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Day 1 of Mindful Living and Catching You Up to Speed...

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Calories Consumed: 1276
Fitness Minutes: 140

Last week I went on a last minute cruise with my son who has anorexia. He flew down to Ft Lauderdale on a Friday morning and by 4:30 PM said my husband and I could join him if we wanted. I think he got lonely fast and everyone telling him the trip wasn't a good idea in his condition started to sink in. Anyway, my husband had a lot to do and I was caught up at work so I ended up going. I flew down that Sunday and met my son on the ship. It was the "Allure of the Seas" which is currently the biggest cruise ship out there.
The ship was very nice and very clean. I saw the show "Chicago", comedy acts, diving acts - all were totally amazing. The only show I saw with my son was the comedy show. When we were on the ship we would meet for meals, most of the rest of the time I was on my own. I must admit I was pretty lonely - lots of families and couples hanging out together.

I did manage to get in the excursions he had booked in Jamaica and in Mexico. It turned out to be a very good thing that I went, my son literally passed out right in front of Bob Marley's crypt! He can't handle the heat at all. The Dr said between his low blood pressure and light tissues it's not good for him at all. It was very scary for me to see him go down. Two of us carried him out and into the shade. He didn't seem worried or scared at all!!

In Mexico he didn't do the snorkeling, tubing, biking or zip line. I am hoping he came to the realization that he couldn't do the things he paid for because of his health. He didn't even think to go in air conditioning or drink water. God knows what would have happened if I wasn't there. At any rate, I was so thankful when we both got home.

The highlight of my trip was learning how to flash mob dance. We took several lessons then actually did it the last night. It was a lot of fun. I liked zumba too and decided to sign up for it in my town. I did run 5k almost every day, too. But I did eat more than I should have which helped me along to today...

I went through my blogs when I lost the last that I had to and decided to join the Fall 5% Challenge. I also decided to go back on Nutrisystem and change up my exercise a bit. I have to get myself back in gear. I know it will help me deal with my stressors better. My husband and sons know I am doing it so they will have to go out to eat without me if that is what they want to do. I will make their dinner at home when they want it and eat something similar from Nutrisystem. I did it that way last time and it went well. I also told them I will be packing my work lunch. They said they will do the same thing. I feel better already knowing that I have a plan.

So, that is it for the moment! I hope you have a fantastic week!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN_NY 10/8/2013 11:42AM

    You are a hero, and a woman with a plan!! Woohoo!!

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SPAMUNDY 10/8/2013 8:10AM

    It's great that you could drop everything to help out your son.
I'm glad you're part of the Shooting Stars team for the fall 5% challenge.
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INFLATED 10/7/2013 4:38PM

    I am glad you were there for your son. It would be great if it would sink that he could do more of the things he wants to do, if he managed to eat and stay hydrated.

I don't know, sometimes I feel like it is easier to give up than it is to work toward trying to get better. Maybe he feels that way.

My doctor mentioned stomach bypass surgery to me. My brother-in-law had something done to his stomach. He lost a lot of weight, but then he began to regain. He rides about 14 miles a day on a stationery bike because he is blind. I don't want to go through that.

I am glad you are working on you again. I have never tried zumba, but in my younger days when I was single, I would dance on the weekends to keep the weight off and it worked. Now I can't keep up to the fast pace on exercise videos or do anything where I am standing on one foot or jumping. The left foot won't take that and swells badly if I try it.

I am glad to see you blogging and it is a good way to put your feelings in writing.

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SABLENESS 10/7/2013 9:15AM

    Glad you were able to go with your son. Disorders like that are SO hard on everyone involved. Sending you a big emoticonand emoticon

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EDENZMOM 10/7/2013 7:59AM

    I'm very proud of you that you were able to focus on your needs and goals through all of this. You're such a strong woman, and you are a rock within your family (and online family!)
Best wishes to you and your family, I hope everything starts winding down and goes back to "normal" soon
keep well, xo

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NELLJONES 10/7/2013 7:36AM

    Anorexia is a dreadful disorder. So obvious to anyone who doesn't have it and a terrible heartache to those watching.

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KIWIANN 10/6/2013 10:48PM

    Joining the 5% Challenge was a great idea and I am looking forward to it, too! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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144AUTUMN 10/6/2013 7:26PM

  keep up the good work!!

