Tuesday, January 08, 2013
(Xavier Michael Emmanuel was born on Christmas day to our daughter. The currently plan is still for us to parent. This is my "status update" for Facebook today)
HI! This is Xavier again. Today I am 2 weeks old, and boy have I learned a lot. First, dimples rock. I know this because everyone keeps saying what a ladies man I will be when they see my smile.
My mommy Faith is going to make certain that I am dressed like a smooth dude. I think she would put me in a different outfit every half hour is she could. She is makes certain to know about my health. She asks lots of good questions. She is going to begin something called school in a couple weeks and this will make her proud, then me proud too.
My Moriah is learning to drive the big vibrating sleep machine. She seems to have trouble finding something called a brake, which makes my Grandmommy yelp. She does find something else that makes the big sleep machine go vroom! Vroom!
Grandmommy wears me in a wrap. I love this. I can hear her heart beat, and sleep for hours. She is really good at sitting up with me at night, so I can eat and then we can chat. I love to chat.
Papa was great when I was born. He didnít want Mommy Faith to be lonely so he slept in her room, wear funny blue hand things, and a blue paper thing over his face. He lets me curl up on top of him and snooze.
Penny Sit! Has another name. Itís Penny No! She loves to kiss my whole face. Sometimes she takes my pacifier right out of my mouth! Then she runs away. Grandmommy does not like this. I think Penny No! just likes chew toys .
Good girl Izzy sits with me all the time. She makes a warm fuzzy. She thinks Penny Sit! Is crazy. ó
Daughter is doing fair. She was sober throughout the pregnancy, but her first day back at her apartment after staying with us did not go well. Cements why she is not parenting. I have been making an effort to get my work outs in. Twice today!
Monday, November 05, 2012
As I write this, my oldest daughter (the pregnant one) is asleep in what will become the baby's room. The last 7 months have been such a time of emotional growth for her. Last night she noticed the "signs" that her mental health is in jeopardy. She has not done laundry in 2 weeks. She has not washed her dishes in a couple days, and her apartment is becoming disorganized. She is organized almost to the point of OCD. She had not slept in a few days. Clearly she is manic. Usually when this happens she waits until night before asking to go to the hospital. Yesterday she asked around 2. The doctor and the social worker felt she needed to be hospitalize, but there was not one psych bed available in our entire state. The entire state! I brought her home with me. She careful took her meds, put our puppy in bed with her, and finally slept. Thank God.
The plan remains that my husband and I will become this new baby's legal custodians. Very much like an adoption with a couple differences that will benefit the baby. We found an amazing lawyer that is helping us navigate all the legal issues pro-bono. Again, thank God.
When this baby arrives I will need to leave my job, as we can not afford day care, and this little guy is going to need some very strong attachment nurturing. I know this from experience. This is going to drop our income into the "your child qualifies for free lunch" level. I am a pre school teacher with 27 years of classroom experience. We are developing a plan to do daycare/pre school in our home. Not only will I be able to do for this little guy what he needs, I will be able to share my gifts and talents with other children, and hopefully bring our income up to a more liveable level.
My 15 year old is very introverted, a gifted writer, and a gentle soul. She is wanting to join on line school. I worry if this is the best choice for her, but I trust her self knowledge. She is an intuitive and intelligent girl. Maybe the idea of allowing her to build her education and her life in our home at a time when I will be home is ideal.
While I often feel like there is a steaming, out of control train barreling down on me, with no way to move off of the track, I have my Faith, I have my skating, my health and my ability to creatively problem solve.
Life is indeed a journey.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
I have worked so hard to get here. I guard my workout time jealously. I barter at a gym to ensure I am motivated and present.
I also have cared for two parents through their final illnesses at home, and raised two amazing children, one with great special needs.
Sometimes I am tired. So tired. Now as I look to the end of the year, knowing that I am to parent again, it scares me breathless. How do I find myself, and keep my life while loving this new life. I am pleased that my daughter knows she is not, and will most likely never be, stable enough to parent. I know I will love this little boy. I took me so long to find me. I can't lose me again.
Monday, August 20, 2012
I spent the last 5 days working at the Mn Ren Fest. Worked worked worked! and had a blast! After all of that, today I am going to give my skating feet a try. This will be the first time back on skates since mid June, and my broken foot! I can't wait.
I'll let you know how it goes!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
On June 23rd, during my workout, I broke my foot. Well actually I ripped the tendon from the bone, taking bone with it, and fracturing that bone. This is a tiny bone right on the outside of the foot.
In the scheme of things, this is a bump in the road. At this age (46) my mother was already living in a wheelchair, in chronic pain, only able to tolerate sitting up a few hours a day. This is nothing.
So why am I having a hard time with this? I am riddled with guilt, because I have much to be thankful for.
I am a competitive Dance Roller Skater, placing at the Regional level and competing at the National level. I skate at least 3 times a week for 3 or more hours, often 4 times a week. I also work out consistently, doing kettle bells, TRX, Spinning and boxing. I love to hike, climb (casually) and play with my youngest on the trampoline.
I am resenting this break! I am still getting my workouts in, but not to their normal intensity. However, I haven't had skates on since June. I will miss this year's National Competition, including meeting the new skaters I have connected with online. I love to spend time climbing a waterfall in my area and sitting behind it, praying and meditating. There is such peace and power there. I won't be able to do that this year either.
I am a "fat curvy girl" masquerading as a healthy fit woman. I can feel those fat cells just exploding with every activity I miss. It makes me weep. Hence, the guilt. In the land of want and need, I have a home, a family, friends, my Faith, and one tiny broken bone that will heal.
Perhaps I need to find the lesson in this.
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