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Many changes in my life

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

So I haven't updated by blogs at all, but I will try my best to blog at least twice a week. So much has happened and I haven't documented anything, but all and all I have done alright. However, I weighed myself today and saw I was at 165 lbs. That's scary! I was at 155 not too long ago, so that means I need to get back on it and lose my final weight. At this point in time, I would be happy to be around 140, and my ultimate goal weight is 126 lbs.

I now have a boyfriend, who I met sometime after leaving my ex husband. His name is Mathew and he really is a great guy, I care about him a lot. He makes me smile, we have mutual friends, and next month we're going to El Salvador. I have been really happy, but with that comes overeating, of course. So it's time to watch what I eat. Here is a picture of us, of course, out to eat :) :



I now work at a law firm, so unlike working at the pharmacy, I now have time to track everything and I have a set schedule, so I really have no excuse but to track all my food. Overall I've enjoyed being home and spending time with my family. Even though I left Andrew, I feel that it was the best decision for me. Thankfully we don't hate each other and ended everything amicably, that's all I could really ask for.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well, but I'm keeping this short today. :) I'll try my best to post updates more frequently from now on!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REALITYCHECK86 6/26/2014 4:11AM

    Hey, good to hear from you! It does sound like a lot has happened. I had no idea you were having relationship problems let alone a divorce! I'm glad everything ended ok though, I've seen too many end in a disastrous mess. You look beautiful in that picture! I'm glad to see you've found someone who makes you happy! I look forward to seeing more of your posts. I am back from being away for a while myself after having my baby 6 months ago! Good luck!
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CONFUSEDBIRD 6/25/2014 8:32AM

    Wow life made a 180! Happy to hear your doing well!

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I have changed

Monday, March 10, 2014

So today I weighed myself and I finally broke my -50 lbs plateau. I'm now at 165.8 and yes, it took a LONG time!! But I made it! I now only have 40 lbs to lose, with 20 of them simply being vanity weight. Although I am not on SP as often as I used to, I still check by and always try to see how everyone is doing. Without SP I couldn't have done it, I'll be honest. Whenever I felt like I couldn't continue, I always went to Confusedbird's page and saw her progress. And I knew, one day, I would be where she is. And I'm right around the corner! All it takes is for me to push just a little more. She really is an inspiration for me among many others.

I am now living in Miami. I moved on January 7th. I left my husband, but on good terms. I realized that I'm not the same person who I used to be, and as much as I love him, our goals were no longer in sync. I want to eventually learn to run past a 5k to a half marathon. I want to climb mountains, kayak on rivers, I want to see the world. I want to be out and about. My husband, while a great man, simply does not have similar aspirations, and I long to share those things with someone I love as well. We are still friends and we get along well enough, but I finally decided that I also needed to look ahead and see what was best for me too. I was not happy in WV. I'm happy here. So I hope I can make it, and he knows I will always be there for him if he needs me. I'm just different now. Maybe it's because of how young I am, who knows, but I needed a change--- I, have changed.

Aside from that everything is going well. I'm trying some new now to speed up my weightloss. Since being vegan, it is hard to count calories-- to be honest. You eat a lot of whole foods, nothing packaged, and weighing and measuring is a pain. So I decided it was best for me to go grain free, at least temporarily until I reach goal. I will still get a healthy dose of carbs from fruits, greens, and legumes, but at least I won't be trying overeat those yummy carbs I love.

I hope this works out. In July I have a trip coming up and I want to make sure I look sharp for it. :) I'll let you guys know how I feel!

Thanks you all, have a good one!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DISNEY4537 3/10/2014 10:31AM

    Awesome! Keep up the amazing work! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Time to count my calories.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Hey guys. Decided to come back on Sparkpeople! I would come on here and say what a failure I've been, but to be honest, when it comes to weight loss I have been doing great. I've maintained within 173-177 for over 6 months. Not on purpose, but because I haven't been counting. So while I have not lost any weight, I haven't gained any weight really, either. That's pretty damn good, and I'm certain that once I do lose my 50 lbs, I will be able to maintain no problem, since that's what I've been doing for over 6 months. Yeah it sucks not being at my goal weight for the holidays, but I know that if anything, it's good for my body to adjust to such a huge change in weight from the past couple of years. I've lost really slowly, but I've lost and not gained, and that's what matters most.

