ROXYZMOM   83,679
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Stay Calm and Spark On..,

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Yesterday I didn't get enough calories in. I had forgotten my packed lunch at home, and had carpooled to work..lesson learned - I will take a whole week's worth of lunches in every Monday!

Anyway, I must have felt hungry while I was sleeping because I actually dreamt that a friend left a clear bag with lemon and chocolate squares on a seat next to me. I could see the squares and couldn't resist temptation so I ate 1 1/2 of them. In my dream I thought about my diet, but thought "what the heck, I will eat them anyway!" I was relieved when I woke up and realized it was a dream!

It's amazing how the mind continues to work out our problems while we are asleep! Every day this week I have been invited out to eat and have declined.

I am gonna stay calm and Spark on!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFLATED 10/11/2013 10:39PM

    I had to laugh about dreaming about eating.

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MWWENSIN 10/10/2013 7:37PM

    What kind of friend would leave lemon squares next to you when you'rehungry. Great job turning then down in your sleep! Great willpower.

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SPARKLED146 10/10/2013 5:20PM

    Dreams can be funny. Good thing you didn't wake up and find you had eaten your pillow!

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KRISZTA11 10/10/2013 4:06PM

    Sorry about the lunch bag left at home!
Must have felt bad to think about the nice healthy food you prepared, and no replacement available...
Once I left my lunch bag at home but my DD noticed it on my desk and run after me with the bag, just in time!

Funny dream : )

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KIMPY225 10/10/2013 12:02PM

    Sorry you didn't get enough! I also didn't get enough to eat the other day. Somehow I wasn't hungry though! That is a funny dream!

emoticon That plan sounds good to bring in extra just in case!

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KIWIANN 10/10/2013 11:49AM

    I love the last line of your blog- Stay calm and Spark on! Great idea!! emoticon

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BOILHAM 10/10/2013 11:40AM

    Agree with Fitfoodie, I was going to say what she said. You have willpower even in your dreams.
I've been retired for almost 7 years and I still work in my dreams. Sometimes from a job I had 40 years ago.

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-POLEDANCEGIRL- 10/10/2013 10:51AM

    I sleep eat, like sleep walking but I eat. Its a good idea to take lunches in on Mondays. I need to do that too

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IFDEEVARUNS2 10/10/2013 9:53AM

    Too funny. I have dreams like this where I indulge in everything. And like you experience relief when I wake up to find out I didn't REALLY do it.

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KAREN_NY 10/10/2013 8:57AM

    I hope it's ok that this made me laugh. :) Good on ya'!!

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EDENZMOM 10/10/2013 8:01AM

    I'm glad you only dream-ate 1.5 squares. That alone is resistance. You're doing great and your willpower is incredible.

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FITFOODIE806 10/10/2013 7:52AM

    Love that dream. You have willpower in your sleep!!

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NELLJONES 10/10/2013 7:48AM

    Didn't you feel relieved to wake up and know it was a dream?

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The Most Beautiful Sunset Ever...

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Calories Consumed: 1123
Fitness Minutes: 0

I had to bolt early to work this morning, and got back just in time to see the sunset!

It was simply stunning!

I did pack my lunch again before I ran out the door, and I ate well-balanced meals. I am going to pull up a Spark video or two tonight - I haven't had a chance to pick up a Zumba video. I may end up ordering one on Amazon tonight, not sure when I can get to the store.

Anyway, tonight my husband and son wanted to go to a local restaurant for dinner to get buffalo chicken nachos. They went and I stayed home :)
I also got invited to 1/2 price burger night at the restaurant next to my house - literally next door - I can walk there! I declined that offer too. Anyway, it isn't hard to see why I gained some weight back!

I spent some time after dinner going through the Shooting Stars team page. I think I have all my templates set up now, I should be ready to go!

