Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Well, I am still struggling with keeping my calories down. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!! I just want my weightloss journey to be over with. I have been working my butt off (literally!! haha! there isn't much left to me now!) since January, to get off all the weight I gained while pregnant with my twins. I started out at 175 lbs, and now am down to 125.4 as of last Thursday. My ultimate goal all along has been to get UNDER 125 and maintain my weight there, so that my weight on a bad day might be 125, but is usually under that, if that makes sense. In other words, I am right on the edge of my goal, so close I can TASTE it, but yet it feels so far away!!!
It is not about my body, so much as it is about the accomplishment - finishing what I set out to do. I'm not even disappointed with where I am now, weight-wise. Each time I glance in the mirror, I am in awe at how much better I look than I did several months ago, and that makes me feel great!
BUT, I am a very determined person, and when I say I want to do such-and-such, or that this is my goal, I feel a strong obligation to finish it. There have been so many times over the last few weeks that I have asked myself if I really do want to even lose more weight, but I am so close to my ultimate goal, it seems such a shame to give up now!
So my issue lately has been the calories. I didn't even count calories up until about 2 months ago, when the weightloss started getting tougher. As I have gotten slimmer, its been harder to just know how little to eat. I work much better if there is a definite limit, such as, in the form of a number of calories.
But after I got under 130, I started having more problems keeping the calories down, because I feel I have this unsatiable hunger. I have been training for a couple of half marathons, so I do run like a mad woman. I eliminated all of the snack items that I felt were adding calories, but not satisfying me, but I am still struggling with keeping my eating under wraps.... (HELP! Any suggestions???) I cannot pinpoint any emotional things going on, nor any outside stresses, that might trigger this. I don't know if it is just that I lost my motivation, and am having a hard time getting back on track or what!! Frustrating....
For instance, today, I had already eaten 1,200 calories by the end of lunch. Then this afternoon, the hunger hit, I tried to subdue it with some healthy choices, but I just felt like I needed more and more and more. So, at 4:30, I made myself my dinner - a salad with a meatloaf pattie (a German thing called Frikadelle), some carrots, feta, balsamic vinegar and a tad bit of oil (quite YUMMY, I might add!!). Well, now my calories are over 2,000 (between what I snacked on and then my salad). And I honestly could eat a lot more!!
Part of me wonders if it is just that my body is tired of losing weight.... It's demanding that I feed it properly and stop all this madness!
All I know is that I am giving myself until the end of October, because there is no way I wanted to be trying to lose weight during the holidays... I am going to muster up all the motivation I can possibly gather, and give it one last heavy push. Then I am done, wherever that might be. I will start adjusting my calories and such to just maintain my weight from then on.
Friday, September 25, 2009
I love my life. It is not often, I think, that people live out their dreams. As a child, I always loved those stories about far away lands, foreign lands, castles, mystical moors, kings, knights... I was a romantic from the beginning. As I grew older, it grew into more of a fascination with foreign countries, and a desire to travel and see the world. I was always interested in people who came from other countries, especially from Germany for some reason. Maybe it was because my dad comes from German bloodlines, though pretty far back, I am not sure. I also grew a strong interest in WWII while in school, which also fed my fascination for Germany, I think.
Well, little did I know what the future had for me. I started studying music in college (piano, to be more specific), and had to take a foreign language, either Italian, French or German. The school I attended only offered French and German. And of course, I chose German. Everyone told me it would be so hard, that French was the much easier choice, but I wanted to take German. So, that is what I did.
Late in the summer following the year I studied German, I met a group of German students who had just come over from Germany to study at a college. Of COURSE, I was interested in getting to know them, and I loved the way it sounded when they would speak in German to eachother. (Even though I took a year of it, I would understand jack-diddly-squat, but it sounded cool!) One of those German students in particular showed some special interest in me!! His name was Jan (pronounced like 'Yawn'). Its funny - less than 9 months later, we married, much to the shock of his starkly German parents who hadn't even met me!
During the time we 'dated', we talked about moving to Germany someday, but after the wedding, things settled in, my husband got a good job in the US, and the dream of living abroad faded. I thought at that time, we would never end up living in Germany, which was ok. It was probably just a whimsical dream anyway, right?
But then, one day, the conversation opened up about the possibility to move. His parents missed him so much, and things, we thought, would be much better for us here in many ways. (That didn't turn out to be so, but that is ok!!) So, we took the plunge!! We sold our house, and everything else that we could, packed up, and flew to Germany to stay. In December, it will have been 3 years ago.
I love it here. I feel so fortunate, that, not only am I married to the MOST WONDERFUL MAN ON THE PLANET, but I have the opportunity to live out a childhood fantasy of mine. Sure, Germany is not quite as romantic as I pictured - no lords living in castles these days, or things like that - but it still has an old-world feel, mixed with modern life. Its beautiful here. The other morning, I went running, and it absolutely took my breath away, how beautiful the countryside fields were as the sun came up!! There was a thin blanket of fog, that just barely iced the top of a cornfield, but was still thin enough to see the trees lining the horizon behind the field as the sky lit up. Absolutely gorgeous and so refreshing!
I am so blessed! My husband, next to the Lord (my Savior Jesus Christ), is the best thing that ever could have happened to me. Being with him grows sweeter every day, and I believe that is what a truly loving marriage should be. He grows more romantic and sweeter to me as time goes on. We respect eachother more, we clinge to eachother more, we confide in eachother more, the longer we are together. He is everything and more than I ever could have hoped for.
