Monday, December 19, 2011
A Nun Grading Papers
Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure? (I know I couldn't do it!)
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test.
Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have NOT been RETOUCHED or CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING has been left in.
1. In the first book of the Bible, GUINESSIS, God got tired of creating the world so He TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. Adam and Eve WERE CREATED from AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S wife was JOAN OF ARK. NOAH built an ark and the animals CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOT'S wife WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN who let himself be led astray by A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON slayed the PHILISTINES with THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the DESSERT. Afterwards, Moses went up to MOUNT CYANIDE to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The First Commandment was WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. The Seventh Commandment is THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. Moses died before he ever reached CANADA. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. The greatest MIRICLE in the Bible is when Joshua TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the LIAR. He fought the FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. When Mary heard she was the Mother of Jesus, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. When the THREE WISE GUYS from the EAST SIDE arrived they found JESUS in the MANAGER.
17. Jesus was born because MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. St. John, THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. He also explained A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. It was a MIRICLE when Jesus rose from the dead AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 DECIBELS.
22. The EPISTELS were the WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. One of the OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, who was ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. St. Paul CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. He preached HOLY ACRIMONY which is ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. Christians have only one spouse. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Monday, December 19, 2011
The "W" in Christmas
Each December, I vow to make Christmas a calm and peaceful experience.
I cut back on nonessential obligations–extensive card writing, endless baking, decorating, and even overspending.
Yet still, I found myself exhausted, unable to appreciate the precious family moments, and of course, the true meaning of Christmas.
My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year. It was an exciting season for a six year old. For weeks, he'd been memorizing songs for his school's "Winter Pageant."
I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd be working the night of the production. Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I spoke with his teacher. She assured me there'd be a dress rehearsal the morning of the presentation. All parents unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then.
Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise.
So, the morning of the dress rehearsal, I filed in ten minutes early, found a spot on the cafeteria floor and sat down. Around the room, I saw several other parents quietly scampering to their seats.
As I waited, the students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher, sat cross-legged on the floor. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song.
Because the public school system had long stopped referring to the holiday as "Christmas," I didn't expect anything other than fun, commercial entertainment songs of reindeer, Santa Claus, snowflakes and good cheer.
So, when my son's class rose to sing, "Christmas Love," I was slightly taken aback by its bold title.
Nicholas was aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy mittens, red sweaters, and bright snowcaps upon their heads.
Those in the front row–center stage–held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song.
As the class would sing "C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."
The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M" upside down–totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W".
The audience of 1st through 6th graders snickered at this little one's mistake. But she had no idea they were laughing at her, so she stood tall, proudly holding her "W".
Although many teachers tried to shush the children, the laughter continued until the last letter was raised, and we all saw it together.
A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen.
In that instant, we understood the reason we were there, why we celebrated the holiday in the first place, why even in the chaos, there was a purpose for our festivities.
For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:
"C H R I S T W A S L O V E"
And, I believe, He still is.
Amazed in His presence...humbled by His love.
HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS SEASON!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Calories: 1,200-1,550 1,316
Total Fat: 32-56 45
Monounsat. Fat: 0-60 11
Polyunsat. Fat: 0-60 14
Sat. Fat: 0-12 13 close enough, but watch it
Trans Fats: 0-0 0
Carbs: 163-236 160 close enough
Protein: 60-127 75
Sodium: 500-2,000 2,580 better than yesterday, but still too high
Cholesterol: 0-200 168
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Calories: 1,200-1,550 1,233 + 1,048 + 1,296 + 1,277 = 4,854 / 4 = 1,213.5
Total Fat: 32-56 43 + 55 + 49 + 46 = 193 / 4 = 48.25
Monounsat. Fat: 0-60 17 + 27 + 18 + 15 = 77 / 4 = 19.25
Polyunsat. Fat: 0-60 8 + 13 + 9 + 15 = 45 / 4 = 11.25
Sat. Fat: 0-12 9 + 9 + 13 + 11 = 42 / 4 = 10.5
Trans Fats: 0-0 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 = 0 / 4 = 0
Cholesterol: 0-200 47 + 1 + 57 + 199 = 304 / 4 = 76
Carbs: 163-236 151 + 122 + 181 + 152 = 606 / 4 = 151.5 a little low
Protein: 60-127 51 + 39 + 54 + 72 = 216 / 4 = 54 a little low
Sodium: 500-2,000 2,485 + 851 + 1,352 + 2,845 = 7,533 / 4 = 1,883.25
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