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Not a love-hate problem, more one of understanding.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I received such an outpouring of love this past week when I had to say farewell to my daddy after assisting him these past 7 years after we lost mom.

( I hate that expression - always makes me think I took Mom to the mall and lost her! )

My dad despised fat. I cannot remember a time that he didn't harangue me for my weight; me and mama both. I felt unworthy for most of my childhood and felt I was undesirable as a mate.

7 years ago my father's only brother came to visit and as I sat there in disbelief I heard him utter these words to my dad, "you were so fat as a child, Paul." I thought to myself, "well crap!"

3 years ago I discovered I am the only sibling to share type A+ blood with Dad - we are chock full of platelets! Thick blood!! Stroke & Heart Attack People!! I returned to SparkPeople and worked the program with a vengeance.

How many times my dad said, "you won't do it; you can't do it" and I always replied - "wait for it!" My dad saw me reach 175, 150, 125 and finally 115 in amazement. How can it be that I was having to eat so much to lose weight he would tell people. He'd shake his head and brag on me to anyone foolish enough to sit and listen, lol. It turned him around.

I remember telling him 7 years ago that a thin person could not take better care of him than the fat person I was. I had accepted myself and if being fat was the worst people can say of me, I was "good to go!!"

I cannot hate my father for handling my weight problem the way he did - he didn't know any better. But now I can understand that he too suffered for his being pudgy - he wasn't even fat!, just a little pudgy - and at 82 years of age he was still being reminded of it. More's the pity.

I just didn't want anyone to think my daddy had abused me - it was 'only' mental abuse about my size. But I am a bigger person for it ( sorry, couldn't resist ) and I understand now. He was proud of me for losing all this weight - but he was proud of me for more important things than my outer shell - he was proud that I could be a caring child assisting him daily but still allowing him his independence and his pride.

**I really do understand - I actually felt sorry for my dad when I realized he had been abused verbally. This brave man who suffered antisemitism while fighting to keep this great country free in WWII - who was shot in action but refused to report it or put in for the Purple Heart because he simply couldn't accept a medal for living while so many of his buddies died - really was just trying to help me/us. We all know that doesn't work, only makes it worse, but he did the best he could. As hurt as I ever was, he never failed to show his undying love - it just came with a price. Life is like that, life isn't fair and we're not all goddesses & Adonis's on the outside - but we all have the capacity to be goddesses & Adonis's on the inside!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COOKWITHME65 6/1/2011 1:27PM

    Such a wonderful outpouring of love and understanding. emoticon

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BRIGHTSPARK7 5/30/2011 8:19PM

    Linda, thank you for this beautiful blog. You are beautiful inside and out; you show so much understanding and acceptance of your father. And I truly admire the physical transformation you have wrought in your life. Thanks for being here to inspire us to have greater understanding for others in our lives.

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WATERMELLEN 5/30/2011 7:51PM

    What a thoughtful and moving blog. You truly understand the situation and that has brought you peace and acceptance. Good for you.

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SLENDERELLA61 5/30/2011 5:50PM

    You are wise and insightful. Your understanding and forgiveness are beautiful. That is a great way to live, Linda. I admire you so very much.

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EUPHRATES 5/29/2011 11:43PM

    emoticon

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DINGALLSTOO 5/29/2011 9:10AM

    My family has done similar things so I totally understand. Right now they seem worried that I might lose too much and yet I am the same weight as when they called me EllieEliphant as a teen. In my family's case, I'm the only one who was obese. (NOTanymore!) Glad you have an understanding of the root cause. AND WOW thanks to your Dad for his service. Or freedom this special weekend is because of men like him. (((Hugs))) meant OUR freedom

Comment edited on: 5/29/2011 9:12:44 AM

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SOULOFADANCER 5/28/2011 10:04PM

    emoticon

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SISSYB3 5/28/2011 5:48PM

    Dear Linda, my heart goes out to you on the loss of your father. Bless you for your compassion and your understanding. I am dealing with my father, a WWII vet who was one of the soldiers who were the first into Dachau. He's 85 and recently lost his second wife. Dealing with him has been challenging and your example helps a lot. emoticonRenee

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LYNNE311 5/28/2011 3:24PM

    I am sure my son will remind me of all of my mistakes, just like I did with my Dad. My Dad was always pestering me to lose weight, too. He was so preoccupied with my outer shell, that I truly believed I was unlovable. Of course he loved me greatly, he just didn't know how to handle the situation without doing more damage.

My son is at a perfect weight for his height. I know how to handle him and his eating, because I've had to reparent myself on this issue. But I fear I am making mistakes in other areas. He is very argumentative and I don't know how to help him improve his communications. So now the shoe is on the other foot, and I realize how hard it must've been for my Dad to see me making mistakes, and be so unsure of how to help me fix it.

None of us knows all the answers. I'm happy for you that you seem at peace with your yourself and your Dad. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.

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SPRINGBREEZI 5/28/2011 2:51PM

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings as you cope with the changes grief brings. Sending a hug to you. emoticon

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DESTINYE 5/28/2011 10:55AM

    So sorry for your loss (I was out of town) and hope you have reached a place of peace with everything, it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about it all though.

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CLEVERSPIDER 5/28/2011 12:44AM

    good points. Very thoughtful.

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LILYBELLE8 5/27/2011 9:27PM

    Thanks so much for sharing your wonderfully insightful thoughts about your Dad. It helps me remember to keep working on my muddled relationship with my own father, now many years passed, for what I perceived as a child to be unforgiveable - an alcoholic. I'm coming to grips with it, slowly but surely and your sweet comments about your own dad remind me that, just like your dad, mine did the best he could with what he had to work with. I appreciate hearing your sweet analysis of a complex issue that first forms in our childhood minds - and knowing that forgiveness it is never too late to understand the power of forgiving.!