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A glimpse into family life and anorexia...

Thursday, September 19, 2013

I am just so sad...

My anorexic son booked a vacation - by himself. 2 days in Ft Lauderdale, FL then a 7 day cruise on Royal Carribean to Jamaica, Haiti, and 2 other places.
He is going by himself! - starts tomorrow!

My husband and I told him our feelings about it and he is still going. Next week will be the longest of our lives - EVER. Tonight I told him he has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. He just waved at me!

I hate anorexia! It has made my son a narcissist and reduced his brain to mush. He had a real high IQ before this started. Now he can't think and has to weigh himself three times a day.

I hate that damn scale! I am tired of the word "diet". What happened to just being healthy? 300lb plus people are healthier than my 100lb son.

And, guess what - bulemia isn't just about throwing up...excessive exercise is considered bulemia!

I am sorry if this freaks you out - it is a reality. One thing I have learned over the past 9 months of my son'a illness is that it doesn't take much to go over the other side, it is absolutely the most scariest nightmare to watch your child literally starve. An eating disorder IS A MENTAL DISORDER. and it affects everyone around the person who has it.


The reality is that I cry at some point every single day. Some days it is so hard to get up, but I do. My husband and I can't plan anything ahead - we have lost a lot of money on trips we have had to cancel last minute because we will be there for our son first. I thank God our relationship is solid - I can't begin to imagine going through this myself. I am going through hell.

The reality is that we have to follow our son into bathrooms and call him on throwing up; we have to watch him- starving - order a salad while he is starving literally to death. He has no life anymore, his fingers are ice cold and his sense if humor and ornary smile are completely gone.

I miss him so much - and he lives in my house.

What do I do? I pray A LOT. And I put all my trust in God. And I listen to positive music. And I run. and I have to get support on FEAST - a parent anorexic website. I have to go to social services to find out there is nothing I. can do because he is 24. My son knows how I feel. I have not held back. I can't - if I lose him at least I know I said my peace.

So, what is my point in telling all of you - trying to lose weight or maintain?

Please don't let it get obsessive. My son always goes back to when he was heavy in high school, so proud that he lost weight. He got compliments, so he kept going. Started eating half of everything - now its a quarter.

There is a fine line.

Please be careful ....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOLLYM48 9/28/2013 5:13PM

    I am so sorry for your pain and for your sons pain as well as I am sure that he suffers too. What a terrible thing to have to go thru for all of you.
I will pray for him and for you that he will find the right way to eat, the healthy way to live and come back to you. It is a fine line and we all have to remember that for sure.
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BEWELL48 9/28/2013 5:06PM

    My heart goes out to you! Did he return safely?

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EDENZMOM 9/23/2013 10:54AM

    urg what an ordeal...
I wish you and your family the best, and be so grateful that your husband is by your side. it means so much to have a partner that can hold you up.
I think we discussed this already, but from over a decade of paramedic experience... i don't know how it works in the USA, but in Canada we call the police and have the patient submitted for an evaluation (if they are not willing to do so on their own). If the patient shows that they are a threat to themselves, they are forcibly put into the system, by court order.
This may be your only hope... he may hate you for a while, but you are saving his life.
Maybe talk about it with your local ambulance or police station...
Good luck, and keep us posted. we are all thinking about you xoxo

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MY9STONEJOURNEY 9/23/2013 1:37AM

    This have touched me more than you will ever know.... and I THANK you.... this is coming from a young lady that struggled with Bulimia my entire high school career. I will lift you all in prayer!! I know the struggle!!

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Steph

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LYNNIERN 9/22/2013 6:59PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHERRY666 9/21/2013 10:53AM

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CHRISTASP 9/21/2013 3:57AM

    I am so sorry for all that you, and he, are going through.

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INFLATED 9/20/2013 9:08PM

    I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Mom was suicidal after Dad died and tried several times to take her own life. Once after she took pills, I told her that if she succeeded, I would publish in the paper that she died of a suicide. I don't know why, but after that, she never tried again. Perhaps she was embarrassed of having that known by the public.

I don't know what to tell you. He is an adult and you and your husband have given your all to try to help him. Just know that you have friends that love and care about you.

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MWWENSIN 9/20/2013 3:58PM

    Wow. I am sorry for the hard time you're going through. I hope you are receiving counseling in whatever form feels right - from professionals or friends extended family or church members.

