Thursday, October 31, 2013
A cousin of mine died suddenly earlier this week. He was in his mid 60s and had a wife and a young adult son. We didn't see this cousin often, but we used to spend time at the beach each summer awhile back. He was a mild mannered, laid back, sweet man who loved the outdoors and music. He actually could have been Jerry Garcia's double.
My husband, who isn't the most social guy, always enjoyed this cousin's company and I enjoyed him enjoying someone.
There was no reason to believe that this was going to be 'his time'. He passed away watching TV in his living room. His wife found him in the morning. So, so sad.
Tomorrow they are having a life celebration for him, not a traditional funeral. That definitely suits this family, and while I'm sure it will be a beautiful way to honor and remember him, I don't know what to expect. I'm looking forward to seeing family I don't see regularly at all and sharing memories about sweet times with this cousin and each other.
I guess we never really know how much time we have on this planet.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
It's about 4:15pm here, and this is a challenging time of day for me, especially when I'm trying to get back to 'success' after a few not so clean days. I'm being very mindful and keeping my long term goals of getting to a healthier place and getting to a place where I feel good about how I look and feel.
Standing strong! :)
Monday, October 28, 2013
No excuses, just a confession. I messed up royally with my food choices.
Cookies, chocolate and stuff I haven't eaten or craved eating in awhile.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry because it takes me farther from my goals. I'm sorry because it doesn't make me feel good. I'm sorry because even with all the checks and balances in place, I flub up.
I lose site of my goals. I think I'm also aware of the large amount of ice cream left in the freezer from my son's 9 year old birthday party this past weekend, and I know I can't go there. I just can't do that to my system and that I remember how awful I feel after eating it. So, it's almost like I'm 'eating around it', meaning I'm eating other things that are 'treats' and not better than the ice cream cake but at least it's not the ice cream cake. I need to figure out what to do with that thing today so that it's not speaking to me all day.
I didn't go to this place of eating last week when life was so intense and stressful regarding my son last week, so I can't even really blame this on intense stress. I was unhappy today because of some life situations , but that shouldn't make me eat anymore.
I like my new habits. My new habits make me feel better.
I want to reduce, minimize, completely eliminate falling back into bad habits. I am doing very well during the week, so I have to figure out how to continue those good habits over the weekend with someone feeling like I'm allowing myself some leeway so that I can 'be human'. I haven't been able to figure out how to just have some leeway wo totally tipping the balance...or the scale.
Pouring my heart and soul out again...embarrassing, yes. But I guess to some degree, that's the point.
NoS wise, I'm still 'on track' and didn't 'break any rules' because it was an S day, but it wasn't an S day that I was proud of.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
A few rough days...
I have 3 boys and my middle guy has some pretty severe anxiety issues. We are working with him a few different ways, but this past week, mostly due to a school project due tomorrow, he's been off the hook with how many episodes he's had. I feel for him, but it's absolutely draining for me and I'm the main and really the only person dealing with him directly on this. He is seeing a therapist, and his dad/my husband does care and is concerned, but he can't help or manage the situation. And many times, his approach, because his expectations are 'off' can make things worse in the moment and more challenging for me to reel my son back in to get back to some type of rational, productive thinking and behavior.
I'm totally drained. I've literally gotten sick over this past week just getting so run down by the exhaustion of dealing with his highs and mainly his lows. I really do feel for him, but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope in some ways.
The school is responsive to a point, the next big step is to have a teacher team meeting. He won't qualify for an individual education plan (IEP) because academically and grade wise he has As and Bs. Somehow he's able to function well enough in class and is smart enough to absorb the information, but then he melts down and 'loses it' when he gets home because he's held it in for so long during the day. He wants to 'do better', but just isn't there yet. The book The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Green describes my situation with him quite well.
Anyway, it's hard for me to share all the intensity of what's going on in my house with friends because it's just so intense and I feel like everyone has their issues with someone or something in their own families or lives. Everyone is just super busy it seems. So, I figured I'd share here.