Have a fantastic evening!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FREES1 10/10/2013 9:07AM

    it is a gorgeous sunset - thanks for sharing it.. and best wishes with your plans.. going out could be enjoyable and need not be a bad thing food-wise.. moderation is the key! burger with salad instead of fries.. and some sort of alternative to nachos maybe?
packing lunch is a great way to control the daytime.. congrats on getting that habit underway...
enjoy the Challenge star!

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KAREN_NY 10/9/2013 10:12AM

    Beautiful! On all levels. :)

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EDENZMOM 10/9/2013 9:35AM

    ...buffalo chicken nachos? I'll go instead of you!
just kidding... good for you, it takes big willpower, and I'm glad they have nothing like that (that i know of) in my area.
I hope you have a great and strong rest of your week xo

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IFDEEVARUNS2 10/9/2013 8:42AM


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KELLIEBEAN 10/9/2013 8:16AM

    Wow that takes your breath away. What a wonderful moment.

Good job turning down half price hamburgers!


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    It was awesome here too. Glad you had your camera. We've has some really breathtaking sunrises and sunsets lately here,

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INFLATED 10/9/2013 4:18AM

    That is gorgeous!

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GRANDMABABA 10/8/2013 10:50PM

    A good day with a breathtaking finale! Awesome!

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SABLENESS 10/8/2013 8:58PM

    Exquisite! And here's a emoticon for you!

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POLYANNA2 10/8/2013 8:53PM

    Gorgeous sunset indeed! Awesome job of looking temptation right in the eye and thumbing your nose at it, and feeling good about it. Way to go!!!

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KIWIANN 10/8/2013 8:25PM

    You are right - that sunset is simply stunning! Great job with your food choices today - especially resisting the restaurants!! Have a great evening!

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LJOYCE55 10/8/2013 7:42PM

  Sounds like you treated yourself very well today and are having a well deserved contented evening. Great.

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Monday and a Free Vacation...

Monday, October 07, 2013

Calories Consumed: 1143
Fitness Minutes: 20

After I walked the Bostons this morning I spent my entire work day
in front of the computer. Last week I changed all of the hardware and software. And I also had to upgrade to Windows 8...ugh!

I did pack my lunch which worked out great. I was going to walk the dogs after dinner but we are getting a lot of rain.

My husband and I received a free 4 day, 3 night voucher to Secrets in Jamaica. They gave us the voucher last October because Hurricane Sandy hit. We booked a trip there for the last week in October. M
Our friends said they would keep an eye in our sick son. His brother will check on him as well. My husband and I really need the break and time for us. And we aren't wasting free days at an all inclusive!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFLATED 10/9/2013 4:17AM

    You need this time together.

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KAREN_NY 10/8/2013 11:43AM

    Excellent!!! Just what you need! So happy for you!!

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EDENZMOM 10/8/2013 7:37AM

    That sounds magnificent! and it's not like you are putting this off for 6 months. Exciting stuff, and quality alone time is key.

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KRISZTA11 10/8/2013 7:00AM

    Wonderful opportunity to get some rest and enjoy each other's company.
I'm happy for you!

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SABLENESS 10/7/2013 8:20PM

    Awesome! You and hubby richly deserve it. emoticon emoticon

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Day 1 of Mindful Living and Catching You Up to Speed...

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Calories Consumed: 1276
Fitness Minutes: 140

Last week I went on a last minute cruise with my son who has anorexia. He flew down to Ft Lauderdale on a Friday morning and by 4:30 PM said my husband and I could join him if we wanted. I think he got lonely fast and everyone telling him the trip wasn't a good idea in his condition started to sink in. Anyway, my husband had a lot to do and I was caught up at work so I ended up going. I flew down that Sunday and met my son on the ship. It was the "Allure of the Seas" which is currently the biggest cruise ship out there.
The ship was very nice and very clean. I saw the show "Chicago", comedy acts, diving acts - all were totally amazing. The only show I saw with my son was the comedy show. When we were on the ship we would meet for meals, most of the rest of the time I was on my own. I must admit I was pretty lonely - lots of families and couples hanging out together.

