RUBENSMUSE81  
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After the Storm

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Well, today is a new day.
I'm feeling much more serene today then the state I was in when I wrote last nights blog.
Things just build and build and you either need to explode or implode. The tornado has passed though and now its just time for me to rebuild better and stronger.
Thanks for the encouragement to last nights blog.
I took these photos last night to express my anger. I think I'll call them "The eye of the Storm".

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIVADERCHI 6/24/2011 2:53AM

    Hi Ms. Muse... glad to read this blog... just goes to show, nothing lasts forever.... haven't heard from you in a couple of weeks... you still sparking? Hang in there and don't give up! Keep trying and you will succeed!

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BHOLMAN1005 6/5/2011 6:05AM

    If you don't let it out it becomes even worse. Good luck on you new peaceful day

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The "F" word

Saturday, June 04, 2011

I'm angry. I'm so angry!
Not because of any particular situation that set me off but I'm angry at the whole of it. I'm fed up at being looked at as less of a person because I'm more of a person. Overweight people are treated like lepers in today's society.
Do you know that I've been told by more then one person that I should start doing cocaine to lose weight?
What is that!!!!!
How is it possible that people believe it is better to be a coke addict than to be overweight?

And I'm tired....
I'm tired of spending three hours putting on makeup, doing my hair and wearing a great outfit just to be passed over by a guy for some 100lb girl who is so underweight she can hardly hold her head up.

I'm frustrated...
I'm frustrated that I haven't lost more than ten pounds in the last five months.

I'm so....urghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRACYZABELLE 6/7/2011 3:37AM

    emoticon

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TJHIERS 6/4/2011 10:05AM

    if those guys aren't looking at you , you don't need them anyway ! i'm sure there are alot of single guys right here on sparks that could go through this journey with you !
first and formost, you have to get your mind set on this journey and not let people or situations bring you down !
make peace with your past and continue on your journey, the best is yet to come ! emoticon emoticon

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MRE1956 6/4/2011 6:21AM

    Whoa.....cocaine? YIKES! Time to get those kinds of folks out of your life for good (assuming that those were more than casual acquaintances, of course) - nothing good can come from that!

Sorry you're struggling......hang in there - and don't let the "turkeys" get you down!

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RIVADERCHI 6/4/2011 1:53AM

    Hi Ms. Muse... glad to see you blogging again! Go ahead let it out! I hear you! Life is unfair..... fuuuuggeedddaaaabbouttit! Just love yourself... be confident, believe in yourself just as you are...accept yourself.. you are beautiful and one day the right guy will recognize that. In the meantime, congrats on the weight loss... it's not a race, it's for the rest of your life ... so pace yourself! You can do it! BTW, three hours is too much time to "get ready." Take 15 minutes and then get out there and live your life on your terms! That's all for today! with love, riva rivaderchi emoticon

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Sleep per chance to dream...

Monday, May 23, 2011

Since becoming unemployed two months ago (or was it three months ago), I have gradually begun to lose interest in doing anything.
I apply for jobs, just to not get any response. I go to career counselling for additional help. I'm looking into going to school. But until something happens....
There is a lot of hours in a day and when you don't work or have any money to do anything you tend to sleep a lot more, watch more television and generally do less and less. And the less you do, the less you can do - I have no energy.
The idea of going for a walk wipes me out. I supose its a form of depression, but I think everybody goes through this when they are not working.
I was planning on using this time to focus on my weight loss but so far I have been failing. Maybe I should rent a campsite for the next month and just spend some time isolated on a beach. At least I'd get away from the television.
As it is, I stay awake until 4am, sleep until 12pm and take a 2 hour nap at 4pm.
People who just got off work are probably thinking, "poor you, you get to do nothing well I have to work my butt off to make a living." I get that. I know I sound ridiculous.
I got to get out of this funk and get back on track.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRACYZABELLE 6/3/2011 4:58AM

    Do you have any STUFF laying around or in boxes that need going through? Stuff to toss out or recycle? That is what I do to keep busy!!

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SHARMIKA04 5/24/2011 2:15AM

    That is understandable. I mean your focus in on finding a job and getting back on track. I hope someone calls you soon. Just take it one day at a time and try not to do so much at work. When I was looking for a job I just focused on the exercise part. It was my moment to get away from everything that was going on. I sucked at the eating part but at least I was doing something good towards my health.

