Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Roxy and I took the red eye from San Diego to Philly last night/this morning. One of my managers went into the hospital with chest pain yesterday. She has heart issues - she is only 47!
Anyway, Roxy got tons of compliments at the airport. She is a very calm, well mannered dog. Several observers commented on her calmness. I told them she is exercised everyday. That is key. She is also well trained and knows I am the boss. I read Cesar Milan's book and watched his shows all the time when Roxy was young. I also went to one of his seminars. I implemented what I learned. Because of that, I enjoy taking her almost everywhere with me and am so proud of her.
So, it has been a very, very long day. I got a lot done at work and planned on spending the evening with my husband. That was foiled when the fire alarm went off at our business. So my husband is still there at 10 PM while whatever is broken gets fixed.
In the mean time, my mom called me to discuss their house hunting. My parents sold their house in Rehoboth a lot sooner than they thought they would and have no place up North to live. They stayed at my house last night with my husband. My dad proceeds to get on the phone and tell me he went through my pantry looking for coffee and inventoried the food in my pantry! He said 90% of the food is unhealthy and he would be fat of he lived here. Now, the ironic part is that he is VERY overweight! So, because of my 109 lb mom, his pantry is loaded with all fat free, etc stuff - but something is amiss if he is the heaviest by far out of all of us! Obviously, I didn't say that to him but it is true! He blamed my pantry on my son's bulemia and anorexia
and my son hasn't lived at home in 1 1/2 years! And I have been gone for 3 weeks and didn't even know what was in there!! I told him my husband can buy and eat what he wants in his own home. He said my husband will need to put a lock on his food if my son lives here! My dad doesn't understand that my son needs oil and regular foods - not fat free. Obviously, my husband is now furious and said my parents don't need to stay at our house. I am ticked too. We are both 50 years old - not 2!
Of course I went into the pantry to see what he is talking about. We have healthy cereals, oatmeals, protein powder, poptarts, teas, progressive soups, tons of tuns and salmon, fruit, nuts, pastas, beans, and dog food. 1 shelf has cake and brownie and baking stuff if I have company and one shelf has crackers, pretzels, chocolate covered pretzels, Doritos, popcorn and fig newtons. The nutritionist would be fine with my son eating the things in my pantry except the popcorn.
I am so annoyed right now I could scream!
Anyone else have a family member like that??
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Today I woke up re-newed thanks in large part to my Sparkbuddies!
We got up and went to our favorite breakfast spot where I got steelcut oatmeal with walnuts and banana. I was filled at half (it was a big bowl). My son ate his usual egg whites, english, muffin and one chicken sausage. He did use a little strawberry jam today, ate the peppers out of the potatoes!
Anyway, we then went to the hospital for his ultrasound of his heart - he has a long qt. It's either genetic (his 2nd cousin has it really bad), or from his anorexia.
His next appointment wasn't until 12 (neurotherapy, lunch then nutritionist) so I planned on staying at the apartment and running. He asked me to go with him at 11:15.
Last week I would have went and skipped the running, thinking maybe I would squeeze it in later -yeah, right! Well, this chick is done with excuses - I threw on my running gear and headed out the door. I got an awesome 3 mile run in, along with a shower, convo with my hubby and walk with the dog,
Another thing I changed up is the car ride. My son likes listening to rap which I call crap! While running and enjoying my positively awesome upbeat music it occurred to me I could listen to it in the car and waiting rooms with me earphones! What a difference it is making for me today!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
My 50th birthday was not what I had ever planned it to be.
I find myself the furthest point across the country from my home, husband, youngest son, friends and a job that I love. I miss "my life" but am here to try to save my older son's life from anorexia.
So, my life is literally shoved to the side. There is never a thank you or hint of gratitude - it is a thankless job. Most of the time he is mad at me for nagging him about food. Some days it looks like we are going to win the battle, the next day (or hour) we are losing the battle.
One good thing about birthdays is that it gives you a moment to reflect on where you have been and where you are going. It is not always the most positive reflection, especially if done honestly. But, most of the time it reminds you of who you are and that driving spirit within you that never gives up.
