Sunday, October 21, 2012
Even with the insanity of the past couple weeks, I lost two more pounds. At 37 lbs total, that is equal to my son's weight. It seems weird to think that, as recent as this past summer, I was hauling around a small child.
As I was typing the title for this blog post, it dawned on me that I have been sparking for more than three months. Usually by this point, the whole diet and exercise "thing" is getting old and I just want to be done with it. I definitely have had a mind shift in that I know that what I am doing isn't just for the short term. This is something I need to do for the rest of my life because that's what people do to take care of their bodies.
I've also been thinking about a conversation I had with my little guy some weeks back...
He had come up to me and announced, "You're fat!" and gave me a big grin.
I looked at him and said, "Is that a bad thing?"
He thought for a minute and responded, "Mmmm, no." Then he gave me a hug and kiss before racing off on his next adventure.
You know, I am proud of my son. I am glad that he does not judge people simply because of their outer appearance, and that is something that I will continue to foster (though I will have to work on his tact...)
To be sure, I am working on eating healthily and exercising regularly, and I know I need to be less fat than I am now. By the same token, there is no guarantee that this journey is going to make me thin. And I am OK with that, even if it means that others would be more judgmental than my son.
I have always been a solidly built girl. Muscular. Strong. As a very young child, I had boundless energy. My nickname was “Little Miss 500%” because I ran whenever I had somewhere to go. I always had someplace to go
I was never lithe, and that was just fine. Until it wasn’t, and my size became more important that what I was doing and could do. When my weight became the focus, I started to be more cautious about how I moved. I didn't want to take up too much space or be the center of attention. Less movement led to more eating and weight gain, and the cycle continued.
Part of this journey for me is about recapturing that little girl. I want to be able to run and jump and play like I did as a child (well, as much as any 40-something *can* do!) I don’t want to feel impeded by the labels that the external world would impose upon me.
Being fat doesn’t mean I am “bad” or “less than.” If, in all my efforts, I am deemed healthy by my doctor and I have the energy to keep up with my two very active kids, then that is great! But I don’t want to be pulled down because my clothing size or the number on the scale is bigger than what some in society would prefer. If I look only at those two measures to determine my worth, then I fear I would always fall short. And that is a sad thing.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
The past week and a half have been less than routine, to say the least. Last week, I was in California for a conference. The weather was a welcome change from what we are having here in Wisconsin (as much as I love fall in Wisconsin, it's been rather cold and wet; the 60s and 70s of SoCal were nice).
Here's a shot of sunrise from the balcony off my hotel room, which overlooked Mission Bay:
I had a great time, met some wonderful people, and gained some new insights that will be helpful professionally, but eating was knocked off-kilter and I didn't get as much time for exercise as I had hoped. That didn't come entirely as a surprise.
Coming home on Sunday was a nightmare, to say the least. We ended up being diverted to another airport because of storms in Chicago, and then had to deplane because of a repair that had to be done on the plane (which was related to an issue that we had known about since we took off from San Diego -- a bit unnerving to know that we had been flying for hours with an issue that they suddenly *had* to fix). After many issues, I eventually arrived home roughly the same time that people are starting get their day started on Monday morning
I got some much needed rest and then hit the ground running tying up the loose ends from my travel, setting up meetings with a client, and getting back into life at home. As a result, I didn't get a weigh-in recorded. I still made efforts to spark (even if only in spirit), so we shall see what Week 15 has in store!
I hope it has been a good week for you!
Monday, October 08, 2012
I was doing the happy dance yesterday -- not only did I re-lose the 2.5 lbs from before, but another 2.5 lbs was gone, too! Five lbs and a total of 35 lbs down :) While I was more focused on my goals during the week, part of this loss was due to water weight. Female hormonal fluctuations really wreak havoc on the scale...
I find myself wondering when other people are going to start to notice. My husband has been able to see and appreciate the differences for a few weeks now, but I have not had anyone outside of my immediate family ask me, "Have you lost weight?"
Part of me is relieved about it because I am not sure that I want people commenting about it. It does embarrass me to think that I am being scrutinized, plus it adds a layer of pressure. The negative tapes whisper, "If they notice and then you fail, how can you face them?" Ugh, I hate those negative tapes. Why does something positive like external recognition have to feel like a negative?
But it's going to happen sooner or later. My mom is coming in a couple days to watch the kids while I am at my conference, and the last time she saw me was over the 4th of July (just before I started on SP). She also knows that I have been walking when I am on my marathon phone calls with her. I haven't mentioned weight loss specifically to her, but I know she will see it. Whether or not she comments will be another thing. She loves and supports me no matter what, but I don't know if I want her to say anything.