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ITS_MY_TURN_NOW 5/27/2011 8:47PM

    Wow...
Your father had an amazing daughter! He was a lucky man. You are an inspiration. Thank you.
emoticon
Julee

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JSMILE50 5/27/2011 7:28PM

    Beautiful thoughts.

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GERMANIRISHGIRL 5/27/2011 6:41PM

    Great blog! emoticon

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LIZABETT 5/27/2011 5:22PM

    emoticon Linda. We live and learn, and become more understanding and caring. emoticon emoticon

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QTEALADY20031 5/27/2011 4:37PM

    Yes, you are very kind hearted to understand that your father did the best he had with what he had to work with....obviously he did not want you to be fat because of his obesity. Congratulations on your weight loss and thank you for sharing. June emoticon

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 5/27/2011 2:37PM

    Great blog....thanks for sharing about your mixed feelings about your dad. You are right...he did the best he could with the knowledge he had.

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MARTY19 5/27/2011 2:27PM

    I was always harder on myself for my weight then my parents were. Neither of them had a weight problem but they were never critical to me. I suffered in school - never had home. All people have faults. I older I get the more I understand this simple fact.

Love you
Marty

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MSLZZY 5/27/2011 2:04PM

    emoticon

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OLDERDANDRT 5/27/2011 12:39PM

    emoticon

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VIRGOTEX 5/27/2011 11:05AM

    Thanks for giving of yourself in this post.

It was good for me to read this today. Like most of us, I've gone through multiple weight loss experiences, a couple of them where I lost a great deal of weight. As I've started out on this NEW journey this time, I've been thinking back to those times, and how much they taught me about other people, good and bad. How rare it has been to get the exact kind of support I needed from others at the exact time I needed it, how imperfect people can be, how insensitive and clumsy, etc. when they treated me so much better the thinner I got, how they said things about how I used to be that told me they didn't realize I was the exact same person I'd always been. How I (we) have to struggle not only with my (our) own issues about weight and food and appearance, but sometimes have to do that extra work of being understanding of other peoples', at the very time I (we) need them to help us.

And how difficult that all is. And how there's not much we can do about it because all of us humans are imperfect and flawed. It's just the way we are. It's the way the world is.

I needed to be reminded about acceptance of all that. And your post did that and I'm grateful.

And on this Memorial Day weekend, I'll be thinking of your dad and all the others who sacrificed for us.

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MAWDOT35 5/27/2011 10:14AM

    Too bad that an instruction manual doesn't come with the baby! Parents just do the best they can in raising their children. I, for one, have made many errors in raising our son. I wish I could take back some of the things I've said and done.

You are so right about the forgiveness thing! It is so freeing to just let go of it!
Wishing you God's blessings as you go through this time of mourning.
Dorothy

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MARTY728 5/27/2011 10:08AM

    Great blog!

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LESLIES537 5/27/2011 9:41AM

    Great blog! Your forgiveness is inspiring! Thank you for sharing your story. You are one amazing lady! emoticon

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LIBBYFITZ 5/27/2011 9:25AM

    You are right, our parents did what they thought was the right thing to do! I don't think they had any idea how hurtful some of those off the cuff remarks are to growing children. We all deal with it in our own personal way. emoticon

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 5/27/2011 9:07AM

    YES... exactly what your friend, Dottiejane1 says... your example is fantastic, Linda! People don't understand why I'm kind to my bio dad after all the crap he did to us kids... but... he did not know any better no matter how much money he made, or how educated he was. Forgiveness is the most healing, freeing thing I've experienced in life... well, besides kicking the Underdog's tail in a challenge, that is! emoticon

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DOTTIEJANE1 5/27/2011 8:50AM

    Linda, you understand to forgive . WOW if only most people only could/would what a difference in life it makes.You have joy in know who you are .

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MEADSBAY 5/27/2011 8:43AM

    We just have to forgive all those people who, through pure ignorance, thought they could somehow change us through shame or criticism.
They just plain old did not understand the hurt they were causing.
You, my dear, are the light at the end of my tunnel.

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RED_WRITINGHOOD 5/27/2011 8:34AM

    I'm really sorry to hear about your father's passing. You are in our thoughts. It must of felt so wonderful for you to hear him praise you like that.

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SPOKENWORD 5/27/2011 8:22AM

    Wow! What a beautiful blog! Thank you for sharing! To Sedonacat, no it doesn't sound strange. I get it! :) All well said!

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ERIN1957 5/27/2011 8:17AM

    Power in understanding enough to forgive.

They did what they did, because much to do with their generation, and losing their power and feeling powerless in a world of perfection in the eyes of another.
In reality they did what they knew. Today we have many tools to not do what we knew or know. We are not better than any of them, we are different and we have so much more tools and can admit we need these tools and pride does not get in our way, when we do not allow it to.

Evolving to this founded understanding is true healing and maturity in your life journey.

Love you,
Erin

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TRYINGHARD1948 5/27/2011 8:14AM

    Linda I think many of us have those voices from a parent or a sibling telling us something unwanted, but thankfully Sparks can throw a light on what we need to know and how we can achieve what we want to and deserve to be. You are an inspiration to so many of us; to show us your humanity only allows us to know that we are all capable of overcoming the history that we all carry. Thank you for sharing. emoticon

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NEW-CAZ 5/27/2011 8:14AM

    Linda I remember being bullied by parents and so called school chums so far back and I remember not feeling worthy and continually worried for my health too.
It's time to put those feeling to rest with the old you you've left behind
Your are lean and healthy and you have a wonderful life ahead of you. Appreciate each day.
You've shown much courage recently and I'm sure your dad is so SO proud of the you you've become.
Look forward- not back! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SEDONACAT 5/27/2011 8:04AM

    This is going to sound strange but maybe it was his way of trying to keep you from the verbal abuse he'd gotten as a child. You know, if he pointed it out to you all the time, well, you'd just go off and lose the wt and his "plan" would have worked. I know it sounds weird & I'm probably not getting it across.

