Thursday, September 18, 2014
Have you ever been afraid? There are so many things we can really be afraid of and yet I've found it so hard to be afraid of anything in my life while growing up. I've been fearless!
I remember one time when I was 8 years old; my grandfather took me on a camping trip with him to Yosemite. There was a mama bear and three cubs that came into our camp site. My grandpa rushed us into his Pontiac Woody where we watched the beautiful bear family peruse the garbage cans and then they soon moseyed off back into the woods.
When the lovely bear family left, we got out of Grandpa’s Woody and the normal camping day proceeded as if nothing had happened. But I had my sights on the path that the bear and her cubs’ had moseyed down, and soon my 8 yr old legs were taking me on that path to find out where they were going and to find out if I could still see them!
I walked and walk, looking and searching. Never finding the family of bears, but soon found something else. I WAS LOST! I realized that I could no longer hear the camp noises anymore! I turned around… I couldn't see the campsite anymore either!! In fact, I was LOST! Really LOST!! But strangely enough, I don’t remember panicking or being afraid! I had confidence in my 8 year old wise self that I could find my way back. I just turned around and began walking in the direction I thought I had come from. I walked and walked. Still with confidence and still unafraid. It was getting darker, but still I didn't panic and still unafraid!
After some time I did come out in a campsite area, but it was not the one where my Grandpa was camped!! It must have been miles away(or at least felt like it)!! I saw a Ranger, and thank goodness he knew my grandpa, and recognized me from earlier that morning with Grandpa. The Ranger gave me a ride back to Grandpa’s campsite. It was a happy ending that could have been a tragic one. (I hadn't even been missed. Grandpa thought I was out playing with other kids!)
I was fearless and still am! Up until now! What is my unsettling fear you ask? THE SCALE!!!
I’m afraid to step on the scale! Yes, I am actually afraid of the scale! It’s not a bear, it’s not getting lost in the woods…it’s just a stupid scale!
I’m two weeks over due weighing in. I've been weighing in every week for months … yes, even years… working to lose 1 pound a week for years! Sometimes I have lost my 1 pound goal, and sometimes I haven’t, and it’s always been OK. But something has happened to me recently and I don’t know what it is!! I’m suddenly afraid … I think I’m afraid to be disappointed!!
I've been tracking my meals religiously.
I've been staying within my calorie range.
My clothes feel looser.
My skin even feels looser.
But I have a fear that there will be NO CHANGE and I will be disappointed.
OK Becky, take a DEEP BREATH! I need to gather up my strength and courage just like I did when I was 8 following that mother bear and her three cubs into the woods, and step on that dang scale tomorrow morning and weigh in!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Blogs are funny things. I write the words that flood from my heart and unless the reader has been following me for years they have no idea what the sound of my heart strings truly sound like. Sometimes the sounds of the melody are soft and sweet and other times they are sour and screeching with anger, but trust me when I say, they are always truthful.
Recently I have had a mix of blogs entries since the passing of my mother. Please don’t be sad for my mother’s passing. I know that losing one’s mother is to be a sad occasion, but for me it wasn't that at all. My mother and I had a different, no it was more than that… it was a difficult relationship since I was six years old.
We were both strong willed. Only many of her strong willed decisions now have proven too have been disastrous… not only for her, but for all those she left behind. I could yada, yada, yada the past 8 years since the passing of my step-dad of her bad mindless decisions to press my case, but I won’t.
The past two months since her passing I will sometimes be sitting quietly watching TV with my husband, while my mind will be elsewhere and suddenly I will blurt out in anger my disdain for all that my mother and my sister has put us through. My husband will say to me, “Becky, just let it go! It’s over! Get over it!”
But it’s hard to wipe years of mental abuse out of my head and heart as if I were using a Mr. Clean Scrubby! How am I expected to ‘Just get over it?’ How long am I to hope and wait for healing? It’s not like a wound that you can wrap up and see, but the scar is still just as deep, and it’s there!
I once went to see a physiologist because of my mother’s ways and I took her advice then. Her advice didn't do me any good. In fact, it may actually made matters worse, but it made me feel better. I guess that's what it was suppose to do. My boldness towards my mother was not accepted well at the time. Being that ‘Perfect Daughter’ who was standing up, was not acceptable. So there the trouble began. She was even more appalled that I went to see a doctor about ‘HER’! Do I really need to go again now that she’s gone? Although there is her clone, my sister, that I could see the doctor about! Hmm, now that’s a thought! I’ll think about that one more, or not.
So I just struggle with these thoughts planking out different melodies on the black and white keys from my heart strings. Some of you who have known me for years will understand, and others will probably be even more confused. Always be sure though, my heart strings will always stay in harmony when they play.
Sometimes those who are the closest to me have had the hardest time hearing my music, or seeing my tears.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Last night I woke up thinking I was having the worse tooth ache. I laid there wondering what was going on! I got up took some pain medication and went back to bed waiting for the pain in my jaw and neck to subside. While waiting I laid there thinking and wondering, “What was going on?”
