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I Am On My Knees

Friday, September 21, 2012

Yesterday, I had four seizures, ate 6 slices of pan pizza, cooked healthy food all day long and then suddenly decided that I did not want any of it. And broke my one sweet a day streak. I was a mega-bi**h online to several people and yelled at some poor customer service rep!! This is not a confession, it is a serious look at someone who is not the tiniest bit in control of herself. This is not a model of someone who has put their trust in God and who tries to embody Christ in all her actions.

So, I found myself sitting on the Porcelain Throne, at 11pm, begging God to help me. I blurted out every place where I failed. I asked God to please just help me, because I was not doing too well on my own. (When do we ever?) Then I got really sleepy, went right to sleep and woke up rested and alert at 2am. I could feel the presence of the Lord, his gentle nudging and his love. He said, "Write. And remember to LEAVE your burdens with me, not just tell me about them and take them with you."

When I was my version of on my knees, I asked God to make me serious about this fight, this journey to lose the overweight person I am carrying around on my back, like a monkey. I also begged him to take the seizures from me, because they are interfering with MY mission to lose weight.

This morning it was abundantly clear that I was trying to latch onto another reason to not succeed at something I started. To create a perfect excuse to eat 3/4 of a pizza and sleep all day. I have been having at least one psychogenic seizure a day for a week now. Yet, I have not missed one day of exercising. I managed to stand in the kitchen and cook healthy food. I logged onto Sparkpeople and recorded what I planned to eat. If the seizures were really standing in my way, I would not have been able to do all those very important pieces of this journey.

So, God in his infinite wisdom may take the seizures now that I realized that they are not preventing anything from happening or he may leave them until I learn to stop stressing out enough to cause them. Because if I am that stressed, I am not trusting in God, I am relying on me. I have 44 years of proof that I am not to be relied on in this area.

I also awoke this morning with the knowledge that I need to take more accountability for myself and my actions and reactions. Every temptation is not imp-inspired. Every obstacle is not Satan trying to thwart me in my goal. Most are just part of living and I and I alone am responsible for how I treat them. This doesn't mean I do not trust in God, it means that I do not use the Enemy as a crutch. I am always saying I am a warrior, well, it is time to not just fight when the battle is desperate but as a warrior to be constantly vigilant against any and all threats to my mission and to avoid them when possible, destroy them if not.

So, I chose to give in yesterday to the pain, frustration, confusion and guilt and eat like I was 15 and would burn it off in 5 mins because I still am never stationary. I chose to let my lack of sleep make me cranky and mean. Nobody made me, Satan didn't whisper slyly in my ear, and my cat didn't tie me to a chair and force the food in. I, Aurora, made poor choices and now have to deal with the results of them.

My humming hymn of the day is going to be "Order My Steps" by Glenn Burleigh and we will just see about giving up when the going gets the least little bit hard. I come from stronger stock than that, and it is high time I act like it.

God pointed me in the right direction. Let's see if I let him lead me or end up on my knees again in a month, begging him to give me more time. The choice, the decision, the steps I take from this moment forward are MY free will. God has ordered my steps, he has answered my prayer.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIZPAM25 9/30/2012 2:57PM

    May God Bless & Keep You Always! emoticon emoticon

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LADYGSC 9/26/2012 11:24PM

    I am praying for you and I know that God answers prayers. I am happy to hear that you prayed your way through your problems and I will say to you, that this too shall pass and all is well! Be blessed and keep sparking!!!

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PURPLEPEONY 9/25/2012 1:03PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CAROLIAN 9/23/2012 4:31AM

    Hang in there you will get to where you are going we all have times when we fall by the waysidee but manage to get back on the path again. We are all here together through the good and the not so good times emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROROSWORLD 9/22/2012 9:49AM

    Thank you for the support!! It helps more than I can express!! emoticon

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KRYSTALLA 9/21/2012 10:16PM

    May you have less frustrations and more good times ahead of you.

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CTUPTON 9/21/2012 9:23AM

    God bless you, Chris. And thanks so much for writing this blog.

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MELTEAGUE 9/21/2012 8:42AM

    Sweet sister in Christ, there is a book you must read that I recommend because it changed my life and I think it will help you get your mind in the right place for victory. It is called : Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. ( you can get it on Amazon.com)
I am so glad that God was faithful to get you through the night and give you bright hope for tomorrow, and I hope that as you read the book, things will click into place for you. Please know I am here for you if you need support! God bless,
M

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Words Come Out of My Mouth...

