Saturday, August 17, 2013
I've been in a funk for a while and I have been struggling to put together the pieces. But then I had a small "aha" moment:
1. I have been feeling overwhelmed a lot lately. Part of it is my ADHD and will always be something that I need to manage, but this has been more than usual. Between the final push for DH to finish his degree last May (and I to take on more so he could focus on his studies) and child care falling through this summer (not a good thing for the self-employed), I've been pushing myself to stay awake longer to try to accomplish as much as possible.
2. I wake up with a really good attitude. Like, "I am just going to nail it today." Eating in the morning is never a problem. I typically don't have much of an appetite, so I just keep it small. Lunch is usually well-controlled, too. The amount I can do is hit or miss depending on if I have child care and how long the to-do list is (too many things lead to the aforementioned overwhelm, which can lead to analysis paralysis).
3. As I hit the afternoon, it all starts to fall apart. I have more cravings and less ability to resist them. I am feeling exhausted, but I push through because I have "so much to do."
4. I try to stay up later than my husband so I can get some distraction-free time to work. More often than not, I fall asleep at my computer, wake up at some wee hour of the morning, and drag myself to bed for a few more hours of sleep.
Not a good pattern to be in at all.
You may be reading this and thinking, "Really? Of course your lack of sleep is a problem!" And I get how sadly obvious this should be, but when you are in the eye of a storm, you don't necessarily get the full extent of the chaos that is happening around you.
While the sleeplessness is not the entire source of my issues, it certainly is a contributing factor. So one thing that I am going to dedicate myself to for the next couple weeks is to get enough sleep. Going to bed no later than 10:30 pm, and sleeping at least 7 hours.
I know my erratic sleep schedule has probably messed me up, so it might take some time to get used to something normal. But it will be interesting to see what this one thing will do to affect the rest of my efforts.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
I originally was going to try to come up with something thought-provoking or interesting, but since it had been so long since my last post, I thought I would stop delaying myself and just write.
There's not much new to say -- I am still finding myself struggling to get back the spark. It keeps going in fits and spurts.
I was going well for bit, but then a friend very unexpected lost her husband to a heart attack. It was very sad -- they were so full of life and love together. And he was only 55 -- too young. So I went to my hometown for the visitation to support my friend.
The evening before I left, my son was stung twice in the ankle. 12 hours later, his foot and ankle were very swollen, red, and warm to the touch. Went to the doctor's office, got prescriptions, and debated about going. My husband insisted that all would be well and I should go, so I left him copious notes and was on my way.
Needless to say, there was no planning. The whole weekend was on the fly. When I came back, I saw that nearly all of my efforts from the past month had come undone. Well, shoot...
But, I still have the power to make a different choice. I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind. My future success depends on the choices I make today.
Now, to make that my mantra and really act on it.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
I have to say that I am glad that I got back into blogging and that I am working harder to go beyond the surface with my weight-loss journey. In addition to the much-appreciated support, there have also been some comments that have given me reason to pause and consider how they relate to me.
In my last post, both DAUGHTEROFTWIN and HEYITSLISA mentioned worthiness, as in me believing that I am worth the time and effort that it will take to lose weight. In reading their comments, I became emotional; those feelings showed me what a stumbling block this issue is for me.
In a very direct way, this ties to how I have led my life putting everyone and everything before me. If I could help another person, that would make me worth more. Problem is, I could never do enough. Plus, if I were to spend time focusing on me, I would be taking away from helping others, which then makes me feel worth less and guilty!
Cognitively, I know how messed up this is. I used to work at a nonprofit that provided resources for individuals who cared for their loved ones, and we regularly counseled them to take time for themselves so they would avoid “compassion fatigue.” This is a very similar situation here. To be able to serve others to the best of my ability, I need to serve myself, too. It just makes sense. Unfortunately, reason goes out the window when the guilt sets in.
Saying “no” when someone asks for my help is a very difficult thing for me, even if saying “yes” will leave me exhausted. And the message I am reinforcing every time I do this is that the person requesting something of me is worth more than I am, that I don’t deserve to spend time doing things to rejuvenate my body and soul.
This cycle has to stop, not only for me, but for my kids. With the fact that they pick up on everything, I don’t want them internalizing this and making the same mistakes I have. They are worth infinitely more than that. And, yes, so am I.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
I have always been a helper. If my mom, dad, or siblings needed help with anything, I was right there. A friend had a problem? I was just a phone call away. I even worked in nonprofits for 14 years, helping people who were struggling with one issue or another.
But one thing I have been horrible at doing is asking for help. This was never truer than over the past eight months. For one reason or another, I faltered with my weight loss. I got off-track, stopped exercising consistently, started eating on the fly, quit tracking my food.
As the weight crept back on, the negative tapes started blaring and I was very embarrassed at what was happening. "I can't face them," I thought, mortified, "What will they think? I'm such a failure!" It was like a runaway freight train.
Instead of stopping and thinking about how others have been public with their struggles and how SparkFriends have rallied around them to give them support, I pulled inward. I stopped blogging. I lurked, choosing to stay on the fringes rather than using one of the most powerful benefits that SP has to offer -- member support.
For eight months, I let things get far out of hand. Seeing how I had frittered away most of my efforts from last year was a wake-up call for me. I needed to change what I was doing.
Fortunately, this week has gone fairly well, but I still feel that am on the edge. It's not any one thing that I can pinpoint, but rather a little bit of many things that tend to make me feel overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed, I grind to a halt, struggling to process what is happening.
So I am here doing something that is very difficult for me to do -- asking for help. While the changes I am making are about me, this journey is far from something that is done in isolation.
Thank you in advance for your advice, a kind word, or whatever form your help takes. It means more to me than you can know.
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