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Why Am I Fat? Good Question!

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Why Am I Fat? was one of the homework questions from

At first I wrote because I don't eat correct portion sizes, I eat crappy food, stress, I gave up, I hate diets, I took a break from running and I want to eat everything all my skinny friends can eat!

But, as I ran on the treadmill I really started to think about it.

I have NEVER felt "skinny".


I cannot say I was heavy growing up. In fact, looking back at my pictures growing up, I was a really good weight.

(I am in the middle)

This was when I was 14 years old. I seriously thought I was fat. I remember getting this picture taken.

Why did I always "feel" fat? My parents ALWAYS told me I was. I was never allowed to have potato chips, cookies, etc. I was told I had a "baby belly". To this day, if my parents are around and I eat a roll I feel guilty!

Why did they do this? I have no idea. I think they really thought I was. My mother has always weighed 105 lbs. She eats healthy all the time. She works out at a gym 2 1/2 hours every day. She weighs herself everyday. She has more self-discipline than anyone I know. She is small boned. There have been times when I have fit in her clothes and I weighed 116 lbs. So, physically, I know I could never weigh 105 lbs.

Sorry to ramble - I guess I am still throwing it around in my head.

So, today, the fatloser coach said answer the question and then "let it go".

And, that is what I am going to do.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WATERMELLEN 1/12/2014 4:49PM

    What an adorable little girl, what a pretty young teen!

Too bad you received the messages you did.

That mother daughter relationship is the toughest one ever (for mothers AND for daughters!!)

As you say, let it go . . .

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JUST_TRI_IT 1/11/2014 3:36PM

    Deja vu!! It is amazing to me how common our experiences are ...somehow we are wired to at least be conscious of our weight..which might be a good thing. And then, we grow up in a society that seems to see this Achilles heel and go for it...we come out of it with a weird sense of what we should look like.

Great blog!

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POSITIVE41 1/11/2014 7:21AM

    Great blog - our attitude and how we feel about ourselves can really be an obstacle to getting healthy. I think that is what it is all about. Liking who you are, what you look like, and appreciating your body. The rest will come from there.

The pictures really hit home with me, when I don't like how I look in one, I try to remind myself in 10 years I will look back and think I look great - why not look at it now and think that thought now?

Good luck with your journey!

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INFLATED 1/11/2014 1:33AM

    My Mom told me to wear a girdle. I had a younger friend that was flat in the abdomen, I wasn't in my teens, even though I was within a normal weight range. I was miserable in a girdle. The same friend also had a tighter behind and I was envious, but never told her.

We are different. We can look different and still be healthy and fit. My Mom, when she was still verbal, thought she was fat. When she died and they bathed her body, she was very thin. I think some of it is mental and has nothing to do with our weight.

After many years, I found my old friend on Facebook, she does miles of running or many laps of swimming and Irish dancing. She is still thin. She kept active even through breast cancer when I lived a sedentary life.

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    Cute school pics.
You look awesome at any age!
We have to let our mothers go....

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STRIVER57 1/9/2014 3:41PM

    but you're not fat. maybe you were at some point (not in those pictures), but you're not now. didn't you think of answering that? if you didn't, doesn't that say something … sad?
hugs … (and you'd get hugs if you were fat, too. but you're not).

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KRISZTA11 1/9/2014 2:38PM

    You were a cute child and a beautiful young girl, without any extra weight. Such hurtful remarks can distort realistic body image : (
It is good you thought it over and are ready to let go.

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EDENZMOM 1/9/2014 8:13AM

    That is a very thought provoking question. I know it was the same at my house growing up: my mother was 112 lbs her entire life. and made it known to me. I remember sitting in elementary school watching my best friends with a bag of ketchup chips, and another plastic bag with SIX chocolate chip cookies or oreos in it... and they would eat everything! they would go home and have pudding after school and snacks galore. My house... there were never any chips or cookies. We had cheese or nuts of veggies. and i wasn't allowed snacking after school or after dinner. I find myself trying to run the same tight ship today with my daughter (thank you for the realization)... but where is this trade off? do you get sick of junk food when it's readily available to you daily in grade school, and you dont want to even look at it as a young adult when your metabolism starts catching up with you? maybe that's the psychological secret to all of this?? thanks for the food for thought, hope you have a great day

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SMITTY4RL 1/9/2014 7:09AM

    NO ramble, you're obviously thinking hard about the subject. Good blog, makes me wonder about my past, too, and what's in it that drives me to eat so much. I'm on day 2/3 of fatloser, so thanks for preview!