You did a great job with your wt. loss and as a daughter. I wish you peace and healing.
Deena

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SUSIEPH1 5/27/2011 7:26AM

    Ohh Sweetie, I too had to listen to my parents harague me to loose weight .. I was so skinny all my childhood from constant illness (Asthma Attacks) it wasn't till I was older and I put the weight on ..This was mainly due to steroids .. I was on 15 mgs a day of Cortisone It saved my live but left me so huge at 145 kilos ...
they made me feel so unworthy and a freak .. and no matter what I did to try and loose the weight, I just couldn't until the doctors changed my meds to a new drug that came out !.
So I do know where you are coming from ...
Try to put it all behind you !! it is in the past ..
You now have future to take care of.
I know you are strong... as you looked after your father for so long .. so I know you can do this ... Love and Hugs Susie

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My daddy was the bravest man I knew.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Thank you all for your prayers, your hugs, your virtual sympathy bouquet spark goodies.

Yesterday the world lost the best cheesecake baker known to man. In 1973 the NY Village Voice declared his cheesecake to be the best in New York City. He was interviewed on ABC by Bob Lape, a food critic. It was the first time Bob Lape ever took a 2nd bite when he interviewed someone - at least that is what he told my dad - the cheesecake was so good that he had to take a 2nd bite.

He will be missed by many for his humor, his laughter and of course, his cheesecake. The wondrous creations he could make with a little flour and water. I told people that I could make all his creations with the same recipe. They would say, "no way, how do you make danish, cheesecake, bread, etc. with the same recipe??"

All it ever took was, "daddy, I'm all out of ..." and it made whatever I desired. Just one simple recipe, "daddy, I'm all out of..."

I need some time to mourn - but I will be back sparking as soon as possible. My daddy always needed his "routine" to keep going. I too will get back to my routines as soon as possible.

I can do it!

For anyone curious, here is a link for where it says the recipe was voted # 1. You'd have to buy the Juniors Book to see my dad - not really worth it - I will post the picture in a later blog.
books.google.com/books?id=UjgpRho4Vk
oC&pg=PA4&lpg=PA4&dq=village+voice+jul
y+26+1973&source=bl&ots=zmQRdq8WA6&sig
=n71Kt6dx35tiSWvGJvpwaMcjYIE&hl=en&ei=
RX7hTY2fNOH20gGp4PSMBw&sa=X&oi=book_re
sult&ct=result&resnum=10&ved=0CFIQ6AEw
CQ#v=onepage&q=village%20voice%20july%2026%201973&f=false


Read where it says, "We're Number 1!" It was the Village Voice column that had Bob Lape interviewing my dad, he was the Master Pastry Chef at Juniors and his specialty was the Cheesecake.

He told me the other day that so many times he would barely make it home from work and the phone would ring - they were out of cheesecake and he had to go back!

People that grew up in the Great Depression had work ethics we no longer see. I was raised that if I took a job, regardless of pay, I was supposed to do the best job I could. I was also raised as a child that if I babysat for someone I was not to demand money but accept whatever was offered. I am thankful for my upbringing. I learned early-on and was reminded daily that the world does not revolve around me. I am not the center of the universe.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MONGO2TEN 6/4/2011 6:54AM

    I am so sorry for your loss:( Prayers for comfort - and hugs to you. Your daddy sounds like a wonderful father, I know he'll be missed.

~Nancy

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LIVNFITNHAPPY 6/3/2011 8:27PM

    Dear Linda,
Words cannot adequately express my feelings right now. I want to send you an all-encompassing Love that will lift you in this time of sadness. I also know that during this time there is a special awareness that comes. It is filled with memories and understanding that surpasses our everyday awareness. It is very special. May you receive all the support you need and treasure the bond you had with your Dad. During these last few years on Spark, I could tell how much you have done for him and how he must treasure YOU!!! I Do! emoticonJanet

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TUDI4480 5/31/2011 11:40PM

    Linda, I know this is a pivotal moment in every child's life, no matter the age, when a parent moves on to another realm. Thanks for the info on your Dad and his #1 cheesecake.

As always, take care of you.

emoticon emoticon

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LYNNE311 5/29/2011 10:59PM

    Wow, I read the article on your Dad's cheesecake. What's really amazing is the section on troubleshooting your problems with cheesecakes. Very informative, I'm saving this for future reference.

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KATHYPETERSON62 5/29/2011 10:57AM

    Firstly, sorry for your great loss, but reading this post I seem to think you have peace in knowing that your Dad is in a better place and one day again you will be with him.

He would be so proud that you are sharing his tribute here - he was evidently a truly wonderful person, and so are you! emoticon

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FITFABME2 5/29/2011 12:03AM

    He sounds like a wonderful man. So sorry for you...and I came to your page after seeing you had achieved your weight loss goal - I wanted to congratulate you. What an emotional roller coaster you must be riding this week.

Appropriate that it is Memorial Day...you will always remember your dad at the end of May especially in the future, I would imagine.

And, if you don't mind me saying...Woo Hoo for you hitting your weight loss goal. Great going!!

You will get back to your routine before you know it. emoticon

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LYNNE311 5/28/2011 3:09PM

    Now your father's heavenly cheescake will be food for the angels. Your writing is a real tribute to your Dad. He will stay near you for about a year (at least my Dad did, anyway)I still feel him, but he seems a little more distant. I think they want to be sure we're okay, and maybe it's hard for them to say goodbye, too. Okay, I'm crying again, gotta go. Best wishes. emoticon

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MILLIE5522 5/27/2011 10:38AM

    Thinking of you at this sad time.
You are an inspiration in so many ways to so many people and having such a lovely Dad sounds like he must have helped in making you the person you are. I wish you all the best.