Obviously you love your child. I wonder what motivates him to be selfdestructive? Course I'm sure you'd like to know that answer too.

I have lost a family member to suicide and have a niece who has suicidal thoughts and practices cutting sometimes. She is seeing a counselor. I wish I could really understand these situations but I can't.

Stay strong for your child, hopefully he will see his actions are not healthy. Until then as you already know it will be difficult. Do the best you can. Glad you have a great marriage and have some people to lean on.

Continue to vent as necessary. We're all pulling for you. We do care about you.

The week will be over soon. Keep your week busy and get support from whomever you need.

I'm sure your son still loves you even if it is not evident in his actions.

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KAREN_NY 9/20/2013 11:46AM

    I grieve for you, truly.

With my stepdaughter I learned that it is not necessarily about "that feels good so I'll lose a little more." In her case, there was no unhealthy weight to begin with - it was a control thing. The mental health issues that really are the foundation of eating disorders are deeper, and may be different for different people. (Control, fear, tentative sense of self-worth...) They are there before the obsession with food or exercise begins, and the obsession is a manifestation of them. Those same mental health issues, combined with malnutrition, can rob us of our loved ones, and of a part of ourselves. I've been in that horror, and am sending thoughts and prayers your way. It's beyond scary, and I only wish there was something "practical" I could do for you.

As you've mentioned before, as heartbreaking as it is, there is a point at which he owns it, and the best you can do is care for your own hurt and your own well-being.

(((hugs)))

Comment edited on: 9/20/2013 11:49:13 AM

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ANNROW0354 9/20/2013 9:47AM

    You did a very courageous thing by sharing your pain and I'm sure that anyone who even thinks his/her child may have an eating disorder will look more closely after reading your blog. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your husband and son. Stay strong and take care of yourself. emoticon

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IFDEEVARUNS2 9/20/2013 8:21AM

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KRISZTA11 9/20/2013 6:59AM

    I'm so sorry and I'm sending my best wishes and loving thoughts to you and your family.
It steals away so much mental and physical energy from you, and still there so so little help at all...
Now what he will be away try not to worry about what he is doing.
I hope you and your husband will get some rest and peace during this week.
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ADZY86 9/20/2013 6:37AM

    Thank you for sharing your story with us all. I am so sorry you're going through this; as a parent it must be so so difficult to have to watch this happening. I really hope he gets the help he needs, soon. All you can do is continue to love and support him, say your piece and know you are doing everything you can do.

I think the warning you've given us all is spot on. There really is a thin, thin line. I am sad to say that I think i've seen it quite a few times here on Spark. I know everyone has their own journey and their own goal weight, but sometimes I look at blogs/read spark pages and I think "you're going too far!" I never judge anyone or say anything, because who am I? But I sometimes just hope and pray that everyone has someone in their lives like you, someone who will tell it like it is.

Even myself. Even though I am still heavy and have never gotten to my "goal weight" (whatever that is...the weight I'm happy with I mean) I have found myself many, many times getting overly obsessive. Cutting way back on food, over-exercising, lying about what I'm eating and how much I'm doing, thinking about losing weight constantly, binging and purging, desperate thoughts etc. Thankfully I've always been able to pull myself back into reality before it goes too far, but I am always mindful of it.

Anyway, I won't keep going on. But thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it. And I'll be thinking of your son emoticon

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OVERWORKEDJANET 9/20/2013 4:51AM

    It is very difficult to watch your adult children make terrible life choices. I have been there with other life threatening problems. Ensure your get counseling, it can help you.

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BEST_OF_ARIN 9/19/2013 10:35PM

    I am incredibly sorry this is happening to your son, you and your family. I'm glad you are there for him and that you let him know that. Please continue to keep yourself healthy and my thoughts are with you all. emoticon

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LIVE2RUN4LIFE 9/19/2013 10:34PM

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KATHY98665 9/19/2013 10:32PM

    I am so sorry for your pain in seeing your son this way. How helpless you must feel...sending you hugs and prayers as you deal with this and that your son comes to realize the damage he is doing to himself and his relationships..thank you for sharing. emoticon emoticon

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One Week Until The Philly Rock-N-Roll Half Marathon..

