Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I gotta be honest. This is one of those days when I would rather put my head back under the covers. My daughter's car is broken again and she is 4 hours away. Its a long story. I am trying to refocus on me and I find myself doing everything but. Because of that, I feel like I can't get a hold on my weight. I was at the barber beauty salon on Saturday and the conversation was that I used to be a bombshell back in the day. My stylist commented, "that's what they say". I felt like they were talking about someone that died, but they were talking about me. We will see where this journey leads. I am willing to do the work. I am going to do the work, oh wait for it (here comes the excuse). Bum knee and all.
I need your prayers. I have as the pictures suggests a long way to go. I am 284 lbs right now and anything lost sounds like a victory. My wory is though that once I lose it, I will gain it back and more with my thyroid problem. My endocrinologist says my metabolism is in a coma. That does not stop me from wanting to lose weight. That doesn't stop me from feeling bad when I look at myself in the mirror or hear how I used to be. I hate that and I hate my life right now.....and that ain't me. I am hoping for a miraculous change in my life. I have been laid off for over a year, got a temp job,...for now, but man I just got my MBA in Oct 09 ....which I am realizing at this moment was a year ago. and I can't get a job that pays more than $11.40 an hours. How am I going to pay a student loan back with that? Did I mention that I am 49 years old and it seems over the career hill. I am a single mother of 2 girls 20 and 18. One in college and 4 hours away and the other who doesn't want to do anything with her life. I feel like I am in a bottle and no one will let me out. I have tried and tried and tried and NOTHING..... I don't have a family that loves me except for a special few. I want VICTORY so bad and feel helpless and lost. I shall overcome, I guess. I used to know. Its like the girl they were talking about in the barber shop really is gone. She is not, is she? IS SHE? The answer is no! We are gonna make it. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
One hour later and I do feel a little better. Man what a rough morning. I know God is so disappointed in me and my wavering faith. I mean man. its rough. I just needed a boost, which blogging gave me. This is my first ever blog. I don't have facebook, I don't have my space and I don't have twitter. Maybe this is the first step and maybe not. I have to say that blogging what I felt actually gave me peace, relief and a new perspective. I am not sure that this particular blog is private because I didn't hit the share with others button and I prefer to keep these particular thoughts to myself. 4 real. I am much calmer and I am not going to as I was before going to blow off the noon walk I have scheduled with a co worder for our 2nd day. I am now looking forward to it to blow off some much needed steam. God will make a way. I don't care what no one says Yes He will Yes He Will YES HE WILL!
I have been on this journey for I guess 2 weeks now and this is the first blog that I have done. I have to say that most days like yesteday, I felt pretty good. I even remember seeing the #'s move below 280 one day. I am on my cycle today so that is partly the reason for such a blow up and the kids. But lesson learned by both my kids so I suppose it was worth it in that respect, even though it is killing me to say it. I have every confidence that Deedee's car will start and she will bring it home and a mechanic will be able to fix it. I believe!!!!!!!!
Back to my journey. I am very grateful to have found this website and very eager to continue down this road, no longer alone. the testimonials and the pictures that these people so bravely share are wonderful.... I ain't there yet. I'm am now. but I feel like I will get there. Maybe I'll take pictures along the way and post once I get somewhere. I am so scared I am gonna fail again. I gotta tell ya. but this time it is different which is a good thing. I have spark people. I never could afford a gym or weightwatchers being a single mother of 2, but now with this. I truly have no excuse. If all you people can do it, I can do it, as long as you continue to hold my hand. You don't understand. I am a person of superb confidence and hope and trust in God for all things, so for me to expose my weakness is a big deal. I am weak weak weak, but I seek to be strong again and motivated and oh yea well i'll just say it SEXY.