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The "whys" behind my step-down as leader.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

My dad had to have the Fistula removed from his left arm and put into his right arm but his left arm is still swollen, really badly swollen. The short version is the blood cannot get out of his left arm due to the lead from his defibrillator/pacemaker occluding the vein.

So we went back to the surgeon yesterday and would you believe it, his body remade the Fistula in his left arm?! It will need surgery again to remove it again. So now he has a Fistula in each arm and goes for a 3rd surgery on Monday, July 6th.

The day before Father's Day, June 20, Ray fell over my treadmill in the back hallway because he couldn't see it. The reason he couldn't see it is someone closed the bedroom door making the hallway too dark. He scraped his arms and has a really bad one on his left arm that tore the skin in a gash about 1"X7" and we had to rush to the ER where they removed the skin that was no longer attached. They bandaged him and we were to go to the Hospital Wound Center on Tuesday - and they dressed it like a burn and told us not to touch it until Friday but she used gauze instead of non-stick Telfa. I did ask about that but was assured it would not stick to the wound. On Friday the dressing would not come off necessitating an emergency visit to his G.P. to have the wound redressed the right way. We did not return to the Wound Center!

After the fall, Ray started complaining of pain in his back and side but there was nothing showing. Then a rash popped up. Yup, bless his heart, he got shingles. Shingles can appear due to stress and Ray had stress the past few weeks what with the reunion coming. For some reason he was in a panic that I hadn't started cleaning fanatically (the way I usually did) and that was worrying him; the fall just finished him off.

So I am doctoring his left arm for a bad scrape of 6-8 inches where they had to cut off the scraped skin and also trying to tend to his shingles. And doctoring my father's left arm because the swelling caused a lesion that is draining fluid. And I still have to cover his "temporary dialysis hookup" when he insists on showering. Short version, there are 2 tubes coming out of his neck/shoulder area and water must not enter his body through the hole. So he is showering on the mornings of dialysis because we are not always successful in keeping the water out and fear of infection is always with us.

I just had to step down as leader of both my teams because I just have no time for me anymore, I can barely take care of Ray & Dad, and just am unable to squeeze more hours out of my day right now to help other spark members in a leadership capacity. Praise the Lord, He will show me the way to continue without losing my mind and I can still offer support to those who will need it.

I know I don't owe an explanation to anyone. But I feel my reason for stepping down was necessary and I didn't want anyone to think otherwise.

I will still be here for anyone reaching out for support and motivation.

Hugs y'all,
Linda
"there's always room for one more"

I thank you all for being so understanding. Monday dad has his 3rd surgery - I sure do hope this will be the last for a while.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOKWORM100 7/2/2009 11:06PM

    Wow, Linda, I'm so glad you shared this so that we can support you now. We all go through rough times, whether it's weight related or other, and your family (and you) definitely come first. I've personally had experience with a fistula and my husband has also had shingles. So I can somewhat relate with what you're dealing with. Thankfully for me (and unfortunately for you) those experiences didn't occur at the same time. I feel for you! With so much to deal with, you definitely need time for yourself. Also, don't be afraid to ask your friends and family for help if you need it. Even having someone run simple errands for you can save you precious time.

Take care of yourself!!

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SOPHIADARE 7/2/2009 1:38PM

    Linda, you don't need to say why, but I hope your husband and your dad will both get better, and that you will continue to improve in your own health.

I'm sending up a special prayer for you and not expecting any answer from you, only that Divine blessings will flow to you!

Comment edited on: 7/2/2009 1:40:28 PM

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CAROL_ 7/2/2009 2:21AM

    You're exactly right. You owe NO ONE an explanation. I hope you are still taking care of yourself through all this stress . . . plus the reunion . . . hope you are taking extra B for the stress.

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JERSEYGIRL24 7/1/2009 9:42PM

    Sounds like Ray really did a number on himself. Hope he is feeling better.


Hugs,

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Leslie

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FORMYDARLINGS 7/1/2009 7:28PM

    Linda , my dear friend. You sometimes have to take a path not of your choosing. Take care of your loved ones and we will pray for all 3 of you. Continue to take care of Linda too, she is equally important. Love ya,

Gini

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MEADSBAY 7/1/2009 3:45PM

    Good Lord, Linda!
Please don't forget to take care of YOU!!!
xoxoxoxo
elizabeth
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MARTY19 7/1/2009 1:46PM

    Your right my friend - you don't owe anyone an explaination. The fact you give shows just how uch charater you have. You have so much on your plate right now that you need to take a step back. I know how you worry about it but at some point you need to put yourself back into the equation. Please take care and know you are in my prayers.