Friday, September 14, 2012

I know that my blog posts have been a bit of a downer of late, and I apologize heartily for that, but my life has been a bit of a downer lately. And blogging is supposed to deal with exploring our lives through the written word, so...

I come from a long line of warrior women who are also fiercely private about their personal lives. When I came out of the hospital the first time, and was told to continue therapy, I got a lot of "You are going to share your personal thoughts and our family secrets with a stranger?" Well, yeah, because sharing them with you, has gone so well for me, that I now feel I can share with others. Not. They finally adjusted to the idea of therapy last year...? The first conversations took place in 1996, after a suicide attempt, and a five day mandatory vacation at the mental facility of my choice.

Part of the problem, besides the fact that I speak one language and they speak another, is that they seldom hear all of what I say to them. They pick the parts they can deal with and pretend the rest was never said. They will occasionally try to chalk my remembering certain conversations up to my various mental issues. I have spent a great part of my life, just staring at them in wonder, trying to figure out how they could be my Grandmother's children. She heard every word someone said and she would think before she spoke and respond as though she heard every word, not just the ones she liked. Her children, even though, they are all English Majors at one stage or another of their college experiences, do not hear many of the words spoken to them and seem not to understand many others.

A prime example: I said to my aunt on the phone the other day, "I am going to be cutting it close this month, so we need to be careful." we were talking about my finances, she is my payee. "She says okay, make sure you record any purchases you make with the card." I assured her I would and asked her to do the same, so I would know what I was working with at all times. Because in the past she has managed to overdraw my account, which is attached to her Overdraft Protection, then she wanted me to pay her back for the overture, which she caused by not checking my balance before deciding to make a purchase. I put a table on layaway and told her that I would have to make a payment later in the month, she said okay. Then my doctor prescribed a medicine that is not on my formulary and instead of asking me if I could pay six times my copay for the med, she just got it. Then was baffled when I was upset with her. I reminded her of our earlier conversation and she said she didn't think it had to deal with medicines. Huh? There is no other fund for medicine, there is just one fund and six times my copay was not figured into the budget. She was sorry, but finding a way to fix the difference was still my problem and getting me approved for the med, is also my problem. I ended up borrowing money from my father. Then she asks me if I am going to be able to pay her any of the money she says I owe her from when she overdrew my account. About this time, I figure that my family kidnapped me from visiting space aliens.

I have sat down and explained to her several times that I have severe agoraphobia. I gave her information on the condition and we discussed the information. So, seven years later, why am I still having to explain why I can not do something? Well, because words come out of my mouth, but no one listens. I have been practically homebound since the theatre shootings in July, here in Colorado. So, under the best of circumstances going out of my apartment, down to another floor, and turning my back to the door, while standing in front of an open window to do my laundry would be rough. Now, it is not even imaginable.

I haven't done laundry since, the week before the shooting, (yes, I have that many pairs of underwear,lol!). I was going to gather my small reserve of courage and suck it in and do my laundry yesterday, but...

When I was startled awake by some noise outside, I had a seizure, which is known to happen when I am too stressed out. Then I had a fight with my cat, because it was 2am and I wanted to try for more sleep, she wanted me to get up, and it got ugly. I in trying to not harm my beloved furbaby, decided to do my exercises. I put the tape in, am starting to mellow out and my cat comes over and lies down right under where I need to put my foot and will not move. I pushed her back a little and went on, she moved back, and when I didn't stop working out to pet her, she attacked my foot and split it open. (I worked in the medical field for 20 years and can handle severed limbs without breaking a sweat, let me see my own blood going anywhere but into a lab tube and I get dizzy and pass out.) I looked down at my foot and saw little bubbles of blood beginning to escape from the slice. The room spun and everything went gray. I managed to call my mother and she started my way. While waiting, I had another seizure, passed out and was coming to, when my mother comes in and starts yelling at my cat. The cat came flying to me for protection. My mother came after her, she thought I was in danger so she swung at my mother. Who got angrier. I started to go out again, so I told my cat to go under the futon and stay there, then I passed out. I came to, to my mother bandaging my foot and my cat fussing from under the safety of the futon. My mother finally went home, still fussing about how if my cat hurts me she is going to make the cat disappear. I got my cat settled down, then I limped into the kitchen to clean up from chili making night. This is all before 11am. My aunt called to see if I still needed my books picked up from the library. I told her yes, please and asked what time she was coming.

