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Uncharted Teritory

Saturday, August 10, 2013

I feel like I'm at a kind of cross roads in my self health journey here. I have lost 99% of the weight I originally set out to lose this year. I'm back to where I was in my "motivational picture". I feel VERY healthy, I feel like my body is very different now compared to what is was.


There's a few things on my mind now on what to do next. One thing that bothers me is my BMI. I feel like I look slim and healthy, I am actually starting to see some muscle definition in my legs, arms, and back. But my BMI still has me in the "overweight" column (I'm at 25.3 and "should" be under 24.9). I know my body, I know that I am physically structured bigger than I think most women. I mean, I can clearly feel where my rib cage and hips are and there just aint THAT much on them at this point. I'm tall-ish at 5' 7", wear a size 10 / 1 1 shoe, and can hardly ever find a bracelet that fits on my wrist without being completely stretched out. So I understand that the BMI scale encompases all women's body types and I will be near the top of that scale. But it still bothers me.

Given everything that I just described, I don't know how to set my next weight goal. I feel like I have more to do, but I can't predict how I will change and what kind of time frame to expect. I want to be reasonable with myself. I don't want to set up another 5 lbs loss goal with a similar time frame as I've just completed because I just don't think its going to happen like that. I think the next 5 lbs are going to take a LOT more. And probably a lot of net zero weight change between gaining muscle and losing fat.

I'm afraid to change anything in my tracker. The past two weeks, I've been doing more exercise than recommended, and generally staying within my calorie range - giving myself a few "over" days because of all the extra calories burned. I am very well aware of how I "fell off the wagon" the last few times I made a health push. I started to gradually eat more each day -without tracking- until I was back at the unhealthy habits and the weight just crept back over the course of a year. I'm very skeptical of the exercise more, eat more advice - just can't help that.

So I don't know. All I can do right now is what I have been doing. Just keep going and find out what happens.


Low, low, low self esteem

Saturday, February 16, 2013

"Hello darkness my old friend..."

I'm huge. I have let my eating go out of control. I'm feeling like I will never be able to truly change. I'm terrified to step on the scale, I just don't want to know. I don't feel motivated by pictures of fit people, it just makes me think I'll never look that way. I keep saying "I'm going to go to the gym" but I don't because I don't know what I should do when I get there. I'm having some lower back pain, and I suspect its because I gained weight so quickly. I feel like trying to do exercises is going to be very painful.

I just feel ashamed. I just want to hide myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KENDRACARROLL 2/16/2013 1:17PM

    When I go to the gym I usually take a class. I like working out with likeminded people who share my pain :)
My favorite right now is Zumba. Great workout, totally informal, and you can really let go. (And nobody cares about your jiggle :))
Or, just jump on a treadmill or elliptical.
Or choose an outdoor activity. I love hiking; it's my drug of choice :)
(Ever check out Great place to find people to do stuff with.)
A good workout gets those feel-good hormones going and helps me with impulse control.
Other people's pics are just that - other people's pics.

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MYOWNHERO 2/16/2013 11:10AM

    I've been there. So many times. Consider it a valuable learning experience.

Now put on your favorite uplifting songs and take those baby steps!

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KIMBERLY_Y 2/16/2013 11:03AM

    Don't give up on yourself! There are so many fun activities to do without going to the gym and hating it! Looking at blogs and finding some healthy recipes will inspire you to be healthy. I know about back pain and it can be very debilitating. Say yes to you and get off the couch. You can do it!!! I know you can!

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KAYOTIC 2/16/2013 11:01AM

    I read a study where looking at pictures of thin or fit women was not a helpful motivator, so maybe put those away. I think pictures of serene places, or thing you enjoy might be better motivation, what activities do you really enjoy, what places do you want to visit, or just a cuddly cute puppy picture may be more helpful motivation.

About the gym, it really doesn't matter what you do when you get there. Just go. And start something, you need to warm up anyway, so walk on a treadmill, do some jumping jacks, swim! If you don't feel like it after 10 minutes, then pack up and go home, knowing you did that 10 minutes and feel good about that. Chances are, you will realize you want more, and see something you want to do. But don't put that pressure on yourself to know ahead of time.