I think I might cut back on exercise, and focus more on my eating. I know I can exercise, but it makes it harder to balance how much I should eat. I might just walk my dog 3 times a week, and once I reach goal I'll focus more exercise because at that point exercise will be more to maintain more than anything. I can definitely do this, I just need to push myself.


I hope all of you are doing great! I did write about my tortoise the last time, so I'll let you guys know Morgan is doing great! He's already been to 4 states in his short life! He has a facebook page, so if you guys are curious to watch him grow, it's https://www.facebook.com/MorgantheTo
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Hope all of you are doing well!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2ABBYNORMAL 1/2/2014 8:47PM

    Congratulations on maintaining your weight loss.
Happy to have you back.
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MS_SWEETHEART 12/29/2013 10:05AM

    emoticon on your maintenance and good luck on reaching all of your goals!

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RUNNERRACHEL 12/28/2013 9:52PM

    Keep up the great work! You've been able to maintain your loss and will continue to set and reach your goals emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Ouch, fell off the bandwagon.

Monday, October 07, 2013

On September 1st we moved into a house. It has been pretty hectic, but at the same time not at all. Ever feel like you complicate your own life by thinking it's complicated? I haven't worked since August, and it's starting to become a drag on me. I miss working, but I knew I couldn't continue working somewhere like where I was. I just needed to get away and give my mind a BREAK, but honestly I've given myself too much of a break. Now is really around the time that I need to get my act together, and it starts with caring for myself.

So I reached my 5k mark, and like many, I just stopped. I hate when I do that to myself, so today I'm going to start eating within my calorie ranges again, and go for my run that I used to do 3 times a week. So many negative things happen when I let myself spiral outside of my goals. I go to bed way too late, I wake up way too late, I feel pudgy, gained weight (4 lbs+), my face feels puffy and swollen, and I my acne came back in full force. I haven't even bothered to put my contacts in to show my eyes-- I've been hiding behind my glasses. All these things make me feel icky. So if any of you reading this feel like giving up, this is what you look forward to. And it's only been about 1 - 2 months of not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.


I have relished in my accomplishments for too long, and I really need to start looking at that next chapter and working towards the next 25 lbs. I remember when I lost my first 10 - 20 lbs-- and I felt like I haven't lost anything. Like "It's only 10 - 20 lbs... who cares." Now I relish for the next 10, and the 10 after. I'm in my 170s, and it has been as difficult for me to break through, since I felt comfortable in my skin for a bit. But now I don't. I feel pretty gross to be honest with you. But I know I will feel so great once I get to 150s, and I need to keep that goal in mind.




When it comes to school and everything, I graduated. I'm applying to schools for an MA, MS, or PhD in IO Psychology. I'm shooting for some PhDs, but honestly I would be extremely content earning my MS for right now, working for a few years, and then earning my PhD if I feel it's a good move for me. I'm pretty stressed about the whole thing... I need letters of recommendation, I'm worried I won't do well on the GRE (need to get to studying) and overall just stressed about what's to come.


My biggest fear is living alone. Wherever I go, I know I won't be within distance of my husband. But I feel I never had a chance to grow alone, and neither has he-- so it would be a good experience for us I hope. If it isn't, well, it wasn't meant to be anyway. So I hope I can work through it. All I know is that this is the right decision for me, and I have to sometimes take my needs into account too. Fortunately my husband understands, but it's not going to be easy.


Anyway, enough chatting. I'm absolutely starving! Time to go munch on food. See you all!