She got this tone in her voice, "Why?" she asked in suspicion.

"I just wanted to know, if you would run through the drive through before you come, you drive past several, something from any one would be alright."

"You don't have food there you can cook?"

"I have chili, which gave me heartburn last night, and I do not want anymore yet. Other than that no."

"It must be nice to decide that you do not feel like eating the food you have and just have other food brought to you." Heavy sigh. "Where do you want it from?"

"Good Times, please."

"You get the #2, right?"

"Yes."

"I should be there in about an hour or so, since you can not eat something there."

At this point, I told her about my morning and how I was still dizzy and felt off from the seizures and my foot hurt.

"Oh. Well, like I said, in about an hour." Then she said goodbye and hung up.

She arrived in about an hour with food for me and food for her, that she bought with my card. I usually do not mind and I do not ask for the money back because she did bring me food. However, I am running short this month. She knows this and was offended that I didn't say she didn't have to pay me back. The only reason I can afford the burger in the first place is because the way I fixed the problem, was to borrow money from my father, which my aunt doesn't know. While we are eating, she asks me why I haven't done my laundry. I remind her of the morning I had. When we are done eating I went to stand up and almost went out again. She has to help me to bed, then asks me why I am still wearing the same pajamas from the other night when she was over. I remind her of my laundry situation. She tells me she doesn't have time to help and runs down a list of the things she already has to do for me, which I didn't even ask about or ask her to do the laundry. Then she leaves. I escape into sleep.

When I wake up, the things I did ask her to do before she left, are not done. I just shake my head and go on with my afternoon.

Now, this morning I have a doctor's appointment. I have been up since 2 in the morning trying to convince myself I can do this. My stomach is upset. My hands are shaking and my neck and shoulders are hard enough to break diamonds on. And I know that the doctor's office will get why I do not want to come in. However, my aunt, will fuss at me. So, here I sit, getting more and more tense, my mouth going dry, my breathing labored and my heart racing, trying to decide which one will be less traumatic: going out to the doctor for a routine med check or dealing with my aunt. I will let you decide which one you think is going to be more stressful.

Sorry for the rant. But words come out of my mouth....I really wonder if anyone listens. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FERGSGIRL2 9/18/2012 12:16PM

    Allow yourself to be you, and yes people do listen. Blessings to you,

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CAROLIAN 9/16/2012 4:32PM

    emoticon Never be sorry for how you feelgetting it wrote down is better than bottling it up You are not alone we are all here for you Keep on blogging Wish i lived over there so i could help you get your laundry done. Also i wish your aunt didnt treat you the wayshe does Will pray for you and your situation
love Carol together emoticon

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KRYSTALLA 9/14/2012 11:54PM

    Sorry you have had such a hard time. Sounds to me like you need more or better help and someone who really will listen to you doing the helping. I hope things get better for you soon. emoticon

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ELSCO55 9/14/2012 11:46PM

    So sorry for all the stress. Your blog is for you to write what you need to.
Hope today was a better day. Cats are so independent , but also very protective.


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2BMYOWN 9/14/2012 2:44PM

    I don't know if it would help you, but I happened across a book by Dean Ornish titled "Love and Survival". This stress and anxiety that you feel, re: to going out, etc., it all comes from within yourself, and when we suffer these things, the only way to ever surmount them is to dig to the depths of why they are there and trying to 'fix' what is wrong within ourselves to make us healthier, emotionally. Anxiety is a form of extreme self-concentration that overtakes us and allows us to not be able to fixate on anything but what is going on inside ourselves, which only serves to make it worse. Both my son and I have suffered along the way from anxiety disorders, altho not to the extent that you do, as far as developing the agoraphobia, etc. But it is totally incapacitating when it happens, and many people do not understand that at all, and so they deliberately 'tune it out' when someone else is a victim of this sort of malady because they genuinely do not have a lot of sympathy for it.....to them, it is just more 'whining', really. This seems to me, from what you have written here, to be the mindset that your family has adopted with you because of your struggles with this. And they are not alone....there are many people out there who do this with people. What this does is devalue the person (you) even more, because it is so apparent that they have really no interest whatsoever in what you are really feeling, or saying, which only serves to exacerbate what you are feeling because it makes you feel even MORE 'less than' than you already do from coping with this, and adds to the anxiety that is already there. I don't know what the answer is to this.....people are, overall, not very empathetic to their fellow human beings. And once they have this mind-frame toward what you say or feel, it tends to translate to everything else that you say or feel......in short, they develop a way of only half listening to ANYTHING that you say, and therefore slide right over most of it, with the overall feeling (inside themselves) of 'oh gawd, here she goes again, more whining.....'. Is this how they make you feel?