I did manage to get in the excursions he had booked in Jamaica and in Mexico. It turned out to be a very good thing that I went, my son literally passed out right in front of Bob Marley's crypt! He can't handle the heat at all. The Dr said between his low blood pressure and light tissues it's not good for him at all. It was very scary for me to see him go down. Two of us carried him out and into the shade. He didn't seem worried or scared at all!!

In Mexico he didn't do the snorkeling, tubing, biking or zip line. I am hoping he came to the realization that he couldn't do the things he paid for because of his health. He didn't even think to go in air conditioning or drink water. God knows what would have happened if I wasn't there. At any rate, I was so thankful when we both got home.

The highlight of my trip was learning how to flash mob dance. We took several lessons then actually did it the last night. It was a lot of fun. I liked zumba too and decided to sign up for it in my town. I did run 5k almost every day, too. But I did eat more than I should have which helped me along to today...

I went through my blogs when I lost the last that I had to and decided to join the Fall 5% Challenge. I also decided to go back on Nutrisystem and change up my exercise a bit. I have to get myself back in gear. I know it will help me deal with my stressors better. My husband and sons know I am doing it so they will have to go out to eat without me if that is what they want to do. I will make their dinner at home when they want it and eat something similar from Nutrisystem. I did it that way last time and it went well. I also told them I will be packing my work lunch. They said they will do the same thing. I feel better already knowing that I have a plan.

So, that is it for the moment! I hope you have a fantastic week!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN_NY 10/8/2013 11:42AM

    You are a hero, and a woman with a plan!! Woohoo!!

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SPAMUNDY 10/8/2013 8:10AM

    It's great that you could drop everything to help out your son.
I'm glad you're part of the Shooting Stars team for the fall 5% challenge.

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INFLATED 10/7/2013 4:38PM

    I am glad you were there for your son. It would be great if it would sink that he could do more of the things he wants to do, if he managed to eat and stay hydrated.

I don't know, sometimes I feel like it is easier to give up than it is to work toward trying to get better. Maybe he feels that way.

My doctor mentioned stomach bypass surgery to me. My brother-in-law had something done to his stomach. He lost a lot of weight, but then he began to regain. He rides about 14 miles a day on a stationery bike because he is blind. I don't want to go through that.

I am glad you are working on you again. I have never tried zumba, but in my younger days when I was single, I would dance on the weekends to keep the weight off and it worked. Now I can't keep up to the fast pace on exercise videos or do anything where I am standing on one foot or jumping. The left foot won't take that and swells badly if I try it.

I am glad to see you blogging and it is a good way to put your feelings in writing.

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SABLENESS 10/7/2013 9:15AM

    Glad you were able to go with your son. Disorders like that are SO hard on everyone involved. Sending you a big emoticonand emoticon

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EDENZMOM 10/7/2013 7:59AM

    I'm very proud of you that you were able to focus on your needs and goals through all of this. You're such a strong woman, and you are a rock within your family (and online family!)
Best wishes to you and your family, I hope everything starts winding down and goes back to "normal" soon
keep well, xo

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NELLJONES 10/7/2013 7:36AM

    Anorexia is a dreadful disorder. So obvious to anyone who doesn't have it and a terrible heartache to those watching.

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KIWIANN 10/6/2013 10:48PM

    Joining the 5% Challenge was a great idea and I am looking forward to it, too! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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144AUTUMN 10/6/2013 7:26PM

  keep up the good work!!

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A glimpse into family life and anorexia...

Thursday, September 19, 2013

I am just so sad...

My anorexic son booked a vacation - by himself. 2 days in Ft Lauderdale, FL then a 7 day cruise on Royal Carribean to Jamaica, Haiti, and 2 other places.
He is going by himself! - starts tomorrow!

My husband and I told him our feelings about it and he is still going. Next week will be the longest of our lives - EVER. Tonight I told him he has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. He just waved at me!

