Saturday, August 17, 2013
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.
I needed time to focus more on myself. My 24 year old son's obsessive compulsive disorder took over my life and my husband's life through his anorexia. He can be very manipulative -- who wants to see their child not eat when they are severely malnourished?
Through a lot of thought and focus and anger I realized this and decided:
1. It isn't fair to me and my family
2. It is feeding my son's OCD even more
So, I am working on getting myself back. Yes, it is still sad and he is still very ill, but dwelling on it isn't helping me at all. I am sure I will occasionally mention him, but I cannot focus on it 24/7 so don't be surprised if I don't bring him up all the time. I do appreciate your continued prayers for him :)
So... what have I been up to you ask?
A couple months ago I signed up for the Philadelphia Rock-N-Roll Half Marathon. It is being held September 15. I figured it would get me motivated to start running again. For a while there, I thought I was going to drop out. I hadn't run in 9 whole weeks!
Well, I started back running last week. I am running at a slower pace to get my muscles and lungs back to a good flow (and not burn out!) I am up to 5 miles. I plan to run 3 - 4 miles on my short run days. I will run a 6 mile run the early part of next week and 7 miles next weekend. I should be at 10 in a couple weeks. I will run 10 a couple times before the race and should be set.
It won't be my fastest but the fact that I am doing this and will complete it with so much going on will make it such a fantastic personal victory for me.
When I started back to running a couple weeks ago my mind was so cloudy with all the negativity of my son's illness. I was feeling very sorry for myself and thought about it the whole time I ran. I wasn't really motivated to train but did it anyway. I just kept thinking "Just Keep Going". Today while I was running I realized I am not thinking about it the whole time I am out there anymore. I am paying more attention to my running music and thinking about other things I have to do or new ideas or the race that is coming up or races I have run. I realized the Philly race is almost one year to the date of my first 1/2 marathon. I am not in shape like I was last year - darn it! - but I am still going!
And...I will slowly get back there now that we are not eating out all the time.
We did get a new addition to our family this summer!
My son got a new dog, Maizey. She is a 1 1/2 year old Boston Terrier. Here she is with Roxy on the boat...
To add to our chaos, she now lives at our house, too, while he is "recovering" and staying at our house. Roxy is the boss, has lost all of her bottom front teeth proving it while fighting/playing with toys!
I hope you are having a fantastic weekend! Thanks for your continued support!
Monday, July 01, 2013
Well, I am an optimist, and I hate to write anything less than that on this site. I always look at the bright side but 2013 is really testing me. My oldest son
- age 24 - has anorexia. I am still in such disbelief everytime I think about it. Anyway, he is back at his own house. He bought a dog, a Boston terrier. They are the best breed ever - look at Roxy - so, I have no problem wth that. My son's therapist in California kept suggestioning it so I guess my son decided to try. My son and his dog stay at my house a lot. Roxy is the boss and the puppy is sweet and house trained so it works out ok.
My son is still very thin. Not sure how much he weighs, but I would guess -110. He cuts his food up really small. He did start to add carbs this week (half of a potato). It is strange to watch him eat. He makes all of his food so small. I did figure out if I stay at the table a long time he eats whole serving, but it is an extra half hour. I will sit there for as long as it takes!
How am I? Not good if I went to the doctor. I have gained 10+ lbs, my blood pressure is up and I haven't run in 2 weeks. I have no motivation and quite frankly, just trying to breath. I hope none of you ever have to go through this in your lifetime. Actually, one of my close Sparkfriends has - and maintained their sense if humor - God, I hope I will and hope my son survives the way her daughter did. Anyway, I live day by day, minute by minute. I am now living at home. It is do hard working snd taking care of him, but I am doing it. I literally have no drive to run or even walk.
I am a mess! I have thought about ways to end my life to get out of the pain I have in my heart, but then I think of my family and try again to
make it all better.
I love reading how you are doing! I read all of your blogs and status updates. I look forward to the day when I can do that again!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Roxy and I took the red eye from San Diego to Philly last night/this morning. One of my managers went into the hospital with chest pain yesterday. She has heart issues - she is only 47!
Anyway, Roxy got tons of compliments at the airport. She is a very calm, well mannered dog. Several observers commented on her calmness. I told them she is exercised everyday. That is key. She is also well trained and knows I am the boss. I read Cesar Milan's book and watched his shows all the time when Roxy was young. I also went to one of his seminars. I implemented what I learned. Because of that, I enjoy taking her almost everywhere with me and am so proud of her.
So, it has been a very, very long day. I got a lot done at work and planned on spending the evening with my husband. That was foiled when the fire alarm went off at our business. So my husband is still there at 10 PM while whatever is broken gets fixed.
In the mean time, my mom called me to discuss their house hunting. My parents sold their house in Rehoboth a lot sooner than they thought they would and have no place up North to live. They stayed at my house last night with my husband. My dad proceeds to get on the phone and tell me he went through my pantry looking for coffee and inventoried the food in my pantry! He said 90% of the food is unhealthy and he would be fat of he lived here. Now, the ironic part is that he is VERY overweight! So, because of my 109 lb mom, his pantry is loaded with all fat free, etc stuff - but something is amiss if he is the heaviest by far out of all of us! Obviously, I didn't say that to him but it is true! He blamed my pantry on my son's bulemia and anorexia
and my son hasn't lived at home in 1 1/2 years! And I have been gone for 3 weeks and didn't even know what was in there!! I told him my husband can buy and eat what he wants in his own home. He said my husband will need to put a lock on his food if my son lives here! My dad doesn't understand that my son needs oil and regular foods - not fat free. Obviously, my husband is now furious and said my parents don't need to stay at our house. I am ticked too. We are both 50 years old - not 2!
Of course I went into the pantry to see what he is talking about. We have healthy cereals, oatmeals, protein powder, poptarts, teas, progressive soups, tons of tuns and salmon, fruit, nuts, pastas, beans, and dog food. 1 shelf has cake and brownie and baking stuff if I have company and one shelf has crackers, pretzels, chocolate covered pretzels, Doritos, popcorn and fig newtons. The nutritionist would be fine with my son eating the things in my pantry except the popcorn.
I am so annoyed right now I could scream!
Anyone else have a family member like that??
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