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BRIGHTSPARK7 5/26/2011 11:08PM

    Dear Linda, you continue to inspire us with your love for your dear Dad. A sweet tribute to that love.

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GOIN4GR8 5/26/2011 10:42PM

    I'll bet your Dad is so very proud of you ... I'm sorry for your loss and glad for his peace.

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COOKWITHME65 5/26/2011 9:25PM

    I have been without the internet for two days and logged on to enter my food for the past few days and check to see how you were doing. Mixed feeling to see that he has past. Glad that he is with your Mom and no longer in pain and sad that you are dealing with this. What a great thing you did. I;m so very positive he was greatly appreciative of everything you did. So very sorry fot your families loss. When things settle down, get down and dirty in the kitchen and recreate his cheesecake recipe, take pictures and share pictures with us all if you see fit.

emoticon - Kristan

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WATERMELLEN 5/26/2011 9:11PM

    What a sweet blog. Your dad would smile to read it. All parents want their children to feel that way about them.

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DINGALLSTOO 5/26/2011 8:29PM

    so sorry, wish we could have tried that cheesecake.

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SLENDERELLA61 5/26/2011 12:34PM

    Deepest sympathies on the loss of your brave daddy. You are an inspiration in how well you handled this terribly difficult situation. Your daddy was truly blessed to have you with him during this time. My daddy has been gone 6 years, but I think of him with love every day. - Marsha

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IFDEEVARUNS2 5/26/2011 10:23AM

    So sorry for your loss. emoticon

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LIBBYFITZ 5/26/2011 10:21AM

    emoticonThank you for making the effort to blog today. Look forward to hearing from you when you are ready to do so.

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MUVFASTA 5/26/2011 9:56AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

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ANDREWS_MOM 5/26/2011 8:40AM

    I'm so sorry for you loss.
My prayers & thoughts are with your family.
I'm sure your dad is up inHraven smiling down on you right now!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MIKAEELA 5/26/2011 8:34AM

    My deepest sympathy, dear Linda!!! God bless you!

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MISSM66 5/26/2011 7:36AM

    very very sorry, emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MSLZZY 5/26/2011 7:33AM

    My sympathy to you and your family-hugs!

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MARTY728 5/26/2011 7:31AM

    My condolences on your loss. Thoughts and prayers sent. Among his family, friends and those who had the pleasure of enjoying his wonderful cheesecake your Father will be missed but never forgotten. emoticon emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 5/26/2011 5:08AM

    Ohh Darling !
I grieve with you ...it is so hard to lose a Daddy and a Mum...
Try to think of the fact that he has no more pain ... Love and Hugs Susie emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/26/2011 5:09:15 AM

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 5/26/2011 4:40AM

    You're in my thoughts and prayers Linda. Now your daddy is at peace! You were his angel in the end. Bright blessings to you both. emoticon emoticon

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ILSAWING 5/25/2011 11:29PM

    Linda, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you during this time.


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CLEVERSPIDER 5/25/2011 9:12PM

    Very sorry for your loss.

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GRALLEN 5/25/2011 8:24PM

    You take all the time you need sweetheart. And know in your heart of hearts we're all here for you.

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JERSEYGIRL24 5/25/2011 7:34PM

    Linda,

Totally understood. We will always be here for you. Someday when everything calms down I would love to know more about your father and Junior's Cheesecake. emoticon emoticon

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TRYINGHARD1948 5/25/2011 7:28PM

    Sorry to hear of your loss Linda.

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THEWINNER33 5/25/2011 4:31PM

    I am sorry for your loss. I lost my wonderful dad in 1976. God grant you peace and strength to accept your loss. Marcia

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GERMANIRISHGIRL 5/25/2011 4:21PM

    Linda,

I am so sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need for YOU.
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SPARKLEIIGHGAL 5/25/2011 3:56PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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REMODELINGPAT 5/25/2011 3:47PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Isn't it wonderful to have a daddy who you can count on! I always knew my daddy was there for me...whatever I did...
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Blessings!

Pat

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MYSLIMBODY 5/25/2011 3:35PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MARYANNGI 5/25/2011 2:38PM

    Sending emoticon and emoticon your way. Sounds like your dad was a wonderful man!

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T2SEE140 5/25/2011 2:27PM

  We'll be thinking of you. Take all the time you need. I'm sorry for your loss. *HUGS* emoticon

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 5/25/2011 2:24PM

    Take whatever time you need Linda....we'll be here when you come back.
Hugs,
Kay

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KLONG8 5/25/2011 2:17PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your father sounds like a great guy and a wonderful dad.

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PIXIEMOM13 5/25/2011 2:15PM

    From one Daddy's girl to another... I'm so sorry for your loss.

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REBECCAMA 5/25/2011 2:08PM

  SO sorry for your loss.

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KINSBAILE 5/25/2011 1:27PM

    I am sorry for your loss. I am glad he and you were brave to get through this time.



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OLDERDANDRT 5/25/2011 1:27PM

    emoticon You did right by him and I know he loved you and was so proud to have you with him all the way. You allowed him to come to this crossroads with dignity. Take all the time you need. I'm here for you.... emoticon So sorry for your loss.

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CICI510 5/25/2011 12:38PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your father sounded like an amazing man and I know he will be missed. emoticon

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KATWOMAN234 5/25/2011 12:03PM

    I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. The strengh and love you showed in the final part of his journey are amazing.
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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 5/25/2011 11:17AM

    Love to you and yours... what a special your Daddy was... we'll be here when you get back... and will be thinking of you...
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Comment edited on: 5/25/2011 11:17:39 AM

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BLESSEDGIGI 5/25/2011 10:56AM

    emoticon I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.

