Sunday, October 06, 2013
Calories Consumed: 1276
Fitness Minutes: 140
Last week I went on a last minute cruise with my son who has anorexia. He flew down to Ft Lauderdale on a Friday morning and by 4:30 PM said my husband and I could join him if we wanted. I think he got lonely fast and everyone telling him the trip wasn't a good idea in his condition started to sink in. Anyway, my husband had a lot to do and I was caught up at work so I ended up going. I flew down that Sunday and met my son on the ship. It was the "Allure of the Seas" which is currently the biggest cruise ship out there.
The ship was very nice and very clean. I saw the show "Chicago", comedy acts, diving acts - all were totally amazing. The only show I saw with my son was the comedy show. When we were on the ship we would meet for meals, most of the rest of the time I was on my own. I must admit I was pretty lonely - lots of families and couples hanging out together.
I did manage to get in the excursions he had booked in Jamaica and in Mexico. It turned out to be a very good thing that I went, my son literally passed out right in front of Bob Marley's crypt! He can't handle the heat at all. The Dr said between his low blood pressure and light tissues it's not good for him at all. It was very scary for me to see him go down. Two of us carried him out and into the shade. He didn't seem worried or scared at all!!
In Mexico he didn't do the snorkeling, tubing, biking or zip line. I am hoping he came to the realization that he couldn't do the things he paid for because of his health. He didn't even think to go in air conditioning or drink water. God knows what would have happened if I wasn't there. At any rate, I was so thankful when we both got home.
The highlight of my trip was learning how to flash mob dance. We took several lessons then actually did it the last night. It was a lot of fun. I liked zumba too and decided to sign up for it in my town. I did run 5k almost every day, too. But I did eat more than I should have which helped me along to today...
I went through my blogs when I lost the last that I had to and decided to join the Fall 5% Challenge. I also decided to go back on Nutrisystem and change up my exercise a bit. I have to get myself back in gear. I know it will help me deal with my stressors better. My husband and sons know I am doing it so they will have to go out to eat without me if that is what they want to do. I will make their dinner at home when they want it and eat something similar from Nutrisystem. I did it that way last time and it went well. I also told them I will be packing my work lunch. They said they will do the same thing. I feel better already knowing that I have a plan.
So, that is it for the moment! I hope you have a fantastic week!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I am just so sad...
My anorexic son booked a vacation - by himself. 2 days in Ft Lauderdale, FL then a 7 day cruise on Royal Carribean to Jamaica, Haiti, and 2 other places.
He is going by himself! - starts tomorrow!
My husband and I told him our feelings about it and he is still going. Next week will be the longest of our lives - EVER. Tonight I told him he has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. He just waved at me!
I hate anorexia! It has made my son a narcissist and reduced his brain to mush. He had a real high IQ before this started. Now he can't think and has to weigh himself three times a day.
I hate that damn scale! I am tired of the word "diet". What happened to just being healthy? 300lb plus people are healthier than my 100lb son.
And, guess what - bulemia isn't just about throwing up...excessive exercise is considered bulemia!
I am sorry if this freaks you out - it is a reality. One thing I have learned over the past 9 months of my son'a illness is that it doesn't take much to go over the other side, it is absolutely the most scariest nightmare to watch your child literally starve. An eating disorder IS A MENTAL DISORDER. and it affects everyone around the person who has it.
The reality is that I cry at some point every single day. Some days it is so hard to get up, but I do. My husband and I can't plan anything ahead - we have lost a lot of money on trips we have had to cancel last minute because we will be there for our son first. I thank God our relationship is solid - I can't begin to imagine going through this myself. I am going through hell.
The reality is that we have to follow our son into bathrooms and call him on throwing up; we have to watch him- starving - order a salad while he is starving literally to death. He has no life anymore, his fingers are ice cold and his sense if humor and ornary smile are completely gone.
I miss him so much - and he lives in my house.
What do I do? I pray A LOT. And I put all my trust in God. And I listen to positive music. And I run. and I have to get support on FEAST - a parent anorexic website. I have to go to social services to find out there is nothing I. can do because he is 24. My son knows how I feel. I have not held back. I can't - if I lose him at least I know I said my peace.