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SUNSHINE20113 1/9/2014 4:27AM

    It's amazing what labels do to us, especially when they come from our parents! Thanks for sharing - it's definitely a good question.

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FUSIONFITNESS3 1/9/2014 1:01AM

    Wow! That's a thought provoking question which isn't answered in one short statement for me. These last 20 months I've reflected on this more and more and each time as I journey I discover deeper answers to that question. (Like you I have done a lot of my reflecting on the treadmill or stationery bike) What I struggle with most is the messages I've received early on already from family, friends, community, and society about how to measure if you're fat. I now know that those measures were unfair and unrealistic and only multiplied my poor physical self image which led to my obesity. Oh, I was always overweight but at 13 I knew more about dieting than the average teen and started my yo yo journey through life.

Glad you've been able to identify another reason for your weight struggles because it is only in identifying these causes that we can determine to let go of them. Congratulations on letting this go and allowing yourself to move forward.

Thanks for sharing thoughts.

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OOLALA53 1/8/2014 10:15PM

    I don't know you, but when I saw the title of your blog today, without even seeing you, my first response was, "Are you sure you ARE fat?" Because I see so many women getting it wrong.

At one point in my 50's, I did go into the low obese range, but when I first was told to lose weight, at age 12, by a DOCTOR, I was in the normal BMI range. Thanks a lot. Of course, this worried my mom, and the disapproval began, although to her credit, it was mild, as she did it more out of fear that she wasn't being a good mom than any true evaluation of me. She knew I wasn't as slim as some of my peers, but so what? I was fine. However, as time went on, both my parents and I got influenced by the dang Twiggy generation, and the rest is history.

So even though I was only mildly overweight most of my adult life, I thought of myself as very fat. Even when I one day noticed myself in a store window and realized that I wasn't huge, as I felt, the feeling didn't go away. And I went on to gain even more weight.

Which is not to say that an obese women should look in that store window and feel revulsion. It's just an objective truth. And it doesn't make her a criminal! Her FEELING like a criminal just ends up making it worse.

I've actually found that if I'm eating moderately, getting hungry for most of my meals and not stuffing myself, I FEEL thin! This was true four years ago when I had my turnaround and started my program, and it has stayed true through a 40-lb. loss. I started feeling thin very early on! Feeling thin is more a matter of eating well than being thin. Getting regular short bursts of exercise boosts that feeling even more. But honestly, sometimes I eat a little too much and I feel "fat" again. Now I know it's an inaccurate feeling. I relabel it as "really full", and I pretty much just live with it until my body uses the food and I feel on an even keel again. Getting upset about it makes it worse! It's not a moral issue! I learned that one the hard way, but it was so worth the effort.

I affirm that peace with eating is within the reach of us all.

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PLMITCH 1/8/2014 10:07PM

    Good plan. I wonder sometimes if "fat" is a conspiracy. Then again I look around and really rethink that. In any case, you have to be careful not to get sucked into the mess. Use some benchmarks that are generally acceptable (i.e..BMI) vs the media version of "fat" (which sadly is equivalent to a bean pole) to determine where you are at. I bet you are in a better place than you think!

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THEATERMAMA 1/8/2014 10:03PM

    YES!!! I had a fat overweight father who my mother divorced -I look like my father. My mother was tall and waifish like my 19 year old son, I was built like my father and I wasn't fat I am wide bodied like the women on his side of the family and large breasted - my mother wore an A cup and she had to use padding to fill it in, I wore a DD and was busting out of it when I was 13. Needless to say to her I was fat, she put me on diets, shots, exercises etc since I was 12 and until her death 15 years ago she fixated on my body so therefore I fixated on my body. Champion yoyo dieter here. I look back on those pictures and I was actually quite thin.

I have been at 200 and 220 for the last 15 years since she died and maybe that has something to do with it. It is time to forgive her and let it go. I accept that lanky is never going to describe me but voluptuous and shapely just might.

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GOOSIEMOON 1/8/2014 9:42PM


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STRIVERONE 1/8/2014 9:38PM

    People who want to lose fat are not necessarily "fat". They may be overweight or may even have healthy BMIs but would like to move to the lower end of that range for their own reasons. That question could be difficult for many to answer.

