny. Those "special" days bring emotions front and centre, no need to feel petty. When you hurt, it's real.


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PRIZM96 5/15/2012 12:25PM

    Oh Sweetie, you aren't being petty at all. First of all, let me give you a big emoticon emoticon
I agree with the wise words of the girls before me. Moms just often get the crappy end of the stick and it just plain sucks. I totally agree with the fact that it's ok to let them know about it too. Help them understand your point of view. They'll get it, but they may need a little push.

I hope a smile reaches your face soon. :-)

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    Penny-I have tears reading this blog! Wish I had some advice but I have lots of big hugs coming your way! emoticon

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ROUNDTOWNMOM 5/15/2012 6:06AM

    Ah, Penny..........I so agree with OneBusyMom! I'm going to add, however, a bit of a perspective as a divorced mother.

I have 2 older children......DS is 24 1/2 and DD just turned 28. Their father and I have been divorced for 10 years. In the beginning, while they both were older, they had some interesting takes on things from two different standpoints. They both love me without any doubt, but they both tried desperately to please their Dad and to keep him in their lives in one way or another. Yep, a step-mom entered the picture (and had been in the picture longer than I knew), but she was a very distant step-mom and still is. She has no idea what to do with kids no matter what their ages............and they are both fine with that. It's their Dad.......... DS and his Dad had a major "falling out" and they've not spoken now for somewhere around 6 years. DD, however, is a different story. Acceptance is everything to her, and she has yet to feel like her Dad accepts her as she is. So, while I'm the one closeby, (they live now in Kentucky - we're in Ohio), and while I"m the one who is the "do-er", he's the one she gets most concerned about "pleasing'. I am the recipient of cards (when they both can afford them!) and surprise planning................but that comes with age, I think. They have both gotten more thoughtful in those realms than they were in earlier years.

In our society, for whatever reason, we don't seem to think it's ok to talk about those things with our kids that hurt. We encourage them to talk to us and let us know what's going on, but we don't let THEM see the "human" side of us. Your boys love you beyond what you know. They are *boys*, however, and you need to help them *learn* to be thoughtful..................otherwi
se they will take you, and perhaps in later years, their wives/significant others for granted and not realize that they're doing something hurtful. It's encouraging that Colin apologized to you................ now help him *understand* the hurt.......not just see it.

emoticon Wish I could give you this in person!

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ONE*BUSY*MOM 5/15/2012 2:29AM

    Oh, Penny, you aren't being petty at all. You're their mom, and like most moms, you probably bust your butt doing everything you can for your kids. Of course you deserve some recognition and appreciation, especially on special holidays like your birthday, Mother's Day, and Xmas. And then to hear that their stepmother is getting pampered on what is rightfully your day, well, that would break my heart as well.

It sounds like you can't negotiate with their dad & stepmother to have your sons on Mother's Day, but can you talk to your sons about how you are feeling? While they seem generally unaware that they are hurting you, the fact that Colin did apologize today indicates that he's not totally oblivious and how you feel does matter to him. Maybe a heart to heart with your sons is all they need to realize that they've got to start showing you that they love and appreciate you, which I'm sure deep down they do.

Believe me, I'm not a traditional Asian mother, but in that controversial book "Confessions of a Tiger Mom", there was this one incident where her kids threw together a crappy card for either her birthday or Mother's Day, and she told them, "I reject this. I work hard for you, so the least you can do is put some effort into this one day of the year for me." And so they did. While I definitely don't agree with her philosophy on child-rearing, her response in this situation did strike me as fair. Likewise, I think it's fair for you to expect a little more out of your sons. And I think it's okay to tell them that.

And remember, you're a GREAT mom. Your boys and Roo are lucky to have you.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/15/2012 12:13:16 PM

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PLAN & Friday's results

Saturday, May 12, 2012

P ~ PLAN healthy food & exercise ahead of time.