Oh and PS: I have a tortoise now! Will definitely post pictures of my lil' guy once I have a chance. His name is Morgan. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CONFUSEDBIRD 10/10/2013 8:33AM

    What kind of tortoise did you get?? I currently have three and two turtles. I feel like I shop for them as much as I shop for me. You are back and that's what matters, focus your time off on yourself since you have it available. You have a dog right? Go on long walks. Recently when I was unemployed i was able to get to the lowest weight i had in yrs all thanks to 45 to 1 hr walks with the dogs everyday. Sometimes it's the little things u can do consistently that really make the difference.

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2ABBYNORMAL 10/7/2013 11:45PM

    Glad you're back and working through things.
I'm also looking forward to the tortoise pictures.
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LOTUSBURGER 10/7/2013 4:06PM

    Awww, I have a big tortoise! Can't wait to see pics!!
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ASHESS85 10/7/2013 1:22PM

    Glad you're back! Sometimes life kicks us in the a** but you just gotta pick up and be strong! I know you have a lot of worries but I know if you work hard and focus on the positives you will achieve anything you want! emoticon

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DEEGANA 10/7/2013 1:11PM

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Perspective and losing 55+ lbs (with pictures)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Being under 170 lbs is great, I'm not going to say that I'm not proud of my accomplishment. I always said I was going to do it, but getting to this point a couple years ago felt like a nearly impossible task. Starting out at 226 lbs, I remember how it felt being that size. I remember being looked at differently. It is insane that 57 lbs could be the difference between a stranger giving you a blank stare and not listening to what you have to say, and that same person giving you a smile and at times even flirting with you.

People keep telling me "Wow you're looking great!" with such a huge smile. I've head this several times in many different ways. I still don't know how to respond. I tell them "thank you" but I find it hard to believe them that I'm in this position. I have lost 57 lbs to date, and still have a little than halfway to go, yet here I am looking at myself in the mirror and I see myself as that person who was 226 pounds. My face still looks puffy to me, my boobies are squishy and prune-y, my thighs are still huge, my stomach has stretchmarks as if I've had a child even if I haven't... Yet to people I look great.

I look at these pictures and I *see* a difference:





Me at the beginning of my journey.


A picture of me a couple months ago.





These last four were all roughly taken within the last month.


Yet the image I have of myself hasn't changed. Many people tell you "I wish I could lose like you have! I would be ecstatic!" but really, it's not what you think it will be. Some things change when you lose weight, and some things stay the same. And not all is for the better. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone who has gone through this journey, but this has been the case in my life. Three things I have observed since losing 57 lbs are the following:


1) You start to doubt if people are being sincere. People who never gave you a second look in the past start giving you a good look and even a smile now. I feel hurt because me being a funny and good conversationalist was not good enough for these people before. New people you meet will be just as nice, but you feel like if they were in your life before you lost weight, you might feel different about them. There is this doubt when you lose weight. That question "Would they have liked me/loved me if I was still XXX lbs?" This question can consume you if you let it. Unfortunately for me, it did.


2) People start looking at you to fail. I know this sounds terrible, but it's true. Some people cannot stand that you've done this well for yourself and will resent you for it. Obviously it's not the majority of the population, but some people can't help but self project their problems onto you. I know a few that love asking me how much I weigh now if it seems like I have not lost anything in a couple months. I don't understand why people are like this, but it happens. It is a part of losing weight, and it's not really something people think might happen to them because the people*they* know are different. It does.


3) No matter what size you are, you will see things you don't like whether you are obese, overweight, or at a healthy weight. You will better yourself, while at the same time finding things you used to not mind about yourself and being bothered by them. I have never thought I had an ugly nose until recently. Why? Because we all have the wrong image of what beauty is based on what the media and society says. No matter how much I know this, even taking classes at Uni focusing on this very subject, I still see myself fall into the same trap. I just want to give you a heads up that regardless of your weight, you will find something that will make you unhappy about yourself if you let it.




