Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Spark always seems to be my little sanctuary that I run to occasionally to find something positive in this world... this seems to be the one place that I can be sure to have my spirits lifted and to find some wind to fill my sail.
I've been absent for just over a year. For the most part, I was just busy working and didn't have time to dwell on the internet. Since my sister and I quit talking though, over a year ago, I crept into a gradual depression, slowly pushing everyone important out of my life until I could easily sit somewhere for hours and not even have to turn the ringer off on my phone. It's been a lonely existence for the last several months and I have enjoyed the solitude greatly until recently.
I received a call though during one of these quiet moments on the side of Mt. Lemmon and it was a Chihuahua rescue looking for someone to take care of a dying Chihuahua. The reason they called me is because the director of another rescue knows me and knows how much I hate Chihuahuas, so it wouldn't be heart breaking for me to find this little one dead. I agreed to take him because I was told he wouldn't make it more than a couple days but they wanted him comfortable for those days and had nowhere to send him. ...and I'm a softie and have trouble saying no to injured/helpless creatures. This little thing had mange, brain damage from starvation (starved to a dismal .9 lb) and was just a little sad looking bag of bones. He was found in a garbage bag on the side of the road. :( I took this tiny creature, along with 2 weeks vacation, and fed him from a dropper because he was too weak to eat. I talked to him and massaged his little dry, fur-less skin and one week later, took him to the vet to see that he was at 1.7 lbs. Another week later, he was walking around clumsily and seemed to be permanently brain damaged but I worked with him and began to fall in love. Within 2 months, he's a normal looking Chihuahua but he thinks he's king of the world. His attitude makes him a big dog! He is now 8.5lbs, tri-colored soft, shiny fur, knows several tricks and loves daily runs with his Mommy!
So, my solitude was interrupted by the unconditional love of tiny, emaciated creature who just needed someone to care. His name is Bug O. Potomus and we are inseparable. This made me think.
Fast forward a couple months.
While hiking in the mountains with only my little Bug-O in tow, I met a man who was also hiking solo. He just had a presence about him that made me stop and chat him up. We decided to hike together and it ended up being really great. At the end of the hike, we went our own ways and I haven't seen him since.
It was that little hike that made me realize that I would really enjoy having a mate again. I want a partner in crime that appreciates my company as much as we enjoyed each others that day hiking.
I decided I would suck it up and get back out there, socialize and force myself to date. I had a terrible time for several months and then I gave up and decided I would just enjoy my children and my dog.
I was completely at peace with this. I decided that I can be happy alone. I would enjoy it. I would just throw myself into work again, school again and just forget about ever even thinking of dating again.
Completely. Over. It.
I gave it a couple days and really made peace with the idea of being alone, handling my kids completely alone, traveling the world alone and making plans for one. Forever. I decided its not all bad. Seriously... I like this plan. Why did I ever think I needed anyone? Crazy me.
I met Richard.
This man is taller than me, but not super tall, fit but not a muscle head, entirely too old for me (and I like older men, but he really pushes the envelope), very calm, optimistic, professional, successful and handsome. There's something about him that makes me comfortable around him. Being around him makes me happy. I'm happy as a fat cat sunbathing in a window when I'm with him. I finally began feeling like maybe there's a little hope left and that maybe, just maybe, he's a good guy. I think he understands my frustration with life and is even baffled at my terrible fortune over the last couple of years. He agrees that perhaps I've been hexed. We've spent a fair amount of time together since January. Interest in him came slowly but I found myself missing him when we went more than 3 or 4 days apart.
Sure was nice until, out of the blue, I receive a phone call from his wife in Seattle. She told me he's just down here for the winter and he'll be gone in the summer, so don't get attached. She told me he always keeps a mistress both here and in Seattle because her sex drive left over 10 years ago. She has no problem with it and is just glad that she doesn't have to fake her way through it anymore.
I didn't even ask him about it. I just waited to see what unfolded.
Guess where Richard is now.
And now I'm just sitting here staring at Bug-O, glad that at least I still have my little buddy.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
So, lately, I've been a complete and total slacker. A few months ago, I realized that I was losing too much weight so I stopped working out until I could get to the bottom of the issue (medical issue). All that's resolved now but I still haven't gotten back on the "work out bandwagon".
Now I'm gaining weight again.
I've been feeling kinda crappy the last couple days and not seeing the bright side of anything so I decided I should go weigh myself and see if weight gain might be the culprit.
My max that I allow myself to fluctuate to is 150. When I top that, it's time to get serious.
So, starting today, I'm back on the Spark train. Goal is to lose 15ish pounds.
