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RECREATING_ME's Recent Blog Entries


Saturday, August 17, 2013

I've been in a funk for a while and I have been struggling to put together the pieces. But then I had a small "aha" moment:

1. I have been feeling overwhelmed a lot lately. Part of it is my ADHD and will always be something that I need to manage, but this has been more than usual. Between the final push for DH to finish his degree last May (and I to take on more so he could focus on his studies) and child care falling through this summer (not a good thing for the self-employed), I've been pushing myself to stay awake longer to try to accomplish as much as possible.

2. I wake up with a really good attitude. Like, "I am just going to nail it today." Eating in the morning is never a problem. I typically don't have much of an appetite, so I just keep it small. Lunch is usually well-controlled, too. The amount I can do is hit or miss depending on if I have child care and how long the to-do list is (too many things lead to the aforementioned overwhelm, which can lead to analysis paralysis).

3. As I hit the afternoon, it all starts to fall apart. I have more cravings and less ability to resist them. I am feeling exhausted, but I push through because I have "so much to do."

4. I try to stay up later than my husband so I can get some distraction-free time to work. More often than not, I fall asleep at my computer, wake up at some wee hour of the morning, and drag myself to bed for a few more hours of sleep.

Not a good pattern to be in at all.

You may be reading this and thinking, "Really? Of course your lack of sleep is a problem!" And I get how sadly obvious this should be, but when you are in the eye of a storm, you don't necessarily get the full extent of the chaos that is happening around you.

While the sleeplessness is not the entire source of my issues, it certainly is a contributing factor. So one thing that I am going to dedicate myself to for the next couple weeks is to get enough sleep. Going to bed no later than 10:30 pm, and sleeping at least 7 hours.

I know my erratic sleep schedule has probably messed me up, so it might take some time to get used to something normal. But it will be interesting to see what this one thing will do to affect the rest of my efforts.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 8/18/2013 11:49PM

    Sometimes nailing details like sleep make it more feasible to whack those other moles which pop their heads up and are such a wishes, I know you can DO THIS!


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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 8/18/2013 7:36PM

    Sleep REALLY does affect weight loss on many levels. I didn't realize it until I was only getting about 5-6hrs. When I started getting 8hrs, my weight loss picked back up. I hope getting to a normal schedule helps!

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FORBANDE 8/18/2013 11:04AM

    I've been there and go there recently. After my kids go to bed I sit down to "get some work done" and wake up hours later with swollen ankles and a stiff neck. Plus in the evening I cannot get enough to eat. I've come to conclusion that I'm tired. And being tired means my willpower is low plus I'm eating just to keep myself awake. So I'm trying to just go to bed. It's very hard but at the end of the day (or night), I am not making much progress anyway. I might was well let my body heal by sleeping and have some good energy the following day. I also have to remember that I just might always be behind and that's ok. It is my life. :)

Hope you can get more rest as it will do you sooo much good!

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    I didnt realize how little sleep i was getting til i started to track it. I eat alot more when i am stressed and tired. Night time is really hard so i have tea, popsicles and or rice cakes. They come in alot of different flavours

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DAWNSJOURNEY 8/18/2013 7:54AM

    Realizing it is half the battle.. work on slowly changing .. maybe try a relaxing bath or shower.. Routine is always best.. the same one and they say you sleep better if hour before bed no electronics devices .. including TV ..maybe a good book ? just ideas and hope you find some sleep soon.

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_BABE_ 8/18/2013 1:52AM

    I have made the same mistake. Not eating enough in the morning or skipping lunch and then I keep chasing that hunger all night long even though I had a great dinner.

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JOANNHUNT 8/17/2013 10:42PM


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KCHANDLER0 8/17/2013 10:13PM

    I liked your blog! I feel like I don't get enough sleep too. It helps to be well rested in losing weight too. I think that is one of my downfalls. Yes, really try to sleep by 10:30pm. It affects everything. Good luck!

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DIONNE1972 8/17/2013 10:06PM

    Good luck getting back in a good rhythm of sleep and work and life, nothing is worse than having to function on not enough sleep. emoticon

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Life on the Fly

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I originally was going to try to come up with something thought-provoking or interesting, but since it had been so long since my last post, I thought I would stop delaying myself and just write.

There's not much new to say -- I am still finding myself struggling to get back the spark. It keeps going in fits and spurts.

I was going well for bit, but then a friend very unexpected lost her husband to a heart attack. It was very sad -- they were so full of life and love together. And he was only 55 -- too young. So I went to my hometown for the visitation to support my friend.

The evening before I left, my son was stung twice in the ankle. 12 hours later, his foot and ankle were very swollen, red, and warm to the touch. Went to the doctor's office, got prescriptions, and debated about going. My husband insisted that all would be well and I should go, so I left him copious notes and was on my way.

