REBECKY441   25,144
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I've Been Fearless!! Take a Deep Breath!!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Have you ever been afraid? There are so many things we can really be afraid of and yet I've found it so hard to be afraid of anything in my life while growing up. I've been fearless!

I remember one time when I was 8 years old; my grandfather took me on a camping trip with him to Yosemite. There was a mama bear and three cubs that came into our camp site. My grandpa rushed us into his Pontiac Woody where we watched the beautiful bear family peruse the garbage cans and then they soon moseyed off back into the woods.

When the lovely bear family left, we got out of Grandpa’s Woody and the normal camping day proceeded as if nothing had happened. But I had my sights on the path that the bear and her cubs’ had moseyed down, and soon my 8 yr old legs were taking me on that path to find out where they were going and to find out if I could still see them!

I walked and walk, looking and searching. Never finding the family of bears, but soon found something else. I WAS LOST! I realized that I could no longer hear the camp noises anymore! I turned around… I couldn't see the campsite anymore either!! In fact, I was LOST! Really LOST!! But strangely enough, I don’t remember panicking or being afraid! I had confidence in my 8 year old wise self that I could find my way back. I just turned around and began walking in the direction I thought I had come from. I walked and walked. Still with confidence and still unafraid. It was getting darker, but still I didn't panic and still unafraid!

After some time I did come out in a campsite area, but it was not the one where my Grandpa was camped!! It must have been miles away(or at least felt like it)!! I saw a Ranger, and thank goodness he knew my grandpa, and recognized me from earlier that morning with Grandpa. The Ranger gave me a ride back to Grandpa’s campsite. It was a happy ending that could have been a tragic one. (I hadn't even been missed. Grandpa thought I was out playing with other kids!)

I was fearless and still am! Up until now! What is my unsettling fear you ask? THE SCALE!!!

I’m afraid to step on the scale! Yes, I am actually afraid of the scale! It’s not a bear, it’s not getting lost in the woods…it’s just a stupid scale!

I’m two weeks over due weighing in. I've been weighing in every week for months … yes, even years… working to lose 1 pound a week for years! Sometimes I have lost my 1 pound goal, and sometimes I haven’t, and it’s always been OK. But something has happened to me recently and I don’t know what it is!! I’m suddenly afraid … I think I’m afraid to be disappointed!!

I've been tracking my meals religiously.
I've been staying within my calorie range.
My clothes feel looser.
My skin even feels looser.

But I have a fear that there will be NO CHANGE and I will be disappointed.

OK Becky, take a DEEP BREATH! I need to gather up my strength and courage just like I did when I was 8 following that mother bear and her three cubs into the woods, and step on that dang scale tomorrow morning and weigh in!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMUSTLOSEIT1 9/18/2014 5:58PM

    I hate to step on the dang thing too, but I make myself every week. I have learned that the NSV's are just as important as the scale victories. As long as the clothes feel better and I don't feel like the skin is shrinking it's a plus.

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    Your story was so scary!! It reminded me of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. My grandma told me that it was my favorite story when I was a little girl and I forced her to read it to me hundreds of times. She couldn't shorten it as I knew the story by heart. LOL. And here I knew A real Goldilocks and didn't know it!

I am afraid of the scale too. I hope it's not too bad for either of us!

Comment edited on: 9/18/2014 5:20:00 PM

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 9/18/2014 4:29PM

    Becky. The scale is not the enemy. It is not to be feared. It is just a tool. This is what the scale has told me, often enough so I now believe it. The conversation goes something like this.

Hi scale.
Hi Cyndi. It's Wednesday, you going to get on me or what?
I don't want to. You are always so arbitrary. You never say what I want and I often end up feeling bad.
What? Why?
Well, I've worked really hard this week and I *feel* that there should be a huge change. Yet the last time I did this you were actually UP! My clothes felt looser, my eating and exercising good and still...
Cyndi, you got it wrong. Your body is going through changes and some of those will temporarily add a pound or two, you said you exercised, so maybe you have a little more water weight or actually built some muscle. Your clothes or looser so you definitely lost some inches.
Yes but...
No buts! Just step on me. What you will see is where you are right now, this minute. It will change. It will fluctuate. I am just a snapshot, not the entire story. My numbers are neither good or bad. They are just a fact. Once you know you can deal with the rest. Just keep doing what you have been and I will change my numbers.

Or something like that anyway. May you make a friend of your scale.

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Listen... My Heart is Playing.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Blogs are funny things. I write the words that flood from my heart and unless the reader has been following me for years they have no idea what the sound of my heart strings truly sound like. Sometimes the sounds of the melody are soft and sweet and other times they are sour and screeching with anger, but trust me when I say, they are always truthful.