I guess the bright side is that I see it early now instead of gaining 50 pounds like I use to do. So, I'm gonna get back to running daily, doing pushups, crunches, squats, etc until I'm back down to my happy 135ish.
I'm happy at 145.
I'm thrilled at 140.
But I feel perfect at 135.
Wish me luck Sparkers.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
I find that I have goals.
I find at time that I have motivation to meet and exceed those goals.
I've kinda lost it lately.
I decided to change my ticker to a fitness minutes ticker and I set it to 1000 minutes per month.
Then I changed my homepage to Spark.
I find that with my loss of motivation comes hand in hand with a slight depression.
I'm gonna kick this mood one way or another.
I'm a firm believer that there's nothing a good workout can't cure.
The road to success is never a straight path... and victory may be achieved but it also must be maintained.
I can do this.
I'm going to.
Happiness shall be mine again.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
So, since I always seem to find clarity while blogging, I decided I would do it here because I can accomplish so much in doing so:
A. Tattle on myself, which makes me accountable which usually ends the negativity.
B. Have record of the issue
C. Figure out what my problem is while blogging.
Here's the scoop:
The last couple weeks, I've kinda.... been having a crazy appetite. And for the most part, I eat because I need to eat to be healthy, but here lately, I've been craving and consuming the worst of the worst and without any regard. I've also lost my drive for exercise and being sociable, unless its with my current love interest.
I didn't even give it a second thought until I realized I went through an entire pot of coffee yesterday and still felt tired (and I quit having coffee all together somewhere around a year ago.)
I realize this is the slide. I'm on it. Oh yeah, the downhill slide.
I know this slide all too well... its not the fun slide at the park that you loved as a kid...
its the slide straight to the depths of hell.
Gotta knock it off.
Issues that could cause emotional binge eating:
1. I dumped my best friend about a month ago. I realized he was super negative and had no real goal, aspirations or positive things going on. I told him he's not good for me and to please step out of my life and not return. Though I know its for the best in the end, its still hard.
2. In shopping for a new best friend, I met a great guy. We recently got rather serious and I have found myself sneaking off to his house late last night just to ***gulp*** snuggle.
Yes. Little miss stay-out-of-my-personal-space-or-I'll-cut-
you needed a snuggle.
It was a great snuggle too. I love him in my space and just seeing him smile makes my soul happy. He's super awesome... a great dad, a good businessman, the best friend ever...and he's smart and funny and handsome.... Ohhhh man, he's something else...
I've been single for a year and I've rather enjoyed it. I had moments where I almost broke down and gave up on my being single for a year.... but I did it. Now that my year is over, times I finally decided that I would be boyfriended...however, once I got use to not having a man to lean on, I learned how to stand on my own and somehow switched gears and became afraid of relationships. ... I decided that's not healthy either and I want a healthy relationship, with a good man and try my best to not be a commitment phob. As it progresses daily, I realize I'm getting more and more scared. I've been curled up in my apartment all day, eating and not doing much else. I've decided in the last hour: I don't like this.
back to triggers:
3. My ex moved back to town and we went from getting along to being on edge every time I see his face. The fact that he is breathing air that I might want is annoying. His existence annoys me. He annoys me beyond measure. He's so disgusting. You don't even want to know, so I'll spare the juicy details, but I'll tell you- I'm beginning to think the assault charge would totally be worth it.
4. School is over and I am in some serious transition with work and all that stuff and deciding if I even want to stay in Arizona... just lots of changes and changes are scary...
Wow. I just sat here and did some quick math.
I have consumed roughly 3,000 calories today and haven't done a thing. Nothing all day. Nothing.
Ho. Ly. Sh!t.
Ok, moving forward.
Positive things to tell myself:
1. Participating in negative behaviors will not make situations more positive.
2. Comfort eating causes discomfort of the worst sort.
3. The simple act of running cures 90% of my emotional problems.
4. Crying is better than eating a fist full of biscotti. And it burns calories. Probably should have taken that route instead. Next time, for sure.
5. Its good to have days like this, because it reminds me that a healthy lifestyle should never be completely on coast and I should always try my hardest, do my best and never cave.
And I'm not waiting until tomorrow to repair this either.
I'm putting on my Vibrams and going to Reid Park and I'm going to jog until I'm not angry anymore. I'm not going to run until I feel I've burned 1,500 calories or anything crazy like that... just until I feel like I love myself more than I hate my food consumption today.
Goals as of right now:
1. Lay off the coffee.
2. Get back to my exercise regime.
3. Learn to accept a relationship and love without fear.
4. Not rely on food to comfort me. I should just call Chuck and talk things out... that's what boyfriends are for.
5. Relearn patience with my ex husband. (I had to back space and take 'idiot' from that sentence).
6. Positively positive, all the time. Always.
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