I hate anorexia! It has made my son a narcissist and reduced his brain to mush. He had a real high IQ before this started. Now he can't think and has to weigh himself three times a day.

I hate that damn scale! I am tired of the word "diet". What happened to just being healthy? 300lb plus people are healthier than my 100lb son.

And, guess what - bulemia isn't just about throwing up...excessive exercise is considered bulemia!

I am sorry if this freaks you out - it is a reality. One thing I have learned over the past 9 months of my son'a illness is that it doesn't take much to go over the other side, it is absolutely the most scariest nightmare to watch your child literally starve. An eating disorder IS A MENTAL DISORDER. and it affects everyone around the person who has it.

The reality is that I cry at some point every single day. Some days it is so hard to get up, but I do. My husband and I can't plan anything ahead - we have lost a lot of money on trips we have had to cancel last minute because we will be there for our son first. I thank God our relationship is solid - I can't begin to imagine going through this myself. I am going through hell.

The reality is that we have to follow our son into bathrooms and call him on throwing up; we have to watch him- starving - order a salad while he is starving literally to death. He has no life anymore, his fingers are ice cold and his sense if humor and ornary smile are completely gone.

I miss him so much - and he lives in my house.

What do I do? I pray A LOT. And I put all my trust in God. And I listen to positive music. And I run. and I have to get support on FEAST - a parent anorexic website. I have to go to social services to find out there is nothing I. can do because he is 24. My son knows how I feel. I have not held back. I can't - if I lose him at least I know I said my peace.

So, what is my point in telling all of you - trying to lose weight or maintain?

Please don't let it get obsessive. My son always goes back to when he was heavy in high school, so proud that he lost weight. He got compliments, so he kept going. Started eating half of everything - now its a quarter.

There is a fine line.

Please be careful ....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOLLYM48 9/28/2013 5:13PM

    I am so sorry for your pain and for your sons pain as well as I am sure that he suffers too. What a terrible thing to have to go thru for all of you.
I will pray for him and for you that he will find the right way to eat, the healthy way to live and come back to you. It is a fine line and we all have to remember that for sure.

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BEWELL48 9/28/2013 5:06PM

    My heart goes out to you! Did he return safely?

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EDENZMOM 9/23/2013 10:54AM

    urg what an ordeal...
I wish you and your family the best, and be so grateful that your husband is by your side. it means so much to have a partner that can hold you up.
I think we discussed this already, but from over a decade of paramedic experience... i don't know how it works in the USA, but in Canada we call the police and have the patient submitted for an evaluation (if they are not willing to do so on their own). If the patient shows that they are a threat to themselves, they are forcibly put into the system, by court order.
This may be your only hope... he may hate you for a while, but you are saving his life.
Maybe talk about it with your local ambulance or police station...
Good luck, and keep us posted. we are all thinking about you xoxo

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MY9STONEJOURNEY 9/23/2013 1:37AM

    This have touched me more than you will ever know.... and I THANK you.... this is coming from a young lady that struggled with Bulimia my entire high school career. I will lift you all in prayer!! I know the struggle!!

emoticon emoticon


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LYNNIERN 9/22/2013 6:59PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHERRY666 9/21/2013 10:53AM


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CHRISTASP 9/21/2013 3:57AM

    I am so sorry for all that you, and he, are going through.

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INFLATED 9/20/2013 9:08PM

    I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Mom was suicidal after Dad died and tried several times to take her own life. Once after she took pills, I told her that if she succeeded, I would publish in the paper that she died of a suicide. I don't know why, but after that, she never tried again. Perhaps she was embarrassed of having that known by the public.

I don't know what to tell you. He is an adult and you and your husband have given your all to try to help him. Just know that you have friends that love and care about you.

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MWWENSIN 9/20/2013 3:58PM

    Wow. I am sorry for the hard time you're going through. I hope you are receiving counseling in whatever form feels right - from professionals or friends extended family or church members.

Obviously you love your child. I wonder what motivates him to be selfdestructive? Course I'm sure you'd like to know that answer too.