Sunday, September 08, 2013

I have hung in there with my training. I hit 10.5 miles last week. My left knee is bothering me somewhat so I am putting bio freeze on it nightly. I think the shot I got is wearing off, but I will be okay for the race.

I am running with two teachers. This is one of the teacher's first half marathons. I am really excited for her. She told me I inspired her to run. That makes me feel good.

We are going to have fun with this one. There is a rock band every mile and it is a flat race. My younger son is going with me the day before. We are going to stay at a hotel right by the starting line. I dont want to deal with race day traffic in Philly. (there is an Eagles game and Phillies game the same day as the race!) We are going to hit the expo and he wants to go to Fogo de Chao. He is a weight lifter and practices jujitsu so he loves steak and lots of food.
There is a rock concert after the HM so we all should enjoy the weekend.

While we are in Philly, my husband and other son will be in Baltimore for the Ravens game - so we will all be busy!

Tomorrow I am going to run 7 miles, then 3-4 the rest of the week. I have been walking a lot more too now that the weather is cooler for the Bostons.
I am more mindful about what I am eating and tracking my food again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SABLENESS 9/16/2013 10:39PM

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OPTIMIST1948 9/16/2013 8:07PM

    It sounds to me like balance is re-entering your life. Well done and lood guck on the HM

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OVERWORKEDJANET 9/10/2013 9:17PM

    Where is the starting line?


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KAREN_NY 9/10/2013 3:54PM

    Good luck girl, and have FUN!!!! I've already said a million times that I wish I could go this year too, but I'll be there in spirit. What a great running party it'll be!!!

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Comment edited on: 9/10/2013 3:54:24 PM

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INFLATED 9/9/2013 5:18PM

    Philadelphia is about 3 hours from here. I am glad that you will be doing this run. It sounds like you will have a good time all day long. Think about those shoes with wings, lol!

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IFDEEVARUNS2 9/9/2013 10:25AM

    Good luck! This really sounds like a fun trip. I love Fogo de Chao, but I would save it for after-race.

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KIMPY225 9/9/2013 9:24AM

    Best of luck at the half marathon! I am not too close from Philly! I am definitely not ready to run as far as you do though!

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MARGARITTM 9/9/2013 9:10AM

    Have fun with this - you have trained well! This is just the icing..... hope the cooler temps stay with you.

Can't wait to read about it!

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EDENZMOM 9/9/2013 7:59AM

    oh Im so happy for you!
you sound so focused and so determined. I'm so happy that you have a goal and you're going to meet it soon and accomplish.
I'll be rooting for you!!

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LIVE2RUN4LIFE 9/8/2013 11:28PM

    Have a great race!

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MAGGIE805 9/8/2013 11:04PM

    That sounds like so much fun! Good luck emoticon

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BAREFOOTGRL 9/8/2013 9:54PM

    Good luck. It sounds like this will be a fun trip.

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TIMOTHYNOHE 9/8/2013 9:54PM

    Last year, the Ravens were in Philly the day we ran the RnR. It was pretty cool to be representing for Baltimore in "enemy" territory.

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No Matter How You Feel, Get Up, Dress Up, Show Up, and NEVER Give Up...

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.

I needed time to focus more on myself. My 24 year old son's obsessive compulsive disorder took over my life and my husband's life through his anorexia. He can be very manipulative -- who wants to see their child not eat when they are severely malnourished?

Through a lot of thought and focus and anger I realized this and decided:

1. It isn't fair to me and my family
2. It is feeding my son's OCD even more

So, I am working on getting myself back. Yes, it is still sad and he is still very ill, but dwelling on it isn't helping me at all. I am sure I will occasionally mention him, but I cannot focus on it 24/7 so don't be surprised if I don't bring him up all the time. I do appreciate your continued prayers for him :)

So... what have I been up to you ask?

A couple months ago I signed up for the Philadelphia Rock-N-Roll Half Marathon. It is being held September 15. I figured it would get me motivated to start running again. For a while there, I thought I was going to drop out. I hadn't run in 9 whole weeks!

Well, I started back running last week. I am running at a slower pace to get my muscles and lungs back to a good flow (and not burn out!) I am up to 5 miles. I plan to run 3 - 4 miles on my short run days. I will run a 6 mile run the early part of next week and 7 miles next weekend. I should be at 10 in a couple weeks. I will run 10 a couple times before the race and should be set.
It won't be my fastest but the fact that I am doing this and will complete it with so much going on will make it such a fantastic personal victory for me.