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  The short version of a long story. When I weighed 118 pounds in high school, my long term boyfriend (who I later married) told me that I looked good but I would look even better if I weighed 108 pounds. At that point in my life, I wore a size 5-7 and was too fat to wear a 2 piece bathing suit. I think we call that poor body image and unless you have been there, you don't get it. Now 40 years later, I don't weigh 118 pounds, I weigh 200 pounds and I don't feel any worse about my body now than I did then. I look at those old pictures and think "how could I think I was fat?" I have decided I am going to make this all about me. Being kind to me. Loving me. And I told myself today that I think I am addicted to my walking. I will get back to the gym but I love my walking. emoticon

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Cravings? Hmmm....

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

I completed the #3 & #4 coaching sessions over the past two days. I am still going over #3 in my mind. Part of it had to do with cravings.
What are my cravings? That stumped me. I don't really have a sweet tooth, I have never been a baker and only buy pies, cookies or cakes if company is coming over. I have never been one for ice cream - every once in a blue moon I may buy a junior cup frozen yogurt. I keep caramels and chocolates on the counter for my kids and guests and never have the urge to eat them. And, I am not into potato chips. I will eat nachos if they are in front of me (my husband loves to order them as an appetizer). And I don't see that as a craving, I see it more as a "I am hungry, waiting for dinner, the waitress brought this out first and I can't say no anymore problem".

Today the idea of red wine came to mind. If I cook a really good meal or we go out to a nice Italian restaurant, I do crave it with my meal. I love holding the wine glass, the taste, and the warm feeling I get from it. I am a "light weight", so I don't drink a ton of it, but I do enjoy it on occasion.

Why this is a problem? Because my will power for food goes down the tubes when I drink it! I noticed I will eat a roll with butter, appetizers friends order and too much dinner! So, while I drink one glass of wine at 110 calories, it's really 800 calories with all the splurging! This tasty glass of red wine can totally derail all the work I am doing!

So that is one area where my mental toughness is going to have to show. What will I do to avoid this craving? I will order sparkling water with lime.
I will tell everyone I am focusing on eating healthier.

I did complete my iFit HM training #6. I am to the point where I am looking forward to it now!! I ordered a Yoga for Runners DVD today from Amazon with gift cards I received for Christmas. I also ordered a 1 year subscription to Runner's Magazine along with their cookbook. I love gift cards!

Here is a picture of the Elk River today -- too cold for the geese!:

Stay warm!! And remember:

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAMMER3 1/8/2014 3:00PM

    I agree with the wine! I never loves sweets, I am more of a salty person but if it is not in the house I don't bother. I will buy a bottle of wine and have a nice meal and have a glass or 2, then the garlic toast comes and more parmesan cheese please!! All this adds up and next thing you know I wonder where my calories went.

Stay strong and I am right there with you!! Love reading your progress ;)

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EDENZMOM 1/8/2014 10:09AM

    Sounds like you've been doing great, and very happy to hear that you're motivated and have goals. i will check out the free trial, as well as the 5% winter challenge... I really need someone to work with, my boyfriends' good... but his cravings are out of control, and they become my indulgences!!
Looking forward to your blogs and motivation. keep it up :)

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KRISZTA11 1/8/2014 7:19AM

    Great blog! It is a pity you can't enjoy your glass of red wine because of the side affect, if it was not the case it would be a healthy habit to drink a glass of wine with dinner...

Alcohol has the same effect on me, but I don't miss it very much.
I have this problem only at my and DH's birthday when we have caviar and champagne : )

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LIVE2RUN4LIFE 1/7/2014 11:28PM


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SHARON10002 1/7/2014 10:56PM

    Good job of analyzing! I wish you luck with cutting out the wine. I love my wine with dinner. To me wine compliments the food and visa versa. And I'd give anything not to have my sweet tooth!

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INFLATED 1/7/2014 10:32PM

    Your blog about thinking about everything and being mentally tough, caused me to do some self-reflections of my own. My doctor said, "When was the last time you weighed 125 pounds?" It was in when I was in high school. So all of my adult life except for two times when I lost down to 140 pounds, I have been overweight. When I got that low, I went back to gorging on whatever I liked. I was more active, but that changed as the weight came back.

