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Confesion time

Friday, June 20, 2014

Okay...'fessing up time. Back in April at a routine doctor's appointment, I brought up a topic that I'd been on the fence about bringing up; the fact that both my parents but particularly my mom kept bringing up anorexia and bulimia.

We chatted for a bit. Talked about my habits etc. Bottom line is I'm not eating enough. Since Christmas I've lost 20lbs and I get EXTREMELY anxious around food. Sometimes I'd make myself throw up. As a result of that she prescribed anxiety pills to take before I eat.

Late May had an appointment. Same thing. She has suggested when I skip a meal-which is frequent when I'm not home much during the day- that I drink a Boost or Ensure (meal replacement).She's called me "unhealthily too thin". And has named this THING as "anorexia- both restrictive and purging".

Over the past month my doctor and I have started texting each other. That started when she said she wanted me to let her know how the pills are going. Now it's about twice a week.

I am always cold. In 23C weather I have a sweater on. People think I'm nuts for it. Tired as well but that could also be due to my getting up around 4-4:30... Sometimes I forget things/ my concentration is low. My parents joke I'm having "senior moments. My exercise time is MY time. My time to de-stress. My time to shine.

I've managed to convince my parents I'm fine. They have not brought it up in a while. Even so my doctor has put a referral in to a hospital that deals with different issues, depression etc. They take people from all over the country though so it could be a year before I get seen.

I don't know. I'm so confused. I feel so lost. Every day is a battle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BE-THE-CHANGE 6/22/2014 7:11AM

    Keep talking to your doctor. I'm glad someone is keeping an eye on you.

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KADULAC 6/21/2014 12:51PM

    It's great that you are talking to your doctor, and that she is taking time to help you through this. emoticon

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PEGGY11 6/21/2014 10:04AM

    It is good that you are seeing a really caring doctor. Take her advice and take care of yourself. You are worth it.

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 6/20/2014 6:48PM

    I'm glad you are getting some help.
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LAFEMMEDELALUNE 6/20/2014 5:20PM

    I am so glad you are taking those healthy steps toward wellness. Maybe your doctor knows of another hospital that will have a spot for you sooner?

Keep moving forward, you are worth it. emoticon

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MOM2ACAT 6/20/2014 5:14PM

    emoticon I admire your courage for "fessing up", I'm sure there are other people here on Spark dealing with those problems, and they will know they are not alone.

I'm sorry that you will have such a long wait to be seen at that hospital, but I'm glad you are able to text your doctor, it sounds like she is keeping a close watch on you.

I don't have any advice to add, but I just wanted you to know that I care and I hope you can recover from this.

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GRANDEFILLE 6/20/2014 3:02PM

    I was worried about you.... good to know you are getting a follow up from your doc. Hopefully you'll get out of this and start eating and training normally.

Take care of yourself! and if you need anything just mail me.

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And so it continues...

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Not quite, but pretty close to every day, one or both of my parents will make some comment about my eating/ weight/ appearance. It's becoming "normal" Stuff like "You need to eat more" "You're a stick" "I'm concerned". I try not to let it get to me but it's not easy.

Sunday night, I was standing in the hallway talking to my dad when my mom comes up and gasps, "OMG"I turn to her:"What?" "Nothing; that's just the first time I really see how thin you are". That was Sunday. Monday afternoon after I get home from stage and the gym, mom comes into my room. "Can I talk to you?" I roll my eyes knowing what's coming but it was worst than I'd expected. She called my psychologist to let her know she was concerned. AND apparently took 20 mins out of her day to research anorexia and I exhibit "all the signs" according to my mom. I managed to convince her it's all a matter of perception. As far as i'm concerned; I'm fine in both looks and feeling-wise.

I don't know anymore. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BE-THE-CHANGE 3/19/2014 7:57PM

    Did you see the nutritionist today? Sometimes an outside opinion is best.

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SONICB 3/19/2014 12:39PM

    Your parents sound like they are just really concerned about you and don't know how to deal with it. This often results in insensitive remarks that mask what they are trying to convey--that they love you, they're worried about you, and they don't want to lose you.

