Friday, January 18, 2013
I've hit my first motivation wall. It started last night and I haven't quite shaken it yet. I knew this would come, though. My mood fluctuations are almost predictable now, and the HIGH usually lasts anywhere from a day to a month, usually fizzling out after 2-3 weeks max. The problem is that the LOW usually creeps up and can last six months or more (2 months on average)
Why am I posting this? Preventative measure! If I drop off spark I am hoping that someone will call me out on it!
I'm fairly whiney at this point. Read at your own risk...
Yesterday was a normal enough. A lot of tiny frustrations/obstacles just kind of added up:
My son has gone on chore strike all week. I know it's because of the school change. They used to ride the bus and get home an hour before me, so they had an hour to play. Now they go to an after school program at their new school, so they come home and it's time for chores, homework, dinner, etc...
My daughter cut her hair again. Not nearly as bad as she did once before (I need to remember to share THOSE pictures one day!!!) but it's the straw that broke the camels back for her. She wants to grow it out long, but doesn't brush it, fights me when I brush it, pulls out her ponytail holders and headbands once she gets to school. Now with cutting it, she has lost the privilege to wear it how she wants and we will be getting hair cuts tomorrow.
I was planning to make a clean eating pizza but in a moment of forgetfulness, I didn't prep the dough on my lunch break (it needed to rise for 4 hours) . Trying to stay somewhat on track, I went to buy some dough from the store instead of just ordering pizza. It wasn't as healthy as I would have liked and left me feeling sluggish and kind of gross.
I used the sluggishness as an excuse to not workout, which just increased the slothful feelings!
I bought Hershey's dark chocolate squares and ate a full serving (210 calories) now, this isn't huge and it fit in my calorie range, but I did it mindlessly and I don't buy those to eat 6 pieces at a time! I buy them because sometimes I just NEED chocolate. 6 squares are 210 calories, which means just one is a little less than 40. And 40 calories is a small "price" to pay for savoring a bit of dark chocolate. I didn't savor though. I sat at the computer and had eaten 6 before I even realized it!
I stayed up WAY too late studying ( and mindlessly snacking) which led to me over sleeping this morning and not getting my workout in. Which leads me to know, at work and grumpy because I didn't run when I know I should have.
None of those things are huge insurmountable issues. I know that. But once the down slide starts its hard to pull myself out if it.
(Mindless whining done)
I'm trying to formulate a plan to put an end to this ad quick as possible. After all, one of my goals this year is to be more optimistic!
(You have to be able to laugh at yourself, right?)
(1) talking to my psychiatrist to adjust my mood stabilizer (yay for using one of my bosses to manage my meds, makes this super easy to do!)
(2) working on a schedule for next week so I can sleep better
(3) sharing my baggage here so that I don't retreat into myself
(4) pulling out the visual motivators that I made when I started spark people so that I can remember what my goals are!
(5) drinking my water! Not meeting one goal is no excuse to slack off in all areas!
(6) meal planning so I don't repeat my dinner fiasco!
Monday, January 14, 2013
This is my daughter. She's seven (eight in April). Gifted, funny, quirky, and stubborn as the day is long. She has a knack for words, a love of dogs, and a fascination with 80's chick rock.
She started second grade in the fall and loved it. She had a teacher who knew how to work with her ADHD and bring out the best in her- while challenging her academically. After two years of struggling every day with school, it was fantastic to see her smiling every single day.
Tomorrow- she is officially leaving that school and entering a new environment mid year. It goes against everything an ADHD child needs, we're disrupting her routine, and pulling her out of a classroom that works. I'm very unsure about this move. But, big picture, it's the best choice.
Because this is what my smiling, sassy daughter looked like on the last day before Christmas break...
Some little seven-year-old punk on the bus grabbed her neck and smashed her face into a wall on the bus. Why?
Because her teacher gave her "special" treatment with advanced work.
Because she doesn't respond to social cues the way people expect her to.
I hate this.
I am extremely anxious about tomorrow. Safety, of course, is the number one priority when it comes to my kids. It just kills me that I have to pull her away from an academic environment where she is finally thriving.
My hope for my daughter is that she will take this new challenge and come out stronger because of it. My wish is that she wouldn't have to.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
This upcoming week promises to be a busy one for us. The kids are returning to school (finally!) and my online classes begin as well. I'm taking a full course load (15 hours), working full time, and continuing to play single mom each week while my husband is away, so it's easy for me to get overwhelmed and throw in the towel.
I'm trying to do a little pre-planning for the week, though. I made out our weekly meal plan and went shopping this afternoon. Right now I am waiting on some of our meals to finish baking so I can store them and go to bed. I baked blueberry muffins for the kids ( Sparkpeople recipes!) and I am currently baking a Lime cheesecake ( Double for Clean Eating magazine!!!)
I washed and prepped all the veggies for my green smoothies and my lunch time pita (pita, hummus, spinach, tomato, and cucumber) so I'm feeling on top of things right now!
Hopefully I can keep my optimism high and drag myself out of bed early enough to work out each morning, so I will have evenings free for school work!
Friday, January 11, 2013
"You are more likely to act yourself into feelings than feel yourself into action" -Jerome Bruner
As long as I can remember, I have struggled with depression, anxiety, doubt, and a general feeling of disconnect from the world around me. It comes and goes. Sometimes there are prolonged periods of depression and at other times I feel like I can take on the world- making plans with a somewhat manic grandiosity.
One thing, though, is always constant. When I am active, I simply FEEL better. Sometimes a walk will calm my mind long enough for me to push anxious thoughts aside and be able to finally get some sleep. Sometimes a brisk run, or a new workout will improve my mood and make me feel invincible. Whatever form it takes, it always helps.
I've been thinking about that connection this month. I have noticed that I'm much more optimistic on the days that I begin with a workout, and I am much less stressed the days I turn to exercise when my anxiety kicks in. What I need, I suppose- is a flashing neon sign that follows me around and reminds me of this! !
I have to keep the connection between my physical fitness and emotional well being first in my mind, which isn't always easy to do. I am hoping that, when the next downward spiral begins, I will be able to turn to spark people and my treadmill to ward it off!
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