Tuesday, February 19, 2013
As a child we could imagine ourselves as becoming anything in the world, a ballerina, an astronaut, a marine biologist…. (I wanted to swim with dolphins!). We never doubted we had it in us to become these things. We saw life through the eyes of our parents and teachers who said we could do anything and be anything… we were perfect just the way we were. Then as we grew older we start to realize maybe they were wrong. We received a bad grade in a class, the boy or girl we liked didn’t know we existed, a cruel teacher for some reason didn’t like us, the first love of our life dropped us like we meant nothing, we didn’t get that dream job that we just knew was made for us. As we learned these life lessons we started to think, maybe we aren’t as perfect as we thought, maybe we aren’t really good at anything… and self-doubt is born and forever present in our day-to-day life.
Everyone learns to deal with self-doubt in their own way but no one, I mean no one is immune to it. We really are our worse critics and for some this voice is louder than others, I am one of those people. I’ve learned that if I don’t quell this voice fast it can become quite ugly and no one is as mean to me as I am. In fact my husband has gotten mad at me many times for this behavior. In his eyes I am the perfect woman but in mine I see so many things I wish I had done differently or I wish I could change. But with self-doubt comes self-confidence and this is the voice I am trying to train to be louder. Even when I am feeling not so confident I will push myself to show confidence. It isn’t an easy transformation and as I progress I realize just how lacking in confidence I really am.
My husband is an incredibly wonderful man and has helped me to start to see myself in a different light. When I start berating myself he gets mad and tells me I’m wrong and boosts me up. One of the things that really resonated with me is that I can not think of a single instance where I couldn’t handle something. I have been strong enough to get through anything, and never have I had to throw in the towel. Every time life has handed me a problem I was able to solve it and each time it has made me stronger. One of my favorite quotes “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche …. you can’t get any truer than that! Shouldn’t I be invincible by now!!
I have learned that I need to be patient with myself, I am a work in progress like everyone else and the only thing I will regret in this life is not trying! Plus I am perfect…. well at least as perfect as anyone else is!
My new quest……. Self-actualization!
You can view my personal blog at www.RedhotWritingHood.com
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
So obviously I don't do well with 4 hours sleep, hyped up on Starbucks caffeine and starving, especially driving in Airport Road lunch traffic (where everyone in the entire city goes to eat lunch, hell on earth traffic!) To the gentleman, I was accidentally blocking, who I shot daggers at because I thought your thumbs up meant "wow you dumb a$$" and then tried to roll down your window to say you weren't mad and I was so embarrassed that I glared and pretended to stay offended. I apologize.... it was very nice of you to try and make me feel better. Hopefully I run into you again under better situations. Again Sorry!
Thursday, August 02, 2012
I can only think of a maybe a handful of times that words have really cut me to the core in my life. Where I was struck completely speechless and stunned, as the person verbally assaulting me continued to speak on and on, and I couldn’t even defend myself. It’s this odd feeling of are they really saying what I think they are saying, surely I am imagining it, it almost feels out of body.
I supposed I need a little back story on my life…. I wasn’t sure I was even going to share this with the internet, but when I was 4 years old I was burned badly in a gasoline fire. I had 3rd degree burns on my face, arms, and back and I spent 4 months living in a hospital bed and 8 years having non-stop surgery. It is something I have lived with my entire life and honestly I have never let it slow me down. I wear tank tops and open backed shirts, I try to tell myself everyday that its freaking hot and if someone doesn’t like seeing my scars than that's their problem. I feel that my scars aren’t an issue, I am a beautiful woman (at least that is what people tell me all the time), and I am not afraid to be seen. I have bright red hair for gosh sakes… I don’t mind being noticed.
Now back to ignorant a** holes… I was sitting down having lunch with my co-workers, laughing and having a good time and this guy who works in another studio in my building approached our table to talk to us. He is known throughout the building as a perv… he has some stupid photography package where he teaches girls how to become models, which we are all convinced that’s code for he gets underage girls in slutty outfits and takes pictures of them bending over and showing their butts. As he was in the middle of a shoot a few weeks ago he shouts to me, I am going to take your picture next….my thoughts “yeah sure, I don’t think so”. So back to what happened , when he comes up to our table he points to me and says “I’m serious, I want to take your picture, I know you have, you know, scars and stuff” gesturing to the side of my face, “I was thinking we could use a mask, and sort of go with the Phantom of the Opera theme”………… me and all of my co-workers are just sitting there stunned. Now I really don’t think he truly grasped exactly what he was saying to a person who has had to endure what I have had to endure in my life and I also don’t think his intention was to hurt my feelings, I really just think he is that stupid. He continued on talking but I couldn’t tell you what he said because everything from that moment on was just a humming in my ears. I was shocked at how that made me feel…. I am the first person to defend myself and to defend others and believe me I don’t have a problem stating my mind but I was truly stunned.
I was stuck on what he said and what his intention for saying it were. When he left the only thing I could say to my co-workers was “did he really just compare me to the Phantom of the Opera?”, they were shocked as well and as I was forced at the moment to talk to them all about personal things that I didn’t think I would have to mention in a group work setting, the tears started to flow and I was so angry that that stupid a** hole made me cry. Of course me crying made my co-workers start crying which oddly enough made me feel better. They truly are my friends and they care.
I have had to work so hard…. soooo hard my whole life to have any self-esteem. This isn’t like a scar on your stomach or a scar on your leg. My scars are covering my arms and hands and over my entire face and neck and back. Most I do not have the ability to hide at all unless I wear long sleeves and gloves in Alabama summer heat. I went through elementary to high-school with these scars. Started dating boys and eventually getting married with these scars and building enough confidence in myself that I am desirable and I am sexy and I am beautiful. I was so stunned that this man… this insignificant a** of a man could make me feel so ugly in all of about 5 seconds. I just kept thinking... he thinks you need to wear a mask… I know he’s stupid but it still hurt.
Will I let this affect me?… Well maybe for a day or so.. yes I am still mad! But I will move on and I know he is wrong and I know that even if I wasn’t burned there would be jerks who said something to hurt my feelings. I will push his words aside and know I am the sexy woman I am and screw him. It also feels kind of good that every man I know wants to kick his butt….
But you think you have such confidence but it is amazing how fragile self-esteem and confidence really are.
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