Love you,
Marty

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MIKAEELA 7/1/2009 12:09PM

    Dear Linda, I admire your devotion and strength!!! I hope your Dad and Ray get well soon! GBU!!! emoticon emoticon
I am here for you!!!

Love,
Maiki

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_VALEO_ 7/1/2009 10:58AM

    I second the other ladies' comments. We're be here for you.
In the meantime, take care of you and of your family.

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Valerie

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FINDINGREALME 7/1/2009 10:06AM

    Linda -- the other ladies have already said it so well. I will keep your Dad and hubby in my thoughts as they recover and will also think of you as you help them. You never need to explain to us why you had to step down -- you are more to us than a leader of a team - you are a special friend. We'll be here at Spark when you are ready to return. Take care of yourself and try to fit in those walks...it will help you with everything else.

Beth

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ONMYWAYTOGOAL 7/1/2009 8:58AM

    Linda - You are a kind and generous person to give of yourself as you do. If you need our support, we're here for you as well!! Keep walking........it'll keep you healthy and as another sparker mentioned ..aleviate the stress.

Hugs,
Laurie

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GRALLEN 7/1/2009 8:47AM

    MSLZZY pretty much said it. Oh Linda, I feel for you. I hear shingles are not a good thing to have. A fellow sparker I met in Arkansas had them and she still isn't 100% but she got it in her legs but does affect her back and sides. You, your dad and Ray will be in my prayers and thoughts. Take care and don't worry one iota about Spark. It'll always be here when you are ready.

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PRAIRIEGIRL44 7/1/2009 8:35AM

    My heart goes out to all three of you! We'll miss you but I would do the same thing. So don't worry, and I'm glad to see you still do your daily walks - that ought to help ease your stress. emoticon from PG44

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SPARROW147 7/1/2009 7:31AM

    You are a good person to take care of them. That says more about your character than leading your teams. Lead you family first.

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MSCANDICE25 7/1/2009 6:58AM

    I hope everything will work its self out and that everyone gets better. you and your family are in my pray please take care of you as well along this journey

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MSLZZY 7/1/2009 6:57AM

    I send you my utmost support and sympathy! I would never presume to judge a person's worth by what they choose to do or not do. You had very good personal reasons to step down as a leader. No one should question you on that.
Your life is too busy now to worry about anything else beside getting your dad's
and Ray's health back.
Take care and try not to let this get you down! emoticon
My daughter got shingles in May-from stress with her job! She is only 31! She's
much better now but it was ugly for about 3 weeks!

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Blog Prompt - Am I afraid of regaining lost weight...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Nope!

Ain't gonna happen!

I haven't been "good" these past few days, but I haven't been bad either. Just maxed out my calories for several days. My dad, the baker, has been working on his strudel recipe and since he is famous for his NY Cheesecake he is making Cheese Strudel! Sadly this last batch was "too good" and I had 2 portions! I froze what was left.

Then I was given some hand-me-down jeans that I know are too small but figured, what the heck and tried them on. 2 pair almost fit and 3 pair are inches away from closing.

I know I am not going to put back this weight. What I don't know is if I have reached the bottom yet, lol.

Good day all!
Love,
Linda

Here is the reply I gave to MSLZZY & FINDINGREALME:

What I did was first find my "happy weight" and I have passed that, 129.

Now I am looking to my "Ideal Weight" according to the charts. I should be somewhere around 117-119 according to my frame and height.

But I am thrilled to be 123 this morning. For myself I don't think it hurts to keep a goal weight in front of me. But I am also thrilled to be where I am so it is no longer really obsessive. Maybe mildly obsessive, lol.

I do know that if you start getting dizzy and/or no energy, you are too low.

My doctor asked me how far I walk daily and when I told him I am averaging 5 miles daily he informed me that I am not to light and gave me the green light to go for the Ideal Weight.

I hope this helps.