And we are blessed with 4 beautiful children! Mikah, my oldest (from a previous marriage), keeps me on my toes and is so active, but funny and so smart. Aiden is special needs, has a very rare chromosome abnormality, and is so special and sweet just the way he is. And the twins - I prayed for twins for 2 years, twin girls to be exact. And the Lord sent me twin girls. They are the sweetest, most precious twin girls I have ever laid eyes on, too!!
I may not have lots of money and things. In fact, funds are scarce these days with our family. But we are blessed with eachother, and we are happy and content. And I am passionate about my health and fitness, and thank God every day for my healthy body He has blessed me with. I can truly say that God has blessed my life beyond measure - far more than I ever could have dreamed.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
**UPDATE TO MY LAST BLOG**
Wow, posting the blog was a HUGE help to me. I think just getting some of my thoughts out there, and taking the time to analyze myself, the situation, and what might be triggering this did more than just help me come up with a solution - it helped me muster up the motivation to keep going. Immediately after posting this and venting my frustrations, I felt distinctly more resolved to push ahead and stop thwarting my own weightloss efforts.
(Thank you, also, for all the wonderful comments and helpful suggestions!!)
So, I dug a little deeper, and I have pinpointed what I believe the problem is -
1)Like I mentioned, the fact that I am under 130 lbs now (which is a huge accomplishment for me, since I started out at 175 lbs Jan. 1st). I even remember, the weekend after I first weighed under 130, I thought, 'I can eat that now... I don't have to be so careful anymore.' That was about 3.5 weeks ago.
2)The week following, I received a package of whole food nutrition bars. While I do think these are healthy, I now believe they can be a huge calorie trap. They are at least for me. Maybe because they are sweet, or maybe because they are so convenient, either way, but I found them terribly unsatisfying as far as my hunger goes, and was eating multiple bars a day. Thus adding lots of calories, and having to eat less calories from my meal foods to make up... Thus being even more unsatiated, and then being more weak when the other food temptations hit, like for peanut butter, etc.
So, that is my analysis. My solution - I have rid our house of the peanut butter and almond butter, and I have put the nutrition bars in a much more inconvenient location (out in the garage) so I'll be less likely to eat them (its already working.)
I already found that yesterday, I was far more satiated with my food that I ate, and found it very easy to stay well within my calorie recommendations. Although, yesterday was really a bad day, because it was my twin daughters' first birthday, and I baked a lot of goodies.... yeah, there were a lot of taste tests involved. And though I didn't know exactly how much I ate, I tried my best to guestimate, and added it to my nutrition log anyway. Even in spite of that, I was on the low end of the calorie range, I think.
I am not new to the whole weightloss game (this being the 3rd time in my life I have lost 30 lbs or more, mainly due to pregnancy weightgain, not because I am a yo-yo dieter), and I have found that, in order to be succesful, we must become critical and analytical thinkers about our diet and fitness - learn to find what our own pitfalls are (because everyone is different), and learn to find the solutions that work for us. Without making conscious effort in this, weightloss, I believe, will either not happen, or will not be permenant.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I feel the need to vent about my EATING ISSUES the last couple of weeks, and what better place than my new SparkPage?
So, here is the deal:
I have been exercising very vigorously for months, training for half marathons. And up until a few weeks ago, was losing weight great - 1.5-2 lbs per week easily. Then I took one week off running - just did some moderate biking for a week - but tried to adjust my calories so as to keep losing. About 3 days into the 'no running' week, I had been eating really good, but I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my hubby in the evening, and it was like my brain was screaming - 'EAT!! EAT!! EAT!!' I could not stop thinking about food, and I had this overwhelming urge to eat.... so that is just what I did. I mean, I tore into a jar of organic almond butter, mixed it with some organic raw honey, and put some cocoa powder in there and went to town... Not a horribly unhealthy 'snack' but loaded, and I mean LOAD-ED (that is to be read emphasizing both syllables), with calories. (Not to mention terribly unsatisfying...)
Well, I put it behind me, and continued trying to eat better, but the problem is that this has continued to happen over the last 3 weeks. And now I am to the point where I have GOT to find a solution, or I will NOT get these last few pounds off....
So, first, I am asking myself 'Why?? Why am I doing this?' Is it:
A) just that I am under 130 lbs, and am now pretty comfortable with my weight, and therefore losing momentum? I feel like I have 'achieved' and therefore deserve to splurge?
B) that I am maybe trying to keep my calorie intake too low, and am therefore leaving myself more susceptible to tempting high-calorie foods - my pitfall food being peanut butter or almond butter with honey, or even whole foods nutrition bars?
C) that the exercise I am doing is causing me to need more calories, and I am not supplying the extra calories with more satisfying foods?
D) just that I have let my guard down by giving in too many times in the last few weeks, thus making it easier to give in to my eating impulses more and more?
I am not sure exactly what the answer is, but I have decided I am going to try to solve this. So, here is my game plan:
*First - get rid of the high calorie traps - the almond butter, the peanut butter... gone. And no, I didn't eat it all in one sitting to get rid of it - I had the hubby hide it! HAHA!
*Second - Eat more calories (within reason, of course!) from my good homemade meals - real food is far more satisfying than any nutrition bars or splurges into the peanut butter jar.
*Third - if I am still hungry after I have eaten all my allowed calories for the day, I may allow myself to have more food, but only in the form of real food, but only sticking to lower calorie, but filling foods, like soups or vegetables, or things of that nature.
On with the next few weeks! Let's see how this helps me...
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