So, what is my point in telling all of you - trying to lose weight or maintain?
Please don't let it get obsessive. My son always goes back to when he was heavy in high school, so proud that he lost weight. He got compliments, so he kept going. Started eating half of everything - now its a quarter.
There is a fine line.
Please be careful ....
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.
I needed time to focus more on myself. My 24 year old son's obsessive compulsive disorder took over my life and my husband's life through his anorexia. He can be very manipulative -- who wants to see their child not eat when they are severely malnourished?
Through a lot of thought and focus and anger I realized this and decided:
1. It isn't fair to me and my family
2. It is feeding my son's OCD even more
So, I am working on getting myself back. Yes, it is still sad and he is still very ill, but dwelling on it isn't helping me at all. I am sure I will occasionally mention him, but I cannot focus on it 24/7 so don't be surprised if I don't bring him up all the time. I do appreciate your continued prayers for him :)
So... what have I been up to you ask?
A couple months ago I signed up for the Philadelphia Rock-N-Roll Half Marathon. It is being held September 15. I figured it would get me motivated to start running again. For a while there, I thought I was going to drop out. I hadn't run in 9 whole weeks!
Well, I started back running last week. I am running at a slower pace to get my muscles and lungs back to a good flow (and not burn out!) I am up to 5 miles. I plan to run 3 - 4 miles on my short run days. I will run a 6 mile run the early part of next week and 7 miles next weekend. I should be at 10 in a couple weeks. I will run 10 a couple times before the race and should be set.
It won't be my fastest but the fact that I am doing this and will complete it with so much going on will make it such a fantastic personal victory for me.
When I started back to running a couple weeks ago my mind was so cloudy with all the negativity of my son's illness. I was feeling very sorry for myself and thought about it the whole time I ran. I wasn't really motivated to train but did it anyway. I just kept thinking "Just Keep Going". Today while I was running I realized I am not thinking about it the whole time I am out there anymore. I am paying more attention to my running music and thinking about other things I have to do or new ideas or the race that is coming up or races I have run. I realized the Philly race is almost one year to the date of my first 1/2 marathon. I am not in shape like I was last year - darn it! - but I am still going!
And...I will slowly get back there now that we are not eating out all the time.
We did get a new addition to our family this summer!
My son got a new dog, Maizey. She is a 1 1/2 year old Boston Terrier. Here she is with Roxy on the boat...
To add to our chaos, she now lives at our house, too, while he is "recovering" and staying at our house. Roxy is the boss, has lost all of her bottom front teeth proving it while fighting/playing with toys!
I hope you are having a fantastic weekend! Thanks for your continued support!
Monday, July 01, 2013
Well, I am an optimist, and I hate to write anything less than that on this site. I always look at the bright side but 2013 is really testing me. My oldest son
- age 24 - has anorexia. I am still in such disbelief everytime I think about it. Anyway, he is back at his own house. He bought a dog, a Boston terrier. They are the best breed ever - look at Roxy - so, I have no problem wth that. My son's therapist in California kept suggestioning it so I guess my son decided to try. My son and his dog stay at my house a lot. Roxy is the boss and the puppy is sweet and house trained so it works out ok.
My son is still very thin. Not sure how much he weighs, but I would guess -110. He cuts his food up really small. He did start to add carbs this week (half of a potato). It is strange to watch him eat. He makes all of his food so small. I did figure out if I stay at the table a long time he eats whole serving, but it is an extra half hour. I will sit there for as long as it takes!
How am I? Not good if I went to the doctor. I have gained 10+ lbs, my blood pressure is up and I haven't run in 2 weeks. I have no motivation and quite frankly, just trying to breath. I hope none of you ever have to go through this in your lifetime. Actually, one of my close Sparkfriends has - and maintained their sense if humor - God, I hope I will and hope my son survives the way her daughter did. Anyway, I live day by day, minute by minute. I am now living at home. It is do hard working snd taking care of him, but I am doing it. I literally have no drive to run or even walk.
I am a mess! I have thought about ways to end my life to get out of the pain I have in my heart, but then I think of my family and try again to
make it all better.
I love reading how you are doing! I read all of your blogs and status updates. I look forward to the day when I can do that again!
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