In my case, it was a year of conquering my first Half Marathon plus two more! I completed seven 5ks as well! And, my business held strong through another year of a seemingly endless recession. I maintained the weight I had lost for most of the year...
With all of my son's health issues the past 3 1/2 months I lost myself. I don't like the person I have become. I am sad most of the time and walk on egg shells. I am scared he is going to die and I miss my husband and my life. I am angry at my son for continuing to kill his body. My husband and I have supported him in every way possible through hospitals, therapists, nutritionists, covering bills, taking care of his house, and being with him all the time.
But this week as I reflect on the past year I realized I am pretty much at the end of trying. My son ate real good for 1 1/2 weeks and gained 8 pounds. Now he is restricting food again and losing weight. There is no excuse at this point. He still wants to move out to California. I told him I am not co-signing any lease until I am comfortable he has beat anorexia. This week I am seriously considering packing up, returning the rental car and heading home.
Yesterday as I walked Roxy I thought about my running career. We eat out at restaurants all the time, so naturally, I gained weight. With his appointments, I haven't run every day. Some days I don't run because I am just too sad. Last night, I considered stopping running all together. I am 50 years old - maybe I should give up. I was really feeling defeated, and, yes, sorry for myself.
But, as I walked, I realized I was doing what my son was doing - blaming someone else and not taking responsibility for myself. He is not eating more because I am, so, why am I? And, why am I not standing up for myself? Maybe if I do, he will. There is an anger building inside me that I realized I can use to pull me out of this rut. And I knew I couldn't use my age as an excuse! I have Sparkfriends older than me running everyday - and farther!
So, today after an early breakfast where my son, once again didn't talk to me, I laced my new, hot purple (with bright neon laces), Brooks Ravenna 4s and headed out for the 5 mile run I planned to do on my 50th birthday. I listened to my positive music and paid attention to my body, my breathing and how good it felt.
Today is a new day, this is a brand new year for me. I am going to take back control of myself and create a new plan, just for me. I will not quit. No more excuses, I can do this!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I got a nice 3.7 mile run in this morning. I am trying to figure out how to schedule it in before it gets too hot.
My son needs to eat breakfast at 7:30. Breakfast is his biggest meal. He never ate breakfast before this - even when he was little it was such a struggle! Now it is his favorite meal, so we go out every morning to one of his three favorite restaurants. I bought food items to make breakfast here - he loves jalapeņos so I have those, eggs, feta cheese, and steak in the fridge - ready to cook. He still wants to go out instead! So I end up eating it for my lunch while he is at therapy!
Anyway, I get up at 6, take Roxy out for her walk, then get ready and am out the door at 7:30. I eat a light breakfast out with him, then run when we get back to the apartment. It's been real hot here (90's) since I came back, so if I don't get out then it doesn't happen. I am focusing on running every morning now so I should be ok. After I run I hop in the hot tub then the pool. It is a nice reward.
I am eating more so my son eats more. I am hitting close to 2000 cals per day ( I am used to 1200 - 1500). He eats more when I eat more, so I have to right now. I am going to up my miles. My mom (a runner) said when I get to ten miles it won't affect me. Right now I have a gut and it is uncomfortable.
Running is so good for my spirit. My son is moody. His therapist told me to stay on him about eating (he has to finish 100% of his plate, eat 3000 + cals, not drink any beer, etc). I pick my battles. He is eating a lot more and foods he didn't eat before (potatoes, gravy, butter - yes, all the things most of us need to avoid!). And restaurant portions are so huge. One thing I do point out is for him not to eat half of anything. We are taught to do that - anorexics do that as a habit and cardinal rule. I told him that's why he has to eat more than half so he does.
Anyway, quite frequently he says mean things - its not easy being the food police! I feel like i am walking on egg shells. I am told it's "normal" because he is malnourished and using his disease as power. This is what wears me down. I have put my entire life on hold, am away from my husband, home and friends and it is not appreciated. He was not raised this way and it should not be. It has my brother furious. There are lots of times where I want to say "screw it" and go home but when I am not here he drops a lot of weight - and fast. I can't wait until he is more even-keeled.
So that is why running is so important to me. Besides Roxy, it is the only thing I have out here, all the way across the country. I love to listen to my positive music as I run - it gives me a much deserved mental break.
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