Recently I have had a mix of blogs entries since the passing of my mother. Please don’t be sad for my mother’s passing. I know that losing one’s mother is to be a sad occasion, but for me it wasn't that at all. My mother and I had a different, no it was more than that… it was a difficult relationship since I was six years old.

We were both strong willed. Only many of her strong willed decisions now have proven too have been disastrous… not only for her, but for all those she left behind. I could yada, yada, yada the past 8 years since the passing of my step-dad of her bad mindless decisions to press my case, but I won’t.

The past two months since her passing I will sometimes be sitting quietly watching TV with my husband, while my mind will be elsewhere and suddenly I will blurt out in anger my disdain for all that my mother and my sister has put us through. My husband will say to me, “Becky, just let it go! It’s over! Get over it!”

But it’s hard to wipe years of mental abuse out of my head and heart as if I were using a Mr. Clean Scrubby! How am I expected to ‘Just get over it?’ How long am I to hope and wait for healing? It’s not like a wound that you can wrap up and see, but the scar is still just as deep, and it’s there!

I once went to see a physiologist because of my mother’s ways and I took her advice then. Her advice didn't do me any good. In fact, it may actually made matters worse, but it made me feel better. I guess that's what it was suppose to do. My boldness towards my mother was not accepted well at the time. Being that ‘Perfect Daughter’ who was standing up, was not acceptable. So there the trouble began. She was even more appalled that I went to see a doctor about ‘HER’! Do I really need to go again now that she’s gone? Although there is her clone, my sister, that I could see the doctor about! Hmm, now that’s a thought! I’ll think about that one more, or not.

So I just struggle with these thoughts planking out different melodies on the black and white keys from my heart strings. Some of you who have known me for years will understand, and others will probably be even more confused. Always be sure though, my heart strings will always stay in harmony when they play.

Sometimes those who are the closest to me have had the hardest time hearing my music, or seeing my tears.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEADSBAY 9/18/2014 12:21PM

    I cannot say enough good things about the healing process that a good therapist could guide you through.
Forgiveness for past hurts and betrayals is actually a gift we give to OURSELVES.
It will not erase the past but it will minimize the pain.
My issues were with my father (and his alcoholism and abuse of my mother) and I felt absolutely nothing when he passed away five years ago.

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    I can totally relate. My mom and I had a really difficult relationship at times. She has been gone long enough now that my wounds are merely scars now. I don't forget but I understand her better. I hope that someday you can feel more at peace with this. It will take time. I don't take mom's problems personally and I know you won't either. In retrospect I saw that she actually had difficult relationships with everyone. She was very controlling. She always wanted her way or she would pout and punish. I could never disagree or do things my own way and when I was an adult and did just that, I was "punished". She was a afraid of being alone and seemed to do everything to cause it. She had unrealistic expectations and thought she should come first, even over my child and husband. At one point she even suggested that she wanted me to leave them and move in to take care of her. She had a lot of good qualities but her bad ones were deal breakers. I hope your family knows this is not something you get over easily. My husband has his own issues with his family so he understands but I think men can get over things like this easier than women. My hubby many never have a relationship with his brothers again and I don't blame him. You may do the same with your sister and I understand completely. Some things are not worth putting up with. You know what I mean.

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 9/17/2014 6:16PM

    I hear you, but you must forgive her so that you can move on. I know that is hard but she is still controlling your life. Here is my suggestion, and it is only a suggestion, if you can, go to the cemetery where she is buried, if she has a stone kick it until it hurts, and during the kicking tell her what she has done to your life, and then tell her" NO MORE, I am so over you." Just make sure you look around first to see if anyone is around, because if you start ranting and someone is there they will probably call the guys with white coats, and" take you for a ride." And yes, I am using humor to help you think of something else. And as far as the Bitchy Sister, just tell her to buzz off, your tire of her.

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 9/17/2014 6:09PM

It is tough coming to grips with family, the good the bad and the ugly of it. I wish you the healing/peace with the past, because that's what it is unless you bring it into the present. It is tough to let it go and no longer affect you since it has been going on for so long.

Personally, I think you should go see someone. To talk out your anger and issues and to be able to heal. I have used therapists over the years, short term, to deal with a variety of issues (including family). Being able to discuss it with someone who isn't vested in the situation and can be impartial can be very helpful. No matter how you decide to handle it, you are my friend and deserve to be happy and healthy.

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Say Good-Bye to Past Expectations

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Last night I woke up thinking I was having the worse tooth ache. I laid there wondering what was going on! I got up took some pain medication and went back to bed waiting for the pain in my jaw and neck to subside. While waiting I laid there thinking and wondering, “What was going on?”