When I started back to running a couple weeks ago my mind was so cloudy with all the negativity of my son's illness. I was feeling very sorry for myself and thought about it the whole time I ran. I wasn't really motivated to train but did it anyway. I just kept thinking "Just Keep Going". Today while I was running I realized I am not thinking about it the whole time I am out there anymore. I am paying more attention to my running music and thinking about other things I have to do or new ideas or the race that is coming up or races I have run. I realized the Philly race is almost one year to the date of my first 1/2 marathon. I am not in shape like I was last year - darn it! - but I am still going!
And...I will slowly get back there now that we are not eating out all the time.

We did get a new addition to our family this summer!
My son got a new dog, Maizey. She is a 1 1/2 year old Boston Terrier. Here she is with Roxy on the boat...



To add to our chaos, she now lives at our house, too, while he is "recovering" and staying at our house. Roxy is the boss, has lost all of her bottom front teeth proving it while fighting/playing with toys!

I hope you are having a fantastic weekend! Thanks for your continued support!






  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFLATED 9/4/2013 4:18AM

    Great title for a blog. Running used to help me when I was stressed. It is good for you to make time and take time for yourself. The saying about the oxygen mask holds true for life, we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Even this commandment speaks of loving oneself. Do not let guilt set in.

Your son has to be accountable for himself, we cannot change anyone. We can change our attitude and I think this is going to be a good change for you. Running gives you time to think and to pray.

I had to have my teeth scaled with a water pick and the dental hygienist
asked me if I was okay. She said they would have had to numb her so she could endure it. The room had music from the 1960's playing, and I told her that I was thinking about dancing to the songs or what was going on in my life when certain songs were popular. Music can draw our thoughts away from that which is painful or it can do just the opposite, if it reminds us of a lost love.

I am cheering you on in the goals you have posted. I think working toward them will do you good.

Have you seen pictures of dogs with dentures, lol!



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LYNNIERN 8/25/2013 12:08PM

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CHICA_BORICUA 8/20/2013 7:51AM

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EDENZMOM 8/19/2013 10:02AM

    so happy to hear you blogging again!
you're a very strong woman, and I'm so happy that you're running again. I need to get my lungs back into running shape as well. I committed to my first real race in a few months, so I'm excited and motivated to get on that as well.
Looking forward to hearing more about your runs :)

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NEWKATHYNOW 8/18/2013 8:38PM

    Hey, girl! Good for you. Life has to have some sense of normalcy just to flow. Running, especially with music, should help in so many ways. Good luck with the half marathon. I'll be thinking about you that day. I'll be at a women's district meeting for our church women so I'll remember the day! emoticon

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REMEMBER2BME 8/18/2013 10:27AM

    I am just so very happy that you are placing focused on you. That is no doubt key. I am so impressed. Sounds like you have a plan and are sticking to it!!! GO girl!

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KRISZTA11 8/18/2013 5:07AM

    I believe moving yourself up on your priority list is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your son.

Enjoy your runs and good luck to your race!
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SWEDE_SU 8/18/2013 2:35AM

    sorry to hear you've been having a tough time of it - it certainly isn't an easy road to travel. glad you are getting back to your running, it is so good to have something to reach for. and i love the way the music takes me out of whatever is bothering me at the time. keep putting one foot in front of the other! emoticon

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IMREITE 8/18/2013 12:48AM

    it is great that you got back to running again. it is hard when there is emotional issues but the exercise will at lease help destress you.

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SMORECAMPING 8/17/2013 10:53PM

    I have experience with dealing with people with eating disorders...it is not easy. I will pray for your son and I am happy for you that you are finding your space again. I know its a day to day process. Prayers to your son for a progressive successful recovery.

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FRENCHTOSD 8/17/2013 10:49PM

    It's nice to read this, Deanna. I'm glad you are putting yourself first and I know how hard that is when your child is involved. Enjoy your runs. Sharon

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ONEKIDSMOM 8/17/2013 8:17PM

    Great insight... seems like you have turned a corner, recognizing that obsessing on your child's illness is not helping you... it also doesn't really help HIM take the responsibility for his own health that he needs. You're still on my prayer list... take good care of YOU, because that ol' oxygen mask has to be on YOUR face before you can help anyone else with theirs, right?