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RIVADERCHI 5/24/2011 1:22AM

    Hi Miss Muse, You will have the rest of your life to work.... so enjoy this little break.... daydream, journal, visualize, get a good vision of the life you want for yourself because it will manifest itself just by you focusing your attention on your future goals.... and once you have a goal/dream/vision work on it one baby step at a time . . . and maybe volunteer or get an unpaid internship.... basically, give yourself the pep talk you need that will work for you and never give up... try to get some oxygen, at the least every other day.... EVERYONE SAYS EXERCISE IMPROVES DEPRESSION AND IT's TRUE... just do it! with love, riva rivaderchi emoticon

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TJHIERS 5/23/2011 6:59PM

    i understand you're not working, but you can't give up and let life pass you by, get up, get dressed, get outside and get some fresh air, it cost nothing, but a little effort and the mindset to say,.. i'm worth this !
hope you know we are here for you ! emoticon
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NPA4LOSS 5/23/2011 4:35PM

    Yes, it does sound as if you are dealing with depression from not working. Unfortunately there are so many who are going through this right now. Try to set one goal for the day and when yo have that accomplished you can add another. Maybe the streak idea will work for life issues as well as for weight loss issues. emoticon

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Fear of losing weight?

Monday, May 16, 2011

Well, I lost 2lbs.
Pure luck this time though, since I never actually did anything this week.
I've actually been considering lately that maybe I have a fear about losing the weight and maybe I self sabatoge because of this.
I wonder if anyone else out there may have noticed this in their journey to lose weight.
I'm not really sure what part of losing the weight scares me. Maybe I'm afraid it will change who I am. I don't know. Am I the only one who feels this way?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIVADERCHI 5/20/2011 1:58AM

    Miss Muse, P.S.... I've been thinking about what you said and how you identify yourself as Ruben's Muse. When you lose weight and reach your goal (notice I didn't say "if" . . . because the messages we tell ourselves are very powerful--thoughts and words do manifest), who will you be? Maybe you need to be another artist's inspiration??? just a thought!! riva rivaderchi emoticon

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SOFT_VAL67 5/17/2011 1:38PM

    i have wondered this, but, for me, i think it would be about what my body might look like after, i hear about all the ppl who lose weight and end up looking worse cause they have all the loose skin and sagging, but i think i would rather look round and full....so maybe this plays a small part in it for me.

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RIVADERCHI 5/17/2011 1:40AM

    Hi Miss Muse, You might like to join Rootin for Ruby team and read the discussion of her episodes of self-sabotage... at least you have identified the demon and now you will learn the tools to beat it... but only if you really want to... either way it's o.k..... the weight is only a symptom of something else anyway.... good luck, riva rivaderchi emoticon

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SARA72121 5/16/2011 8:10PM

    I feel like this too. I almost feel like if I'm successful people will expect it of me and that's too much pressure for me. I don't want to disappoint myself or anyone else.

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LADYBUGTOOS 5/16/2011 7:24PM

    I had this thought as a revelation awhile back. And I figured out that losing the weight takes away my identity because I've always been the "fat" friend, cousin, co-worker, whatever. Have to dig deep and find a new label. Good luck.

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PAISHAR2 5/16/2011 6:06PM

    I FEEL LIKE THIS SOME TIME TOO!!!! WHEN I DO LOOSE WEIGHT OR A POUND HERE OR THERE, I FEEL LIKE I AM IN THE KITCHEN TRYING TO EAT MY SELF BACK TO THE POUND I JUST LOST. I FEEL GOOD WHEN I LOOSE, BUT I FEEL LIKE I AM MISSING SOMETHING. I KNOW IT IS ALL IN THE MIND AND I NEED TO MOVE ON AND KEEP HANGING IN THERE. SO YES WE CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

SHARON

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ANGELSANDYBABY 5/16/2011 4:00PM

    No, you are not alone...I feel this way often, too.
*sigh*

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ROGUE_RUNNER 5/16/2011 3:56PM

    I think that this is a common fear....but I think it is rooted in something else. I think it would be good for you to really think through this. What do YOU think causes you to fear losing weight - it is probably different for every person!

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The Day Before

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Well...
I'm about to start my first Spark's challenge.
I have a few feelings that I'm fighting back. Fear. Despair. Anxiety.
I feel anxious about the challenge, fear that I'll fail by not even trying, and despair for failing before even failing.
I refuse to let my insecurities get the best of me. If I let myself obsess over the negatives then I will definitely fail.
So instead I'm going to force myself to believe in myself. I'll keep telling myself until I believe it and then I'll tell myself some more until I accomplish my goals.

I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT! I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT! I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon> emoticon> emoticon> emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRACYZABELLE 5/10/2011 6:13AM

    Go go FIRECRACKER GO~

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RIVADERCHI 5/10/2011 1:56AM

    Hi Ms. Muse, Thanks for commenting on my blog! Good luck as you begin tomorrow... one day at a time and try to "stay in the now." This will ease a lot of your anxieties! I can't even talk, because I haven't even tried a challenge--yet! That positive attitude and self=talk will make the difference! You are doing it! riva rivaderchi emoticon

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