Are there classes at your gym? Those can be fun, and you don't have to put so much thought into it, as someone else is telling you what to do! I love my classes...

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DEBPETERS7 2/16/2013 10:40AM

  talk to me about water fasting emoticon

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KATRINAKRAUT 2/16/2013 10:37AM

    You are not alone. Just read the blogs out there. Trying to deprive ( punish) yourself? That is what dieting is! And if a photo of another person doesn't motivate you ( after all it is ANOTHER person), throw some darts at it! Figure out how to fulfill other areas of your life. Follow your passions! What makes you think, " Wow, This is crazy ass fun?".... Or "How cool. I just fed, clothed, helped another person. I made a difference!". ( get out of yourself and help someone else). But don't hole up and hide. You know that does not help. just keep reading until you find a blog that resonates with you. Look at that photo of you from Hawaii. What was going through your mind then?

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Endless Cycle :(

Monday, December 24, 2012

I'm back, and I'm at least 10 lbs heavier. I managed to dismantle all the gains I made over the summer during the colder months. Can't say I'm surprised, I've been here at least 3 or 4 times before, it's no less depressing though.

I knew I was gaining, I wasn't able to stop those bad food choices, I was ignoring the scale. When I finally got the nerve to step on the scale it said I was 185 lbs - heaviest ever. I was dizzy with confusion, I didn't think I had let it go that far. Turned out that my cheap Ikea scale is pretty off though, I used the scale at the Y and I weighed in at 173. Still it was a wake up call. The only positive that I can glean from this is I'm starting way earlier than I usually do to get back on track. Normally I just hibernate the whole winter until the warmer weather comes.

This time I'm not going super heath nut crazy and trying to lose 10 lbs in 2 months, I'm going for 10 lbs in 4 months. I think I've learned by now that I deprive myself of too much trying to stick to something that strict. I NEED something sustainable, I want off this yo-yo.


And now back to your regularly scheduled programing...

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Since last post things continued to not go well. Scale kept going up, I was very distraught because I didn't understand how I could gain 6 lbs in a matter of two weeks. I didn't change my eating, I was still exercising...nothing was making sense. I was feeling like all my work over the past two months was gone.

Then it dawned on me, birth control pill. I had been off it for a while because I found out CVS is horrible to deal with and are not capable of filling a refill on time, plus I had my annual check up to do. Got things straightened out and started taking it again. I remembered it takes a month for my body to adjust, low and behold a month later and I'm back to the weight I was before I started taking the pill.

I figured out it was pretty much futile to try and track anything during the first month on the pill. But even now I'm not sure I'm going to go back to tracking food. I'd like to learn how to eat without tracking everything. So I'm just going to continue on eating reasonably, allowing myself deserts once in a while, and keeping up with the swimming to see where this takes me. If in a few months it looks like I need to work a bit harder, then I'll do that. So happy to feel like "me" again!


A setback? : /

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Weigh in this week says I gained a pound and a half. Was supposed to lose a pound and get to goal.

Trying not to feel so sad about it. I did increase my calories this week like it was suggested, I don't feel like I went overboard with it. I got all my exercise in too. Maybe I'm just retaining water or gained muscle or something like that to tip the scale in that direction.

I do feel like my physical body shape is what it was last year, and I'm very happy about that.

This is a new phase for me, I want to continue to lose body fat and get fitter. I just don't know how it's going to play out. I'll give the increased calories another week and if I still gain then I'll adjust it back down again. I am really unsure about the increase....but earlier in the week I knew my body had run out of fuel. I felt so hungry and so sick I got the picture...I needed to eat more.

::sigh:: Oh well...keep going...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHICKPEA23 7/21/2012 10:57AM

    I think you're right to listen to your body! If you were feeling hungry and sick, that's a huge sign that you needed to up your calorie intake. It sounds like you're taking awesome care of yourself.

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NJJ-EXERCISE30 7/21/2012 8:04AM


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