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SUGARBEHONEYPIE 5/25/2011 10:56AM

    Your daddy sounds wonderful! ((((Hugs)))) Thanks for sharing cherished memories.

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BEYOURBEST1 5/25/2011 10:48AM

   
May God give you peace and comfort in these very difficult times.


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VIKKIROWE 5/25/2011 10:42AM

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. He sounds awesome and I know you will miss him greatly. I may not have known him... but I do share one of his "other" greatest creations --- YOU! He is still with us, because there is you. . emoticon emoticon You are in my thoughts and prayers

Comment edited on: 5/25/2011 10:44:25 AM

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SPLASH1105 5/25/2011 10:31AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in my prayers.

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The rest of the story.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I relieved my dear BIL this morning to care for Dad today. He was bad fidgety so I gave him the anxiety medicine left for him.

He was fevered so I used a cold compress on his head and it had to be changed every few minutes. I was a bit distressed that I couldn't get him calmed when the Hospice Nurse arrived and she said she just had to use the potty and then we would take care of dad.

In just that couple of minutes, no more than 10 feet away, I came back and Pop was quiet - too quiet. I was checking his chest for breath when he moved his head. He looked so pale.

The Hospice Nurse listened to his heart, took blood pressure and finally his pulse but My Dad had gone on to be with Mom just that quickly. 5 days from his decision to stop dialysis to the end of his journey and he went in his sleep, cause will most likely be listed as renal failure.

I have no regrets and am thankful that he was allowed to choose the time and the place. Thank you for all your prayers and words of comfort. I feel so blessed right now.

Yes, there is a terrible void in my heart - but I will see him and Mom again when my time comes.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOIN4GR8 5/26/2011 10:41PM

    There was a sense of peace in this post, Linda--I'm glad for that. And I understand it.

My dad died similarly just a month ago. He wanted to die at home, and he did--right in his recliner, in his living room, holding my mother's hand as she stood next to his chair--quickly and hopefully peacefully. We know now that he's with his family in Heaven, and that will make him happy again.

Thanks for sharing your story of your father. Maybe I will cry tonight ... I don't feel like I've done that enough yet.

Laurie

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MAMADWARF 5/26/2011 9:55AM

    I love your attitude about this. My dad passed to be with my mom on Valentine's day 6 years ago. I just thought it was soooo, well, him. I am happy you had time to say good bye and be there with him. You will never regret that time. Im sorry you are an "orphan" like me but I love being able to hear the peace in your voice. Your memories will comfort you, I guarantee it....Jan

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LESLIES537 5/26/2011 9:47AM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SPARKLEIIGHGAL 5/25/2011 3:55PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard when it comes but a relief that they are suffering no more. emoticon emoticon

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 5/25/2011 2:22PM

    How fortunate he was able to make the choice he made and that he was supported by you and other members of his family. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and in the days to come.
Hugs,
Kay

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OLDERDANDRT 5/25/2011 1:20PM

    emoticon

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WATERMELLEN 5/25/2011 7:48AM

    My condolences on your loss.

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ONEKIDSMOM 5/25/2011 7:30AM

    While I am sorry for your loss, I am so glad your dad got to make some important choices. So glad he was surrounded by loved ones, and in a familiar place. May your gift to him bless you with comfort from now until you next see him and your mom!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MIZCATHI 5/25/2011 7:01AM

    I am deeply sorry for your deep loss.

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ANNIEONLI 5/25/2011 6:57AM

    SO sorry for your loss Linda. You are in my prayers as you go through this difficult time of adjustment in your life. Be at peace.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BEYOURBEST1 5/25/2011 6:12AM

    I am sorry for your loss.

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LOPEYP 5/25/2011 6:08AM

    Your Dad is in a better place now. No more pain or discomfort. Take comfort in your memories. The pain will pass eventually. Sorry. emoticon

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HEALTHY4ME 5/25/2011 5:55AM

    Linda I am thinking of you today, and am sorry. I also know that he left in the best way possible and is now at peace. I think also of you as I went through this 2 years ago. I will think of you on the 1st of june as we think of mum and her time to leave us.
HUGS and glad you have so many good memories to fall back on when the time comes.


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0309COOKIE 5/25/2011 3:53AM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Having just gone through the Hospice experience with my mother in March, I can so relate to your story. I will keep you, your dad, and your family in my prayers.

Comment edited on: 5/25/2011 3:55:50 AM

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NEW-CAZ 5/25/2011 3:09AM

    I'm so sorry he has passed Linda, you did all you could.
He's at peace now hun.
Please accept my deepest sympathy, my thoughts are with you and your family.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TULIPAN2 5/25/2011 3:02AM

    I am so sorry!! He is at peace now, with the women he loved. And you did everything you could to ease the pain and you spent his last days with him at home...My prayers are with you and your family! emoticon

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BLUESKY104 5/25/2011 12:08AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon and prayers for you
May you find comfort in your memories that you can share with your friends emoticon

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BARNABABY1 5/24/2011 11:20PM

    So sad but such a beautiful story this past week has been. Your father was so blessed to have you help him leave this world in such a loving and peaceful way... you are an incredible person! All my love and prayers to you and your family,
Mary Ann

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Comment edited on: 5/24/2011 11:21:45 PM

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FAIRYDANCER1 5/24/2011 10:42PM

    Wow that was fast. Please accept my deepest regrets. You have done an amazing job at seeing him through and I admire your courage.

Lynn

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REBARUTH55 5/24/2011 10:38PM

    How blessed your father was to be at home and with family! And now to be reunited with your mom. I will be holding you up in prayer. May you be surrounded by the loving arms of our Heavenly Father during these tough days!