To find the Blog Prompt, you can click on the link at the bottom of my blog. But I am signed up for Spark Emails and the Blog Prompt came in one of today's emails. I can only tell you it was a "weekly roundup" email I think. I can't find it now to tell you more. Ok, just found it, the email is called "The Weekly Spark"
Linda

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_VALEO_ 7/1/2009 11:03AM

    I'm sure you won't regain this weight, you have built up such healthy habits through your journey, and worked so hard for it. Those pounds are lost for good!


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FINDINGREALME 6/30/2009 3:00PM

    Question -- do you sign up to receive these blog prompts? I looked at my account and preferences and did not see where to do this. I did look at SP Help before posting this...but sorry if I missed it:-)

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MARTY19 6/30/2009 1:39PM

    I really feel you shouldn't lose any more or you might become invisible. LOL AND i KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW, YOU WON'T REGAIN THE WEIGHT. yOU FOUGHT TOO HARD TO LOSE IT.

hugs,
marty

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FORMYDARLINGS 6/30/2009 11:29AM

    You'll know you're at the bottom when you look in the mirror and say I like this just fine. Remember that as you tone your weight will keep changing too. Good work and keep your quit.

Gini

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FINDINGREALME 6/30/2009 10:03AM

    WTG on the "normal" eating! Cheesecake is hard to resist but it will be there in the freezer when you want a treat!

Very cool news on the jeans and I have the same question as MSLZZY -- how do you know when you've hit bottom?

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ONMYWAYTOGOAL 6/30/2009 9:54AM

    How COOL is that.........to think that you could be close to the end of your weight loss journey and that maintaining is your next step. So many of us would love to be in your shoes Linda. We know it's hard work and that none of us are perfect, but you give us hope and inspiration in knowing that it's possible!!!

AWESOME!! emoticon emoticon
Hugs,
Laurie

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MSLZZY 6/30/2009 8:39AM

    Do you ever know when you reach the bottom? I'm still trying to figure that out. Any hints?

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*sigh*

Monday, June 29, 2009

I am human.

I had to step down as leader on both my teams due to inadequate leadership - mine. I also left behind me the Leader Team as well as The Community Team - I hope to have more time to spend with my few remaining teams.

I do feel good that I was able to find great leadership to take over for me on both teams - I feel badly but just don't have the extra time needed to do an adequate job right now.

The good news is I now will be able to find more time to read blogs and offer motivation and hopefully inspiration to those needing it.

One day at a time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALLISTOPHELIE 6/30/2009 9:14AM

    Thank you for all the support and the good work.
You have done a tremendous job as a leader, have inspired and motivated so many of us. Thanks a thousand times.
Hope to see you around.

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CHIKAZ 6/30/2009 7:23AM

    Linda,

You don't need to apologize, your leadership was never inadequate. You are the most inspirational person I've met on spark, always willing to help, always concerned and caring for the people on your teams. You've done an incredible job and never forget that! Thank you so much for all you've done for all of us.

Thank you for being there for me. Your words have kept me going at times when I didn't feel like I could do it.

Love,

Susannah

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CAROL_ 6/29/2009 10:51PM

    You're an inspiration. I can't imagine your leadership being inadequate. No matter what I'm glad you're here.

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MSCANDICE25 6/29/2009 7:54PM

    WELL i HAVE TO SAY THAT iM SAD THAT YOU LEFT THE TEAM A LEADER BUT "YES YOU HAVE PUT ONE OF YOUR TEAMS IN GREAT HANDS" i HOPE TO BE SEEING YOU AROUNGD THE BOARD MORE AND THANK YOU AGAIN FOR BE SUCH A GOOD LEADER TO THE TEAMS

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NATACHA1972 6/29/2009 7:46PM

    Linda,
You have been so great to us all, THANK YOU for the inspiration, the motivation and the advice we got from you when we needed it, I really appreciate it!
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MARTY19 6/29/2009 5:31PM

    I hope that I will be able to spend more time on my teams now that school is out and I have more time. You did what you needed to do for yourself and you did not leave your teams hanging.
You do know that you cannot dump me don't you. I will just hound you to death. LOL

Hugs,
Marty

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JERSEYGIRL24 6/29/2009 4:57PM

    Linda,

You don't have to apologize. I just hope I can do a decent job following in your footsteps. I feel like I have big shoes to fill (even though I am sure that my feet are bigger than yours LOL).

I will echo Zelda's sentiments. You are definitely one of my Spark heroes and a good reason why I am still alive and well on this website.