Not that you don't know all that on an intellectual level, but "tell it to the gut" is another story. Time for the mind to take charge, and sounds like it is doing just that!

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MSSHERRY10 8/17/2013 3:57PM

  Love the coffee note! Glad your taking time for yourself. I find running is a good time to clear your head. I wish you well on your training. emoticon

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KAREN_NY 8/17/2013 3:50PM

    Love this -- the coffee stop photo, the fact that you're running and shifting gears, and the support that this gives me for trying another HM this fall even though I'm not back where I wanted to be yet either.

Philly is going to be a great celebration of your personal victory!!! My hip won't tolerate the drive AND all the running, or I'd be there with you! I'll have to keep it local for now, and just work on getting a little stronger and a little stronger...

Sorry to hear about Roxy's teeth - omg! But I hope the two puppers have worked it out.

Cheers!
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MJREIMERS 8/17/2013 3:10PM

    It's not easy having a child with an eating disorder. It's been a year this month that we found out my oldest was suffering with one for four years. She is the one playing soccer in college this year! She also has a lot of anxiety in general so I'm sure it goes along with the ED.

She is now recovering, long story, and is doing well. She is very honest with me and will let me know how she's feeling so we can talk before she has a relapse. So here are some big emoticon from one that understands!

I also understand the need to concentrate on us! To be the best we can be and to focus on ourselves. Our children are adults, technically emoticon , and we can't make them do anything at this point. We can love them and support them, but we do need to take care of ourselves.

So you JUST DO IT! Go for that 1/2! I'm trying to get the guts up to commit to one...and to find the money. (We are just trying to be very frugal and get some things paid off. The oldest is responsible for paying for her college, but we want to help where/when we can.)

Hang in there and keep at it. I can't wait to hear about the 1/2!!!

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LIVE2RUN4LIFE 8/17/2013 12:24PM

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FITFOODIE806 8/17/2013 11:22AM

    You are such an inspiration! I hope the training miles are going good for you. Happy running!!!

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A Hard Blog To Write...

Monday, July 01, 2013

Well, I am an optimist, and I hate to write anything less than that on this site. I always look at the bright side but 2013 is really testing me. My oldest son
- age 24 - has anorexia. I am still in such disbelief everytime I think about it. Anyway, he is back at his own house. He bought a dog, a Boston terrier. They are the best breed ever - look at Roxy - so, I have no problem wth that. My son's therapist in California kept suggestioning it so I guess my son decided to try. My son and his dog stay at my house a lot. Roxy is the boss and the puppy is sweet and house trained so it works out ok.

My son is still very thin. Not sure how much he weighs, but I would guess -110. He cuts his food up really small. He did start to add carbs this week (half of a potato). It is strange to watch him eat. He makes all of his food so small. I did figure out if I stay at the table a long time he eats whole serving, but it is an extra half hour. I will sit there for as long as it takes!

How am I? Not good if I went to the doctor. I have gained 10+ lbs, my blood pressure is up and I haven't run in 2 weeks. I have no motivation and quite frankly, just trying to breath. I hope none of you ever have to go through this in your lifetime. Actually, one of my close Sparkfriends has - and maintained their sense if humor - God, I hope I will and hope my son survives the way her daughter did. Anyway, I live day by day, minute by minute. I am now living at home. It is do hard working snd taking care of him, but I am doing it. I literally have no drive to run or even walk.

I am a mess! I have thought about ways to end my life to get out of the pain I have in my heart, but then I think of my family and try again to
make it all better.

I love reading how you are doing! I read all of your blogs and status updates. I look forward to the day when I can do that again!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REMEMBER2BME 8/18/2013 10:16AM

    I am so sorry I have not kept up. I hope you are doing better. I can't imagine the weight on your shoulders. HUGS

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NEWKATHYNOW 7/5/2013 10:25PM

    It sounds like it might be time for you to talk to someone. You're under an incredible amount of stress and have been for months now. The thought of you doing any harm to yourself is unbearable to anyone who even knows you at all, but would crush your family. You are a very strong person but every one needs help at some point in their life. I went for counseling when my husband died suddenly. It didn't change anything but it sure changed the way I coped with it all. I've had you in my prayers since this all started but I'm adding you to our church's prayer list as well. emoticon

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INFLATED 7/5/2013 8:52PM

    Hey, do you want to come for a visit? You are handling it, though it doesn't seem like it to you. Just get the thought of suicide out of your mind.