My mind was swirling over the past months event of my mom’s passing and the turmoil of my sister fighting with me, and it was then that I realized, “This wasn't a tooth ache! It was a jaw ache from clinching my jaw while sleeping!” Stress was eating at me even when I was sleeping!
I always seem to have had the feeling of ‘WHAT IF'S’ my whole life, and had the feeling of dissatisfaction with myself over anything that goes wrong, that maybe there was something more I couldn't done.
Being the Libra I’m always trying to keep things level and to equalize any problem. I never stand up to rock the boat, and I always want to find a solution for every situation. Always being the perfect daughter. Always being the perfect sister. Always being the perfect wife, and perfect mother. Perfection is hard to live up to. Trust me.
Finding a solution to all situations is not always as easy as it sounds.
I used to be so embarrassed with my looks growing up. My hair was too wavy. My hair was too blonde. I had a puffy eye when I smiled in all my pictures so I rarely smiled. I didn't like my teeth they were too large. The critical lists went on and on. But recently when I was going through all the old photos at Mom’s house I realized that I really looked pretty good back then. I actually was pretty cute if I do say so myself. I was always thin and my parents dressed me in the cutest of clothes. I never went without. I would give anything to look like that again! I was a pretty lucky girl growing up, and I kept that look for years to come... but I also kept that criticism of myself in my back pocket too. (Shame on me!)
Looking back on those years growing up though I can recall the embarrassment of my hip bones showing through when I wore a skinny skirt. What was I thinking? Where are my hip bones now? I still haven’t been able to find them these past 10 years! Or, when I used to go to the beach or the recreation center pool, I wouldn't want anyone to notice that my thighs never touched together! I thought I looked bow legged! Wow!! Let’s not even talk about my thighs now!! Believe me… I don’t look bow legged! Heehaw!
Why is it we are never happy with what we've got until it’s gone?
'Letting go of past expectations and live for today.' This has been one of the most important lessons learned while here on Spark People, and I think it just recently hit home within the past 2 months! Why has it taken me so long to realize this? That it doesn't matter what my size is now, or what size I came from, I need to love myself for who I am and what I've become, and to stay in the present living for today.
Monday, September 08, 2014
I read a blog this morning that made me think about my life and how grateful I am for all the blessing that I have been bestowed. I’m going to take a quote she used and share with you. If you would like to read her blog here is a link to it:
“Sometimes we don’t know what we’re learning, or whether we’re learning anything at all. It’s easy to look back on a situation—once it has worked itself out—and be in awe of the process and all that we learned. The time we most need to trust the journey is when it looks like we can’t.” -- Melody Beattie
I’ve had times in my life when I thought I could never get through the day, but I always found a way somehow. Now looking back I wonder to myself, ‘How did I ever do that?’ In all honesty, it was a learning process. I made some errors, but I learned from those errors. And even though sometimes it seemed like such a hard process, I believe I did learn something along the way that has prepared me to help others along their journey.
Keep our eyes and ears open, keep an open mind, be willing to learn, and never stop trying!
Saturday, September 06, 2014
“Epiphany” - "A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or common place occurrence or experience."
Spark People has caused me to have an ‘Epiphany’. Not that I haven’t actually thought this before, but now I am willing to speak it out loud and put it down in writing for me to face the reality up front and head on. I always thought I had an eating disorder. OH there I said it! I have an eating disorder!
But wait!! Did I really?
Many of you are not going to quite understand this, but weekends used to be so bad for me. Weekends were when I would call my mother, and talk to my crazy (yes I said ‘crazy’) sister. I hated weekends!
So many people love their mothers, and have great relationships with their sisters, and to hear someone admit that they didn’t want to talk to either may seem disturbing, but mine would always either make me angry or make me become depressed. There were many reasons; too many to go into, but trust me the reasons were real and validated.
For years after talking to either of them if I were alone I would find myself pacing the kitchen looking for something to eat. I thought I was a bored eater.
After conversations if I became upset I would look for food or drink to sabotage my plan. I was sure I was an emotional eater. And when I got sad I would look for something sweet to lift my depression, which put a clinch on it… I WAS an emotional eater!!
A month ago my mother passed away. Now my sister and I are no longer speaking to one another and I am no longer dreading weekends.
Oh I did… or I guess I do have an eating disorder, but I think I’ve learned now how I can control myself in stressful situations, I had an ‘EPIPHANY’ an ‘experience’ that has taught me that I don’t have to eat or sabotage myself.
I know all the times that I failed, I failed myself, and each failure packed the pounds on these hips… and now I am paying the price! Now it’s time for me to get serious about treating myself with kindness and loving me and not feeding my emotions.
The steps I need to take are laid out before me. I’m doing this for ME.
1. Acknowledge – acknowledge that I have a problem.
2. Plan – make a step by step plan of attack to correct the problem.
3. Follow – follow the steps.
4. Reward – reward myself for each step accomplished.
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