RAZRBKMOM   2,157
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fallen off again..

Thursday, May 22, 2014

5/22/14

I have fallen way behind on my sparking. I have had to cut several things out, and internet being one. I have access at work, but I stay so busy at work I don't have the chance (most days). This has been a year filled with lots of changes. Had to start chemo, and I am losing my hair. I have a 5 in'' bald spot on the back of my head, so we decided to cut my long hair off...it is not short, but it does hide the bald...but when I went for a trim yesterday I was told it is getting worse :( ... OH WELL, THERE ARE WORSE THINGS... My 17 yr old, now 18 was set to graduate in May....he blew that by being a "middle man" for a drug deal that happened on school grounds, got expelled with only 20 school days left for seniors, didn't graduate. Mine in prison has been thru one of my worst nightmares, he was attacked and ended up killing someone in self defense, then last week he was served papers where his ex wife is trying to have his daughter adopted. So what do I do...hire an attorney. With no help from anyone...but yet they want the right to see her if I win grandparents rights. I want so badly to be selfish and say I did this for Jason and me - you should have contributed financially if you want rights too....but I am trying to be the bigger and better person...I just scream when I go home at night. Tyler is still at his dads because there are no rules or consequences for his actions. That frustrates me but I have come to realize I can't change it. My weight is holding steady between 146-152 depending how much fluid I retain thanks to the steroids I have to take :( I can't exercise like I want because of the pain & zero energy. I do good to get up and go to work. I have all but given up all the things I enjoy. My daughter is going thru a divorce and is moving my grandson about a hour away :( As a parent you hate to see your children hurt. Even tho this might be best for them, it hurts her and my grandson. I never wanted him to go thru divorce no matter how "nice" his mom and dad are being to each other. I realize I can't control their lives either. At times I feel like I can't control my own. I know I was doing better when I was doing my SparkPeople every day. I just have to find a way to get back to it. I was holding myself more accountable. Now I just seem to eat what will go down, and if that is cream based soups, or mashed potatoes and gravy, then that is what I eat. Cooking for one is hard for me. limited funds makes that difficult also...
This is NOT the way I pictured my life when I thought about how I would be when I grew up!! I wanted to be married and a mom and healthy and happy. Boy did I miss that goal!!!! SO time to make some new ones!!!
I lost my best friend to cancer this yr. I fight so hard every day. And some days are better than others, but some the cancer just wins. I have to figure how to manage the chemo, and work and still feel good...ANY SUGGESTONS????
I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, I just have been stuck in my corner of the world...yall make me get out of it and get back to the land of the living....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CELEST 5/26/2014 9:39AM

    I never fail to think how strong you are to have survived what you have. I have not been anywhere near what you have survived and shudder to think how you must feel every day. You are amazing, Im not surprised that you have just enough energy to get to work. Keep plodding on, and take care of yourself.....this too will pass....and I hope that saying is true for you.

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it's been a year..

Thursday, November 28, 2013

It has been a year since I started on my journey. A year filled with ups and downs, and at times I didn't know if I was coming, going or already been. It has been a year filled with tears, laughs, highs lows and frustrations. I see the scale moving in the downward direction, but I don't see what everyone else sees. I feel the difference in my clothes, but when I look in the mirror I don't see the changes, I want to. But I just don't see what everyone else does. I have accomplished a lot, but there have been major set backs as well. I have learned I have the BEST friends in this world. I know I have family that I wasn't born into but they have taken me in and made me one of theirs. They refuse to let me be alone. They seem to know when I need someone without me saying a word,. I have learned I have no control of some things and I have to turn it over to God and trust him. I have let go of past hurts and resentments, I am going to have another granddaughter next year, I have been hurt more than I ever thought I could be by my children. I had to come to the conclusion that my 17 yr old was staying away because HE wanted to, not because he was being held hostage. I have leaned that my oldest just wasn't strong enough to handle the addictions that had a hold of him. I have learned that I was strong enough to handle him going to the penn and I will pray for him every day for his safety until he comes home. Pray that he is strong enough to handle what lies before him while in there. I have learned that I have to forgive. I don't have to forget!! I have learned that I have friends that will by me in good times and the worst of times. I wasn't sure I had those. I knew I had friends, but not the kind that would be there every single day. That would call or text or just stop by to make sure I was ok, to make sure I was eating,.. I have learned that I have to take responsibility for my actions that resulted in my divorce and for my 17 yr old leaving, and for my son being an addict. Sounds crazy, but yes I enabled him... I would like to think I wouldn't do it again...I would like to think that after the penn he would change and not want to go back, but I don't know. I have learned that I need to get my feelings out, and this is a good way to do it. I have learned that those of you who have read my blogs have had nothing but positive things to say to me. I am learning I am NOT a bad person... I am grateful for so much, I need to show it more. THANK YOU to all who have offered words of encouragement this past year. I have been to HELL, literal HELL but have come out on the other side. That's not to say I can't go back there but I damn sure don't want to. Keep the words of encouragement coming. Hold ME accountable. Help me stay on track....I have fallen off lately. Stress will do that to you.... IF YOU NEED HELP LET ME KNOW, I CAN LISTEN, I CAN PRAY FOR YOU!!!!