My mind was swirling over the past months event of my mom’s passing and the turmoil of my sister fighting with me, and it was then that I realized, “This wasn't a tooth ache! It was a jaw ache from clinching my jaw while sleeping!” Stress was eating at me even when I was sleeping!

I always seem to have had the feeling of ‘WHAT IF'S’ my whole life, and had the feeling of dissatisfaction with myself over anything that goes wrong, that maybe there was something more I couldn't done.

Being the Libra I’m always trying to keep things level and to equalize any problem. I never stand up to rock the boat, and I always want to find a solution for every situation. Always being the perfect daughter. Always being the perfect sister. Always being the perfect wife, and perfect mother. Perfection is hard to live up to. Trust me.

Finding a solution to all situations is not always as easy as it sounds.

I used to be so embarrassed with my looks growing up. My hair was too wavy. My hair was too blonde. I had a puffy eye when I smiled in all my pictures so I rarely smiled. I didn't like my teeth they were too large. The critical lists went on and on. But recently when I was going through all the old photos at Mom’s house I realized that I really looked pretty good back then. I actually was pretty cute if I do say so myself. I was always thin and my parents dressed me in the cutest of clothes. I never went without. I would give anything to look like that again! I was a pretty lucky girl growing up, and I kept that look for years to come... but I also kept that criticism of myself in my back pocket too. (Shame on me!)

Looking back on those years growing up though I can recall the embarrassment of my hip bones showing through when I wore a skinny skirt. What was I thinking? Where are my hip bones now? I still haven’t been able to find them these past 10 years! Or, when I used to go to the beach or the recreation center pool, I wouldn't want anyone to notice that my thighs never touched together! I thought I looked bow legged! Wow!! Let’s not even talk about my thighs now!! Believe me… I don’t look bow legged! Heehaw!

Why is it we are never happy with what we've got until it’s gone?

'Letting go of past expectations and live for today.' This has been one of the most important lessons learned while here on Spark People, and I think it just recently hit home within the past 2 months! Why has it taken me so long to realize this? That it doesn't matter what my size is now, or what size I came from, I need to love myself for who I am and what I've become, and to stay in the present living for today.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BMCOLLEY 9/17/2014 2:22AM

    You have grown a great deal. Keep it up!


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SPARKFRAN514 9/16/2014 9:34PM

    emoticon you have learned a lot here at spark and agree its so much more then a site where we learn to lose weight / learn to eat healthy we learn we are important and need to love our selves no matter what size we are . you are dealing with losing your mom family issues praying that things start falling into place for you emoticon

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LIFENPROGRESS 9/16/2014 9:32PM

    Open your heart to yourself and see that Y*O*U are beautiful -- an emoticon force in the universe!

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GRANJERRY1 9/16/2014 7:35PM

    emoticon As we age it is important that we come to terms and accept who/what we are....loving your self goes a long way in helping us being fitter.

emoticon emoticon

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 9/16/2014 7:04PM

    Amen! So sorry to hear about your mom. May you always find the things you like about yourself and let go of the things you can not change.

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 9/16/2014 5:00PM


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    I totally agree. We need to love ourselves regardless of our size. Beauty is fleeting anyway. At some point we are no longer young women and won't look like them. Our beauty will be seen as the person we are inside and how we treat others. I've known a lot of elderly women who were beautiful. What they all had in common is that they were happy and sweet. They took care of themselves and they respected themselves and others.

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THEEXERCISER 9/16/2014 4:08PM

    Sorry to hear about your Mom

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The Process

Monday, September 08, 2014

I read a blog this morning that made me think about my life and how grateful I am for all the blessing that I have been bestowed. I’m going to take a quote she used and share with you. If you would like to read her blog here is a link to it:

“Sometimes we don’t know what we’re learning, or whether we’re learning anything at all. It’s easy to look back on a situation—once it has worked itself out—and be in awe of the process and all that we learned. The time we most need to trust the journey is when it looks like we can’t.” -- Melody Beattie

I’ve had times in my life when I thought I could never get through the day, but I always found a way somehow. Now looking back I wonder to myself, ‘How did I ever do that?’ In all honesty, it was a learning process. I made some errors, but I learned from those errors. And even though sometimes it seemed like such a hard process, I believe I did learn something along the way that has prepared me to help others along their journey.