What this Ornish book emphasized to me is that all of the deficiencies we perceive within ourselves basically come from that place within us that tells us we are not of value, either to ourselves or to others. We do not have a healthy self-love or a healthy self-image. If we DID have these things, we would not suffer from these anxieties and these internalizations of other peoples' opinions of us. Other peoples' opinions would not matter to us at all because we would realize that their opinions do not define us in any way, shape, or form. So the work that we MOST need to do is to find that again.....to realize that we are actually perfect just as we are, that these maladies and these phobias are not what we 'are', but merely outward displays of our own learned and pathological coping mechanisms that we adopted as children as a result of not really being heard and being devalued by others, and thus internalizing those thoughts in relation to ourselves. We in essence took those opinions and made them our own, to ourselves. It's just a thought.....

But these anxieties can actually become our 'comfort zone'....we can use them to define and to limit ourselves, in life. They prevent us from living our lives to a great extent. It becomes a comfort to us to use them to stay where we are, and to therefore remain dependent upon everyone around us to do what we should be doing ourselves, for ourselves. Just remember that you become what you think....and if you tell yourself that you cannot do this or that, then you will become that, and you will not be able to do what you tell yourself that you can't. And that is a very human thing to do......we all do that, to a certain extent, I believe. But we owe it to ourselves to be much more than that, and to find the life that we were meant to have, without limits and without always feeling deficient. And it's a hard thing to do......maybe the HARDEST thing to do. But until you can do this, you remain mired within your own box, and victim of the kind of mentality that you are now enduring from your relatives, which only enhances your deficiencies and makes you feel even worse than you already do.....and as tho you do not matter to those closest to you in any genuine way. We essentially (and usually unknowingly) 'teach' people how to treat us.....and when you are not healthy within yourself, with your own self image, then those around us will treat us accordingly. It is a true fact that the world takes you at your own estimation. And for what it's worth, I am right there with you, because I have not yet found that key to a healthy self-love, either, but I am working on trying to do just that, because I know that I am more than what people have always told me that I am. And I cannot listen to them, anymore, because they base their opinions of me merely on their own perceptions....which do not define me in any way at all and are not the least bit accurate, it is merely **their perception**, it really has nothing to do with me at all. We cannot take these things personally at all, because even tho it feels personal, it truly isn't.....it is only their (overall unconscious) reaction to the unhealthy 'vibes' that come from within us. This world and the people in it may never treat us as we should really be treated, because we do live in an overall selfish and damaged world, and damaged people pretty much just damage others.....but we CAN stop damaging ourselves, which will improve everything and everyone around us, AND US. Become that marvelous and wondrous creature you really are, and leave those limiting phobias and other peoples' lack of caring in the dust of the past where they all belong. Don't worry about other people not listening to you.....but listen to yourself at all times, and be the best that you can be, only for yourself. By becoming that marvelous person you are meant to be, you will improve the world at large and all of the naysayers in your life will have absolutely no impact on you whatsoever. And you won't need them, anymore, because you will have yourself.

Comment edited on: 9/14/2012 2:47:35 PM

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APROUDWANNABE 9/14/2012 9:42AM

    Never be sorry for a rant. This is YOUR blog and you get to rant all you want, and I will read every single word because what you say is important, and YOU are important. Sometimes you have to get stuff out in the open and not keep it all bottled up inside! emoticon

I'm sorry yesterday was such a stressful day. emoticon When someone acted like I never told them a piece of important information, I'd be tempted to say "why do YOU think this did/didn't happen?" because you can only say something so many times. Eventually, THEY have to start saying it in order for them to believe it and it to sink in!

Today WILL be a better day. Just remember - yesterday was yesterday, and today is today... let today form its' own identity before you try to judge it by yesterday! emoticon

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Yesterday, Resignation. Today, Fear. Tomorrow...