Needless to say, there was no planning. The whole weekend was on the fly. When I came back, I saw that nearly all of my efforts from the past month had come undone. Well, shoot...

But, I still have the power to make a different choice. I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind. My future success depends on the choices I make today.

Now, to make that my mantra and really act on it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_BABE_ 8/15/2013 6:30PM

    For so long I thought if I could control my environment so it would be less stressful I could attack the weight and all would be good. My lesson was that I have control over nothing but myself and that is where I should have started in the first place. emoticon

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    It is so hard to lose weight. You can do it. Just take it one meal at a time. Dont worry about the past worry about now

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KENDRACARROLL 8/15/2013 1:35PM

    I'm so sorry about your friend's husband.
Life just throws us curves, and learning to navigate rough waters takes lots of trial and error. Keeping our head in the game is certainly a challenge. Finding ways to regroup and refocus in these situations is key. The choice you make right now in this moment is the one that counts. emoticon emoticon

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DDOORN 8/15/2013 11:28AM

    Sometimes it just feels like I'm just banging rock against rock, hoping for, but not always finding the SPARK that flies off from my efforts...keep at it and you'll get there! :-)


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HEYITSLISA 8/15/2013 7:56AM

    Unfortunately this journey isn't one straight, smooth ride. A lot of hills and valleys to be traversed. emoticon

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Feelings of Worth

Sunday, July 21, 2013

I have to say that I am glad that I got back into blogging and that I am working harder to go beyond the surface with my weight-loss journey. In addition to the much-appreciated support, there have also been some comments that have given me reason to pause and consider how they relate to me.

In my last post, both DAUGHTEROFTWIN and HEYITSLISA mentioned worthiness, as in me believing that I am worth the time and effort that it will take to lose weight. In reading their comments, I became emotional; those feelings showed me what a stumbling block this issue is for me.

In a very direct way, this ties to how I have led my life putting everyone and everything before me. If I could help another person, that would make me worth more. Problem is, I could never do enough. Plus, if I were to spend time focusing on me, I would be taking away from helping others, which then makes me feel worth less and guilty!

Cognitively, I know how messed up this is. I used to work at a nonprofit that provided resources for individuals who cared for their loved ones, and we regularly counseled them to take time for themselves so they would avoid “compassion fatigue.” This is a very similar situation here. To be able to serve others to the best of my ability, I need to serve myself, too. It just makes sense. Unfortunately, reason goes out the window when the guilt sets in.

Saying “no” when someone asks for my help is a very difficult thing for me, even if saying “yes” will leave me exhausted. And the message I am reinforcing every time I do this is that the person requesting something of me is worth more than I am, that I don’t deserve to spend time doing things to rejuvenate my body and soul.

This cycle has to stop, not only for me, but for my kids. With the fact that they pick up on everything, I don’t want them internalizing this and making the same mistakes I have. They are worth infinitely more than that. And, yes, so am I.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 7/21/2013 9:24PM

    Each of us has SO much more to offer the world and to ourselves than merely to be helpful to others. Finding and celebrating ourselves also serves as a great role model for our children as well.

One foot ahead of the other: you are doing it! :-)


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HEYITSLISA 7/21/2013 5:27PM


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_BABE_ 7/21/2013 3:02PM

    I am always surprised when others let me know I am enough and I don't have to do something for them....but how many times does one need to be told that before they believe it ...I mean really believe it themselves?

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    Alot of us have the same issue ...not feeling worthy. Weightloss is selfish but that is ok. We have to take time to eat well and exercise.It is ok to say no. Real friends will understand the others will disappear or say that being thinner has changed you but it is a good thing. We need to put oourselves first for a change.

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    Very Very Good you are on the right road now baby Like the little blue fish said in Finding Nemo Just keep swimming , just keep swimming , just keep swimming well you get the idea. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Negative Tapes

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last blog post and messaged me! Your support has buoyed me, and you have given much to think about over the past few days.

TIGER_LILY_613 suggested that I blog about some of the things that have been paralyzing me and my efforts to work toward my weight loss goals and my health. She’s definitely right – talking about this and getting feedback is a great way to neutralize the power these issues have had in my life and gain some much-needed outside perspectives. So I am going to blog about one of the issues I have been dealing with over these past several months.

WMAYFIELD talked about negative tapes, and yes, these have been a problem for me. One particular negative tape she mentioned that would surface for me while reading success stories was this: "I should be able to do this on my own.” It would be followed quickly with "If they could do it, why can't I? What a loser I am." Those messages have left me with such feelings of failure that even basic activities toward health have felt insurmountable.

Now the thing is -- those negative tapes are so far from the truth. As if those who have been successful did it on their own? No, they didn't, and they have readily said that they are where they are because of the support they got. But it's oftentimes hard to hear the sure, steady voice of truth when the negative tapes are blaring their messages at top volume.