I have three weekdays a week when we can have dinner at home, calmly, as a family: Monday, Thursday and Friday. I've printed off three Spark recipes that I am going to attempt to create this week.
Monday - Chef Meg's super fast pork & veggie stir fry. I'll make it with brown rice.
Thursday - Chef Meg's orange miso grilled salmon w/veggies and couscous.
Friday - Coach Nicole's grown up grilled cheese which I'll make with low sodium tomato soup. I have about two hours between picking up my nephew and substitute instructing for the women-only learn to run clinic. Hopefully, this digests well.

L ~ LIFT your rear into gear.

Today I did 24 minutes of stair climbing. Six sets (up & down) of 159 stairs. The last set I chose to climb 3 (single) stairs and then take two at a time 3 times. REALLY got the heart rate up.

A ~ ANNOUNCE on your team chat your biggest time hurdle(s) and your plan to overcome it.

My biggest time hurdle is my six month old baby, Roo.

N ~ NIBBLE your freggies, the original grab and go fast food! Eat 5 (1 cup) servings of freggies each day.

Today I focused hard on this. I had a large banana at breakfast, yogurt w/berries for snack, a small salad with lunch and a bigger salad with dinner.

BONUS for streaking this weekend! Exercise at least 20 minutes each day of the challenge. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BE-THE-CHANGE 5/12/2012 6:26PM


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    YAY!!! this will be a great week,Penny,b/c you're planning!!! guess I should check out some spark recipes...can't say that I ever have. HUGS!

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CASSIOEPIA 5/12/2012 7:33AM

    I'll bet absolutely nobody on your team has a sweeter time hurdle than you! I've been doing more planning lately too, and finding it is so helpful.

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ALYNNSELLNER 5/12/2012 2:17AM

    good job on being prepared for the upcoming week! sounds like you'll be successful!

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Thursday, May 10, 2012

PLAN! To beat the excuse “I don’t have enough time”

“Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”
― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

You are given 24 hours in a day and a choice in how you use those hours. PLAN to participate in your healthy lifestyle journey.

P ~ PLAN healthy food & exercise ahead of time! (100pts one time)

Mark on a calendar your busiest 3 days for the following week. Plan your main meals for those days. Check your pantry for ingredients and mark anything you need on your grocery list to purchase before the week starts.
Mark each day you plan to exercise for the following week. Include the time you will exercise and what exercise(s) you will be doing.

L ~ LIFT your rear into gear! 20-60 minutes of daily intentional exercise. (25pts per 20 min up to 60 min per day)
A ~ ANNOUNCE on your team chat your biggest time hurdle(s) and your plan to overcome it! (100pts one time)
N ~ NIBBLE your freggies, the original grab and go fast food! Eat 5 (1 cup) servings of freggies each day. (50pts per day)

BONUS for streaking this weekend! Exercise at least 20 minutes each day of the challenge.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GAYEMC 5/11/2012 10:22PM

    Have a great weekend!

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BLACKROSE_222 5/11/2012 12:56PM

    I think you have an amazing plan in place, and look forward to seeing how you are doing!

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RUNNINGWILD 5/10/2012 10:16PM

    Good thing the boys are at their dad's this weekend and Roo's too young to be scarred for life, eh emoticon

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CASSIOEPIA 5/10/2012 10:03PM

    emoticon Watch out for that weekend streaking!

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Today, I promise....

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Today, I promise I will not quit.
I pledge that no matter, how many ups and
downs I pass through,
I will continue on my journey.
I pledge to make a NEW START today,
and forgive myself for my past,
and to stop being so critical of myself.
I pledge to take control of myself,
To Stop making excuses,
And stop blaming other people or situations.
I pledge to treat myself as I would my Best
Because that is who I am.
I pledge to stay in the race
and to be a WINNER!

signed: Linda S. Jayne (Geminisue)

signed: Leisa (Sunflowergal40)

Signed: Chris (chriskenandkids)

Signed: Linda (scoutmom715)

Signed: Nancy (tedybear2838)

signed: Yvonne (travelnista)

signed: Ursula (Urleec)

signed: Sandbbar

signed: Sheila (SKFerebee)

signed: Penny (RUNNINGWILD)

****Original from blog of from Linda S. Jayne (Geminisue)


An Amazon is born...

