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RIVERSTONEANNIE's Recent Blog Entries

Do you wanna know how I know you're gay??

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I thought I would get your attention with that opener. actually that is one of my favorite sequences in 40 year old virgin but the other day I went to see mamma mia with my partner, a neice and two nephews. I was surprised that in the theater we were actually surrounded but middle aged women and quite a few women clearly over 60. that got me thinking a little bit, then my brother in law was over to pick up his kids from us. I said something about approaching middle age. he said "APPROACHING"??? damn it I thought! so here is my new joke
Q: Do you wanna know how I know I'M middle aged? A: I went to see Mamma Mia over the weekend and LOVED it!
In a year when I have lived through many middle age type experiences ie: the marriage of my oldest daughter, my partner's heart attack, my mother's critical illness and being sent home on permanant oxygen supplementation, stress eating and weight gain, I think about how I always wished I would finally feel grown up. Well folks, this is it. I have arrived.

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ROYALETBONE 8/21/2008 11:06PM

    So, um, if it's the MIDDLE- then it should be age 30-40, right? Cause MIDDLE means mid point.... so I'm WAY past middle. But hey, we're Americans, we pretend we're not going in any direction at ALL- certainly not to old, elder, old farts....
But, then, I'm ahead of you, girl. Yup, I'm ahead.

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She was with me

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Today I could feel God with me. This is a sensation that I had been longing for since starting my 12 step work 2+ years ago and inexplicably she was with me today. this morning right in the center of my chest, right beside me. This was difficult for my addicted brain to understand because of couse I'm STILL not perfect, I'm human, I'm a mess at times, I still struggle with finishing my step work, struggle with my food plan, and with money. What the 12 steps has done for me is to help me to learn that there is grace in simply being human, and to understand that she's there even when I DON't feel her. the food went well today. It is so nice not to feel bloated... and to feel free from obsessing over what I put in my mouth.


Life changing couple of months

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Since Pam's heart attack I have decided that I can't possibly be a nurse for the rest of my working life. Especially not in the ICU. The hospital that I work at has a nationally recognized clinical pastoral program.....where people go to become chaplains. I am going to spend the next year getting ready fiancially to stop working as much and start the program. The funny thing is, the course is 1400 hours but the tuition is only about one dollar an hour when it comes right down to it. for a 1400 hour program many chaplains can actually make about 50 k per year when they get out. (I make signif. more than that now so it would be a pay cut but that is not bad for such a short education). I have let food get to me in the interim since the Hear attack. Not in a huge binge cycle way but I think I have gained 5 pounds. I am afraid to weigh but I have started tracking my nutrition again. I'll bite the bullet and weigh tomorrow. went for a hike with Pam and the dogs today so I got the excercise in so I'm headed to the right place anyway. Jus letting you all know. I'm back. Look out.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LAURIEWY 11/15/2007 1:56PM

    Life's full of changes, some we plan and some just happen. But both make us stronger and both help pave the way through life. I hope you enjoy whichever path you chose to take. And it's great to have you back!

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SUSIEQ911 11/4/2007 10:39AM

    I think that's so great! It's a wonderful giving thing that you are doing and it will not only help you, but you will be able to help others.

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NOREGRET2010 11/4/2007 9:31AM

    Wow...some life-changing stuff there....welcome back to SP!

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I lost my nerve for a minute but I found it again.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

The food is going better the last couple of days. I make meals ahead of time and freeze them to take to work. The meals have a pretty consistent nutritional profile and are delicious so it is pretty simple when I am working to be free from compulsive overeating. After Pam's heart attack I took monday night off. and wednesday off. I went back to work thursday and did ok but yesterday, friday I worked. I had a patient who had come in with shortness of breath and ended up having large blood clots in all his lung fields, malignant inflitrates in his left lung, a crappy crappy heart with about 25% of it's function and pancreatic and liver cancer. the news just kept getting worse and the doctors just hadn't told he or his family yet. I was just a witness to all the unfolding diagnostic testing. in the afternoon I just felt so anxious I called pam and she was ok. all the stress and emotion of the last week sort of decended on me and i actually started to loose my nerve for doing critical care nursing for about a half hour. I had to have the educator fill in for me while I took a walk and took a breather. I came back and it was all right. I was able to finish everything I had to finish. I did pray my way through this. That always works, always. Om.

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LAURIEWY 9/11/2007 3:00PM

    Hang in there! It is hard dealing with family illness especially when you are in the medical field. Often people can forget about what is going on and engulf themselves in work, but your work reminds you every second about how fragile life is. Your job is constintly reminding you about Pam. It will get easier and remember that you are there for some other family fighting to save their loved on just like you prayed for someone to fight and save Pam. Hugs.

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The food has been tough today but tomorrow is new.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Pam is home from the hospital. I brought her home yesterday and today has been an emotional day. Pam doesn't cry.....ever, unless she is talking about the deaths of her brother, sister in law, nephew and neice. She was crying today though. I cry all the time so it was nothing new for me. I'm just glad she is still alive. This has certainly brought home the fact that we are only mortal and I likely will lose her some day. it could have been this weekend so I have a reprieve with which to love and enjoy her. The food has actually been difficult today and yesterday. I found it hard to be abstinent and it has not been such a challenge for a long time. I noticed today it has been a while since I felt out of control around food. the stress can really bring it on. the difference today is that I don't feel the need to beat myself up over it or hate or loathe myself over it. and then get into a hopeless spiral of guilt and out of control behavior. that makes it easier to get on with life and be abstinent tomorrow.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LAURIEWY 9/6/2007 6:38PM

    I'm so happy to hear that Pam is home and doing better. Don't beat yourself up over the emotional eating, you've been through a very difficult time and it is very common. I also think that it is also common to beat ourselves up more when we are in stressful situations. Hang in there and hang onto all the lovely days you have with Pam in your future. Hugs

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HUSKY_HANK 9/6/2007 8:58AM

    Glad to hear Pam is home. I will continue to keep you two in my thoughts.

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