And then there is my husband's family, who I haven't seen since Memorial Day. By the time Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around, I will have lost more weight, and they are sure to notice because they pay attention to that sort of thing. I really don't want them to -- not only will they analyze everything that I choose to eat, but they may say something to my husband and ask him when he is going to lose weight, too. Yes, he would benefit from losing, but I recognize that it has to be his choice, and I will wait patiently for him while continuing to be a mostly good example. He doesn't need the added stress from them.
With all the positives that this journey has brought me thus far, negatives like this keep cropping up in my mind. I am certain these are part of the reasons why I have not been successful in the past. I just wish I would get to a point where all aspects of it feel great! Or is there always a "dark side?"
Monday, October 01, 2012
This week the scale wasn't so kind -- I regained the 2.5 lbs lost last week
The battle in my mind rages on. Just so many things to get done before my business trip next week! It makes it hard to be focused.
But, I need to stay positive and to remember "I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13).
A large part of success in most anything you do is related to attitude, and this is no different. If I choose to let the setbacks pull me down, they are just going to grab tighter and it will be even harder to loosen their grip on me. So I grabbed an old Sunday advertiser for Menard's* -- I just love the pearls of wisdom they put at the bottom of each page!
Here's what I found:
-Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.
-Success often comes to those who have the aptitude to see way down the road.
-Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us.
-The mind is everything. What you think, you become.
-The key to happiness is having dreams. The key to success is making your dreams comes true.
-Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude toward us.
-If you're doing your best, you won't have any time to worry about failure.
-Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.
-What happens isn't as important as how you react to what happens.
-Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over.
-Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortunes, but great minds rise above them.
These quotes gave me much food for thought and are helping me to get appropriately refocused with my efforts.
How do you keep a positive outlook when you hit a bump in the road?
*Menard's is a DIY store found in the midwestern states. It's like The Home Depot.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Time has gotten away from me this week -- it is already Thursday and I haven't done the usual update! Last Sunday, my scale showed a 2.5 lb loss for 32.5 lbs total. Thank you so much to everyone for the support
As I continue to work toward improved health, I can't help but compare this time with other attempts (and failures) from the past...
- The amount I have lost thus far has just passed what I lost on my first concerted effort. Though I was labeled as fat at age 4 and was put on an externally imposed diet at 7 (that felt like DIE with a T), I was between my freshman & sophomore years of high school and in the 220s when I first said that I wanted to lose weight. I lost 30 lbs, but then I severely sprained my foot, putting me first on crutches and then a walking cast for a total of 4 weeks. It took a good 2 weeks to regain the strength in my leg, and that was all it took to derail my efforts.
- About 3.5 years ago, I was making a sort-of attempt at a healthier lifestyle (I was exercising a lot, but not paying much attention to what I ate). I got down to what my weight is now when everything stalled. The scale didn't budge for months until some significant life stressors came onto the scene and I had a loss of appetite as a result. I dropped another 10 lbs in a month, but it all came back quickly (and then some) when my appetite returned.
The reason why I mention these is because they have been pressing on my mind lately. The negative tapes are trying to take hold -- "You've been at this spot before and look what happened. What makes you think you can do this now?" "This is a lot of work, and look at what you don't have time to do because you are focusing so much on meal planning, tracking your meals, exercising. Wouldn't it be easier to do things on the fly?" "Others are being put on the back burner because of this. How is that fair to them to not come first like they used to?"
Yes, this is a lot of work, but the reality is this: if I don't do this -- if I don't make myself the priority -- there could be long-term consequences that would impact those I love. And taking care of myself is really loving them and putting them first with me because that means I will be around to see their accomplishments and guide them on their own life journeys.
The meal planning also provides a good example for my kids so that they may be less likely to have these issues when they are my age. It's great that my kids, when they see me eating salad, want some, too. Or that the cook at my daughter's school tells me that she goes up for seconds on vegetables. Or that a natural go-to snack for my kids is fruit.
As far as being able to "do it now" goes, I have no idea what is going to happen. I just know that, no matter what, I can't stop. Whether I am losing weight, gaining weight, at a plateau, or at my ideal weight, I need to keep making efforts at living healthy. My body needs exercise and nutritious food for fuel. I need to work toward normalizing the less nutritious food so that I don't go crazy whenever I am around them.
This is just what I need to do, and the negative tapes can just take a flying leap!
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