You might not have anorexia nervosa from a clinical standpoint, but you have exhibited some disordered behaviors in the past. I wouldn't completely discredit your parents' concerns, just because you think you are fine. Sometimes our own minds play tricks on us.

Best of luck, and emoticon.

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GRANDEFILLE 3/19/2014 12:25PM

    Your mother cares about you. I have seen you about 2 yrs ago and you looked fine. I don't even think you had 5 pounds to lose then . But reading your blogs have been somewhat worrying. you sometimes sound like you are a bit obsessed about the whole thing.

It would be important to see someone. I agree with BABE. Someone other than a nutritionist would help I'm sure.

take care of yourself!

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_BABE_ 3/19/2014 11:39AM

    You have people that care for you here and at home. That is a good start. We don't know how much you weigh but in reading your comments and blogs it gives us a glimpse in how you feel about yourself. There is a fine line between obsession and commitment.

I agree with some of the other comments on your blog posts but maybe instead of a nutritionist at school you could talk to someone about your self esteem issues. I have learned over the year when one has self love everything else falls into place.

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Comment edited on: 3/19/2014 11:45:59 AM

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 3/19/2014 11:21AM

    Based on your blogs, it sounds like you might have a problem. Can you go see the nurse that you talked to before? Sometimes getting an outside opinion is more helpful than coming from someone in the family.

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Slightly worried (part 2 of blog entry Slightly Nervous)

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Ok so maybe joining the gym was a bad idea. I go more or less every day for approximately 2 hours give or take. But it's pushing me down to a place i didn't want to go but now that I am going, it feels good.

My eating habits have shot WAY down. Since Christmas, I've lost 13 pounds. All I'm eating at this point is breakfast and supper. I've started lying to my parents when they ask what I had for lunch (or snack or whatever). They keep saying I need to eat more.

2 weeks ago now, I made myself an appointment with a nurse at school because I was wondering if maybe I was developing a disorder. She pulled out the Food Guide and after asking me about my eating habits told me for now I should concentrate on my protein intake as well as dairy. Fruits and veggies can wait. She also gave me another pamphlet with different snacks ideas and said that I should make myself an appointment with the nutritionist on campus. So I did. That appointment is tomorrow.

Because of the weight loss, it is getting harder to do certain things. Lying down hurts in any position. If I'm lying on my back, it's my shoulder blades digging in that hurt; on my side its my ribs etc. Bending down to reach or wipe something on the floor as I had to do on Sunday, I had to wrap my right arm around my ribs while using my left hand to wipe up what I had accidentally spilled. At the gym, there are things I can't do like sit ups or crunches.

It's gotten to the point where my stomach no longer makes noise. Which I associate with "Okay, so I'm just not hungry". Which is what I tell my parents: "I'm not going to eat if I'm not hungry. What's the point?"

While at home, during the day I avoid the kitchen if its not to get a glass of water. Eating makes me anxious. I used to ask my mom "What's for supper out of curiosity. In the last month, it's become "What's for supper?" so that I can try to overcome the anxiety that eating brings.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRANDEFILLE 3/19/2014 12:28PM

    I agree with SONIC, there is a psychological reason for all this and you should seek help. Don't wait too long. Better be safe than sorry

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KADULAC 2/25/2014 5:33PM

    It's good you are seeking help. Take care of yourself. emoticon

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KING_SLAYER 2/25/2014 2:47PM

    I will echo the sentiments of others; it's good that you recognize that something is wrong and have taken steps to figure it out. I think SONICB is correct in saying that you should see an eating disorder specialist, if for no other reason than to rule out certain things. Figuring out why you are being so anxious about food should be a top priority,

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SONICB 2/25/2014 12:18PM

    It's good that you recognize that there is a problem--that's the first step. It's also good that you are meeting with a school nurse and nutritionist. You might eventually want to speak with an eating disorder specialist, as there are psychological reasons why you are going down this route, and that person could help pinpoint these exact reasons and help you address them.

Take care of yourself--you only have one body, and it has been through so much already. Treat it well!

