Sunday, September 07, 2014
so, here i am again. since last i was active on SP, I have moved, gotten a master's degree and begun another graduate program. i have also put on weight. after years of not looking in the mirror (again) and failing to face both my reflection and the behaviors that have led to it, i am here again to face the truth. not only am i overweight, i am obese. i am at risk for diabetes, heart attack, stroke and myriad cancers because i am obese. having grown up "skinny" i am still pretty surprised that i have ended up here, and i hate it. today, i want to face some of the things i really really dislike about my current size (14-16).
1. I am heat intolerant
2. The clothes I wear do not actually reflect my style, but what I can find that looks half decent.
3. I am rarely comfortable in any state of undress.
5. I feel like poor diet and exercise habits are aging me.
6. Hesitant to play with my kids in certain situations (i.e.: climbing structures, water parks)
7. Low energy
8. Foot pain
9. difficulty exercising the way i used to (running) because it is so hard on my back/knees/feet
10. difficulty getting in a comfortable sleeping position.
11. feeling like others are judging me, be it friends, colleagues or potential employers.
12. thinking that the terrible health decisions i have made jepordize my future as a mom
13. i miss feeling "tiny"
14. my big round face
15. being able to order things online and know they will fit.
i am trying to spend some time thinking about all the things that motivate me, and where that motivation has failed. i can't quite figure out why it is that despite good success at losing, i eventually bury my head in the sand again, slip into terrible old habits and gain, gain, gain it all back plus some. thus far i have determined:
1. historically i wsa too calorie and fat restrictive and it was not sustainable
2. when i am trying to lose for an "event" or with a specific date/goal in mind, i either give up after the event and go wild, or, if i don't meet a (probably unrealistic) goal, quit and drop every single good habit at once.
SO, what am I going to do differently? For one, I am trying out a low carb plan. i know its not really what spark advocates, and I am not doing to go atkins type low, but looking at eating at least a 1:1 protein to carb ratio. I am also going to give up my crazy addiction to artifical sweetners apart from stevia, and eventually hopefully give that up too. Finally, I am going to try to move every day...no defined workout rules, just move every day.
i have to do it this time. all the way.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
I have been really very motivated for about 2 weeks. I have lost about 6 pounds, and am happy with that. Today, I am stressing about a big exam tuesday, and running around doing errands with the kids, and POW it's lunchtime, and POW the kids want pizza, and I walked in the pizza shop thinking I'd just get a drink and eat something healthier when we got home, and I ATE 2 BIG SLICES OF PIZZA. Seriously, 2 HUGE slices. I probably wouldn't be so mad at myself with one, but really, I did not, do not need TWO! Not sure where the willpower went...but it went. Feeling pretty gross right about now, and more than a little disappointed with myself. I am right about to break into the 180s, and I am sure I blew that for a day or 2.
The good news is that I still have a shot at staying in my ranges for the day. This is what I keep telling myself. That a weight loss plan has some wiggle room for pizza or ice cream or anything else, as long as I stay in range, and don't make junk food a habit. THis is a distance race, after all, not a sprint...and I need to hang in there and keep chipping away at this weight. So, here's to not allowing my pizza slip to turn into a day where I say, "ahh, to hell with it, i already messed up today..." I WILL STAY IN RANGE TODAY (albeit barely:) and do better tomorrow
Friday, October 19, 2012
i am obese. i am obese. i am obese.
hard to say. hard to read. hardest to believe. i was not a chubby kid. i do not see myself as a fat person. but i am obese.
i sit in class, learning all about how obesity kills, causes stroke, diabetes, cardiac disease, and i think...are they looking at me? is that professor looking at me as they talk about the obesity epidemic in this country? in a short while, i'll be sitting across from patients..telling them how important it is that they maintain a healthy weight...and they'll no doubt be thinking that i am a HUGE HYPOCRITE.
i am obese. obesity kills. these things are both true...but one, not for long.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
SO, first of all, the putting the scale away business lasted like 3 days. Then I broke, and weighed in. It's probably a bad habit, but I like seeing daily progress. Which I WAS seeing, until we hosted a bbq last night. There were chips and guac and burgers and drinks OH MY. I ate, not too badly....tasted a bit of everything but very much controlled my portions. THough I am showing a gain this am, I am okay with that....I know there will be occasions when I am not "eating to live" and I will just get right back on track the next day. I woke up this am...went for my walk/jog with the dog, ate by nuts and berries breakfast, and will give these extra pounds 48 hrs to disappear before I change my ticker. Onward and downward (on the scale : )
Monday, July 11, 2011
i keep reading about all the people who have put their scale away and are feeling renewed motivation, inner peace, etc etc. i have to admit, this is a big struggle for me. i am a scale addict. i know it is not helpful, but seriously, i must weigh myself 3x/day. this causes alot of frustration on my part, and a general scratching of the head...but also, it gives me a little perspective. you see, i might weigh myself when i wake up, then go running and come home and WEIGH MORE after sweating for 3 miles. OR, i might be really good for 2 days with almost no loss, then eat something i shouldn't and be lower the next day. i always worry that if i weigh in once a week and the scale is having one of it's schizo moments that make no sense, i will be disappointed for no good reason. on the other hand, it would be kindof liberating to put the darn thing away for a week at a time. or even 2.
full disclosure here, the scale is kindof pissing me off these days. i've been eating well since the beginning of june or so, and exercising consistently...yet i am not really seeing much weight loss. i feel better, have more energy, and feel like i oughta look fabulous by now (in fact, i am often surprised by the fat girl in the mirror when i am feeling like such a rockstar on the inside-there goes that reverse anorexia again!)...only to be let down by the number.
okay, so a plan..i weighed in this morning at 182 on the money. i am putting that flat bastard (the scale) in my closet until the day i leave for vacation (about 10 days from now). We'll start there and see how it goes....
Get An Email Alert Each Time READYTOJOG Posts