Thursday, December 05, 2013
In life we discover what bring us joy and what brings us sadness. We discover what is important and what is not. We sit down and contemplate everything we have done, everything we have not, and everything we are yet to do. We smile at our accomplishments and shake our heads when we remember our failures. We smile at those we love and look upon them fondly. We give thanks for those who love us and pray for those who don't. We meditate on the choices we have made that have brought us to where we are and we realize that past mistakes have finally ceased to matter. We realize that we are not done, that we must go on, and we continue to push forward. It is at this intercession that we pray we might be given the time necessary to do everything we must do; to be with those we love, to do more of what brings us joy, to do more of what is important, and to look less on the inconsequential things in our life's.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
November 30, 2013. I see the date on my calendar and contemplate on the past 11 months of my life, where did I start this year, what have I done, and what accomplishments have I had. A feeling of emptiness engulfs me. I feel I have no control over my life or over anything that concerns me. The optimism and energy I had at the beginning of the year is now depleted. I take a deep breath and allow my mind to go blank. I allow all my feelings to be what they are; the disappointment in myself, the lack of focus, the lack of direction, of goals, of believing in myself, of not doing enough and going beyond what I know I am capable of. I allow my feelings to encompass me, allowing myself to feel every one of them. Another deep breath. The nagging compressed feeling I have on my chest. I am aware of my heart beating at its own pace, telling me I am alive. A few minutes go by. I let go, I let go of the year behind me. I have a picture in my mind of what I want myself to accomplish, of where I want to be, of where I know I can be. And then I know, this minute is my new beginning.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Today is a day to be celebrated with family and friends, a day to be in the company of those we love, a day to be thankful for all we have.. (break)... and here I am frustrated and grumpy because my favorite jeans don't fit properly, because when I put them on the "oh I hate you" muffin top is visible and no matter how I try I am unable to button the last button on them. I sit down on my bed and begin to wonder why today I am focusing on this when I could be focusing on my family and on being happy and thankful for them. I decide to put on my jeans, (forget the muffin top and the darn button) and decide on making a plan instead. No, I don't instantly feel better about myself, I feel fat and mad at myself because a year ago I was looking and feeling good and I had accomplished so much and I was being active and walking miles every day. Fast forward to today and I feel like a couch potato, the mere thought of walking a mile makes me tired, I feel sluggish, unfocused, tired, and sleepy most of the time. I would say I don't look bad entirely as long as I wear the right clothes, but most importantly I feel bad. Forget my weight, I don't own a scale and I only know my weight every 3 months. I don't put all the emphasis on my weight, I only see it as a guide for how I am progressing. Most importantly I focus on how I feel, my energy levels and my clothes don't lie, they tell me exactly when I am gaining weight and when I am at my happy weight. My plan for today is to focus on the priorities of my life, number one being my son, today is a day when I will enjoy my family and simply allow myself to be happy with myself regardless of how I feel about how I look. I will not make plans to exercise today but I will make an appointment with myself tomorrow to jump back on the exercise wagon. I invite everyone who is in the same situation as me or who is taking this step by step to join me to jump back in the wagon. I will be posting updates about how I am doing this and I invite you to do the same.
And don't forget to simply enjoy today! Happy Thanksgiving to everyone of you!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Emotions are like a roller coaster. Every day it is the same. Like playing the "he loves, he loves me not" daisy game and getting different results each time. Maybe one of these days I'll have the courage to crush the daisy, step on it, and never pick one up again.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Words stuck in my throat. Words I will not be able to tell you. Words that don't matter anymore. I feel them trying to get out. They want to speak to you. Tell you everything that has been unsaid until now. They want to tell you how you did accomplish what you set out to do a long time ago, how I did get to love you, how I love you still. Words that torture me in the night and accompany me in my mind during my waking hours. Words from which I built my dreams once and now form my nightmares.
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