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 2/25/2014 11:57AM

    I am glad you saw the nurse and are writing about this.
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Kay

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What do I pack into a gym bag?

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My dad and I officially joined the gym today. With the membership we got a free gym bag, water bottle and coupons for a free facial among a couple other things.

To make the full use of it what do I need to put into the bag? The things I think of automatically are:
-headband to keep my hair out of my face
-my running shoes
-deodorant
-lock
-towel
-washcloth

Let me know if I am forgetting anything or any suggestions you may have. I want to be fully equipped!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTYNA7 2/3/2014 3:34PM

    Great to be prepared! And I love that you and your Dad joined together. Sweet! A small calendar and pen to mark in special events or a workout time that you want to try. Some gyms provide a card so you can write down what weights and how many reps you are doing of machines but if not you can make your own. Because I am gullible I would also have "star stickers" to put on my calendar, lol, for every time I go to the gym.

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AMAZINGMOMMY4 1/31/2014 12:37PM

    I would bring extra underwear for after, if you sweat you will want them too.

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KADULAC 1/31/2014 2:22AM

    Don't forget a snack and water bottle. That's great that you got those things for joining a gym.

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JOYFULSPIRIT920 1/30/2014 12:53PM

    Extra socks
phone case/ earphones
Weight gloves
hand towel
Are you going home from the gym or to work? I workout at lunchtime so I keep:
body spray
body wipes
deodorant
hair dryer
dry shampoo
makeup
hair accessories/ties

Enjoy!!

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GETSTRONGRRR 1/29/2014 9:50PM

    Hmmmm. I have 3 gym bags.....one I keep at work to go to the gym there, one at home for hitting the gym on weekends, and one in the trunk of my car in case I forget to bring either of the other 2 gym bags!

In all 3 I have;
-shorts, sneakers, shirt, and socks
-mp3 player and headset
-2 towels (one for showering, one to wipe off sweat in the gym)
-lock
-Heart rate monitor (that's just me, I love HRMs)
-toiletry kit (soap, deodorant, mouthwash, cologne)
-water bottle

Enjoy the gym....you'll figure out what you need once you get in a routine!

Comment edited on: 1/29/2014 9:54:56 PM

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FITWITHIN 1/29/2014 6:59PM

    I keep and extra set of gym clothes, because I sweat heavy. And by the second hours I'm really soak. I have a small toiletries bag, 2 hand towels, weight lifting gloves, hip scarf for Zumba class.

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SONICB 1/29/2014 6:46PM

    I like to keep extra hair ties in case I forget to put my hair in a ponytail before going to the gym.

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EABHA70 1/29/2014 6:35PM

    I keep my membership card in the inside pocket of mine.

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CAROL494 1/29/2014 6:27PM

  Sounds good!

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Set a new personal record :)

Saturday, January 11, 2014

For the first time ever I am at 32,037 steps for the day so far and it is not quite 4:30 pm.

I'm amazed at myself. Then again, when you get up at 5 am and have the house to yourself (or at least the kitchen/dining room/living room area) you can get quite a number of steps in before anyone gets up.

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Sorry about all the emoticons....I'm just super excited lol

emoticon for now!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNUZSUZ 1/12/2014 10:34PM

    Amazing!

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MOM2ACAT 1/12/2014 3:26PM

    That is awesome!

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BE-THE-CHANGE 1/11/2014 8:58PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHERYL_ANNE 1/11/2014 8:26PM

    Wow! I am super-duper impressed with your accomplishment!
emoticon emoticon

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KING_SLAYER 1/11/2014 6:03PM

    Holy cow that's a lot of steps!!! I don't know how you manage to do it!

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 1/11/2014 5:07PM

    Wow! That's a lotta steps!!

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JAROL7 1/11/2014 4:59PM

    YAY, good for you. But if weight loss is part of your goal list, as important as exercise is, it is more important to measure every bite, calculate the calories and write it down in your nutrition tracker. I'm on Day #156 and it is working for me.

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_BABE_ 1/11/2014 4:48PM

    emoticon Wow!

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