Thursday, September 11, 2014
I was so motivated and so happy to start walking again. I had a clear vision in my mind of who I was going to become, the new clothes I would be able to wear, how much energy I was going to have and then a major a disappointment came my way. I realized it wasn't going to be an easy journey and not everything was going to smell like roses. I had done this before; I had lost the weight I gained during my pregnancy and I had worked out six times a week and had reached my goal. I felt good and I believed I looked good, I was able to buy clothes I was waiting to buy for weeks. It seemed so easy. This time I told myself I would do the same, I would workout and the pounds would come off and the energy would spike up but it hasn't happened. All I have done is gotten myself exhausted and on the verge of collapse. I knew I should have paced myself, just a few weeks ago I had a problem with my right kidney and I knew I should take things slow but if I had done it before so I would do it again I told myself. This time there is a huge difference I had not taken into account. This time I am not 24 but 29. It might not seem like much of a difference but a little more than a year with out consistent exercise and years of bad (very bad) eating habits will catch up to you and at my 29 years old I can feel the consequences of a non-healthy diet. This week has been exhausting, after feeling over-stressed and very overwhelmed I got some doctorly advice and what was I told to do? Rest. What!? Stop my workout streak? How was I going to get the momentum to start again? Just a few days I was told, I could begin again next week, with proper sleep (Did I mention I had been logging in just 2 hours of sleep a night) and better eating habits. I felt so disappointed, now there was another thing not going exactly right. I kept going through all of this last night and I knew where I had gone wrong, I am not 24 anymore and I have to take that into consideration and well I hadn't. I was expecting my body to do too much with out respecting it. My metabolism has slowed and I have to put more work in if I want to lose inches of my frame but I also need to allow my body to rest and I do need to get a good night's sleep. I can not follow the plan I followed that worked a few years ago with out thinking of how everything in my life has changed. I have to go back to the planing board and plan again, this time a bit different, I need to take my job, my son's school homework & projects, my kidney , and my lifestyle in general into consideration. I need to set up something that will work for me and here I am planning all over again. This week will be my rest week and I will sit down and plan my next week and every week after that if I want to stay focus and succeed. But here is one thing I know, I will succeed, not only for myself but for my son.
Tuesday, September 09, 2014
Last week was my first week of working out consistently. For many months I told myself I would start soon,"Next upcoming Monday" became my constant and favorite phrase. As my pants got tighter and tighter by the day I sat contemplating my goals on a Tuesday morning, how was I going to wait another 7 days to start my workout routine. Another 7 days! Oh, the damage that could be inflicted in a mere 7 days. It didn't help that the walking plan I wanted to follow had the dates on it and you guessed it, Day 1 was a Monday. By the time I had gotten home from work I had given it quite a lot of thought but had made my decision, I laced up my sneakers and walked my first 15 minute mile in weeks. I had decided Tuesday was going to be my Day 1. For many weeks I refused to start my healthy journey on any other day except Monday, if Monday rolled around and I didn't exercise I had next Monday to start. I have now realized that using the "Next upcoming Monday" was me delaying that start of my walking program as much as possible. The truth is I just wasn't ready to start and I wasn't the least motivated. I know this now because when you are ready to begin working on being the best you can be you will not wait for Monday or any other date, you will start now/today, this moment.
Monday, September 08, 2014
I have begun walking everyday and today, being a Sunday, was my first free day. I was able to rest and not worry about lacing up my sneakers and doing my Walk Away the Pounds DVD but yet I feel more worried than on the days I did walk. I realized that although it is okay to get a break and it is in fact needed I have to be extra careful. I have stated in my previous blog entries how I don't own a scale and rarely ever get on one. Today as I was talking a walk around the mall I saw a scale, well this might be a great opportunity to know what I weigh, I told myself. Oh my surprise when I got on put in my quarter and realized I was 10lbs heavier than I thought I was. I had taken my measurements earlier this week and knew that big trouble I had gotten on over the months I had decided not to work out or take care of my eating. I knew that this time I have to stay focused if I want to reach my goal. I know I will not weight myself again in a few months but I will be taking my measurements once every months. As long as I keep to my 6 days a week of walking while adding miles to my routine every week I know I will be fine but yet the idea of not being the way I want lingers on me. I am always reflecting and over analyzing and I have come to see this as both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I walk past my vision board and see everything I want to accomplish and in my head I think about what that vision board would mean if I didn't have who I love with me and i know it would just be a piece of paper. It is always a reminder to be content and happy in what I have now, to love my son, to love myself, and to be grateful. There are times when loving myself as I am is harder than others but yet the subtle reminders of why I should do it are always there. I had a dream recently, in it I had moved from my small house to a dilapidated house in the state of Georgia, why that State I have no idea - I live in California, through the dream all I did was cry for everything I had left behind; I wanted my old house back regardless of its defects, I wanted my love, and my family back. In the dream I understood how much I should value what I have, my only source of happiness in my dream was that I had my son with me but yet we missed so much, even though in my waking hours I don't value what I have as I should value it. I remember the dream so vividly because it touched a soft spot in me. I end with this note: We all need to remember that in this life where we are is sometimes exactly where we need to be.
Thursday, September 04, 2014
God is Good. Through everything and anything I can not forget and refuse to forget where all good comes from. While walking sometime this week without no prompt on my part and out of the blue my son says "God is Good" and all I could do was repeat it as a sweet mantra that soothes and comforts, always.
Thursday, September 04, 2014
I sat at the edge of my bed browsing on my cellphone, the inability to sleep just a habit now days, until something caught my attention. I sat there in silence looking at the bright screen, reading the quote over and over again; “Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out – it’s the grain of sand in your shoe.” —Robert Service. As I sat on my bed reading this quote another quote instantly popped up in my mind; "Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out" - Anton Chekhov.
I sat in silence contemplating these quotes. It wasn't a revelation, I know what my struggles are and most of the time I can articulate exactly what they are but yet there I was grasping the concept and implications of what I had just read.
I have been battling with that grain of sand in my shoe for many years. As time has passed by I rarely notice it but it is there nonetheless, not allowing me to step comfortably in any direction. It keeps me too cautious, too immobile, and too afraid to go on because of the pain it may inflict. I over-analyze every step, treading carefully on the path that I am taking. I instinctively store a map in my mind of the path that was easiest to walk on and walk on it again and again.
As I woke up today with my well thought out plan of how my day was going to go, my to-do list at the ready, and my calendar stating the events of the day chirping away on my cell phone, I reached out to my ingrained path that is stored in my memory when I was struck out of balance when the first thing didn't go as planned. Calmly I calculated the best route to take, I made the necessary phone calls and re-arranged my plans. Deep inside me I could feel my annoyances rising up and in my shoe I felt the grain of sand, always there, always bothering me. Even now as I sit down writing this I can feel it, one step - grain of sand, two steps - grain of sand. It hasn't budged and it might take months or years for me to finally remove it, I might have gotten used to it so much by then that even after it is removed the feeling of having it will remain. It is a constant battle but yet today it is a battle I won, with a grain of sand in my shoe I walked another path and I keep pushing forward and that for me is a victory.
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