Thursday, May 22, 2014
I have fallen way behind on my sparking. I have had to cut several things out, and internet being one. I have access at work, but I stay so busy at work I don't have the chance (most days). This has been a year filled with lots of changes. Had to start chemo, and I am losing my hair. I have a 5 in'' bald spot on the back of my head, so we decided to cut my long hair off...it is not short, but it does hide the bald...but when I went for a trim yesterday I was told it is getting worse :( ... OH WELL, THERE ARE WORSE THINGS... My 17 yr old, now 18 was set to graduate in May....he blew that by being a "middle man" for a drug deal that happened on school grounds, got expelled with only 20 school days left for seniors, didn't graduate. Mine in prison has been thru one of my worst nightmares, he was attacked and ended up killing someone in self defense, then last week he was served papers where his ex wife is trying to have his daughter adopted. So what do I do...hire an attorney. With no help from anyone...but yet they want the right to see her if I win grandparents rights. I want so badly to be selfish and say I did this for Jason and me - you should have contributed financially if you want rights too....but I am trying to be the bigger and better person...I just scream when I go home at night. Tyler is still at his dads because there are no rules or consequences for his actions. That frustrates me but I have come to realize I can't change it. My weight is holding steady between 146-152 depending how much fluid I retain thanks to the steroids I have to take :( I can't exercise like I want because of the pain & zero energy. I do good to get up and go to work. I have all but given up all the things I enjoy. My daughter is going thru a divorce and is moving my grandson about a hour away :( As a parent you hate to see your children hurt. Even tho this might be best for them, it hurts her and my grandson. I never wanted him to go thru divorce no matter how "nice" his mom and dad are being to each other. I realize I can't control their lives either. At times I feel like I can't control my own. I know I was doing better when I was doing my SparkPeople every day. I just have to find a way to get back to it. I was holding myself more accountable. Now I just seem to eat what will go down, and if that is cream based soups, or mashed potatoes and gravy, then that is what I eat. Cooking for one is hard for me. limited funds makes that difficult also...
This is NOT the way I pictured my life when I thought about how I would be when I grew up!! I wanted to be married and a mom and healthy and happy. Boy did I miss that goal!!!! SO time to make some new ones!!!
I lost my best friend to cancer this yr. I fight so hard every day. And some days are better than others, but some the cancer just wins. I have to figure how to manage the chemo, and work and still feel good...ANY SUGGESTONS????
I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, I just have been stuck in my corner of the world...yall make me get out of it and get back to the land of the living....
Thursday, November 28, 2013
It has been a year since I started on my journey. A year filled with ups and downs, and at times I didn't know if I was coming, going or already been. It has been a year filled with tears, laughs, highs lows and frustrations. I see the scale moving in the downward direction, but I don't see what everyone else sees. I feel the difference in my clothes, but when I look in the mirror I don't see the changes, I want to. But I just don't see what everyone else does. I have accomplished a lot, but there have been major set backs as well. I have learned I have the BEST friends in this world. I know I have family that I wasn't born into but they have taken me in and made me one of theirs. They refuse to let me be alone. They seem to know when I need someone without me saying a word,. I have learned I have no control of some things and I have to turn it over to God and trust him. I have let go of past hurts and resentments, I am going to have another granddaughter next year, I have been hurt more than I ever thought I could be by my children. I had to come to the conclusion that my 17 yr old was staying away because HE wanted to, not because he was being held hostage. I have leaned that my oldest just wasn't strong enough to handle the addictions that had a hold of him. I have learned that I was strong enough to handle him going to the penn and I will pray for him every day for his safety until he comes home. Pray that he is strong enough to handle what lies before him while in there. I have learned that I have to forgive. I don't have to forget!! I have learned that I have friends that will by me in good times and the worst of times. I wasn't sure I had those. I knew I had friends, but not the kind that would be there every single day. That would call or text or just stop by to make sure I was ok, to make sure I was eating,.. I have learned that I have to take responsibility for my actions that resulted in my divorce and for my 17 yr old leaving, and for my son being an addict. Sounds crazy, but yes I enabled him... I would like to think I wouldn't do it again...I would like to think that after the penn he would change and not want to go back, but I don't know. I have learned that I need to get my feelings out, and this is a good way to do it. I have learned that those of you who have read my blogs have had nothing but positive things to say to me. I am learning I am NOT a bad person... I am grateful for so much, I need to show it more. THANK YOU to all who have offered words of encouragement this past year. I have been to HELL, literal HELL but have come out on the other side. That's not to say I can't go back there but I damn sure don't want to. Keep the words of encouragement coming. Hold ME accountable. Help me stay on track....I have fallen off lately. Stress will do that to you.... IF YOU NEED HELP LET ME KNOW, I CAN LISTEN, I CAN PRAY FOR YOU!!!!
THANK YOU ALL AGAIN...its been a year of tears and fears, I want the fears and tears gone, and smiles and happiness to replace them....
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
That is me this week... I guess I need to start out by saying I was adopted and that has always left me feeling like I was not lovable. I mean if the people who created you or carried you don't want you than who else is there that will love you?? Not rational. I know this but in my heart, it doesn't feel like it. I never felt love from my adopted mom. I never heard I love you, I never got hugs, I felt as if I was walking on egg shells all the time around her. My adopted dad, our relationship had to grow. But it did. I can remember him begging me not to marry the man I did. Then I can remember him about 10 years into the marriage begging me to leave, little did I know he knew things I didn't. He never told me what he knew until after I got out. I spent 21 years in a emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. I took on his 3 children from his first marriage raised them as my own, since he had full custody and she wasn't around. We had two. But I can still hear the words, "your fat, & ugly & no one will ever want you when I am done with you. You will be alone forever. You will drive your children away. You are a worthless *itch. The only thing you are good for is sex." the list goes on and on...I couldn't figure out why yesterday I was so emotional. I cried all day. Went home went straight to my bed. Cried some more. Then it hit me what the date was...7 years ago we were officially divorced. 7 years....I have had 7 years alone, missed out on 7 years of my oldest 2 grandsons lives because his oldest daughter decided I was bad afterall... but she had stayed with me after he left until the day before we went to court. Now my youngest who is a senior this year is living out there. I don't hear from him, just reinforces the your a bad mother....my oldest is in jail...again reinforces I am the bad one. My dad will be gone 7 years on Aug 3, the night of the 5k. I feel extremely alone. I have tried hard this year to make a lot of changes -- yes those have to come from within...but I am feeling damaged. Feeling like he might have been right. I may have been damaged all along. Maybe that is why my mother & my mom didn't love me. I have searched out my birth mom. I know where she lives, I have seen her, she chooses not to have a relationship with me. Just leaves me feeling unloved...damaged goods...she would never tell me anything about my bio father. I don't have a clue. I have so many questions and no one to go to for the answers. I know I don't like the feeling I have inside right now. It's empty, hollow, lonely, alone, worthless, damaged...
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