Comment edited on: 1/7/2014 10:34:19 PM

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FUSIONFITNESS3 1/7/2014 9:17PM

    Sometimes the answers don't come easy as they require some deep, hard thinking and reflection. Glad you were able to identify an area you can work on. You will do well I'm sure. Sparkling water has become my drink of choice too.

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SABLENESS 1/7/2014 8:51PM

    You are doing emoticon
About job offer, absolutely! I'm both excited and nervous! emoticon

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 1/7/2014 7:24PM

    Best wishes

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JUSTME9898 1/7/2014 7:22PM

    You made a great analysis of your pattern. Good luck with your plans.

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Invite to the Winter 5% Challenge...

Monday, January 06, 2014

Are you looking for a way to get fit, lose weight, and have fun along the way? Check out the Winter 5% Challenge! Team members will work towards losing 5% of their starting weight in 8 weeks by participating in team challenges that focus on exercise & healthy lifestyle habits. There is a spot for maintainers, too!

I have participated in two 5% challenges. I lost weight and learned more about nutrition and physical fitness. And the support is awesome! This round, I hope to return on the "Shooting Stars" team.

Lets have fun, make new friends and get in shape this Spring!

Here is the link:

PS The Winter 5% Challenge Community closes (becomes private) Wednesday midnight. If you would like to invite your friends, now is the time to do it. No late entrants will be accepted, cutoff is Wednesday.

Hope to see you there!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I can proudly say I don't have 5% to lose :)
Wishing you much success.

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IMREITE 1/7/2014 1:11AM

    i already joined a couple days ago. the 5% weight loss seems very doable and if i do a couple successfully i should get to ny goal weight loss for the year. i am not on a team yet. just waiting to hear back.

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LAURANCE 1/6/2014 8:23PM

  Maybe I'll do this. I am going to lose weight anyway.

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 1/6/2014 7:14PM

    Best wishes with the challenge. See you there!

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FatLoser Thoughts and Training...

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Today I woke up feeling loads better than yesterday. I was sort of surprised because my husband and I had to drive down to my older son's house at 1:30 AM - he found his finished basement flooded out. Turns out he never turned the outside spicket line off for the winter and the pipe burst. He has water remediation people there tearing carpet and walls out today. Anyway, I thought I would be tired today but I have a lot of energy.

I completed my second coaching session of This is a Free 30 day mental toughness coaching recommended by ONEKIDSMOM. It is really making me think and is helping me to focus on my goals. Yesterday, the coach said something that really clicked with me; it is the idea that healthy people think about every single thing they consume and how it is going to help/affect their body. I thought about the 5% Fall Challenge I was just involved in. We focused on sodium intake one week, fiber another week. I thought about our SparkPeople food trackers which make it so easy for us to know what is going in our bodies and how everything we consume balances out. So yesterday and today I focused on the above whenever I cooked a meal and consumed anything - including water. And today, I learned, I need to do this 100% of the time for 90 days to get over old habits. This will be a challenge when I go out with friends and I will have to focus on being "mentally tough".

I completed my 4th iFit HM training. Today was the first time since I started running again that I fell into what I like to call "the zone" where I felt like I could run forever. I thought about adding another training to today's schedule and then decided to leave well enough alone - my knee is doing great and I am looking forward to my daily training with Jillian - "kicks my butt" - Michaels. I am in for the long haul and don't want to get discouraged, burn out, or injure myself.

I completed a couple SparkPeople videos too. I am in search for a good yoga video - I haven't found one yet. Any suggestions would be most appreciated.

Have a great week!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WONDERGALE 1/6/2014 10:03PM

    I'm sorry to hear about your son's basement. Thanks for sharing. If I thought about how what I eat will effect my body, I wouldn't be eating half of the stuff I eat. I'm going to give that a try. Way to go on all your exercising. emoticon

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INFLATED 1/5/2014 7:14PM

    I am so sorry about your son's basement.

I need to head for the basement and use the elliptical since it rained here today and it will be icy tomorrow.

You are always motivated to exercise and that helps me to at least try to get some in.

My husband is coughing and sounds like he has a mild case of what I had.

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MJREIMERS 1/5/2014 6:48PM

    Yay, for you!! (Sorry to hear about the son's basement. That really stinks!) I'm so happy to hear the knee is holding up. Yes, DON'T overdo it or you will be back to watching from the sidelines.