I will try looking for a support group of other families dealing with similar scenarios.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
I know people have a wide range of feelings about using the number on the scale as a tool to determine progress or lack of progress with weight loss.
Some like to focus more on waist measurements, clothing fit, self esteem, mood and other factors. Those are great measures that I use too, and I go back and forth on using the scale.
However, recently, I've been focused very heavily on scale numbers and I'll share why and what I'm finding as a result.
I started, actually a long time ago, working with a psychologist on my body image issues, weight loss and general self esteem when it comes to these issues. I made progress here and there, but after this fall's major downward spiral which included a 10+ pound gain in the span of about 2 weeks, we decided to 'tighten the screws'.
Part of the tightening included reporting my weight first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Pretty extreme, right? I mean, I hate getting on the scale, and now I was weighing myself *twice* a day and also getting on a scale once a week in front of my Dr. It's embarrassing, scary, uncomfortable etc.. Or, at least it was at first. It's been an interesting experiment for a few reasons which I'd like to share with you.
When you're this in tune with your weight, you can, or at least in my case, I can see how much is too much, and how much is 'just right' to lose weight.
When I log and stick to my three meal NoS plan and my calories come in around 1100, I am usually about 2 pounds less than I was the night before, meaning that over the course of a day, my weight goes up 2 lbs and the next morning I'm back down 2 and then a little more. When I add even just a little bit to that, I gain more from morning to night, and lose about the same the next morning, but it's higher than it was the day before. Does that make sense?
So, while I've been 'successful' during the week, keeping to 3 meals and a reasonable calorie intake, yesterday, just yesterday I gave myself a little 'leeway' and ate more than I usually do. This extra (a binge if you will) included a few handfuls of chips, two bowls of cereal and milk, 2 snack pak puddings and a fig bar. So, in addition to then having GI issues, joint issues and generally feeling awful within a 1/2 hour, by the time I weighed myself at night, I had gained 6 pounds instead of my average 2. How crazy is that? By the morning, I was down 4 pounds, but still 2 up from the morning before.
So, how is this helpful and not just obsessive insanity?
1. The more I weigh myself, the less afraid I am of the scale or the number. It's just like any fear. The more you engage with whatever it is you fear, the less power it ends up having over you.
2. The scale is only 'scary' and frustrating when the numbers stay where they are or go up. It's a "fun" tool when the numbers go down. So, if you can figure out how to get the scale to 'go down' (really at the end of the day by exerting more calories than the amount you take in...barring any other medical issues), then it becomes useful.
3. By weighing, you gain knowledge and data about yourself. The more you know and understand about how your body responds, the better, right? If you don't like what you're seeing, then you'll know it's time to change course, or change something.
Do I plan to weigh myself so frequently forever. No. Absolutely not. I'm using it as a tool now to keep very close tabs on myself. Hopefully, once I get to a weight, size, fitness level that I'm satisfied with, I'll maintain and ease up on the scale. It won't matter as much. At least that's my hope. The one thing I begin to keep tabs on though is when will I be satisfied? Will I get to a place of satisfaction or will I always be pushing for what I consider to be 'better or more'? That's one of the reasons it's important for me to continue this work with a professional.
I'm very curious as to what your thoughts are on this. Agree or disagree, I'd really like to know. What has your experience been? Do you weigh or not? Do you have the same fears as I do? Or have in the past? Does it make you feel horrible to get on the scale? What if the numbers were going down regularly? Would that make a difference?
As an aside, in my 'real world' as opposed to SP world, I think most people I know, friends, family (not close family) and co-workers, would be shocked to know I have these issues. I guess I'm just mentioning this because it's not always obvious who has weight issues or body issues.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts and opinions on this. Also, I'm happy and open to answer any questions you may have about the work I'm doing with this therapist or my history. We all learn from each other, right?
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