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back again. again.

Sunday, September 07, 2014

so, here i am again. since last i was active on SP, I have moved, gotten a master's degree and begun another graduate program. i have also put on weight. after years of not looking in the mirror (again) and failing to face both my reflection and the behaviors that have led to it, i am here again to face the truth. not only am i overweight, i am obese. i am at risk for diabetes, heart attack, stroke and myriad cancers because i am obese. having grown up "skinny" i am still pretty surprised that i have ended up here, and i hate it. today, i want to face some of the things i really really dislike about my current size (14-16).

1. I am heat intolerant
2. The clothes I wear do not actually reflect my style, but what I can find that looks half decent.
3. I am rarely comfortable in any state of undress.
4. Chafing
5. I feel like poor diet and exercise habits are aging me.
6. Hesitant to play with my kids in certain situations (i.e.: climbing structures, water parks)
7. Low energy
8. Foot pain
9. difficulty exercising the way i used to (running) because it is so hard on my back/knees/feet
10. difficulty getting in a comfortable sleeping position.
11. feeling like others are judging me, be it friends, colleagues or potential employers.
12. thinking that the terrible health decisions i have made jepordize my future as a mom
13. i miss feeling "tiny"
14. my big round face
15. being able to order things online and know they will fit.

i am trying to spend some time thinking about all the things that motivate me, and where that motivation has failed. i can't quite figure out why it is that despite good success at losing, i eventually bury my head in the sand again, slip into terrible old habits and gain, gain, gain it all back plus some. thus far i have determined:

1. historically i wsa too calorie and fat restrictive and it was not sustainable
2. when i am trying to lose for an "event" or with a specific date/goal in mind, i either give up after the event and go wild, or, if i don't meet a (probably unrealistic) goal, quit and drop every single good habit at once.

SO, what am I going to do differently? For one, I am trying out a low carb plan. i know its not really what spark advocates, and I am not doing to go atkins type low, but looking at eating at least a 1:1 protein to carb ratio. I am also going to give up my crazy addiction to artifical sweetners apart from stevia, and eventually hopefully give that up too. Finally, I am going to try to move every day...no defined workout rules, just move every day.

i have to do it this time. all the way.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AP17182 9/14/2014 12:03AM

  You can do it. I believe we all need encouragement and accountability. It is easy to fall off track, and difficult to get back on. Everyone has to figure out what works best for themselves.
Reading this entry, I see myself in so many of those reasons.
We can do this! emoticon

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pizza and weight loss

Saturday, October 27, 2012

SOOO,
I have been really very motivated for about 2 weeks. I have lost about 6 pounds, and am happy with that. Today, I am stressing about a big exam tuesday, and running around doing errands with the kids, and POW it's lunchtime, and POW the kids want pizza, and I walked in the pizza shop thinking I'd just get a drink and eat something healthier when we got home, and I ATE 2 BIG SLICES OF PIZZA. Seriously, 2 HUGE slices. I probably wouldn't be so mad at myself with one, but really, I did not, do not need TWO! Not sure where the willpower went...but it went. Feeling pretty gross right about now, and more than a little disappointed with myself. I am right about to break into the 180s, and I am sure I blew that for a day or 2.
The good news is that I still have a shot at staying in my ranges for the day. This is what I keep telling myself. That a weight loss plan has some wiggle room for pizza or ice cream or anything else, as long as I stay in range, and don't make junk food a habit. THis is a distance race, after all, not a sprint...and I need to hang in there and keep chipping away at this weight. So, here's to not allowing my pizza slip to turn into a day where I say, "ahh, to hell with it, i already messed up today..." I WILL STAY IN RANGE TODAY (albeit barely:) and do better tomorrow

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REVIVED 10/28/2012 10:16AM

    Pizza always trips me up too. How are you losing 6lbs in 2 weeks?! I need to know your secrets. Hope you see the 180s soon. I was on the verge of the 160s and then spent the weekend COMPLETELY self-sabotaging. So I feel your pain.

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CHRISTINASP 10/28/2012 8:30AM

    That's how it goes. Maybe you simply got too hungry. If the body is in survival mode, it's very hard to dig in your heals and take it home to eat a salad! :)
It will happen like this now and then. Chalk it up as '\experience'.
Indeed, don't let it tempt you to continue overeating. Sounds like you've been doing well!