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LYNNOTT 5/24/2011 10:12PM

    Your dad is pain free and in a better place. How lucky you are that you got to spend this precious time with your father! My thoughts and prayers and with you and your family.

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3IN4YO 5/24/2011 10:02PM

    My heart and prayers are with you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAWDOT35 5/24/2011 10:00PM

    You have my sympathy and my prayers, especially during the next few days. I'm glad that his suffering was not prolonged. "Precious in the sight of the Lord, is the death of His saints.."
Hugs and Prayers,
Dorothy

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SUSIEPH1 5/24/2011 9:38PM

    Bless you my friend ..
You have done all that you could have possibly done .
.May your Dad find peace at last with your Mum.
I know you will be grieving .... but be comforted knowing that he is now at peace ...
Much love Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/24/2011 9:40:18 PM

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GRALLEN 5/24/2011 9:38PM

    Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. At least he died peacefully. You did a wonderful job taking care of him.

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2PONDS 5/24/2011 9:34PM

    Linda, no words can easy the pain of losing a parent!!! Just be at peace knowing he will always be with you!!! LOVE & HUGS!
DEE

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SOULOFADANCER 5/24/2011 9:18PM

    My prayers are with you and bless you for being a great daughter emoticon

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KAREN42BOYS 5/24/2011 8:43PM

    aw, linda. no real words here, but aw, linda...

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MARTY19 5/24/2011 8:32PM

    I am so sorry my dear but he is in a far better place. He is home with his wife and pain-free. My thoughts and prayers are with you now.

Love you,
Marty

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JULESDUD1 5/24/2011 8:18PM

    God bless you! He has blessed your Dad with you. What an honor you had in making his end of life more comfortable, not lonely and so sweet with care and love. Your Dad was worth all the pain and sorrow in helping him through this time of life. You are a wonderful daughter.

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MEADSBAY 5/24/2011 8:07PM

    What an honor, a privilege and a blessing that you could be there for him.

emoticon

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WEEZYB7881 5/24/2011 8:07PM

    my prayers are with you in your time of sadness

louise

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ANNIEJEFFRIES 5/24/2011 7:49PM

    Linda, Our prayers are with you at this time of loss.
emoticon
Annie

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FORMYDARLINGS 5/24/2011 7:48PM

    Linda. Thank you from your Dad. You gave me the best there was. You are my darling.
I know these are your Dad's words to you. You are an angel and I believe you have earned your wings before you even have left his earth.
Be brave and remember him as he was ALL his life. It is very refreshing.
I lost my Dad too soon and I always see him fishing because it was his favorite pastime. He is always smilinig and I know your Dad will always be smiling too.

Love you and bless you,

Gini emoticon

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 5/24/2011 7:37PM

    I love you, my friend. My heart goes out to you. It's going to be so tough to say good bye to my folks up in Michigan... I hope I will be able to be with them like you have been with your Dad. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Yesterday I put my father first.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I am feeling blessed today to be able to be here for my dad as he walks his last journey.

I put my program first when he went onto dialysis and my DH had knee replacement surgery.

I put my program first regardless of life's obstacles put in my path.

Yesterday I put my dad ahead of my program as I try to assist him on his last journey and will take comfort in what feels right, but keep tracking it. Life must go on for us and getting back on track will also give me purpose back in my life when I am left with only the memories.

But for today and the rest of my father's last journey, I will put his needs ahead of my program - he certainly put my needs ahead of his more often than I will ever know.

My dad is not perfect and never was. My dad is human and was the best parent he was able to be - he was raised without a father so everything he did he learned "on the fly."

I didn't always love him ( I have never met a child who didn't hate a parent at some point in life and growing up ) but he has always been my father. One of my "opinions" of him changed when he stopped at the grocery on his way home to purchase "personal items" for me. I was still embarrassed to purchase "personal items" and this man just went in and bought them like it was a quart of milk. Some of life's memories are priceless.

Thank you for being here for me - I hope that by sharing what I am going through right now, maybe someone out there in Spark-Land will find comfort to do whatever needs doing today.

I always hoped I could do whatever needed doing - today I learned that I don't have to hope anymore, today I learned that I can. I can. I can do whatever needs doing today.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNNE311 5/28/2011 3:03PM

    "My dad is not perfect and never was. My dad is human and was the best parent he was able to be - he was raised without a father so everything he did he learned 'on the fly.' "

I could have written these same sentences about my father. Forgiveness and understanding sets us free from those past hurts. I'm glad you have arrived at this place in your heart, it makes saying goodbye less painful. My prayers are with you.

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GOIN4GR8 5/26/2011 10:37PM

    "My dad is not perfect and never was. My dad is human and was the best parent he was able to be. ... I didn't always love him ..." -- yes, yes, and yes.

But yet we DID and DO love them. They are our Daddies, and that's a priceless gift.



emoticon

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LESLIES537 5/26/2011 9:44AM

    You are so strong. God bless your heart! emoticon

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DOTTIEJANE1 5/24/2011 7:14PM

    I am glad that you are spending time with your Dad,and you can get back on track. SO much is happening with your Dad the you need to take the time.This is a hard journey for you and your Dad, bust your presents is so important to you and your dad. Hugs and prayes for both of you. Dottie

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GERMANIRISHGIRL 5/24/2011 4:43PM

    You won't regret your decision. Enjoy the time you have and make the most of it. emoticon

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LYNNOTT 5/24/2011 3:39PM

    I'm glad you have this opportunity to spend with your father. It's something that you'll remember and cherish. My thoughts are with you, dad and family.