So I am calling out all of those damaging messages right now. They are counterproductive. They are abusive. They are LIES. And they have no place in my life or anyone else’s.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 7/20/2013 9:55PM

    Time to wipe those old tapes clean and replace them with empowering messages to counter them! That is what my therapist & I have been working on.

SparkMail me if you're interested in hearing more!


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KENDRACARROLL 7/16/2013 10:24PM

    I log into SP every day for my daily dose of motivation. I could not have done this and continue to do this on my own.
Every time you catch yourself thinking a negative thought, stop, and counter it with a positive one.
While, initially, we all come here to lose weight, this journey is so much more. It's about finding balance, it's about learning happiness. Once you get the ball rolling in the right direction, success will follow.

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HEYITSLISA 7/16/2013 10:14AM

    I have come to believe that the key to weight loss is self worth. We all became overweight because we didn't love ourselves enough not to. In order to lose it we have learn that we are worth the effort. I have spent most of my life feeling like I was less than worthy because of my weight. As long as I can remember my self-esteem has been non-existent on a good day. But recently I feel the fluttering of pride in myself. My friends say I seem so much happier. I won't go so far as to say I LOVE myself, but for the most part I think I'm pretty awesome.

Just a long winded way of telling YOU that you can do this but you need believe that you are worth the effort and the struggle and hardship to do it.

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DAUGHTEROFTWIN 7/16/2013 10:09AM

    They ARE lies!!

Something else to keep in mind about those success stories--none of them happened overnight. None of them happened without tears and obstacles and self doubt. All we see when we look at those success stories is the number of pounds lost and the before and after pictures (at least that's what I always focused on). I really have to focus on the process and not the weight. It's so much easier to drink 8 cups of water, eat in range, eat 5-6 freggies, exercise at least 10 min a day than it is to lose ___ # of pounds. These are things within our control. The # of pounds, not so much.

Yes, I've lost 100 pounds. I still struggle with identifying myself as a "success story." Primarily because I still have at least 50 to go. When I question my "success" I really have to stop and think about my lifestyle change and not the weight loss number, because the lifestyle change is where I feel the sense of empowerment and pride.

You are such a beautiful person--inside and out. You are capable of reaching your health and fitness goals. You are worthy of the success story that lies within you.

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    Good for you. You can do this if you do it in a way you can mantain. Soem people go so gung ho they have nno hope of keeping it up. You can do this in a way that works for you i now you can

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NYARAMULA 7/16/2013 6:51AM

    I love your blog. Thanks for sharing, I agree with you.

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_BABE_ 7/16/2013 1:52AM

    Even as we speak, I wonder who I am fooling thinking I will ever get to 199. I think about it but I guess my first concern is 299. Today I went for groceries and I have this bad habit of getting juicy pear jelly beans. I am not sure why I feel the need to have a reward when I have barely been on track three days. Is it a negative track that plays and says hey go ahead you won't do it anyway???

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KIWILVR24 7/16/2013 12:59AM

    I needed to read this tonight! I have that same negative tape running through my mind oftentimes (I actually just blogged about it, myself - crazy!)... but, I LOVE the statement you made: "They are counterproductive. They are abusive. They are LIES. And they have no place in my life or anyone else’s." Thanks! & Good luck!

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TIGER_LILY_613 7/16/2013 12:44AM

    Atta girl ! Way to go ! emoticon

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Saturday, July 13, 2013

I have always been a helper. If my mom, dad, or siblings needed help with anything, I was right there. A friend had a problem? I was just a phone call away. I even worked in nonprofits for 14 years, helping people who were struggling with one issue or another.

But one thing I have been horrible at doing is asking for help. This was never truer than over the past eight months. For one reason or another, I faltered with my weight loss. I got off-track, stopped exercising consistently, started eating on the fly, quit tracking my food.

As the weight crept back on, the negative tapes started blaring and I was very embarrassed at what was happening. "I can't face them," I thought, mortified, "What will they think? I'm such a failure!" It was like a runaway freight train.

Instead of stopping and thinking about how others have been public with their struggles and how SparkFriends have rallied around them to give them support, I pulled inward. I stopped blogging. I lurked, choosing to stay on the fringes rather than using one of the most powerful benefits that SP has to offer -- member support.

For eight months, I let things get far out of hand. Seeing how I had frittered away most of my efforts from last year was a wake-up call for me. I needed to change what I was doing.

Fortunately, this week has gone fairly well, but I still feel that am on the edge. It's not any one thing that I can pinpoint, but rather a little bit of many things that tend to make me feel overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed, I grind to a halt, struggling to process what is happening.

So I am here doing something that is very difficult for me to do -- asking for help. While the changes I am making are about me, this journey is far from something that is done in isolation.