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN...its been a year of tears and fears, I want the fears and tears gone, and smiles and happiness to replace them....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOKWERME 11/28/2013 12:32PM

    All of us keep learning daily...and as you have looked back at the last year, what a lot of positive things are revealed in your reflections. Hope this next year will have good things for you to build upon. emoticon

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CELEST 11/28/2013 11:45AM

    I'm so glad to hear you have come through this rough rough rough patch. You are stronger than you imagined and its awesome to have friends so good. The bible calls them "friends sticking closer than a brother, and born for a disaster". Keep your head up and stay strong.

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BTRX71 11/28/2013 2:13AM

    Beautiful and powerful blog. It is when you are going through hell you that you find your inner strength and true support. I see you have found both. Lean on them and allow them to help you move forward. Give thanks for how far you've come. I wish you better, happier, healthier days ahead. Happy Thanksgiving.

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JENNY888 11/28/2013 1:17AM

    I wish you a year filled with many smiles and much happiness. You have written an excellent blog and I hope many read it. Happy Thanksgiving!

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My heart broke into a million pieces

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

The day I knew was coming, came. I was not prepared. I cried all day. I got the message Jason had been transferred from county jail to prison. I couldn't control the tears. I was at work and I just wanted to go home and curl up in my bed. I had gotten to see him on Friday but I wasn't prepared. I thought I was, but let me tell you I wasn't. I checked the website and there was his new picture. He looked so scared and that hurt me even more. I know what he is facing and I'm terrified for him. He will have to fight to survive. I check his te date daily...several times a day. So with Jason gone I am truly alone now. Tyler decided to move in with his dad in may. And since moving in with his dad I have only seen Tyler 1 time. Hurts, and that is a understatement. I have felt like a total failure not just w Jason but w Tyler too. My reasons for getting up are gone. I have struggled. I have wanted to just not be here any more. I tried to get into my doctor because I recognize depression but he's on vacation for 3 weeks... I feel like I failed both my boys. Jason is in jail...that means my drug addict, alcoholic son put a gun to someone's head and threatened to pull the trigger if he didn't give him the tv and DVD player...I still have trouble with that.... Then there is Tyler. He doesn't even want to see me. He doesn't call. He doesn't let me know about anything about his senior yr. I'm completely shut out. He doesn't even visit. He is now believing things that aren't true. I can't fight it. He lived w me for 17 years and now I'm a liar, thief, drug dealer, drug head....the list goes on but that's the hi light. How did I not see the signs? How did I miss it so bad? I just want my kids back. Healthy and happy....that's a long ways away..... Good Lord be with Jason & me while we go thru this......

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CELEST 11/5/2013 10:38AM

    My heart truly goes out to you....but somewhere deep inside yourself you need to know that you didnt ask your sons to do what they did. I know this first hand, having experience my parents battle with my younger brother and only son. He went wayward, became a drug addict and did all the things druggies do to get their fix. While my parents weren't perfect (who is?) they did not make him who his is. All their daughters turned out okay.
Try and see another Dr, any Dr can prescribe something for deep depression and is it possible for you to get counseling to get you through this?
Tyler may still grow up and return to you, if you haven't fallen apart by then.
Please do your utmost to look after your mind and body...you are all you have left..for now.

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JOHNMARTINMILES 11/5/2013 7:57AM

    One day at a time is all you can do. If you can'd do a whole day, do an hour. Chin up and remain as positive as possible.

Make Today the Greatest Day of Your Life

emoticon Until Tomorrow!

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damaged.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

emoticon That is me this week... I guess I need to start out by saying I was adopted and that has always left me feeling like I was not lovable. I mean if the people who created you or carried you don't want you than who else is there that will love you?? Not rational. I know this but in my heart, it doesn't feel like it. I never felt love from my adopted mom. I never heard I love you, I never got hugs, I felt as if I was walking on egg shells all the time around her. My adopted dad, our relationship had to grow. But it did. I can remember him begging me not to marry the man I did. Then I can remember him about 10 years into the marriage begging me to leave, little did I know he knew things I didn't. He never told me what he knew until after I got out. I spent 21 years in a emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. I took on his 3 children from his first marriage raised them as my own, since he had full custody and she wasn't around. We had two. But I can still hear the words, "your fat, & ugly & no one will ever want you when I am done with you. You will be alone forever. You will drive your children away. You are a worthless *itch. The only thing you are good for is sex." the list goes on and on...I couldn't figure out why yesterday I was so emotional. I cried all day. Went home went straight to my bed. Cried some more. Then it hit me what the date was...7 years ago we were officially divorced. 7 years....I have had 7 years alone, missed out on 7 years of my oldest 2 grandsons lives because his oldest daughter decided I was bad afterall... but she had stayed with me after he left until the day before we went to court. Now my youngest who is a senior this year is living out there. I don't hear from him, just reinforces the your a bad mother....my oldest is in jail...again reinforces I am the bad one. My dad will be gone 7 years on Aug 3, the night of the 5k. I feel extremely alone. I have tried hard this year to make a lot of changes -- yes those have to come from within...but I am feeling damaged. Feeling like he might have been right. I may have been damaged all along. Maybe that is why my mother & my mom didn't love me. I have searched out my birth mom. I know where she lives, I have seen her, she chooses not to have a relationship with me. Just leaves me feeling unloved...damaged goods...she would never tell me anything about my bio father. I don't have a clue. I have so many questions and no one to go to for the answers. I know I don't like the feeling I have inside right now. It's empty, hollow, lonely, alone, worthless, damaged...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MUSETTE29 8/4/2013 4:42PM