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Yesterday, started off as a pretty good day, even though my baby got me up at 2am and wanted to play. Then it went downhill, quickly. First we had a fight about Mommy having the right to go back to bed, especially when the furry, little terrorist is napping on the sofa within five minutes of waking me up, by sitting on me and cutting off my air!! Then when I couldn't go back to sleep, I realized that I really wanted to exercise, so I got my tape out, put it in, and chair danced. When I went to stand up my entire left side, spasmed so hard it dropped me back into my chair. I did some stretches, gritting through the pain and went on with cleaning the kitchen and fixing my breakfast. I got involved with trying to straighten out a problem with my computer and fix some layaway issues, and ate everything on my plate, which was way past full. Then I did research on Chemically-Induced Cardiac Stress Tests, my doctor had scheduled one. Well, it turned out that I am on 3 meds that are counterindicated for the drugs they use during the test, there is a good chance Medicare will not cover the test with the diagnosis that the doctor used, and my therapist thinks my current stress level and a stress test are a bad mix. I tried explaining all of this to my aunt, who is my POA and "caregiver" and she uh-huhs and agrees with me than gives me the numbers to call. Well, I do not do well talking to people on the phone, it is a big stressor for me. But she wasn't going to do it and the test was scheduled for this morning. So, I called, it turned into a big deal. When I got off the phone I was shaking.

I looked around me at the mess the house is in, I am waiting to be approved for a professional caregiver, who would clean the house and do my laundry, my dirty clothes have taken over my closet and the floors need to be vacuumed really bad. I went to write, but couldn't, then I went to play games and my computer kept getting hung up. So, I threw up my hands in defeat and went and had a bowl of chili on chips with avocado cream, in rebellion. It wasn't even 10am yet. I spent the rest of the day in a funk, resigned to the fact that I am always going to be really fat, I will never again just leave and go places like regular people do and it would never change because the person who is supposed to be helping me, forgets to send in paperwork and I keep getting disapproved for things. So I went and got in the bed, pulled the covers over my head and stayed there. When I am asleep, I don't care about all of these things.

Today, I got up at 3am, did my exercise and fought horrible heartburn from yesterday's chili episode, realized that my left side still hurts. I took my blood pressure and it was 164/110, which is nowhere in the realm of good. True, I haven't taken my medicine yet, you know the one, I swore I would not start taking, well I did and it might make the blood pressure come down, but it might not. I still cannot tell if I am losing or gaining and I was suddenly terrified, that I am going to die before the day is out, because I do not feel good. I am still terrified, if I allow myself to stop long enough to think about anything.

Tomorrow, well, for the first time the thought is entering my head, that if I do not get my weight and blood pressure under control and keep them there, there are no tomorrows. Who would take care of my special needs cat, who would not survive going back to a pound? How will my parents be okay if I go from stupid reasons like this, years before I have to, and before my father and I can see each other again. We just found one another about 4 years ago, we haven't had a face-to-face conversation since my third birthday. He is wheel-chaired bound and I am agoraphobic, so it has been something we dream about but has not happened yet. How will the world get to read my stories or sing my songs? I realized that I really am not ready to die. And I realized that I really might, if things do not change. I really want tomorrows.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROROSWORLD 9/13/2012 12:22PM

    Thank you so much for the encouraging words and support. They make me feel so much better!! emoticon emoticon

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KRYSTALLA 9/12/2012 8:51PM

    I hope things get better for you soon. emoticon

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APROUDWANNABE 9/12/2012 11:39AM

    I'm sending you lots of emoticon and good thoughts! I'm sorry that you've had such a bad couple of days. emoticon And I'm GLAD that you're thinking about the importance of tomorrow! emoticon "Tomorrow" keeps me focused and on the right path many-a-times when I feel like giving up, because no matter what, TOMORROW will get here! And sometimes all we can do is our best to make sure that we have the best tomorrow that we can.

I love Dusty's advice about doing one thing each day to feel proud of yourself about. emoticon I hope it's okay that I'm borrowing that advice, because that's going to be my new goal until further notice. emoticon

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ANGRITTER 9/12/2012 10:52AM

    Oh, I hate the POA thing in disability. Cam anyone else you know take over the POA, or just someone to call for you and get information on the meds vs. the test. Working with family is hard, especially when someone doesn't listen to you. Can you e-mail your docs instead of calling them? Would that be helpful?

I am also somewhat agoraphobic - I start panicking as I am leaving the yard - especially if I am in the passenger seat.

