Thursday, May 31, 2012
I need to vent.
I feel like life is trying his hardest to knock me down and tie me up. Unfortunately, with the way I feel, I would gladly give up but my daughter's "credo" if you will keeps coming to mind " We don't give up and we don't give in. " How can I give up and give in if my 5 year old won't? I can honestly say I am near my breaking point.
I got married right after college at the age of 23. I thought "WE" were in love, not realizing my husband needed more than love, he needed stability (in the form of a green card). All of the red flags were present, I just chose to ignore them. Like the time when my car broke down on I-95 as I was headed to DC to work with my study group for grad school. I was one exit from his sister's house and he refused to call her to come help me b/c, did not give an excuse other than "I don't like calling her for things like that"...It was raining, my cell phone died, I was stranded and needed to pee....I ended up relieving myself in a plastic bottle, and walking along I-95 until a car full of men stopped and gave me a ride (I WAS SCARED!!) because the driver did not want to let me out of the car....needless to say I made it through, called a tow flagged down a state trooper, called my insurance co. had a tow truck come and get me.
Red flag number 2: One month after we were married I looked in his cell phone and learned that I was not the only woman he was interested in. THERE WERE MANY of us, including a stripper. I immediately kicked him out. I should have stayed in the moment b/c as soon as he left I felt amazing, like I could breathe again.
Red Flag number 3: I worked two jobs, 7 days a week, and was a full time pregnant graduate student on a commuter train between Baltimore and Washington, DC....(Of course I was tired but I thought I was working for the good of my family). My husband could not work b/c he did not have a green card or work permit so all of our finances fell on me, including his legal fees. While I was busy working he was busy playing.
Again, I looked in his cell phone and discovered the next woman. I called her up, heaed an earful, cried, cried, and cried some more. Kicked my husband out and later took him back (thinking I could not raise a child on my own).
Red Flag number 4: While I was in the hospital, after having a c-section with my daughter my husband kept leaving. I was angry and felt alone (I hate hospital's). After getting home from the hospital I looked in my husband's cell phone and discovered that he was yet again, involved with another woman. I called the young woman and she apologized, stating that she was sorry and did not know. He told her I was "his crazy baby mama" (that really hurt). I once again kicked him out and took him back.
5 months later during my husband's Green card interview he was detained and scheduled to be deported for being out of status. I was scared and sad, and full of so many different emotions. His family kept pressuring me to get him out of detention and back home where he belonged. I felt as his wife it was my duty to get him out. I paid many consultation/fees, I searched for lawyers until I found one that I knew was well worth the $7500 he was charging me. Needless to say he got my husband out and helped him get his green card.
My husband got a job as a correctional officer and he started college.
Last year I found out my husband took his "girlfriend/co-worker" to the Poconos. I did not even know he was in PA, he was supposed to be in St. Louis visiting a friend.
We were supposed to separate last year but he wanted to work things out....little did I know, I would meet Ebony, a woman that lived down the street from me who my husband stopped at a red light to get her phone number. When my uncle passed away and I had to drive to NY for his funeral, my husband was back in MD taking Ebony to dinner.
Why didn't I pay attention to the signs??? I am seriously suffering for it now. I recently got promoted at work (awesome) and applied for another promotion which I would not be eligible for until next year. I was selected for this promotion as well, I had to recertify my clearance and guess what? RED FLAG!!!!! My credit is horrible so now, me, single MOM, 7 months pregnant, with a 5 year old (sitting right beside me asking me 500 questions as I type this), bills everywhere, may, possibly lose my job b/c of my credit.
Me finding out that I was pregnant is what gave me enough courage to leave my husband. I could not stand to see him running around with other women while I stayed at home pregnant and praying (that he would do right).
I don't know what God's plan is for me but with the way it's going I'm seriously confused. When am I going to get it right? When will the hurt go away, the feeling foolish go away, the saddness. I worked so hard for MY FAMILY. When my husband started working he continued to act as if he was not working, did not help with the finances the way he should have. I continued to work two jobs up until the day I moved out.
God, I know I said this was a vent but I'm really talking to you. I don't understand my life right now and I need some serious guidance. I'm assuming I stayed with my husband for the sake of my daughter and future son. I'm assuming they are going to make a difference in this world. But what about me God? Was I just the catalyst? What was my purpose? I get I'm only 30 years old but I have seriously worked hard my entire life. I started working when I was 11, I had a paper route and babysat. Then when I turned 14 I started working for the state summer work program, I volunteered at the local hospital as a candy stripe, I volunteered at my local community center, I started public speaking when I was 13. I read countless books, spent hours in the library. Before working in field of business I worked in Non-profits, and inner city schools, I never put myself first....and now I question my existence????
Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about my job BUT how else will I take care of my children??? My daughter's laughter and smile is what keeps me going. The thought of my son brings me happiness. Today I decided to name him Jeremiah after (Jeremiah 29:11).
God, I know you did not leave, you did not walk away, you are probably carrying me right now and I don't even know it. I need you to grab my mind and heart as tight as possible b/c I'm scared. I don't want to move back to NY under these circumstances. I don't want to give up so please continue to hold my hand as I walk through this fire.