I have lost a family member to suicide and have a niece who has suicidal thoughts and practices cutting sometimes. She is seeing a counselor. I wish I could really understand these situations but I can't.

Stay strong for your child, hopefully he will see his actions are not healthy. Until then as you already know it will be difficult. Do the best you can. Glad you have a great marriage and have some people to lean on.

Continue to vent as necessary. We're all pulling for you. We do care about you.

The week will be over soon. Keep your week busy and get support from whomever you need.

I'm sure your son still loves you even if it is not evident in his actions.

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KAREN_NY 9/20/2013 11:46AM

    I grieve for you, truly.

With my stepdaughter I learned that it is not necessarily about "that feels good so I'll lose a little more." In her case, there was no unhealthy weight to begin with - it was a control thing. The mental health issues that really are the foundation of eating disorders are deeper, and may be different for different people. (Control, fear, tentative sense of self-worth...) They are there before the obsession with food or exercise begins, and the obsession is a manifestation of them. Those same mental health issues, combined with malnutrition, can rob us of our loved ones, and of a part of ourselves. I've been in that horror, and am sending thoughts and prayers your way. It's beyond scary, and I only wish there was something "practical" I could do for you.

As you've mentioned before, as heartbreaking as it is, there is a point at which he owns it, and the best you can do is care for your own hurt and your own well-being.


Comment edited on: 9/20/2013 11:49:13 AM

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ANNROW0354 9/20/2013 9:47AM

    You did a very courageous thing by sharing your pain and I'm sure that anyone who even thinks his/her child may have an eating disorder will look more closely after reading your blog. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your husband and son. Stay strong and take care of yourself. emoticon

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IFDEEVARUNS2 9/20/2013 8:21AM


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KRISZTA11 9/20/2013 6:59AM

    I'm so sorry and I'm sending my best wishes and loving thoughts to you and your family.
It steals away so much mental and physical energy from you, and still there so so little help at all...
Now what he will be away try not to worry about what he is doing.
I hope you and your husband will get some rest and peace during this week.

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ADZY86 9/20/2013 6:37AM

    Thank you for sharing your story with us all. I am so sorry you're going through this; as a parent it must be so so difficult to have to watch this happening. I really hope he gets the help he needs, soon. All you can do is continue to love and support him, say your piece and know you are doing everything you can do.

I think the warning you've given us all is spot on. There really is a thin, thin line. I am sad to say that I think i've seen it quite a few times here on Spark. I know everyone has their own journey and their own goal weight, but sometimes I look at blogs/read spark pages and I think "you're going too far!" I never judge anyone or say anything, because who am I? But I sometimes just hope and pray that everyone has someone in their lives like you, someone who will tell it like it is.

Even myself. Even though I am still heavy and have never gotten to my "goal weight" (whatever that is...the weight I'm happy with I mean) I have found myself many, many times getting overly obsessive. Cutting way back on food, over-exercising, lying about what I'm eating and how much I'm doing, thinking about losing weight constantly, binging and purging, desperate thoughts etc. Thankfully I've always been able to pull myself back into reality before it goes too far, but I am always mindful of it.

Anyway, I won't keep going on. But thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it. And I'll be thinking of your son emoticon

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    It is very difficult to watch your adult children make terrible life choices. I have been there with other life threatening problems. Ensure your get counseling, it can help you.

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BEST_OF_ARIN 9/19/2013 10:35PM

    I am incredibly sorry this is happening to your son, you and your family. I'm glad you are there for him and that you let him know that. Please continue to keep yourself healthy and my thoughts are with you all. emoticon

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LIVE2RUN4LIFE 9/19/2013 10:34PM


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KATHY98665 9/19/2013 10:32PM

    I am so sorry for your pain in seeing your son this way. How helpless you must feel...sending you hugs and prayers as you deal with this and that your son comes to realize the damage he is doing to himself and his relationships..thank you for sharing. emoticon emoticon

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