Monday, January 23, 2012
A great blog post I read today. Here is a little excerpt:
"Perhaps I should call you OTHER fat girl at Hot Yoga, as I was there too, easing back into my Fat Down Dog, forward to Fat Plank, then melting and pushing up to Fat Cobra, etc etc, all the way through my big fat hot Vinyasa flow. (This should be a movie—My Big Fat Hot Vinyasa Flow—I would SO go to see that.)
Is it wrong that I am half in love with you? For being fat and at Hot Yoga? For shaving your legs and getting a GOOD pedicure and putting your big ol’ ass into yoga pants ? For unrolling your mat and claiming your space, a rounded duck standing defiantly on one squatty leg among flamingos.
Were you as happy to see me as I was to see you? I think you were. You kept PEEKING at me, under your armpit and between your thighs, when you should have had been looking at your Drishti, only to find I had abandoned MY Drishti and was misaligning my spine to peek at you.
We both tipped over out of tree because of it. But it was okay. We were a secret club of Fat Girls at Hot Yoga. We understood each other."
Here is the full post:
Monday, January 23, 2012
The last few days of last week were kind of cruddy. I can't really give a specific reason, I was just not feeling like myself. I was feeling pretty low about the whole diet/exercise thing. I stayed in my calorie ranges everyday except Saturday but I only exercised twice.
But Saturday night I went out with some friends and had drinks. Too many drinks, in fact... I ended up staying the night over a friend's house. But even though I felt ill the next day and barely ate anything, it was surprisingly really restorative to my spirit. I know it sounds weird but I just needed to cut loose for a night. Been quite some time since I was that drunk and it'll be a long time again but somehow it actually got me ready to get recharged with my workouts.
I started the Spring Bootcamp challenge and I did the first workout last night, which got my heart rate up but was not insane. As much as I love Jillian Michaels, I don't think I'm ready to do the Making the Cut stuff just yet. I want to workout hard to get results but on the other hand, the most important thing is making a HABIT out of exercise right now and if I feel six feet under every time I finish a workout there is no way I am going to consistently do it. I just have too big an aversion to things that are painful. So maybe when I'm done with the Spring Bootcamp I will get back into Making the Cut or some other workout plan, who knows. For now though I am happy to plod along with some beginner stuff, even if that means it's going to take longer to lose/sculpt. I've waited almost 3 decades, I can wait a little longer.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Last few days have been pretty tough, mentally. I guess because two weeks is about the time frame my interest in fitness usually starts waining, and the cravings come calling. Also I was PMSing and now today started my period and that is by far the toughest part of the month for me, nutritionally and emotionally.
I sort of feel like a sailboat going through a storm; your rudder gets turned around, you get off course, you might get a few holes in your sails. The ship hasn't started to sink but you need to do some damage control when the storm blows over if you want to get to your destination.
One thing I know I need to do next week is get more whole foods into my diet. I didn't spend a lot of time on meal planning this past week so when I went grocery shopping there were too many processed foods in there. I've been satisfying my sweet tooth with sugar free pudding and 1/2 fat ice cream. The ice cream is going to have to stick around for a while because ice cream is one of my favorite foods and it has to have a place in my diet right now if I'm going to succeed. Just tonight, having that half cup serving of Breyers saved me from going out for the brownie sundae I wanted sooo badly. Just goes to show that when you're craving, your mind envisions the biggest, most extreme example of that particular craving it can think of but your body would be satisfied with something much less extreme if you would just try that first.
Anyway though, I need to add more fruits and veggies into my lunches. I mostly had instant oatmeal for breakfast the past two weeks and although I know eggs or non-instant oats would be better, convenience is really high priority for me while I am transitioning back over to eating less.
However, there is no way I am going to have energy to intensify my workouts like I know I need to eating so much processed stuff.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
After talking with my coworker, who is a therapist, yesterday about my story about the marathon disaster when I was younger, she pointed out that the experience might be what had put me off to running. It's odd how we bury things deep in our subconscious, never knowing how they're affecting us. I can't definitively say that she is right but I can't say she's wrong either.
And just now, looking at Tumblrs having to do with fitness, I noticed they always plaster a motivational quote over a woman's body who is incredibly ripped - Hollywood ripped. And I realize that there are certain things that makes my mind rebel against this, rather than using it for motivation as it's intended, it tends to demotivate me or at least make me cynical. I respond a lot better to just the quotes themselves than when they are superimposed across those impossibly defined abs and round butts.
Maybe the key to unlocking why I have never been successful at living a healthy lifestyle is to explore more of my psychological hangups with exercise. In the above example for instance, when I see that I first feel shame that my body doesn't look like that, then doubt that it ever could, and then I feel something that reminds me of how it was to be in school, always on the outside looking in at the "popular girls" with their perfect hair, teeth, and skin. Looking at people who are incredibly in shape makes me feel like they must be shallow people, for the most important thing in their lives to be the appearance of their bodies. I don't think I want to turn into that. Sure exercise is great for your health but that reason, that appeals to my logic, never seems to win out against my crazy cravings. And the one that appeals to my emotions - teasing me with pictures of how I "could" look, just makes me feel ashamed of how I look now, and derision against people who do look that way. And yet I can't deny that if I DID look like that, I would love it.
I have always been afraid that if I had been born beautiful, I would turn into someone who is cruel and uses her beauty against others. And I have also felt for a long time that when I DO try to make myself beautiful, I fail hard at it. I don't know the right techniques for makeup and hair, and I seriously doubt I could ever have abs like that, down in the back of my mind.
If I am going to beat this thing once and for all, it's going to take some serious psychological mining to figure out where all these ideas came from and how keeping them around has protected me in the past, and how I have changed since I formed them that I may not need to hold onto them now.
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