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SUSIEPH1 5/24/2011 3:05PM

    Enjoy your time with your Father Linda,
All parents and children make mistakes ..Sometimes it was the way they themselves were bought up and others, especially our generation had war damage and couldn't cope ...so they turned to anger and rejection..
There is always a reason, it took me a long time to realise this ...
My father was a very cruel and really negative man ...
my Sister and I were not his favorite people .. but we survived ..
and now I think back and realise that he must have had some sort of war damage ...
So treasure your last days with your Dad ..
Much love to you both .. May you find peace and love with him in these days
Hugs Susie emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/24/2011 3:05:56 PM

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REMODELINGPAT 5/24/2011 2:00PM

    emoticon emoticon
Regardless of the baggage, our parents ARE OUR PARENTS, and we need to get past the PAST and show them we love them TODAY...tomorrow may be too late!

Blessings!

Pat

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 5/24/2011 1:47PM

    I loved this blog. Just loved it. You are so REAL, and down to earth. Yes, my biological dad was a louse most of the time (unlike yours!), but he is still my Dad, and it is up to me to be a loving daughter, no matter how many mistakes he's made. And you're right, too, about THEIR past... he had it pretty terrible, so there's no wonder he didn't know how to do things right.

Hang in there, Raylin, and just remember you're cared about very much by your sparkfriends!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HEALTHY4ME 5/24/2011 1:36PM

    So true and for the most part we do what we need to do when it counts the most. I feel for you as you go through this but know you are doing all you can and will be glad you did later. HUGS

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HEARTANDMUSIC 5/24/2011 12:32PM

    That was a good decision. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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MARTY728 5/24/2011 12:03PM

    I am happy that you can assist your Dad on this journey. I know from doing so for my Mom it is not an easy journey to take part in. My thoughts and prayers are with your Dad and you. emoticon emoticon

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MAWDOT35 5/24/2011 11:17AM

    Linda, you have made the right choice and you will never regret putting your Dad first!
Whatever time is left for each of us, we would do well to put others first, especially a parent or child.
Love and Prayers,
Dorothy

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BLESSEDGIGI 5/24/2011 11:13AM

    You are right, your father comes first. I went through this with both my father and my mother and you will never regret putting him first. My prayers are with you,your father and your family.

Comment edited on: 5/24/2011 11:14:02 AM

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NEW-CAZ 5/24/2011 11:07AM

    Parents are never perfect Linda- humans are not perfect. This an opportunity to get close to your dad for the precious time you have left and enjoy each other's company.
I lost both my parents when they were 62 and I was 30! I would give my eye teeth to have them around today.
Treasure the time he has left babes emoticon
I shall keep you in my prayers emoticon

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MEADSBAY 5/24/2011 10:48AM

    Your dad is a lucky man to be the recipient of you lovingkindness.

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BEYOURBEST1 5/24/2011 9:49AM

    God bless you and your Dad.
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MARTY19 5/24/2011 9:35AM

    The program is good, but your at a point where you need to put Pops first. My parents passed very quickly and I didn't have time to find closure. You are blessed to have this very special time.

Love you,
Marty

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CALIFORNIA-GAL 5/24/2011 8:56AM

    Thank you for sharing this with us Linda. I lost my father a few years ago and, to this day, I have regrets about not spending enough time with him over his last year. He wasn't perfect but he did the best he could with what he had. He tried his best to raise three kids (2,4,6) after our mother died. I lost my only sister when she was only 41 (lung cancer) and I have even more regrets there. You have been on an amazing journey of weight loss and discovery and you can return to that soon. Right now, spend time with your father for his sake and yours.

I will be thinking of you. ~ Candi

Comment edited on: 5/24/2011 8:58:01 AM

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SPLASH1105 5/24/2011 8:53AM

    I'm glad that you made a decision to put your dad first. My continued prayers for your dad, you, and your family.

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MIZCATHI 5/24/2011 8:53AM

    This is right. He is your father, and he needs you during this life journey. My thoughts are with you.

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WEEZYB7881 5/24/2011 8:52AM

    it is heart warming to see your kindness and compassion for your dad. I totally agree - it is time to put your dad first. andyour program won't end or slide or disappear during this time. you'll continue to eat as well as possible, walk when you can and get rest as time allows.

I'll be saying prayers for you and your dad ad you take this last journey together.


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DINGALLSTOO 5/24/2011 8:31AM

    you're doing a great job ((((hugs))))

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SEDONACAT 5/24/2011 8:22AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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1EMMA2011 5/24/2011 8:20AM

    Thank you for this post. I am praying for you and your Dad and wish you all the best in this journey. Know that you are not along and that we care for you.

God Bless,
Emma Marianne emoticon

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 5/24/2011 8:16AM

    You are amazing! I'm glad that you have this special time to "give back" to your father and to be there for him. Bright blessings to you both. You're in my prayers. emoticon emoticon

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MSLZZY 5/24/2011 7:52AM

    It is wonderful that you are there for him. Putting him first is as it should be. His time with
you is growing shorter and being there for him is essential for you both. Take comfort in the fact that you have this opportunity and cherish the memories you will have. HUGS!

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TULIPAN2 5/24/2011 7:34AM

    As we get "older", as we pick up our life wisdom and we look back then usually we can see and appreciate all those small things our parents do for us. Then we really see their love for us. It doesn't have to be said, written, their love is shown in their actions, smiles, support. Our parents give as their unconditionally love and in a certain time we do the same.
I am so glad that you have that possibility and you are doing it. My thoughts are with you and our family. emoticon

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He smiled!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

For those not in the know - and I am discovering so many spark friends are in the know - doing Hospice is a blessing in disguise.

Yes, there is going to be some hardship in the coming weeks - but he was in pain and I gave him relief immediately, and he smiled! He smiled because I made the pain go away. I had to give him 2 of the intermediate pills but the pain went away.