Thank you in advance for your advice, a kind word, or whatever form your help takes. It means more to me than you can know.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WMAYFIELD 7/14/2013 10:36PM

    I finally admitted that I don't like to ask for help either. Somehow, asking for help started the negative tape in my head like you mentioned--I'm not good enough, I should be able to do this on my own, etc. etc. I was putting myself under so much pressure, I started to fall apart. Then, God gave me a wake up call. emoticon

I had a hysterectomy in March and knew I'd need to slow way down, ask and accept help from people. I took the opportunity to practice letting people help me and even start asking for small things from my friends. I found out that asking the right people for help is empowering! Friends & strangers showed me love and concern, not because I did anything great for them--but just because I needed help. I am usually on the "giving" end and I learned that being on the "receiving" end of love and compassion is wonderful! Instead of feeling less capable, I felt more capable and at peace.

So what does this have to do with weight loss? Well, many of us think we "should" be able to exercise regularly, eat right, etc without any problem. When it IS a problem, we feel like a failure. But just because we know what to do, doesn't mean it's easy to do it. So blogging, reading other people's stories, asking for some encouragement, staying with the small good habits, are ways to gain more power to do right by yourself, not less.

Thank you for your post. It reminded me of things I learned a few months ago, that are easy for me to forget! Just thinking about this and writing it, gave me a boost for myself--so you helped me.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/14/2013 4:09PM

    I really think that's why this site is so wonderful! I know I couldn't have made it without SP and the member support. It's great to have people who get you and know where you're coming from. However, you can't hide if you need help! *HUGS* This is a place where you should be able to come for help and have 20 people knocking on your page, lol! I'm here whenever you need me!

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TIGER_LILY_613 7/14/2013 12:58PM

    Member support is one of the things that keeps me going. Reading other people's blogs and motivational stories, and seeing them respond when I reach out makes me feel like I'm not going it alone. And that's something that was missing last time.

Other sources of motivation are encouragement ( and sometimes tough love !) from my friends, looks or remarks from doubters (they just make me want to prove them wrong so badly), signing up for a year's worth of training (I definitely don't want my money to go to waste), having coworkers who want to go to the gym too, and wanting to see the joy on my father's face when he sees that I've finally broken the cycle. He's wanted me to be healthy for so long. I want to give him that joy. I may be doing this for me, but it would make him extremely happy.

It's tough to ask for help, so bravo for doing so. When you've been in a position where people rely on you to be their rock, it's very difficult to let others see you in a vulnerable place. Good for you for surpassing yourself ! You've already taken a great step forward.

You said that it was a bunch of little things that were overwhelming you. How about blogging about those things, if you can? Within the limits of your comfort zone of course. You might be pleasantly surprised about the advice and support you get emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/14/2013 1:12:22 PM

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KENDRACARROLL 7/14/2013 11:55AM

    I'm so glad to see you back and am looking forward to follow your progress once again. We all get off track sometimes, with eating, with exercise, with life...
Asking for help is hard, but it's also a first step to succeeding. Please know that your SparkFriends are here for you - always.

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    I left spark because i couldnt stick to my eating plan. Life stess got in the way. I am back and doing well. I dont have the stress on myself to lose the weight. Start again it is ok and you are not a failure and it is ok to say you are failing. We are not perfect and we will fail that is ok because we can learn and move on.

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_BABE_ 7/14/2013 2:32AM

    It's hard to say what is one's motivation to keep on plan. Some people split their pants and it's the last straw and some get hit over the head again and again with hints that get bigger and bigger...that would be me. The fact that I could not fit into 99% of my clothes did nothing, stayed home felt terrible didn't budge the scale, knee problems, hip problems just made me feel worse. One day it just occurred to me if I don't treat myself well how can I expect anyone else's still a struggle but now I have a goal to lose as much as I can before my foot surgery so I physically don't have far so good. You need to come to the end of the line where something just has to change. Coming back is the first step for sure! emoticon

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HEYITSLISA 7/14/2013 12:56AM

    EVERYONE gets off track (anyone that tells you differently is full of crap). Start over with the basics; track your food (and be honest! Even the bad stuff needs to be there!) and shoot for 10 minutes of exercise every day. Good habits are so hard to form, and bad habits have a way of just hanging around. It takes work but you need to convince yourself that you are worth it. Because you are.

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GRACEANNE46 7/14/2013 12:10AM

    When I started on Sparkpeople, reading the success stories of people who were the same age and start weight as me really helped. It allowed me to forgive myself and not feel like I was the only one struggling. Their example showed me that I could do it. You are also setting an example for us by sharing your struggle to get back on track. I think this is something we will all have to deal with. (I got off track for about a week in April and I realized that all the old thinking and feelings came right back.)

I agree with your mantra: Never, never, never give up, like ever ;-)

So Thanks for continuing to set a good example. You are kicking a$$ at getting back on track.

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SREESE219 7/13/2013 11:27PM


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