But I understand that life gets in the way. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I'm sure the friendship will last, and personally that's what matters the most. I'm also sure that you will continue to motivate as you have in the past.

Leslie

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FORMYDARLINGS 6/29/2009 4:50PM

    Linda, You are a beautiful human being and I believe there is a reason for everything. I don't question big changes in my life or mourn such losses, I know that everything changes and so for you things are on the change. Be ready for your next challenge. It will be along before you know it. Thank you for all you do for us here at Spark. I do sooo appreciate it.

Gini emoticon

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_VALEO_ 6/29/2009 4:47PM

    I can't agree more with Zeldapliff, your leadership has never been inadequate, you are a great motivator and a positive person, you have been encouraging and supporting so many members, we'll miss you as a leader.

But good for you to step down and to do what you have to do in your real life.

Enjoy your life, and keep on shining and giving us little precious gems within your blogs.

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Love,
Valerie

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DEBIPOGUE 6/29/2009 4:44PM

    If your leadership was inadequate then there is no chance for me!!! LOL You have been and are so encouraging and informative. Take this time for you..... and pour into your current teams like only you can do. Bless you!
Debi emoticon

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MIKAEELA 6/29/2009 3:48PM

    Thank you for the encouragement and support!!! emoticon emoticon Isn't it funny that when we let go, it's actually relieving.
Take care,
Maiki

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ZELDAPLIFF 6/29/2009 3:48PM

    Pleas don't ever think of your leadership as inadequate. You are one of my Spark heroes!

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Now it's time for you to take some time for you- refocus & all. That doesn't take away from what you've done for so many of us.

I look forward to seeing you in threads & blogs & challenges...

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MSLZZY 6/29/2009 2:43PM

    I admire you for stepping down and allowing someone else to assume your role. I prefer to do the job right the first time, not halfway because I am over-commited to too many tasks. It takes a special person to admit that.
You are so positive that you need not feel badly about this. We appreciate all you do and have done for us all in the past. Have a wonderful Sparktacular Day!

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ONMYWAYTOGOAL 6/29/2009 2:40PM

    It's always a good thing to take care of yourself and realize your limitations. Thank you for all you do for us!!!
Hugs, laurie

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I will be MIA until my shoulder mends.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I hurt my shoulder last week during preparations for the annual family reunion which includes a visit from family - it tends to be a bit stressful for me.

On Monday, June 22nd, the pain escalated to throbbing and I have been in a pain-pill stupor ever since. Every time I log onto the computer I get woozy and nauseous, and have to go off again.

For this reason I will be MIA until the shoulder loosens up enough to go off the pain medicines.

I do humbly apologize for being absent but I can't see my way around this any other way.

I trust all of you to stay with your programs and I look forward to partying with y'all when I return and we can celebrate your weight losses!

I love each and every one of you!

Linda

**6/25: off the pain pills and starting to do therapy on my shoulder. starting to feel loads better!
**6/26: only aspirin, down to 2 at a time! Shoulder still really stiff but able to move it again!
**6/28: no more pain pills of any kind! I can almost lift my right arm again! WooHoo!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHIKAZ 6/26/2009 10:37AM

    I am happy you are starting to feel better! Keep taking care of yourself! emoticon

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MELTEAGUE 6/25/2009 8:37PM

    Take care of that shoulder, I know what THAT feels like, just take it slow and rest it and keep going for physiotherpy, and you will get better!
p.s swimming is a good way to rehab it, but check with your doc/ therapist first......

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FORMYDARLINGS 6/25/2009 5:22PM

    Take good care of yourself darlin'. We'll miss you but want you to mend,

Blessings, Gini

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ONMYWAYTOGOAL 6/25/2009 1:42PM

    emoticon Laurie
Hope you feel better soon!!!

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MSLZZY 6/24/2009 11:46PM

    Take some time for you and recuperate! We'll still be here when yo come back! Hope you feel better soon!

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EMMABE1 6/24/2009 11:42PM

    Take care, get better soon
Ann

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CAROL_ 6/24/2009 10:40PM

    So sorry! Family stress has unintended consequences, every time. Sigh. Please take care!

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LIVNFITNHAPPY 6/24/2009 7:44PM

    Take care and rest up! It is definitely best that you give yourself time to mend.
We all Love you too and will miss you!

I will be sending prayers and healing energy your way.