    I read this several days after you wrote it--I truly hope you are feeling better today. I came to see your page because of some lovely and encouraging words you wrote on another's page, and wanted to "meet" the person behind those words. We're all walking wounded, aren't we, to some degree. Your support of another hurting person showed me your inner goodness, and the fact that you can reach out to someone else in spite of your own pain shines out. Courage, my dear. You may be damaged, but you are not broken. You can heal, you can face tomorrow. emoticon

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AMANDANCES 7/21/2013 5:12PM

    NO -- STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!

You can't judge a person, or really understand them, unless you ARE that person. Your birth mother's attitude toward you is NOT a reflection of you, it's a reflection of her. She may avoid you because she's ashamed, not of you but of herself. She also may avoid you because she figures she would just be a disappointment to you. Who knows -- but it is NOT a reflection on you.

Your children are not you, and their mistakes are NOT a reflection of your personal worth. We HAVE to raise our children to make their own decisions and sometimes they make the wrong ones. All we can do is love them, like you are doing, and pray that they make better decisions in the future. THAT is what good mothers do, and you're doing it. The fact that your youngest is living with the ex -- there could be a LOT of reasons for that, including maybe he's got a girlfriend that lives near the ex. NONE of this means you're a bad mother.

Sorry to say this, but your ex is a jerk. He saw you were hurting and manipulated you to feel bad about yourself. HE IS THE BAD PERSON -- HE acted maliciously. It isn't your fault you fell for a jerk -- they are just plain predators, and most of them are really good at picking out their prey.

YOU have made the decision to start over. You get out of bed every day and press on. You want to hide, but you don't. You go on living, and that is what SUCCESSFUL GOOD PEOPLE do. They push through the pain and work on healing themselves. YOU are doing this, which means you ARE NOT a bad person.

You WERE damaged. But you didn't break, no matter how much the Ex and the people you love put you through. You're hurting, not broken. Allow yourself time to heal and recognize that YOU aren't the problem. Other people are going to be jerks -- we can't do anything about their behavior. We can only change ourselves. Embrace the wonderful person you are. Embrace the love you are still able to have for people who can't seem to appreciate it. YOU are not the problem. Don't let them get you thinking that.

DON'T YOU DARE THINK YOU ARE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A BEAUTIFUL PERSON WHO HAS A LOT TO OFFER THIS WORLD AND HER FRIENDS!!!!!

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CALLMESHOP 7/17/2013 3:55PM

    I'm really sad to hear that you have been so mentally destroyed. You are not worthless and the actions of others are not always a reflection of you as a person. My cousin was in an abusive relationship much like yours and her ex kept her fat and broke her down so that she felt much like you do. When she finally decided to leave he turned their young children against her and wouldnt let her see them. I know she has felt everything you feel and it has taken a long time but she is beginning to heal and accept that she cannot control the actions of others. All you can do is be the best person you can be and hope that your children eventually see where the poison is coming from (and no its not you).

With regard to your parents, its unfortunate that your birth mom does not want to be a part of your life, but its not you as a person. Some people are just not up to being parents. Instead try to focus on the positive: Your birth mom made the brave decision to give you up for adoption rather than aborting you and killing you before you even had a chance to live. Also, (and I may be completely wrong) you were lucky enough to have a birth mom who took care of you physically and raised you properly - you didn't have to bounce from foster home to foster home and be physically or sexually abused. It also sounds like your adoptive dad cared quite a bit about you. Maybe your adoptive parents weren't gushing with love, but I'm sure they loved you.

Getting answers about your birth father will not make you feel better. Perhaps your birth mom didn't want to talk about your father because he was a jerk who took off and abandoned her. Perhaps she was raped. Or perhaps she doesn't remember. But will the answer help you in any positive way?

Focus on the positive and the people around you that love you and benefit your life. You are not worthless. You are beautiful, smart and very loveable!

Comment edited on: 7/17/2013 3:57:17 PM

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WELSTEACH 7/17/2013 3:34PM

    Saying this out loud is a release, but saying it so that you can change that inner voice will make changes. Changes are better than venting. Find someone to talk to who cares about you, a pastor, friend, counselor, sibling. Someone. Don't carry this burden alone.

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CLOSETLIBRARIAN 7/17/2013 3:24PM

    Nobody is worthless. Nobody. Please please seek therapy and learn to love yourself.

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MJRVIC2000 7/17/2013 3:14PM

    YOUR PAST IS BEHIND YOU AND YOUR FUTURE IS BEFORE YOU! You can't change your past but you can certainly do something about your future. God Bless YOU. Vic.

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