My husband and I would welcome you here. You would have to leave Roxy because my rottweiler might tangle with her.

I met my son's girlfriend for the first time this summer. I met her Dad when he and her brother came over to eat with us. This was the first time we did anything "all" together. My son said he wants to move back home in August. Not knowing where I am at in my life, this is good. He is wants to save for a townhouse.

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HLTHYLIVN_BAM 7/3/2013 11:14AM

    emoticon

You have always amazed me that you share your heartaches and your successes so openly here. It is great that you find support here because you give so much support at home. Hang in there and remember that your friends here support you!!

Comment edited on: 7/3/2013 11:15:57 AM

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KAREN_NY 7/2/2013 2:09PM

    (((hugs)))
Heartache is hell. No, really.
Thinking of you each day...


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MAMMER3 7/2/2013 9:48AM

    I wait and watch for you to write, it might be hard and it might be short but sometimes it helps to just get it out there is something therapeutic about writing your feelings and just whats happening. Just know we are here to listen. It might be small steps but hopefully in the right direction!! Good Luck and not trying to be selfish or mean but take time for yourself you might not feel like it but after the long dinner go for a short walk not even for weight just for your mind!!

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FITFOODIE806 7/2/2013 9:23AM

    I think about you everyday.
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CELIAMINER 7/2/2013 9:15AM

    No advice from me, as I haven't faced what you are saddled with. Just
emoticon emoticon

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NELLJONES 7/2/2013 8:04AM

    There are support groups out there for families of anorexics. It IS a family illness. It's not like there is medication to "cure"it. Your role is more like that of Roxy, one of uncritical support and love. Sounds weird,but you'll need to cultivate the aspects of a dog.

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SWEETYOUNGTHING 7/2/2013 6:25AM

    You are in my prayers and thoughts - as others have suggested, please do seek counseling. Hopefully your son will be open to seeking help as well.

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OPTIMIST1948 7/2/2013 3:56AM

    Are you in your own therapy? It might be worth investigating. You might feel better if you had someone - some place to put all these feelings. Not that Spark isnt a great place to put feelings, but sometimes you need a little more. I'm glad Boy Child is home tho.

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IMREITE 7/2/2013 1:05AM

    we all have ups and downs and it is hard for us to sometimes help others if they are not willing to get help. at least your sun is surrounding himseld with support.

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BUCKEYEMOM8 7/1/2013 11:44PM

  As a mom, whose teenaged son experienced a debilitating bout of depression, I understand some of the feelings you are describing. I am praying for both you and your son and sending you positive thoughts. My son is much better now and we have come a long way out of the darkness. Take care of yourself. Your son needs a strong and healthy mom! emoticon

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ANDYLIN90 7/1/2013 11:38PM

    Believe me, I know how hard it is to confront the truth when you've gained back weight that you thought was gone forever. I'm now confronting that truth and starting to slowly get back on track.

I would really encourage you to see your doctor and talk about how you are feeling. You are obviously carrying a heavy load. I'm concerned you have actually thought about suicide. Even though your family seems to bring you some comfort, medication might help with your depressive thoughts.
emoticon
Linda

Comment edited on: 7/1/2013 11:39:10 PM

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LIVE2RUN4LIFE 7/1/2013 11:35PM

    emoticon emoticon

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GINA180847 7/1/2013 11:19PM

    It is just not right or kind to have this burden placed on you but what the heck! Who'd have thought having a child would result in this kind of pain.

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EDENZMOM 7/1/2013 11:18PM

    I'm so glad that you're back in your own home and not travelling anymore like we have been for the past few months. Maybe you are just getting used to being back home, and this hard new routine of work then caring for your son. it's demanding, but I'm sure that you will find a way to find your motivation again.
just try to remember how it feels when you run, look back at some of your previous posts.
You're an inspiration to many of us, and we are also looking forward to the day when you can put this all behind you.
Stay positive, and keep being the best mom he needs :)
xoxo

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SABLENESS 7/1/2013 11:07PM

    Hopefully the dog will be a healing presence for him. Hang on there, dear; you're doing the best you can. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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