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticonJanet

Comment edited on: 6/24/2009 7:45:28 PM

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MARTY19 6/24/2009 7:29PM

    You need to take care f yourself first and formost. I'll still be here when you get back.

I love you too

Marty

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KPACE7 6/24/2009 7:28PM

    Take it easy and get better soon. We'll miss you!!

Karen

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NICURN11 6/24/2009 7:26PM

    Ouch!! Take care Linda and rest up! emoticon

Gina

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And the winner is.........

Sunday, June 21, 2009

...So I didn't post my weight yesterday - it was 122.6! And I did enjoy myself and did a lot of sampling yesterday! Today is 124.3 for a difference of 1.7 lbs - but I am still under 125! WooHoo!!

I had a reasonable lunch plate too, really stayed mostly in bounds. I had a small plate of deserts, about a spoonful each of maybe 6-8 different deserts - NO COOKIES! I had a couple of bites of each on my plate but I am not ready to tackle cookies yet, lol.
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Came home and indulged myself in a coffee mug full of ice cream! But as a free day, I was determined to enjoy and indulge so for dinner (we invited my family to join Ray's) we made hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill and I had one hamburger on a bun with a spoonful of baked beans (aren't I naughty, lol), a serving of mixed vegetables and I ate a pickle! Sodium be darned!!
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For desert - I was going to end my Free Day in style - I had a reasonable portion of my Dad's famous Junior's Cheesecake with fresh strawberries and fresh pineapple!
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My beverage of choice all day was H2O so that doesn't count.

I believe I entered everything I ate and came up with 2400 calories and at least 3800 in sodium! Since I was estimating a 3000 calorie day, there was still room for error.

**6/22/09: OOPS! I forgot my Desert Sampler Plate - estimated calories 600 - so that accounts for the 3000 I had guessed I would consume. Today was 123.3 so the weight is returning quickly to before reunion weight!

I would call my Free Day a total success!

**Last night, while watching TV, I saw a Pizza Hut commercial and I told Ray that the only thing my Free Day was missing was a Pizzone! I have wanted to try one ever since they came out!!

Maybe on my next Free Day. I wonder if it will take until next year's family reunion!
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***OMG, I forgot! Everyone was pretty much 'blown away' by the new me! And I managed to hand out half a dozen SparkPeople Cards! One of them joined last night!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JERSEYGIRL24 6/25/2009 4:54PM

    Linda,

I will echo the sentiments of Marty and others who have said that they wish they needed only one free day a year. However, you really pulled it off intelligently.

For some reason, I am fascinated about the story of Kirstie Alley's failure (to the point that I may blog about it). As I see it, she needed a little time off and did it in such a disorganized way that it became a disaster. In her words, she "cut herself some slack". In principle, I understand this. I also understand if a person accepts that they want to eat a little more and don't care if they gain a little weight. But you still have to watch yourself. As I am sure you know, there is a very fine line between weight loss and maintenance.

But I still admire how you did this in such an intelligent and organized fashion and then jumped back in the saddle.

BTW I hope you are feeling better.


Leslie

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ONMYWAYTOGOAL 6/22/2009 10:14AM

    Sounds GREAT!! I'm glad you had an awesome day and still stayed within your weight and calorie range. Way to go Girl!!!

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MEADSBAY 6/22/2009 9:27AM

    yipeeeeeeeeee!
Sounds like a reasonable free day- like the other skinny people do it, I guess!
elizabeth
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MARTY19 6/21/2009 3:32PM

    Sounds like you had a fantastic day and ate well to boot. I am very impressed. You are still rockin it girlfriend!

Marty

P.S
.
Where did you get SP cards to hand out?

Comment edited on: 6/21/2009 3:33:40 PM

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POLARBEARSCAT 6/21/2009 12:31PM

    I'm impressed that this was your first "free day" in a year! You certainly earned it! How long will you go before your next one?

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PALESEPT 6/21/2009 12:21PM

    And I hope you had a TON of fun on your Free Day! You deserve it! You are so awesome! And thank you for all your help! you are a great friend to me!

Pale

Comment edited on: 6/21/2009 12:26:27 PM

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MSLZZY 6/21/2009 12:11PM

    So glad you had a free day and could enjoy it in style! Wasn't it fun?
Glad you handed out SP cards-you are an inspiration!

Comment edited on: 6/21/2009 12:12:35 PM

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