Saturday, April 28, 2012

This is round #19 of the BLC and it's my second time participating. This time, I am an Amazon. An Amber Amazon Warrior. Our first challenge is to Write It, Move It and Plan It. So far today, I'm on a roll. So now I have to put together a plan for the next 12 weeks.
Here it is:
Nutritionally, I'm going to focus on keeping my fruit and veggie intake high. (5+ servings/day). I'm going to continue consuming a minimum of 64 ounces of water a day. I'm also switching Roo to formula (not challenge related, it's just time) so I'm going to work towards reducing my calories to the 1860 that SP recommends.

Physically, I'm going to continue to run three times a week. I'm training for the Scotiabank HM on May 27, 2012. Consistency is key. I intend to add ST and Yoga to my schedule and, I hope, will do at least one class at GoodLife per week. BodyPump & BodyFlow are such awesome classes.

Emotionally, I'm going to work on NOT eating emotionally. I'm not a "I'm so sad, I should eat a box of Oreos" kind of eater. I'm a "if I don't eat that box of Oreos, I'm going to kick someone in the face" kind of eater. In other words, an angry eater. I still can't figure out what my brain thinks that will solve but it takes me from the peak of anger to "Ahhhh" very quickly. From now on, I'll be trying some deep-breathing exercises and leaving the chocolate & potato chips alone.

So, to recap:
- Eat right and within calories
- Keep running as I have been, add yoga and strength training
- Find a better way to deal with my anger. Food is not the answer.

Hopefully, if I do all this, I'll lose 5% of my current body weight (136.5) in the next twelve weeks. FYI, that's 6.8 pounds. We'll call it 7 just for fun.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GAYEMC 4/30/2012 5:04PM

    Good plan! Watch those lbs fly away.

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GLASSART43 4/28/2012 10:25AM

    Great plan! I haven't conquered emotional eating, but less sugar and processed food, and more exercise have reduced it. I really admire your running plan, especially with a baby.

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BARBSDUCK 4/28/2012 8:41AM

    As an emotional eater myself, I can add this:

It doesn't matter which emotions trigger us to overeat, and it's never going to make rational sense. Unconsciously, we are just using the feelings as an excuse to overeat.

So, we can do two things to break the pattern. First, we can take care of ourselves so that we don't get too "Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired." In twelve step groups, they call this the "Rule of H.A.L.T."

Secondly -- since we can't stop ourselves from having feelings, obviously -- we need to break the conditioned response in our heads that says: "oooh! I'm feeling that feeling again, so I better overeat!" With whatever behavior modification we decides works for us, we need to have an emergency plan ready to deal with that thought. Whether it's to drink water, or to exercise, or to journal/talk about the feelings till they pass -- whatever works for us should be our "go to" plan of action when those thoughts pop up.

Of course, I could say "easier said than done!"

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ROUNDTOWNMOM 4/28/2012 8:24AM

    Love the plan........and I know you can do this! I would never thought I'd be saying this, but having given up a lot of processed foods and sugar in general recently, I think Jan is may be on to something. I'm amazed at how different my body chemistry feels and reacts right now.......................

E ARE WARRIORS! emoticon

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FABAT402009 4/28/2012 7:15AM

Great plan and look forward to being on this journey of wellness with you over the next 12 weeks.

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A-STRONGER-ME 4/28/2012 6:26AM

    Good plan!! Is it maybe more a "sugar addiction" than anything else. So many of us are SA's and don't even realize it. Think about giving up all white stuff first - the first 3 days are KILLER, but you will feel so much better. That carb cloud lifts and the world looks so different. Just a thought!

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BE-THE-CHANGE 4/28/2012 6:26AM

    Definitely a frustrated eater here, but I think CASSIOEPIA makes a good point about frustration and anger.

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CASSIOEPIA 4/28/2012 6:06AM

    You go Amazon Woman!

I think that I am not an anger eater, as much as a frustration eater (frustrated because I get angry), so I think they are very similar. Maybe we need professional help!

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