Keep our eyes and ears open, keep an open mind, be willing to learn, and never stop trying!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYIME 9/15/2014 7:12PM

    Amen on that!!! emoticon emoticon

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SPARKFRAN514 9/11/2014 9:43PM

    Reminds of watching the middle its a daily challenge to meet our goals and get over that middle section.
 The road to success is always under construction Lily Tomlin
Commit to it one tiny step at a time.
***Let's keep on the move and stay strong with our Spark plan!
`*•.¸ ♥ ¸.•*´¨☆¨`*•.¸ ♥ ¸.•*´¨♥¸.•*´¨☆(¸.•´¨`¸•

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GRANJERRY1 9/9/2014 10:22AM

    emoticon very well written

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    Plus, until you can look back objectively and with time, distance and wisdom, you don't even know whether what you're going through is good or bad. It might feel bad in the moment but be very good for you overall; feel good and be a bad turn in the road. I guess that's why we call life a mystery.


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    We have been in the middle a long time, haven't we, GF? LOL. I am never giving up. It's not in my nature. Nor yours.

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 9/8/2014 5:53PM

    It's the middle that gets us.

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  I'm trying, but sometimes the days are so hard to get through. The darkness is deep and waiting, always waiting to swallow me.

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Believe in Me

Saturday, September 06, 2014

“Epiphany” - "A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or common place occurrence or experience."

Spark People has caused me to have an ‘Epiphany’. Not that I haven’t actually thought this before, but now I am willing to speak it out loud and put it down in writing for me to face the reality up front and head on. I always thought I had an eating disorder. OH there I said it! I have an eating disorder!

But wait!! Did I really?

Many of you are not going to quite understand this, but weekends used to be so bad for me. Weekends were when I would call my mother, and talk to my crazy (yes I said ‘crazy’) sister. I hated weekends!

So many people love their mothers, and have great relationships with their sisters, and to hear someone admit that they didn’t want to talk to either may seem disturbing, but mine would always either make me angry or make me become depressed. There were many reasons; too many to go into, but trust me the reasons were real and validated.

For years after talking to either of them if I were alone I would find myself pacing the kitchen looking for something to eat. I thought I was a bored eater.

After conversations if I became upset I would look for food or drink to sabotage my plan. I was sure I was an emotional eater. And when I got sad I would look for something sweet to lift my depression, which put a clinch on it… I WAS an emotional eater!!

A month ago my mother passed away. Now my sister and I are no longer speaking to one another and I am no longer dreading weekends.

Oh I did… or I guess I do have an eating disorder, but I think I’ve learned now how I can control myself in stressful situations, I had an ‘EPIPHANY’ an ‘experience’ that has taught me that I don’t have to eat or sabotage myself.

I know all the times that I failed, I failed myself, and each failure packed the pounds on these hips… and now I am paying the price! Now it’s time for me to get serious about treating myself with kindness and loving me and not feeding my emotions.

The steps I need to take are laid out before me. I’m doing this for ME.

1. Acknowledge – acknowledge that I have a problem.
2. Plan – make a step by step plan of attack to correct the problem.
3. Follow – follow the steps.
4. Reward – reward myself for each step accomplished.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSY455 9/8/2014 2:03AM

    Wishing you much success as you move forward with your plan. Believing in yourself and your plan is key :-)

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GRANJERRY1 9/7/2014 8:49PM

    emoticon is so important that we mentally fight of our inhibitions to become healthier.... good luck & we are all rooting for you emoticon

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WILDVIOLETS 9/7/2014 8:30PM

    emoticon emoticon

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    I have the opposite problem - I don't eat when I'm stressed. I quit eating when I'm stressed

I'm an eating brat instead. I'm picky and I want to eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. I should choose a healthy vegetable but I want potato chips. I should have a salad but I want a burger and fries. I'm my own worst enemy.

I need to work back up to lot of exercise too. I'm finally working on it but I need to be consistent which is my biggest problem.

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HOLLYM48 9/7/2014 8:52AM

    Our life's journey is not always easy and having destructive people in our family makes it very hard to feel good about oneself. I am so sorry for the relationship that was not right and for your mother's passing. I wish you the best in your journey to getting healthy!

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    I think too often we try to categorize what is a very complex process to make it simple for ourselves. We say, I am an addict or I have a disorder or I stress eat when the truth may be more simple or more complex than that. What I love about your story is that you were able to see that the roots of your behavior, while frequently triggered by outside people, were really an inside job. As a result of that, you just gave yourself the best news you could possibly get: you are responsible for what you do and you can make a different choice.


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SPARKFRAN514 9/6/2014 11:43PM

    emoticon now that you have it in writing I hope you feel better . Sorry you lost your mom but it great you no longer hate the week ends have a plan in place and were able to share with your Spark family .
"Human beings are made up of flesh and blood, and a miracle fiber called courage" -George Patton

"Don't fear moving slowly forward...fear standing still." -Kathleen Harris

"If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, keep moving." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 9/6/2014 7:02PM

    very well said. That is what I need, an Epiphany. I have set some goals, now to follow thru.

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SUEARNOLD1 9/6/2014 6:06PM


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