RICKEYEA   5,344
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Quick thought

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


Random thoughts...

Putting myself first proved to be the hardest thing I've done in my life thus far. I realized that I thought something was wrong with my being happy, like I'm not worthy of it.

While other's are preparing their New Year's resolutions I think my awakening is now, today is the start of my new year...today I chose to be happy and while I know this won't be easy b/c I will beat myself up with guilt along the way, I will keep fighting.

We are all worthy of our deepest fears, this is why they keep haunting us, reminding us that life is short.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYGSC 11/27/2013 5:48PM

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PHEBESS 11/26/2013 11:19PM

    I think one of the purposes of life is to be happy and enjoy it!!!

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Tired of beating myself up

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Here lately...and I'm sure this isn't recent but I've been beating myself up. Feeling bad about the way I've been eating (very poorly) and the list goes on and on. I feel like I'm at a wall, literally, how do I get past it? What do I do? Other than prayer, I've got nothing....

Any ideas?

  
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WILSON1926 3/28/2013 1:28PM

    STOP THAT! ONE DAY AT A TIME
MICHAEL

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5 weeks to go........!

Monday, July 09, 2012



I have approximately 5 weeks before I give birth to my second child! The excitement continues to build. I'm hoping my body will physically feel less stress b/c this pregnancy has been very uncomfortable. I continue to hear people say the usual remarks a woman expecting may hear "you're glowing" "you look good" BUT!!!!! I'm sorry the discomfort outweighs any of the comments. I feel bloated all of the time and I can only jog for X amount of minutes before my stomach starts to cramp. Today, while walking out of the gym I became nervous b/c I started to experience a horrible cramp in my left side. I think I may need to slow it down a little. I just fear not being able to pick up from where I left off at. I don't want to take a 5 week break from working out. I feel like my body has become addicted to it. I'm going to keep going until I mentally can't.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

X5X52000 7/9/2012 7:01PM

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MAMAJAHMAI 7/9/2012 6:44PM

    Not only will you be able to pick up where you left off, you will AMAZE yourself. I really second what ACCT1908 said though, second babies tend to come faster so, you must take it easy!!!!

Walking and such encourages the cervix to dilate and such thereby speeding up the labor process. -I am NOT a doctor, but I was really active until my due date and ended up having the baby with 30 minutes of getting to the hospital, I have a friend who got to the hospital fully dilated at 10cms with her 2nd baby......so take it easy dear--Congrats!!! Wonderful things are happening! So excited :) emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/9/2012 6:48:48 PM

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MZPERSEVERANCE 7/9/2012 2:24PM

    Congrats...

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ACCT1908 7/9/2012 1:45PM

    Take it easy!!!! :-)

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Red Flags!

Thursday, May 31, 2012



I need to vent.

I feel like life is trying his hardest to knock me down and tie me up. Unfortunately, with the way I feel, I would gladly give up but my daughter's "credo" if you will keeps coming to mind " We don't give up and we don't give in. " How can I give up and give in if my 5 year old won't? I can honestly say I am near my breaking point.

I got married right after college at the age of 23. I thought "WE" were in love, not realizing my husband needed more than love, he needed stability (in the form of a green card). All of the red flags were present, I just chose to ignore them. Like the time when my car broke down on I-95 as I was headed to DC to work with my study group for grad school. I was one exit from his sister's house and he refused to call her to come help me b/c, did not give an excuse other than "I don't like calling her for things like that"...It was raining, my cell phone died, I was stranded and needed to pee....I ended up relieving myself in a plastic bottle, and walking along I-95 until a car full of men stopped and gave me a ride (I WAS SCARED!!) because the driver did not want to let me out of the car....needless to say I made it through, called a tow flagged down a state trooper, called my insurance co. had a tow truck come and get me.

Red flag number 2: One month after we were married I looked in his cell phone and learned that I was not the only woman he was interested in. THERE WERE MANY of us, including a stripper. I immediately kicked him out. I should have stayed in the moment b/c as soon as he left I felt amazing, like I could breathe again.

Red Flag number 3: I worked two jobs, 7 days a week, and was a full time pregnant graduate student on a commuter train between Baltimore and Washington, DC....(Of course I was tired but I thought I was working for the good of my family). My husband could not work b/c he did not have a green card or work permit so all of our finances fell on me, including his legal fees. While I was busy working he was busy playing.
Again, I looked in his cell phone and discovered the next woman. I called her up, heaed an earful, cried, cried, and cried some more. Kicked my husband out and later took him back (thinking I could not raise a child on my own).