I certainly hope you get the caregiver you should have. It's ridiculous that you should have to live at the mercy of others!

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.DUSTY. 9/12/2012 10:10AM

    Please don't give up Ro! You are NOT destined to be overweight or housebound!
Do one thing each day to make you feel proud of yourself.
I hope you get approved for a professional caregiver. It doesn't sound like your aunt is working out.
emoticon

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PURPLEPEONY 9/12/2012 9:00AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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I Canít Decide What The Feeling Is

Monday, September 03, 2012

I had an all the way down, full-out nervous breakdown in late 2004. I stopped talking, couldnít dress myself, had to be led to the shower, had to be fed, I completely checked out. This happened as a result of the current stress in my life, (my boss was from the lower levels of Hell!!); I suddenly recalled, in detail that stole my breath, 14+ years of sexual, physical and mental torture. Then for icing on this horrible cake, I remembered belonging to a Satanic Ritualistic Coven, You know the kind that supposedly donít exist!! I did this without being in therapy, on my own. To say it rocked my world is the biggest understatement I can imagine. I bravely motored through a whole year like this.

Then one weekend in October it all seemed to huge to bare anymore and I tried for the 15th time to end my life. So, my coworkers and boss, saw me at work on Friday and I was fine, they got a call on Sunday night from my aunt, that I was in the mental facility on a 72 hr hold. I almost died this time. I stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated. I went back to work on Thursday of the following week and picked up where I left off. Then my boss decided on the following Monday, that she wanted a medical clearance letter, stating that I wasnít a danger to anyone. I had been working for three days without it and was more than doing my job, as always. This would go in my permanent record, I would have a hard time getting a job anywhere or moving up there. She did this because her boss had been trying to talk me into taking her job, since I was already doing it. I got very angry, to put it mildly, reminded her that I had been back to work for three days already and was doing fine and that this would ruin my work record. She threatened to have me escorted from the premises if I didnít get the letter.

All of the sudden, I knew if I looked up and across her desk at her, I would choke her, until there was no life left in her. The knowledge scared me, I am not a violent person, I am always polite, and I do not raise my voice let alone my hands. It took me a long time to get that way and I prided myself on it. So, with my head still down, I said in a somewhat menacing whisper, ďGet out!! Now!!Ē She left her own office to get away from me. That was it. I had scared someone into fleeing their own office, just by the sound of my voice. I started to sob, crying is much too mild a word for what was coming out of me. A friend, took me past her, covering my eyes and led me to my car. I do not remember the drive home, but I remember walking into the kitchen and just grabbing my aunt and holding on for dear life. It felt like if I let go, I would implode and die. It took my mother and aunt, 4 Ĺ hours to get me calm enough to go to see the therapist I had quit seeing a year and a half ago. By the time we got to her office, I was nonresponsive. My mother knew how I felt about going back to the hospital, so she took care of me at home. About a month later, I spoke a full sentence. By February of the following year, I could be trusted to eat, bathe, and dress appropriately. I moved here in March of that year, and began the fight for benefits. It took me 5 Ĺ years to get approved and it was another couple of months before the amount was right.

Somewhere during that fight, I got angry. I was angry that the fight had to happen. Angry that the statute of limitations had expired on the crimes committed against me by a few months and that the sexual predator who had killed children would remain free. And I was angry that no one seemed to think that was a bad thing. So, I started my own nonprofit organization. My organization was an online resource for adult survivors of child sexual abuse. I built the website. I read books in coding so I could do it. I got incorporated. I even tried for a grant or two. However, my board was not really on board and the amount of work required to keep it going was starting to become a new stressor in my life. I took on the Big Guys of the World, organizations like NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) and The False Memory Recovery Syndrome Foundation. I talked at church in front of others about the cause. I researched like a fiend. My organization replaced alcohol for me and it made me feel like I was doing something so that other children would not have the horrible childhood I had had, so that other mothers wouldnít wake up to find one day, that their children had been living in Hell without their knowledge. And slowly, it started to make me sicker emotionally and mentally. So, first I tried cutting down the scope of the organization and leaving the Big Guys for organizations like RAINN, I focused on helping the individual and sending letters to newspapers, tv stations, radio stations and Congress, to raise awareness.