Keep up the great work!! emoticon

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SABLENESS 1/5/2014 6:06PM

    I'm trying to remember to ask myself if what I'm about to eat will give me the energy I need. Glad you're better. Hope you get extra ZZZs tonight!

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SUNSHINE20113 1/5/2014 5:42PM

    I like Rodney Yee's power yoga. You can find it on iTunes. It might be a bit out of date, but I feel he really gets me to stretch out and think about each pose. Sparkpeople have plenty too, with different people doing them, so you could decide which one suits you most and then buy the full DVD if you wanted.
Taking it slow is the way to go, especially with bad knees. It helps them recover properly.

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No Excuses...

Saturday, January 04, 2014

What started out as allergies has blown into a really bad head cold/maybe flu! I thought the acupuncturist had cleared it all out, but it came back with a vengeance! The fact that my husband was and still is really sick didn't help either. He wouldn't stay home from work - hung in my office - ugh.

Yesterday morning I was going to hop on my treadmill but he was sleeping. My husband complains that it is too loud. He is 51 but acts like a grumpy, old man sometimes!

So I decided to wait until after work. Problem was I felt worse and worse as the day went on. Needless to say, I felt wiped out and didn't get my daily HM training in.

So, today, after 11 hours of straight sleep, I took a cold/flu medication cocktail, drank 2 big mugs of coffee and headed for, what I called it today,
the "Sweatmill".

I figured I would sweat the illness out, while getting my next iFit HM workout in.

As I ran, I realized that my sweatmill wouldn't let me down. It didn't take into consideration that I was sick, my lungs were hurting (I can't breath through my nose!) -- it just kept on changing my running speed up and inclines up and down. There was no mercy. It brought me back to a personal trainer that I had for 3 years. He was brutal - there were no excuses. And, here I am again.

I can see the Elk River as I run on my treadmill. We are home to quite a few Canadian Geese in the winter on the river. As I ran, I saw a huge flock of geese paddling away in the river so it won't freeze over.

The geese honk at one another all day and all night. I believe they are encouraging one another to keep paddling so they will be able to get food from the river to survive. It doesn't matter if the water is freezing or they are tired. They have to keep paddling like I have to keep training - no excuses!

We, through SparkPeople, are like the group of geese. Each of us has a plan to get healthy, and we encourage one another to keep going.

So, keep moving, my SparkFriends and remember: No Excuses!!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWKATHYNOW 1/5/2014 11:35PM

    Hope you feel better soon! You've got the right mind set!

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INFLATED 1/5/2014 5:00PM

    I hope you are feeling better today. Give your body time to rest during illness.
Thank you for your encouragement. I do hope 2014 will be our best year ever.

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_RAEVEN_ 1/5/2014 11:38AM

    I hope you feel better soon. emoticon

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MBTEPP 1/5/2014 9:13AM

    Feel better soon. Do listen to your body. Sometimes warming up the body can help sweat out the cold. sometimes it can prolong it. My cold kept rebounding on me during holidays.

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INFLATED 1/4/2014 9:18PM

    I would get so breathless with this flu or whatever it is. I got on the elliptical for 2 minutes and did 3 yesterday. I went for a walk today around the block. It is the steps to the basement that get me.

The doctor put me on serotonin to get me out of the depression. It helps with sleep too. Generally, I am awake all night and then I nap through the day. If the phone rings, I don't hear it. I told her I am on a different schedule than the rest of my family and want to get back to sleeping nights and being awake days.

The sugar levels have me scared because I don't know how long I have been that high. I am working on it though.

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SUNSHINE20113 1/4/2014 4:51PM

    What an amazing analogy! And so true. I hope that you feel better soon and I'm really impressed you made it to the treadmill in spite of feeling so ill.

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MJREIMERS 1/4/2014 4:36PM

    No excuses is right! Thanks for the reminder and motivation!! emoticon

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STRIVERONE 1/4/2014 2:38PM

    A cold can be a an excuse for skipping a workout or a reason for skipping one. If that merciless machine doesn't cure you, I hope you'll consider another rest day. Feel better.

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KRISZTA11 1/4/2014 2:11PM

    That cold sounds bad, I hope you and your hubby will be healthy soon!
Take good care of yourself!

I'm glad you were well enough to run and got a chance to watch the river and the geese. Being close to water, nature and wildlife is so nurturing!

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