Red Flag number 4: While I was in the hospital, after having a c-section with my daughter my husband kept leaving. I was angry and felt alone (I hate hospital's). After getting home from the hospital I looked in my husband's cell phone and discovered that he was yet again, involved with another woman. I called the young woman and she apologized, stating that she was sorry and did not know. He told her I was "his crazy baby mama" (that really hurt). I once again kicked him out and took him back.

5 months later during my husband's Green card interview he was detained and scheduled to be deported for being out of status. I was scared and sad, and full of so many different emotions. His family kept pressuring me to get him out of detention and back home where he belonged. I felt as his wife it was my duty to get him out. I paid many consultation/fees, I searched for lawyers until I found one that I knew was well worth the $7500 he was charging me. Needless to say he got my husband out and helped him get his green card.

My husband got a job as a correctional officer and he started college.

Last year I found out my husband took his "girlfriend/co-worker" to the Poconos. I did not even know he was in PA, he was supposed to be in St. Louis visiting a friend.

We were supposed to separate last year but he wanted to work things out....little did I know, I would meet Ebony, a woman that lived down the street from me who my husband stopped at a red light to get her phone number. When my uncle passed away and I had to drive to NY for his funeral, my husband was back in MD taking Ebony to dinner.

Why didn't I pay attention to the signs??? I am seriously suffering for it now. I recently got promoted at work (awesome) and applied for another promotion which I would not be eligible for until next year. I was selected for this promotion as well, I had to recertify my clearance and guess what? RED FLAG!!!!! My credit is horrible so now, me, single MOM, 7 months pregnant, with a 5 year old (sitting right beside me asking me 500 questions as I type this), bills everywhere, may, possibly lose my job b/c of my credit.

Me finding out that I was pregnant is what gave me enough courage to leave my husband. I could not stand to see him running around with other women while I stayed at home pregnant and praying (that he would do right).

I don't know what God's plan is for me but with the way it's going I'm seriously confused. When am I going to get it right? When will the hurt go away, the feeling foolish go away, the saddness. I worked so hard for MY FAMILY. When my husband started working he continued to act as if he was not working, did not help with the finances the way he should have. I continued to work two jobs up until the day I moved out.

God, I know I said this was a vent but I'm really talking to you. I don't understand my life right now and I need some serious guidance. I'm assuming I stayed with my husband for the sake of my daughter and future son. I'm assuming they are going to make a difference in this world. But what about me God? Was I just the catalyst? What was my purpose? I get I'm only 30 years old but I have seriously worked hard my entire life. I started working when I was 11, I had a paper route and babysat. Then when I turned 14 I started working for the state summer work program, I volunteered at the local hospital as a candy stripe, I volunteered at my local community center, I started public speaking when I was 13. I read countless books, spent hours in the library. Before working in field of business I worked in Non-profits, and inner city schools, I never put myself first....and now I question my existence????

Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about my job BUT how else will I take care of my children??? My daughter's laughter and smile is what keeps me going. The thought of my son brings me happiness. Today I decided to name him Jeremiah after (Jeremiah 29:11).

God, I know you did not leave, you did not walk away, you are probably carrying me right now and I don't even know it. I need you to grab my mind and heart as tight as possible b/c I'm scared. I don't want to move back to NY under these circumstances. I don't want to give up so please continue to hold my hand as I walk through this fire.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KMJ1977 6/1/2012 7:32AM

    You may feel right now like you've been cut down and buried deep in all sorts of crap. But a seed gets buried in dirt and manure and grows to offer the world beauty and nourishment. You will find your way to the surface and be all the stronger for it.

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285.6 lbs/1.6lbs gained/28 wks pregnant

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Today I had another "Aha" moment. My lunchtime aerobic instructor has changed =(

Disappointed is the only word to describe how I felt. The NEW INSTUCTOR is out of her mind. She incorporates pilates and aerobic training and my body was dripping with sweat. I thought my engergy level was good UNTIL she came along. I had to keep taking breaks.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BESTMEPOSSIBLE 5/29/2012 1:30PM

    Our muscles get used to our favorite way to exercise, ANY change will feel like it's wearing you out because you are using your muscles in a new way. Don't push too hard, stay hydrated and get plenty of rest!

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PICKIE98 5/29/2012 1:04PM

    Oooh! A fresh new baby?? NO greater gift, no better smell than a baby smell,eh? You are so pretty, I can imagine how beautiful the babe will be!! Three more months!!! Maybe that new instructor needs to tailor the workout for pregos!!!! Or you do.. be careful have fun, enjoy this whole time!!
Keep drinking that water, your blood volume has doubled!!! Congratulations!!!! emoticon emoticon

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