I guess the whole point of this is to remind you that there will be issues no matter what size you are. I keep losing with the hope that other issues will be fixed, but they won't be without my own active effort to fix them. I want to be more of an outdoors person, but I can't be if I feel more comfortable at home. I want to meet new people, but I won't if I keep finding reasons to not hang out with them. The numbers on the scale will change your life, but not in the way you might expect it to.



While I had to learn this the hard way, I hope others keep this in mind while they continue on their journey. I felt like while I was working and bettering my body, I have not bettered my mind and my personality to go along with my body. I'm still fairly cynical and I sometimes can't help to see the glass as half empty. It's something that needs to be worked on individually. Sounds cliche, but there is a reason for it: Happiness really is found from within, whether you find happiness through music, spirituality, nature, sports, family, et cetera. In the end the only reason you find happiness in exterior factors of life is because first you found it inside of yourself. The same goes for self-esteem and body image.

Yes, I encourage all of you to work hard and reach your physical goals. But do remember to look in the mirror and smile at yourself-- and start working on the mental aspects of your journey as much as your physical journey today. Because I promise you that simply through weight loss, these mental perspectives will not be handed to you on a silver platter. It takes as much work, and sometimes even more work than you may realize. Through focusing on the mental aspect as much as your physical one (counting calories and finding the willpower to not eat that brownie is not the only aspect of your mental journey), you'll find much more joy from your physical goals being reached than you ever thought possible. I only wish I knew this sooner.





  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2ABBYNORMAL 8/31/2013 3:53PM

    Congratulations on your hard work at loosing your weight.
You must be very proud of yourself at your accomplishment as I'm proud of you.
People are cruel, jealous, mean-spirited and sometimes even evil. They will do anything to get you to feeling inferior to go back to your old ways to prove to themselves that they are right.
Avoid these negative people totally.
Your blog puts it right out there. Yes, I know many people like that.
The people who now notice you and even smile I would ask them, "Do I know you?" Put them in their place. Too many people are so judgmental as you clearly say.
I'm happy for you and keep up on the positive thinking.
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HONEYBADGERRUNS 8/21/2013 2:12PM

    WOW WOW WOW GREAT JOB!

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RUNNERRACHEL 8/19/2013 10:04PM

    I can relate to many things: the physical does change faster than the mental and it's tough for our eyes and minds to catch up to the changes that happen physically.

You are recognizing this and are on your way to making the necessary adjustments.

I applaud you on your hard work and I know that you'll be able to work on the other aspects as well as the physical. It takes getting used to how you've changed and you'll get there.

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SESTERBY 8/19/2013 9:29PM

    Amazing!! You are doing awesome!! emoticon

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CONFUSEDBIRD 8/19/2013 2:39PM

    Congrats you are doing so wonderful!!! People will ask such stupid questions! There is Chinese restaurant in my hometown and the first time I lost weight the owner asked me "Wow you lost so much weight, how much do u weight?". How is that anyones business? Why don't I ask you how much you make for a living? Just as personal. I had issues with getting attention I wont have had before. It's amazing how crappy heavy women get treated and then astonished when ppl start acting nicer. It's almost like society is mean to them just to teach them a lesson. There is a lot of emotional changes that you will go thru as you keep going. Sometimes the emotional changes are just as hard as dropping the weight.

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KNYAGENYA 8/19/2013 1:20PM

    emoticon

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RACHCOX 8/18/2013 9:23PM

    emoticon emoticon You hit the nail on the head. I have only lost 35 pounds but I can not really see it. People mention it from time to time but I am never sure if it is because they know I am trying to lose or if it is really noticable.
The mirror, your friends.....family even the scale will lie to you. We need to find what feels right and healthy.
You have it figured out. I know remembering it is harder than knowing it but hang in there and soon you will find a new normal.

Comment edited on: 8/18/2013 9:23:42 PM

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EVIE4NOW 8/18/2013 9:21PM

  Great blog and food for thought. Thank you.

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