I have never had children but I would compare my Dad's smile to that of your newborn baby when he or she smiles at you for the first time.

P.S. No, it wasn't gas! emoticon emoticon

**edit: 5/24
No earthly idea of calories today - but at least I am posted some of it.

Not really hungry today and the cheesecake was handy and easy to eat/digest. Rough day with Pop - we had to transfer him to a hospital bed. He wanted to know why and we said it would be more comfortable - he said okay.

He talked to us quite a bit - that was wonderful! You could always tell when he saw Mama.

He's worth a few extra calories to keep me going. I have the rest of my life to get back on track - and I will!

He's running fever and that is one of the symptoms - we were told he is advancing quite rapidly. Probably be with Mama before the week is out. Amazing he still has lucid moments. We are cherishing them.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOIN4GR8 5/26/2011 10:35PM

    I'm reading these posts about your dad and tearing up, as I sit here wearing my own father's t-shirt as a nightgown. He started hospice in March and died on April 25, just 4 weeks ago.

So I feel your hurt, and your hope, and your sadness, and your relief. God bless.

laurie

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OLDERDANDRT 5/23/2011 11:52AM

    I am so glad you are able to help your dad, and obviously, he appreciates it. Cherish those smiles! emoticon

Gas..... emoticon emoticon

emoticon

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KINSBAILE 5/23/2011 9:50AM

    I'm glad he smiled and the pain was taken away!

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MOMMYKAY038 5/23/2011 12:42AM

    I hope you remember that smile forever!!! Hugs!

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DIANESMILES 5/22/2011 11:28PM

    I am so glad to hear that hon, for BOTH ur DAD and YOU !! Cos if he's not happy, it harder for you also. Now of course expect some hard times hon, but cherish these memoories. I know when my "real Mom" died, she got very angry and said about anything that just POPPED into her mouth,,,nothing like her normal.

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GRALLEN 5/22/2011 10:06PM

    LOL @ "No, it wasn't gas." I'm glad you were able to stop the pain. That can mean so much in the quality of your day.

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WATERMELLEN 5/22/2011 9:49PM

    Hospice: wonderfully human places. I'm so glad your Dad is smiling at you and there will be some more good memories!!

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LYNNOTT 5/22/2011 9:32PM

    I've heard great things about hospice. We discussed it for my father, but he passed away before we finalized plans. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad!

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GOALIEGRANDMA3 5/22/2011 8:03PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 5/22/2011 7:36PM

    What a blessing you are to your father. I am so glad that he has you. Bright blessings to you both. You're in my prayers. emoticon emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 5/22/2011 4:53PM

    How Wonderful Linda!.
This will be such a sad time for you .. but also a very loving time between You and your Dad .... God Bless you both my friend
Huds Susie emoticon emoticon

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JERSEYGIRL24 5/22/2011 2:58PM

    So happy to hear!!! You have to count your blessings.

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MARTY19 5/22/2011 2:20PM

    How awesome! That is incredible feeling. Pain relief is such happiness. And hospice is such a blessing. It will ease your mind.

Love you,
Marty

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ONEKIDSMOM 5/22/2011 1:46PM

    Pain management is a blessing. During my mom's final days under hospice care, my sisters, who were with her, shared the good moments (there were some not so good ones, too)... so prize and cherish these. And bless you for doing this service for your dad. How good it is to be surrounded by familiar loving faces!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 5/22/2011 1:45PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MSLZZY 5/22/2011 1:41PM

    What a great feeling! To car for your dad and have him appreciate all that you can do in this
difficult time-hugs!

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LYNNE311 5/22/2011 1:33PM

    I watched my Dad slip away in hospice as well. They are wonderful people - our angels on Earth. A few tips they may not think of: Make sure they have lubicating eye drops for him, moisturizer for his skin, bring in a CD player with all your Dad's favorite music, bring some of his favorite books/stories/poems that you can read to him as the hours pass. Tell him how important he has been to you, how much you love and appreciate all that he has done for you. Talk as much as you can and say all that you need to say. Leave nothng unsaid. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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SIMPLELIFE4REAL 5/22/2011 1:08PM

    That's great Linda!

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MILLIE5522 5/22/2011 12:40PM

    A beautiful moment. Thank you for sharing.

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JENNY888 5/22/2011 12:39PM

    How touching that smile must have been. Enjoy the moments.

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GRANDMACOO 5/22/2011 12:29PM

    What a blessing that he is comfortable and you can share in these moments.

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MOMWANTSNOWAIST 5/22/2011 12:11PM

    LINDA~~Those are treasured memories & the fact you could make his pain go away~truly a blessing!~Betsy

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GERMANIRISHGIRL 5/22/2011 11:47AM

    That is something to celebrate! emoticon

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DINGALLSTOO 5/22/2011 11:23AM

    that wasn't an oops?

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BESTSUSIEYET 5/22/2011 11:07AM

    Tuck those things away ... You'll treasure memories like this!

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MEADSBAY 5/22/2011 11:06AM

    What an amazing time in your lives.
emoticon

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NEW-CAZ 5/22/2011 11:06AM

    I too have witnessed great compassion for my father with a hospice here in the UK.
Wonderful that you are finding some confort Linda and that your dad is comfortable emoticon

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SEDONACAT 5/22/2011 10:57AM

    emoticon That is great. Hospice is a true blessing. Let them support you, too.

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SLENDERELLA61 5/22/2011 10:49AM

    To treasure his smile and understand the honor you have of making his pain go away is beautiful! Thank you for sharing a very intense and personal time with your SparkFriends. Please know I care. -Marsha

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COOKWITHME65 5/22/2011 10:45AM

    I have been involved with hospice. It is a beautiful thing. God bless you.

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