I woke up about three months ago, and in a distinct voice, God told me, that the time had come to let it go. Constantly living in the past because so many parts of the life I had rebuilt were centered around the huge thing in my past. It was time to stop joining every group for survivors I came across. Time to stop losing sleep and money helping strangers, who turned out to be lying, more often than not. Time to start working on a future where Writer and Lyricist were the words I used to define myself, instead of Incest Survivor and Advocate. He let me see that other people were made in a way that they could still exist whole and separate while working in the field, but it consumed me until it was all I was.

I closed down the Facebook page for the org. a couple of weeks ago and I have felt lost and adrift since then. However, today, I stopped the website from being a paid site, it will eventually fade away into obscurity and become outdated. Someone might be helped by it, but I can not help them personally. I know that I wish I could. But my approach to things like illness and sorrow is to give everything in helping the person and leave nothing for me, eventually you dry up and blow away. I was close to burn out in the medical field when the recall happened because I spent almost every waking moment at the clinic I worked at. The patients were my life and I had nothing and no one really outside of the clinic.

I donít want to binge, which means, possibly that I am not stressed out over the end of this path in my journey. I donít want to eat at all, which could mean I am depressed, but I do not feel depressed. I feel lost and without purpose or cause. My sense of time has been off all day, slowed down so much so, that it feels as though it should be hours earlier than it is. There is no excitement that now, I have severed my last tie to that world or that I will be able to devote all my time to writing and getting published. Or to losing the weight I need to. There is not even sorrow, which is what I expected to feel. I do not know what to call this feeling. I do not know when it will change and others will come or if it will change. For six long, hard years, that organization was all I thought about, dreamed about, woke up for, maybe even lived for. There is not even guilt that I am leaving the monster who hurt me out there. I know logically that I have done everything I can and now it is up to God to stop him, so I feel no guilt or responsibility for stopping him.

Maybe this feeling is hope that I get to live MY life now, instead of the one my family wanted me to live, or the one that I pretended to live, or the one I have been living for the last six years. No more being up to my ears in tragic tale after tragic tale. No more hate mail. No more having to hide out from pedophiles in this area. And no real reason to hold onto all that junk from the past. Maybe it is freedom I am feeling, I have never felt free before, maybe this is how it feels.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROROSWORLD 9/5/2012 11:14AM

    thank you for the support!! Today the emotions are definitely more down than up, but still not distinguishable. I decided, I would honor each one, not react to any, but not to judge them either. Maybe when I am done processing them, I will begin to see what is down the road, a piece, as they say!! Hugs!!

Blessings,
Ro emoticon

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APROUDWANNABE 9/4/2012 8:15AM

    You deserve to have that freedom. emoticon You have done so much good, but to give so much of yourself takes so much energy. You've done more in the past six years that most people do to help others in their entire lifetimes. Take your well deserved break and focus on YOU, because you are worthy of time and attention too!

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MEDDYPEDDY 9/4/2012 3:57AM

    Thank you for sharing that strong story when there is still so much left before yo have found the balance you seem to want. I have no idea where your journey will take you I can just tell you that telling it helped a swedish person who does not at all have the same experiences but I am struggling with life and try to find the purpose I need to have hope and strength... thanks again!

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KRYSTALLA 9/3/2012 10:35PM

    After reading all that and coming to tears, I just felt like giving you a emoticon, and letting you know that it is okay, it is time for you to be you to be free to do what you want out of life. Let the past be that in the past, move on and be what and who you want to be and do what you think will make you happy not what others think will. Whatever it is , do it for you. emoticon

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Have No Idea What Day It Is

Sunday, August 26, 2012

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However, I am doing well with my Sweet Streak. It is becoming second nature that I only get to have a treat once a day and to seriously think about when I want that once to be. There was even a day when there was not treat, I forgot. So, overall, I think this one is getting hit out of the park. emoticon I do not want to get cocky or to brag, but it just feels so good that something I thought was going to be so hard, is not all that hard now that I am doing it. Just like the exercise is not that hard to get myself to do, now that I have started. It feels so good to know I am doing things that will help me have a better quality of life, everyday, as a part of my day. It feels like I finally made it across the valley and I am starting to climb the mountain and at the top of the mountain is a normal weight and good health and less stress!! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANDYCANE4049 8/27/2012 7:12PM

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CAROLIAN 8/27/2012 3:11PM

    emoticon

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APROUDWANNABE 8/26/2012 2:19PM

    Brag away! You're doing a great job, and you deserve to brag! emoticon

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