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PRAIRIECROCUS 10/28/2012 12:46AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 10/27/2012 3:38PM

    emoticon

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obesity

Friday, October 19, 2012

i am obese. i am obese. i am obese.
hard to say. hard to read. hardest to believe. i was not a chubby kid. i do not see myself as a fat person. but i am obese.
i sit in class, learning all about how obesity kills, causes stroke, diabetes, cardiac disease, and i think...are they looking at me? is that professor looking at me as they talk about the obesity epidemic in this country? in a short while, i'll be sitting across from patients..telling them how important it is that they maintain a healthy weight...and they'll no doubt be thinking that i am a HUGE HYPOCRITE.
i am obese. obesity kills. these things are both true...but one, not for long.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRAIRIECROCUS 10/20/2012 5:37PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHRISTINASP 10/20/2012 7:22AM

    If they ARE looking at you they're rude... I think.

More important than to know that obesity kills is to understand how we got to be overweight and what to do about it.

I'd say you are a soon-to-be-person-of-normal-weight! :)

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CHERYLSBUTT 10/19/2012 10:44PM

    Recognizing where you are and where you want to be...is the beginning of the journey! Congrats on taking your first step

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scale and bbq

Thursday, July 21, 2011

SO, first of all, the putting the scale away business lasted like 3 days. Then I broke, and weighed in. It's probably a bad habit, but I like seeing daily progress. Which I WAS seeing, until we hosted a bbq last night. There were chips and guac and burgers and drinks OH MY. I ate, not too badly....tasted a bit of everything but very much controlled my portions. THough I am showing a gain this am, I am okay with that....I know there will be occasions when I am not "eating to live" and I will just get right back on track the next day. I woke up this am...went for my walk/jog with the dog, ate by nuts and berries breakfast, and will give these extra pounds 48 hrs to disappear before I change my ticker. Onward and downward (on the scale : )

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TWINZILLA 7/25/2011 12:19PM

    I have such a love hate relationship with that flat bastard--and he's not been kind to me lately! I hope your water weight is gone soon...

Comment edited on: 7/25/2011 12:19:57 PM

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to weigh or not to weigh, that is the question

Monday, July 11, 2011

i keep reading about all the people who have put their scale away and are feeling renewed motivation, inner peace, etc etc. i have to admit, this is a big struggle for me. i am a scale addict. i know it is not helpful, but seriously, i must weigh myself 3x/day. this causes alot of frustration on my part, and a general scratching of the head...but also, it gives me a little perspective. you see, i might weigh myself when i wake up, then go running and come home and WEIGH MORE after sweating for 3 miles. OR, i might be really good for 2 days with almost no loss, then eat something i shouldn't and be lower the next day. i always worry that if i weigh in once a week and the scale is having one of it's schizo moments that make no sense, i will be disappointed for no good reason. on the other hand, it would be kindof liberating to put the darn thing away for a week at a time. or even 2.
full disclosure here, the scale is kindof pissing me off these days. i've been eating well since the beginning of june or so, and exercising consistently...yet i am not really seeing much weight loss. i feel better, have more energy, and feel like i oughta look fabulous by now (in fact, i am often surprised by the fat girl in the mirror when i am feeling like such a rockstar on the inside-there goes that reverse anorexia again!)...only to be let down by the number.
okay, so a plan..i weighed in this morning at 182 on the money. i am putting that flat bastard (the scale) in my closet until the day i leave for vacation (about 10 days from now). We'll start there and see how it goes....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TWINZILLA 7/15/2011 11:45AM

    The scale IS a flat bastard (love that!). I noticed today that my clothes are fitting much better, even though the scale says I've only lost .5 in the last three weeks. Smart move putting it away...I should do the same!

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55WALKER 7/11/2011 6:49PM

    I go back and forth on this, obsessing with it and then not looking at it. I think whatever works at the moment works. I know when I am weighing over and over in a day it may not make sense to some people, but it still tells me something I want to know at the time. And when it seems to be working against my good state of mind, away it goes.
emoticon

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