Tuesday, August 12, 2014
I understand now that it is not that "no one wants me", it is that I do not want me. it took me six months to realize that all the feedback I received was correct and I could have saved myself some agony had I "run" to begin with. After a while one gets tired of being a jackass. I realize that I look for love from people who are not in condition to give it. Yes, indeed, I am desparate. I have deep seated roots of rejection in my life because my alcholoic parents left me in the street to fend for myself when I was just four. My brothers stole and brought me sugary donuts to eat. But we survived and in spite of the Dickinsonian beginning to my life, I am still alive and flourishing. I know I have God's love and truthfully what could be greater than that. I am so sad because I had to sensibly get away from yet another abusive relationship even though it was mental and emotional abuse. I owe it to myself to be more careful who I love but we all know that the heart wants what the heart wants. My emotional eating has gotten me nowhere and yes, I more than likely need professional help. But from whence cometh my strength, "My strength cometh from the Lord". I like the expression that I read lately that says we never really lose, we just learn lessons. I suppose the lesson to be learned here is that I must love myself too much to put up with any kind of abuse. It is time to stand up for myself.